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=| :| : .| | :|=
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pEz monthly magazine % issue #25
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pEz monthly old school style funk in your trunk flava % issue #25 % july,
ninteen ninety-five % president and head writer :: black francis % head
editor :: dead cheese % vice-president :: murmur % all rights reserved, but
two wrongs don't make a right 1995 % whq :: gba @ (215)750-0392 % bye bye
call the pEz monthly magazine wacky-fun information line @ (800)356-5050!
we're on a road to zanyville and we're not stopping to ask for directions!
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: all natural ingredients ::
:: transcribed verbatim by; black francis ::
black francis sucks - pass it on, swimming, hot vmb lovin', easy
listening music, vmb begging, black francis is god, generic steak sauce,
black francis vs. the world, post-real history, snoop gets pimpslapped,
more black francis trashing, pussy punk niger stupid wanta be dumb ass
punks, the secret of gunbuster, morons on parade, the word of god, riboflava
and the stupid ass ho, more funne jokes from dead cheese, black francis'
placenta, e-'zine reviews, ascii toons, 'zines are taking over the world,
warez warez warez, black francis is still god, more t-file ripping?, pEz and
frannie go bye-bye - again, silver jew is a wuss, life sucks, the gong show,
nirvana, fuck the older generations, ascii porn, a new elite bbs; now with
_active sysops_, what's hot _this_ month?, the crazy naked lady under the
bridge, a tip to protect you from iranian terrorists, black francis gets
"moshed", mogels un-tapped angst, big tits, cool whip, assault rifles, wild
cherry slurpees, the prom, and much much more!
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: note from grand-master supreme; black francis ::
:: by; you know who, silly! ::
i was going to have a quality interview with ween this issue, but,
i was called into work at the last moment and wasn't able to attend their
show.
life is never easy on frannie street.
anyway; first thing's first, though, baby. pEz monthly is dead.
again.
yup. boo fucking hoo. i know i've said it all already, but this
time i mean it. really. seriously. once you finish this issue, there will
be no more _new_ pEz monthly for you to feast your hungry eyes upon, so, i
certainly hope you enjoy this chumpie.
not only is pEz monthly going to dissapear, but so am i, and i'm
taking my board with me. yup again. i've decided that i'm wasting away
(what should be) the best years of my life in front of a computer. it's a
sad fact, really, but it's not like i can't do anything about it. so, i'm
going to surgically remove myself from my computer and venture out into the
world. it makes my nipples erect just thinking about it. now i can
concentrate on the more important things in life, like; my social life, my
girlfriend, my band, etc. things that make me happy. yes. happy. shiny
and happy. but, until then, i will still be the pissed off heathen you have
all grown to love. it's a nice happy warm fuzzy kind of love, really. it's
the kind of love that festers somewhere near your lower intestine and
occasionally gives you diarhea. yum.
maybe when things slow down, i'll resurface somewhere. who knows?
speaking of fecal matter;
i guess i really wouldn't feel that way if the whole 'scene' hadn't
turned to shit on me, but, these things happen. things have gotten way out
of hand. everytime i'm on the irc, something pisses me off to the point
where i want to kick my monitor in, the local 'scene' is so lame it makes
me gag, the ansi 'scene' is laughable, and the 'zine 'scene', well, it's not
what it used to be.
i thought maybe trying to integrate the ansi and the 'zine 'scenes'
would be a good idea, but, i was horribly mistaken.
don't get me wrong. it's nice to have the 'zine 'scene' widely
recognized, and the little integration brought along some really rad guys,
but one bad apple spoils the bunch. for every rad guy that popped his head
into the 'zine 'scene', five morons jumped in with him.
i'm using the word 'scene' way _way_ too much.
that brings me to all these damned groups that are popping out of
nowhere. jesus. where are they all coming from? what makes someone think
they can run their own group? short history lesson - pEz monthly was
actually started because i was turned down by another group. ironic, i
guess. in a way. i never really wanted to start my own group. keep in
mind this was way back in, uhm, december of ninety-four. yup. that sounds
about right. so, that clears me of this fad, but i still feel as if i'm
contributing to it by running my own 'zine.
contributor-to-fad-no-more, baby! i'm through!
it's a shame, too. i _know_ that pEz monthly was one of the more
funny, original, and overall better 'zines out there. too bad nobody ever
really caught on except for a few neat guys like bloodshot, asphixia, etc.
