130 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
130 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
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| ____ _ _____ _ ____ |
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| | _ \ ___| |_ ___ _ __ | ___| _ _ __ | | __ | _ \ _ __ ___ ___ ___ |
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| | |_) / _ \ __/ _ \ '__| | |_ | | | | '_ \| |/ / | |_) | '__/ _ \/ __/ __| |
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| | __/ __/ || __/ | | _|| |_| | | | | < | __/| | | __/\__ \__ \ |
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| |_| \___|\__\___|_| |_| \__,_|_| |_|_|\_\ |_| |_| \___||___/___/ |
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| Vol 1 ********* Gratis |
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|============================================================================|
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PARANORMAL THREATS AGAINST THE USA
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Washington DC (PETER FUNK PRESS)
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President Clinton's daily staff meeting at the White House ended
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abruptly today when the President suddenly fell out of his throne, rolled
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around on the floor laughing uncontrollably, and screamed, "Stop it! Stop
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it! Stop tickling me." His staff looked at themselves amazed, for none of
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them tickled him.
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In fact, the President issued an executive order only last week
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prohibiting anyone from tickling him. He issued this order after his D-Day
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trip to France where French president Francois Mitterand greeted the
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President as he deplaned Air Force One by tickling his ribs and saying in
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French with his best French accent, "Kootchy kootchy koo. Welcome to France
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Bob." Mitterand tried to welcome First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton the same
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way, but she pulled a gun out of her purse, waved it in the air and told
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him, "Back off Frenchy."
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Clinton's staff made several attempts to stop President Clinton's
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delirious laughing by showing him ghastly photographs of starving
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Somalians, butchered Rwandans, and, most abhorrent of all, a photograph of
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Rush Limbaugh wearing only a pair of bikini underwear. All of their
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attempts failed, so First Lady Hillary Clinton called in Surgeon-General
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Joselyn Elders to examine Clinton. She immediately diagnosed the President
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as falling under a voodoo spell. Elders said she had seen many examples of
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this type of sorcery in the most primitive, backward parts of Arkansas like
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the state legislature in Little Rock. She left the White House saying,
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"There's nothing I can do for the President. Just tell him to take two
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condoms and call me in the morning."
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Just after Dr. Elders left, President Clinton stopped laughing.
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Immediately, the White House received an anonymous phone call from General
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Cedras, the military leader of Haiti. Cedras told the White House he hired
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a voodoo witch doctor named Ugly Grandma Au-Contraire to make a wax image
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of President Clinton and, under his order, she had just tickled the
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President's image with a chicken feather.
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He then warned the White House that if the U.S. did not lift economic
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sanctions against Haiti he would order Ugly Grandma Au-Contraire to begin
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snapping the underwear of the waxen image underwear really hard, causing
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severe pain in the President. The military strongman then hung up abruptly
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because he said his mommy had called him to dinner. "We're having curly-Q
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french fries tonight and I get to use a crazy straw in my glass of Kool-
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Aid!" he said gleefully.
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Clinton became deeply concerned. He told his staff, "A voodoo spell on
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me would demean the office of the Presidency, not to mention the pain I
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would have to endure of a unremitting underwear snapping." He ordered the
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CIA to conduct a counter-terrorist operation against Cedras. Sources in the
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CIA have said this operation may include paranormal attacks against Cedras,
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possibly involving spontaneous combustion and alternative geography.
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Upon announcement of the President's order, prominent Republicans
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lawmakers like Newt Gingrich, Phil Graham, Lizzie Borden, Robert Dornan,
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Clever Hans, and Dracula attacked the President's intention to use
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paranormal aggression against Haiti. They said his defense cuts had
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weakened the paranormal defense of the US. They claimed the US could not
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conduct such an operation, because, since the end of the Cold War, the US
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has fallen behind the Third World in paranormal defense, leaving the
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American people vulnerable to hyperphysical aggression from spells, charms,
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incantations, and invocations.
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Research groups, as the nonpartisan group Center for Strategic
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Theosophical Studies, seem to support the Republican proposition. According
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to them, at the end of the Cold War, the Department of Defense (DOD)
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stopped all funding of paranormal defense. At one time the DOD conducted
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vigorous paranormal defense research. For instance, during the Reagan
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administration, as part of the Star Wars program, the CIA had a research
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program to contact angels in heaven and persuade them to drop nuclear bombs
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on Moscow.
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Reagan became convinced the U.S. could persuade angels to do this
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because the Soviet Union was atheist and God was on America's side.
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Scientists in the study actually claimed they had contacted heaven's
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answering service several times and left messages. However, nobody in
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heaven ever answered the messages and the CIA's conclusion of the 20
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million dollar study came to "The residents of heaven are very rude."
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However, Reagan disputed the conclusion, believing the angels did not know
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how to work their answering machines. He said, "They probably don't know
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how to operate their VCRs either."
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The Republican Party already has seized paranormal defense as a
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campaign issue. This evening, at a Republican fund raiser in Dallas,
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Republican Minority Whip Newt Gingrich raised the issue of supernatural
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defenses. He told a crowd of 500 Republicans that the US has become more
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vulnerable than ever to supernatural aggression from Third World countries.
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He called it the greatest threat to US security. As an example, he said a
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shaman in Liberia, disgruntled with USA over a lack of Liberians on prime
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time American television, could enchant Miss America, and the US would have
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no defense against it. The Republican audience gasped.
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Gingrich called the problem so serious the Republican Party would use
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it as a campaign issue in the next Presidential campaign. He told the
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audience the Republicans will go directly to the American people and
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promise them a Republican president would never allow its enemies to
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enchant Miss America. "Read our lips Republicans should state," said
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Gingrich, "none of our enemies foreign or domestic will put the mojo on
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Miss America."
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He called the supernatural defense issue a sure winner for the
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Republican Party, and to prevent the Democrats from stealing it, as the
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Democrats did with the crime issue, he proposed that the next Republican
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nominee for President have the ability to engage in out of body experiences
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and to bend spoons with his mind.
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===========================================================================
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Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved.
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You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the written
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permission of the author with exception that a single user may retrieve
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the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ from archives by anonymous FTP or through a Gopher
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and may send it to another single user through electronic mail other than
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an electronic mailing list such as Majordomo.
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Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and
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electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions
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welcome.
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