93 lines
5.4 KiB
Plaintext
93 lines
5.4 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
|----------------------------------------------------------------------------|
|
|
| ____ _ _____ _ ____ |
|
|
| | _ \ ___| |_ ___ _ __ | ___| _ _ __ | | __ | _ \ _ __ ___ ___ ___ |
|
|
| | |_) / _ \ __/ _ \ '__| | |_ | | | | '_ \| |/ / | |_) | '__/ _ \/ __/ __| |
|
|
| | __/ __/ || __/ | | _|| |_| | | | | < | __/| | | __/\__ \__ \ |
|
|
| |_| \___|\__\___|_| |_| \__,_|_| |_|_|\_\ |_| |_| \___||___/___/ |
|
|
|----------------------------------------------------------------------------|
|
|
| Vol 5 ********* Gratis |
|
|
|============================================================================|
|
|
|
|
SPERM BANK BECOMES IMPOTENT
|
|
|
|
San Francisco (PETER FUNK PRESS).
|
|
|
|
Today, The First National Sperm Bank of San Francisco declared itself
|
|
impotent and closed its doors. Within an hour of the closing, a crowd of
|
|
about 500 of the bank's depositors, mostly men, gathered around First
|
|
National's front door, demanding the return of their sperm deposits. They
|
|
hurled plastic bags full of 2% milk at the building and chanted over and
|
|
over "Return my sperm!" When the bank refused to open its doors, the crowd
|
|
became violent and tried to break into the bank. First National bank
|
|
managers then called the police who broke up the enraged crowd with tear
|
|
gas and saltpeter.
|
|
|
|
Samaritan Bootlick, a fertility expert from the Congress of Copious
|
|
and Gala Fertility (CCGF), says the bank's failure exemplifies the problems
|
|
of the sperm bank industry, and he predicts more sperm bank failures in the
|
|
future. He has even suggested a fertility panic, a run on sperm banks, and
|
|
the collapse of the entire sperm industry unless the federal government
|
|
intervenes.
|
|
|
|
The problems of First National Sperm Bank of San Francisco began when
|
|
its young and aggressive manager Moot Protege invested the bank's sperm
|
|
reserves in venture fertility schemes. The bank suffered incredible losses
|
|
in these high risk investments. For instance, First National lost 50,000
|
|
units of sperm in a venture to improve the efficacy of sperm by teaching
|
|
them the crawl stroke and the scissors kick. However, it failed when the
|
|
sperm could only learn to dog paddle very fast. Even though this venture
|
|
scheme cast doubt on the ability of sperm to learn, First National
|
|
continued to invest in such projects and lost more than 300,000 units of
|
|
sperm in ventures to teach sperm things like assertive training and dead
|
|
reckoning.
|
|
|
|
The bank lost another 10,000 units of sperm in a eugenics venture
|
|
called Truth Justice and the American Way, run by a company called Hot
|
|
Pants Associates. First Bank lent 10,000 units of sperm to Hot Pants, which
|
|
used them to trade for 100 units of Superman's sperm. Hot Pants intended to
|
|
inseminate American women for a fee and breed Americans that can fly.
|
|
However, this project failed because confidence men sold Hot Pants
|
|
Associates 100 units not of Superman's sperm but that of Alfred E. Newman.
|
|
|
|
The death blow came to the bank when Protege, fearing the loss of his
|
|
job, then tried to recoup the bank's sperm loss by his own fraud. He
|
|
inflated First National's sperm reserves by buying billions of units of
|
|
sperm whale sperm, depositing it in the vault, and registering it as human
|
|
sperm. The inflated sperm reserves allowed First National to borrow sperm
|
|
from other sperm banks and buy sperm on the open futures market.
|
|
|
|
So long as the world spot sperm price rose Protege could pay off the
|
|
interest on the loans; however, the world sperm price fell when the
|
|
Chinese, desperate for foreign capital, went on a crash program to gather
|
|
sperm from its population and dumped 50 billion units of sperm on the
|
|
world market. The world spot sperm price dropped 30% in a week. First
|
|
National couldn't meet its margin calls and Protege's entire scheme
|
|
collapsed, forcing First National Sperm Bank of San Francisco to close its
|
|
doors.
|
|
|
|
Ironically, Samaritan Bootlick and the CCGF blame the federal
|
|
government for the sperm bank industry's problems. They believe an act of
|
|
Congress, the Ying Yang Act, laid the foundation for sperm banks to abuse
|
|
regulations and engage in speculation. Passed in the middle of the night by
|
|
Congress, the Ying Yang Act deregulated the sperm bank industry, enabling
|
|
sperm banks to extend their intercourse into risky enterprises. Bootlick
|
|
says the act favors speculation, and the Congress should reverse it before
|
|
the entire sperm industry collapses, forcing an immense federal bailout in
|
|
which every able-bodied American man will have to donate some of his sperm
|
|
to save the sperm bank industry from certain ruin.
|
|
|
|
===========================================================================
|
|
Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved.
|
|
You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the written
|
|
permission of the author with exception that a single user may retrieve
|
|
the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ from archives by anonymous FTP or through a Gopher
|
|
and may send it to another single user through electronic mail other than
|
|
an electronic mailing list such as Majordomo.
|
|
|
|
Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and
|
|
electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions
|
|
welcome.
|
|
|
|
|