(thanks a whole heap, guys). now, we have to put up with bullshit like bah.
well, i won't any longer, but, you still will. haha! suffer!
jesus. i feel like the ramones.
you know, even some of the wacky kids i've grown to know over the
modem have turned on me. how depressing. i am sad.
i've got angst to spare, baby cakes.
enough bitching for now. let's proceed with the final, and what i
hope to be the best, issue of pEz monthly. enjoy.
side note; this issue is action-packed, let me tell you. i made it
extra big and extra humorous! yes, i did! i threw a bunch of little
personal clippings that i've been collecting through the past couple of
months that have stricken me as funny, and i thought it would be nice to
share them with your pathetic hinder. you can thank me later.
another side note; the only contact i will be keeping with my 'scene'
buddies will be through my vmb. feel free to give it a ring if you have
something important or pointless to say. whatever floats your boat.
1-800-245-1305; box 75075
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: the day of the 'zine ::
:: body by; black francis ::
'zines are taking over the world, i tell you! beware; the day of the
'zine is coming!
will _you_ be purged? repent now, dewdleboys! repent now, warez
pups! repent now, haxor geeks!
uhm. ok. sorry. i've been drinking way too much soda tonight.
[-----]
date: 5:57 pm sun jun 11, 1995 number : 2 of 4
from: destroyer base : [elite]from the staff
to : all refer #: none
subj: h/p/a boards replies: none
stat: normal origin : local
if anyone has any good #'s for 'zine boards.. no warez boards, please post
em or e-mail me.. i'm in dire need :>
[[elite]from the staff] 2 of 4 reading :
============================================================================
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:: pEz official mascot - bloodshot ::
:: promoted by; black francis ::
i hereby elect bloodshot as the official mascot of pEz monthly
magazine.
yay.
[-----]
date: 6:25 pm wed jun 7, 1995 number : 202 of 202
from: bloodshot base : private mail
to : black francis refer #: none
subj: ! replies: none
stat: normal origin : local
heya. pez 24 kicked azz. phew. thats a load off my back. pezpezpez. its all
i think about anymore. pezpezpez. anyway, jeez, you must have a real shitty
compie... system is slow as shit, ya know? bleh don't mind my bitchin. oh
btw, you might wanna change the qwk name from renegade.qwk to something more
suitable such hmm, goat.qwk. looks real gay the way it is now, trust me. oh
there i go again. ahh dont worry. i still hold you close and dear to my
heart.
- bludzy [vapor/bslap]
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: my velouria ::
:: random snippits from the logs of; black francis ::
*** iv has been kicked off channel #ansi by dhate (lame)
*vilL* hey man! whats the new 800 for squeaky? :).
*** dhate has been kicked off channel #ansi by iv (idiot)
*edi* hey! where's my vmb?! :P
<blood> ** files offered. /msg blood xdcc send #n for autosend file #n
<blood> #1 pEz monthly #023. the first zine in my 2 years with a modem that
actually made me lol.
*edi* i want me vmb!
lucky <screaming>: _tons and tons of cheese goes blub blub blub_
*skyblaZer* black francis of pEz???? you are god man. i worship you. i
even got my hair cut like you.
[from agent orange@565]: i like to lick clits until the girl cumms so much
it drips down my belly
frannie> if it was legal to marry a squirrel, do you think you would?
moe> depends on what she looks like.
*** dr. sarcasm says to you: you should change your name to black freaksis
frannie> ever stick your head in the refridgerator while you close the door
to see if you can watch the little light go off?
moe> why? i don't have eytes on ... oh, ah, nope.
