124 lines
7.1 KiB
Plaintext
124 lines
7.1 KiB
Plaintext
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| ____ _ _____ _ ____ |
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| | _ \ ___| |_ ___ _ __ | ___| _ _ __ | | __ | _ \ _ __ ___ ___ ___ |
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| Vol 3 ********* Gratis |
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|============================================================================|
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STILL WHITEWATER RUNS DEEP....NOT
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Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS)
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The marketing research firm Putz Putz Putz & Sneer came out with
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another poll the other day, which showed most Americans don't understand
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the Whitewater scandal very well. The firm polled 1005 Americans and a
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control group 36 very smart orangutans. The orangutans showed their
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intelligence by demonstrating they could pull a voting lever when rewarded
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with a banana, thus, proving they had the approximate intelligence of a
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registered American voter.
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Pollsters working for Putz Putz Putz & Sneer formulated the survey to
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discover what Americans know about the important questions concerning
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President Clinton's involvement in the Whitewater affair, specifically,
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what the President knew, when he didn't know it, and why his gut keeps
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expanding even though every time you turn on the television news you see
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him jogging someplace.
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The survey conducted by Putz Putz Putz & Sneer had one question: "In
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your opinion, what is this Whitewater stuff all about, true or false?".
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When the firm's statisticians equated the poll results to the general
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population of America, they presumed 63% of most Americans would answer the
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question true, the wrong answer, and 15% of most Americans would give the
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correct answer of false.
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The remaining 55% of most Americans would answer B, which stated that
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the Whitewater scandal consists of a secret plan concocted in the National
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Security Council to sell Iran to some generic hostages and with the profits
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hire etiquette expert Gennifer Flowers to help Hillary Clinton become more
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popular with the average American white male.
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In the secret plan, Flowers would make Hillary more popular to the
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average white male by teaching her to shut up once in a while, and when she
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did speak to wear red lipstick, purse her ruby-painted lips, talk in a high
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pitched, squeaky voice with her mouth open, and say, "Ooh ooh," in every
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sentence. For instance, when Ms. Clinton criticized the drug companies for
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price fixing, she should have said, "Ooh the drug companies must stop
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gouging the American people, ooh ooh. Stop it right now drug companies, ooh
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ooh."
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However, the plan did not come about because Gennifer Flowers demanded
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compensation in the form of an important cabinet position in the Clinton
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administration like Secretary of Push-Up Bras, but President Clinton
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refused to give it to her because, in a cunning political move to attract
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members of United We Stand, he already had picked Ross Perot for the job.
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Already, critics have questioned the results of the Whitewater poll.
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For instance, 32% of the orangutans in the control group gave the correct
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answer of false, more than twice as many Americans. Critics charge the poll
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used biased methods to acquire these results because the pollsters gave
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bananas to those orangutans which answered the question correctly. Putz
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Putz Putz & Sneer discounted the criticism. "If anything," said Garwood
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Raison-d'etre, the company's spokesman, "we favored the Americans in the
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poll because not only did we give the Americans bananas when they answered
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correctly but we also peeled the bananas for them."
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Critics also denounce the calculations done in the poll, for the
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results show 123% of the sample answered the question. Raison-d'etre calls
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this a small numerical aberration within the study's statistical margin of
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error. He said the 23% surplus meant nothing. "Why," he said, "we have such
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statistical aberrations all the time.
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He said the firm once received a $500,000 grant from the American
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Deciduous Leaves Cartel to find out what Americans think about twigs in
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their diet. With the grant money they sent out their pollsters who asked
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twelve average, deranged Americans, "Would you eat more twigs to increase
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the fiber in your diet if given the opportunity?" None of the twelve people
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in the sample answered the question. In fact, all twelve held up crucifixes
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to the faces of the pollsters and said, "Back you vampire back. Back to
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your coffin."
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Statisticians of Putz Putz Putz & Sneer then took this numerical
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anomaly of zero responses into account and through their patented methods
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of statistical interpretation they found 54% of most Americans would eat
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more twigs if they had enough barbecue sauce on them.
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In their next survey, Putz Putz Putz & Sneer will survey what the
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American people think of President Clinton's abdomen. It has become a
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controversial topic in the scientific community, and the scientists on The
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National Board of Blimps, Blubber-Guts and General Lardo in the Department
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of Health and Human Services have become very interested in it. The Board
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doesn't understand why Clinton has lost no weight despite all the jogging
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he does, but the White House Press corps, who jog with him, have lost so
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much weight they now weigh an average of 37.5 pounds each, the smallest
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average weight for a White House press corps since the International Bureau
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of Weights and Measures began keeping such statistics in 1952.
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Many scientists also say Clinton's expanding gut goes against the law
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of physics. For instance, a physicist at Stanford University Dr. Claymont
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Hempfever has studied this question and calculated Clinton has jogged a
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distance equal to two orbits of Saturn around the sun during his year and a
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half presidency; yet, to all empirical observations, his stomach has not
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decreased but increased in volume, mass, and kilometers. Hempfever
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speculates that Clinton's belly conforms to some unknown natural force in
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the universe, possibly an evil one such as the force that causes some of
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your socks to disappear whenever you do your laundry, or the one that
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causes people to flirt with dachshunds.
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===========================================================================
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Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved.
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You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the written
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permission of the author with exception that a single user may retrieve
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the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ from archives by anonymous FTP or through a Gopher
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and may send it to another single user through electronic mail other than
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an electronic mailing list such as Majordomo.
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Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and
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electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions
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welcome.
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