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: i've got a match ::
:: the best of frannies vmb ::
collect 'em, trade 'em, and swap 'em with friends for cheap hookers
and fraudulent credit cards!
vmbs are fun fun fun for the whole family, let me tell you. if
you're a bored little anti-social nymph such as myself, here's what you do;
get a vmb, then, give out the number to the vmb wherever and whenever you
get the chance. give it out on chat boards, the irc, make business cards,
etc. the possibilities are endless, baby cakes. next, sit back, check your
messages about every hour or so, and enjoy! zany hi-jinx will ensue, oh yes.
haxor a few for the boys back home while you're at it!
here's a wee sample of some of the better messages i got in just a
few short weeks. yes, you too can have this much fun! i'm way too
enthusiastic about this article.
somebody please help me.
i hurt inside.
[-----]
"<unintelligable>, man, you fuckin' suck!"
[-----]
"pEz, 24, was good. this is a complicated message. i liked it so much, i
went out and bought all of <unintelligable>'s walkie-talkies. i hope you
enjoyed listening to it, because i sure didn't."
[-----]
"word up, frannie. you just rule like poop, man. that's all i got to say,
man. i just wanted to check out the vmb and leave some bullshit message.
see what you had to say. maybe you'd say something about swimming. who
knows? you don't know who this is, do you? oh well. uh. i'm out of
here, man. peace out. keep up the pEz, man. love it. later, man."
[-----]
"ooooh. francis. i want to feel you. i want to.. touch you. i want to
suck you off. i want to feel your penis in my mouth. i want you to cum
all over me. ooh. ok. i'm bored."
[-----]
"ok. you hid the peanut in your left ear, cause, you're a nigger, and
that's where niggers hide stuff because that's the last place the cops look
when they're searching for drugs and stuff."
[-----]
"assho'? gee, who knows? have i ever told you that you're _real_ weird,
man? _very_ weird. somewhat scary that there's actually someone like you.
i phear you, man. even more than i phear mogel or swamp ratte. or, any
other dude. even pip. oh, by the way, i like that new pEz, man.
especially the.. especially the thing about pip the angry youth ripping off
your poetry. oh, and by the way, this is about your little 'info-wacky-
scary-fun-shit' line; i just _love_ the poem, man. you have nooo idea who
this is, do ya? that's alright. i'm around. catch you later, dude. maybe
in the future, or, the past. whoah."
[-----]
"hello? hello? is this the clark group? hello? _hello_? god damnit,
rose, you gave me the wrong number."
[-----]
"mogel will kick your ass anyday, dude."
[-----]
( black francis notes; well, it seems that if you call up my vmb, while
you're waiting for my box to load or whatnot, they play some nice 'easy
listening' type music for you to listen to. you know; elton john, micheal
bolton, phil collings, etc. i've gotten numberous complaints on this, but,
what can you do? complain to the system administrator? deal with it, pink
boy. fifteen seconds of whitney houston won't kill you. )
"uhm. i was going to be nice and leave a message, and then i had to put up
with about fifteen seconds of a really really shitty elton john song, so i
decided i wouldn't."
[-----]
"<burp>. <_bbbuuurrrppp_>. ahh."
[-----]
"uh. hello? uh. you said, like, only one person called your voice mail
box, and they said that you suck, and that pissed you off. so, like, i'm
calling. uh. how ya doin'? uh. while i was waitin', they made me listen
to some kind of shitty whitney houston crap or something like that. uh. oh
well. uh oh oh. this is, like, liquid death. so you're in cia? make me
an ansi. heh. uh. thank you."
[-----]
"hey. this is neko, and they put me on hold and i had to listen to micheal
bolton while they were transferring me to your voice mail box and it was not
the best thing i've ever thought of. so, uhm, i guess i'm just gonna die
right now, so, goodbye. i hope just hanging up on this will actually save
the message and stuff. ok."
[-----]
"whoah. this is my first time calling this thing, man. nice message. uhm,
this is sinister sheep, man, and, i had something to say about pEz; i liked
those.. the rEds with, like, the mentos commercials. you should do
something like that again in pEz. maybe, like, lays potato chips; why
can't you just eat one? or.. uhm.. get your own bag. i don't know. "why
can't you eat just one?" was the only thing in my head right then. that's
why you got my little <unintelligeable> there. <unitelligable> now, you've
heard my voice. woo hoo. i'm gonna get out of here, man. see ya."
[-----]
( black francis notes; this is a nice little friendly californian who we
called up on a cia conference and was more than happy to call up my vmb and
leave me stupid messages. i asked her to please make them dirty message,
but, hey, you can't win them all. )
"hello, black francis. i wonder if you're really black, or, if you just
want to be black. uhm. i'm not gonna die. i'm just nikki, and don't call
me, 'cause we just got off the phone. that was nice music, there. that was
cool. uhm. i'm gonna go now, and i'll call you back later. bye."
[-----]
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: the 7-11 confrontation ::
:: as experienced by; black francis ::
i periodically and spontaneously get the sudden urge to stuff my face
with fattening and health-deteriorating goods. i recieved one such urge on
june eighth, ninteen ninety-five, around twelve noon.
i threw on some jeans, a t-shirt, and sandals, then proceeded to my
luxurious ninteen seventy-seven volkswagen beetle. i made the two minute
drive to the neighborhood 7-11, and anxiously approached the haven of
sweets. my mouth watered at the thought of all the beautful chocolates and
candies and sodas and chips that awaited me inside.
a man in his young teens was exiting the establishment while i made
my way in. he was shabbily dressed, sweaty, and by the looks of his pants,
he had been mowing lawns.
guy; "nice earring."
me; "well, technically, since it's in my nose and not in my ear,
it's not an earring."
guy; "<pause> fuck you, you fuckin' freak!"
.. and with that, he vanished from my life forever. no goodbye. no
nothing. he didn't even stop to pick a fight with me, like most uptight
narrow-minded jock fucks would.
how dissapointing.
i proceeded to the back of the store, bought my large wild cherry
slurpee, and drove back home trying to drink it with one hand, operate my
manual stick shift, and steer with the other.
my lips were bright red for the senior prom that evening.
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: self-glorification at it's finest ::
:: appreciated by; black francis ::
eye lub yew, too, bloodshot!
we could all learn a valueable lesson from bloodshot, you know.
kiss my ass hardcore and maybe, just maybe, you can become a pEz
monthly official mascot, as well.
[-----]
date: 4:16 pm wed jun 7, 1995 number : 250 of 311
from: bloodshot base : general
to : black francis refer #: none
subj: re: america replies: none
stat: normal origin : local
BF> you quoted all that for four words?
BF>
BF> you're an idiot.
you are my god.
no seriously.
and pez is my bible.
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: sock it to _me_? ::
:: yup; black francis ::
grunge has now _officially_ taken over country as the most popular
musical style in the us.
hahahahahahahahahahaha. ow. i think i pulled something.
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: the many phobias of silver jew ::
:: submitted by; silver jew ::
"i'm scared, i swear, of you!" is what d.c. berman sings on the
silver jew's song 'new orleans'. i'm not necessarily afraid of you, I'm
afraid of the majority. i doubt the majority reads this 'zine, so I'll
share my fears with you.
well, number one, i'm afraid of the dark. i can't stand it. i can't
fall asleep at night when the lights are completely out. i need something
to be there, to make me feel secure. i usually have a Pavement album in the
stereo, because hearing stephen malkmus's voice at night makes me feel safe.
number two, i'm afraid of women. i have had only two girlfriends in
my lifetime, and both have hurt me worse than any physical pain that could
be inflicted upon me. this has terrified me of them, i feel like they're
all evil because of these two encounters.
number three, i'm afraid of this year's lollapalooza. i'm afraid
that pavement will become popular to all the frat boys and dumbshit jocks.
i'm afraid of hearing "at&t" or "silence kid" hummed by dipshits.
i hope you can relate.
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: a-do-the-humpty-hump ::
:: from the capture files of; black francis ::
now, this ... this just makes my nipples rock solid.
[-----]
current conference: a - h/p/a/v/c
join which conference (?=list) : @
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> errrr! <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><>۰<EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD>۰<EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
ahhhh! <20><>۰<EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20><> <20> <20><> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
<20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
welcome to the adult area!
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============================================================================
:: it's a maturity thing; you wouldn't understand ::
:: submitted by; come-mistah-tally-man-tally-me-banana mogel ::
every tick-tock-ticking minute of the day, it strikes me what is
happening. something horrible is occurring before us. there's a cosmic
atrocity being committed. something is wrong is going on.
nothing.
nothing happens. you're the same piece of shit you were yesterday.
look at you. that's right. take a good look at your worthless hide. i'm
on a *modem* and i've got *angst*. i've got a *lot* of *angst*. don't look
at me. don't talk to me. you're a fucking moron. yes _you_.
"guh. what the hell is mogel talking about?"
i'm talking about it all. the big thing. i'm talking about the
pathetic way that your brain works. you don't think. you're sitting there
reading this e'zine and nothing's changing inside of you. we could be
completely cutting you up to bits, and you'd say 'that's lame, d0oD!@' or we
could be saying something completely profound that you agree with and then
you'd say 'right on, dE\x/d!@'.
pEz monthly wasn't even about that. we could care less whether you
agreed or not with us. what pEz monthly _was_ about, was the chance to get
your opinion, your voice, and your sarcasm out into the world of 'zines, to
be heard. we wanted to change people. but you fucked it up, you worthless
maggot.
i'm hoppin' and boppin' in a fit. i'm rootin' tootin' mad and i
wanna pee off a bridge on frank sinatra's suit 'cause i'm steaming angry and
i wanna kick you in the head. your big stinky head.
ansi? don't fucking talk to me about ansi. you stupid worthless
morons that obsess about colored blocks for hours, actually discussing and
dual-kissing each other's asses over a stupid picture of a ripped comic
character can die. die die die. don't even read this. you'll never get
it. you suck. fuck dat.
lit? you think a stupid angst poem about mommie and daddie taking
away your latest t.v. set is a great tragedy, you suburban rich garbage. go
take you're rants about blood and death to some gothic moron that actually is
at you're pathetic level. fuck dat.
warez? don't even _think_ about mentioning warez. fuck dat.
hackers? when will most of you morons realize that once you learn
it, it's basically redundance unbound. eventually it comes around to the
same pathetic point. fuck dat.
you chat board losers can die along with everyone else. only a moron
like you can spend your entire life aimlessly making stupid flirtatious
comments to fat girls and computer geek-guys. go the hell outside and do
something with your worthless doomed life. you're bad jokes and simplistic
conversations make me puke. fuck dat.
me? i suck the most. i'm a moron and a hypocrite to the highest
degree. i curse all the things i do myself. i'm a loser and fuckhead.
kill me now and we'll save us both a lot of suffering.
yes, i'm in a tissy. i'm kickin' it overdrive flavah. maybe we
expected too much from a group of nitwits like you.
you fuckheads recite the word 'lame' like it was the only word you
could actually type. this text file thing that pEz monthly was about
something bigger and better than anything _any_ other computer "scene" could
have produced. pEz monthly was about all of you _really_ expressing
yourself.
basically, pEz monthly is dead now because of you and only you.
so now you can continue whatever worthless activity you were doing
and you'll won't hear a peep out of it again. i hope you're happy,
fuckface.
it's a maturity thing; you wouldn't understand.
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: the _never-ending_ sad sad story of dead cheese ::
:: as captured by; black francis ::
the boy is _sick_! sick, i tell you!
[-----]
user-ID ..................... dead cheese
sex ......................... male
message ..................... i'm not wearing any pants! tee hee.
account created.............. 07/22/94
last time on................. 06/01/95 10:11pm
class ....................... 90day
time on today (hh:mm) ... 28:16
nickname ....................
time on this call (hh:mm) ... 3:38
location .................... majormud
baud rate ................... 14400
line number ................. 17
flags ....................... b (b=busy, c=chat, s=sysop, i=invisible)
[-----]
twenty-eight hours and sixteen minutes in one day? is that humanly
possible?
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: new elite bbs ::
:: also from the capture files of; black francis ::
>destroyer
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
WR<57>Th <20><> ô<>|| <20><>S
S<>s<EFBFBD>ps: D<>v!|_
D<>stڙ<74><DA99>r
<20><> W<><57><EFBFBD>z!!!!
1.3 G|GZ <20><> S|zz<7A><7A><EFBFBD>g <20>d<EFBFBD>|_<> <20>ILZ <20><>D ô\<5C>\<5C>\V\<5C>
I<> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>R<EFBFBD> <20><>l<EFBFBD> G<><47><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> K<>LL <20><><EFBFBD> <20>D<EFBFBD>L<EFBFBD>, D<><44>'T C<>LL!!!!!!!!!
<20><>T|V<> S<>s<EFBFBD>pS
CaLL NoW FOr ThE LARgEsT AdULt BbS ARouND WiTH A QUiCKlY GRoWInG H/P/A/V/C
COLLeCTiON!
2 i 5 - 8 3 6 4 6 i 4
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: the adventures of billy; the retarded dishboy ::
:: episode two; billy has to pee! ::
:: by; black francis ::
it was quite a busy night for billy. he had never seen so many
dishes. without mercy, buspan after buspan, the waitresses would roll them
in for billy to take care of. that's not what bugged him, though. it was
the fact that he had to pee so bad he could feel it way up in his stomach.
"eeh ahh." he would mumble to himself, legs crossed.
maybe he shouldn't have taken full advantage of that bottemless soda
that he had on his lunch break. maybe.
his face was getting warmer now. he felt flushed. another waitress
strolled back into the dishroom to deliver another buspan to billy.
"are you ok, billy? you don't look so good." she said. you could
never really tell if the wait staff was being sincere in their concern for
billy, or if they were just patronizing him.
"yah yah eye em uk." he was lying through his teeth. you could hear
it in his voice. he was struggling. if he could just hold out until things
slowed down a bit, he could make it to the bathroom and not have to worry
about a mountain of dishes waiting for him when he came back.
just a little longer, billy. just a little longer.
then, suddenly, the dishwasher sprung a leak.
billy soon followed.
billy stopped what he was doing for just a second, sighed, and went
back for another refill of soda.
===========================================================================
===========================================================================
:: ascii-toons; larry lamer in lamerville ::
:: by ascii-master supreme; black francis ::
____________________________________________________________________________
| ##### | where'z the warez? | | _______________ | send me $20 and |
| | ..| |--------------------| | %%%%% | gimme awps, | | maybe i'll make |
| |___| / _____________ | | ..| | you nigga!@ | | you an ascii, |
| __|__ | you are | ,,,,, | |___| /-------------| | lamer!@ |
| | | a lamer!@ | |.. | | __|__ | ________________ |
| | |-----------\ |___| | | <-- lamer!@ | | |___| _ | |
|--/-\------------------__|__--| | | | --| | | |
| /_ \/ bF --> | |___/_\__________________| |____|___|__|__| |
|_________________________|____|__/___\_________________|__________________|
( larry the lamer and lamerville are copyright black francis 1995, lamer!@ )
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: generic! steak sauce; condiments chapter 93 ::
:: submitted by; murmur ::
her condition was a rather surly one, one traceably anarchistic, yet
one of utter devotion. there is, after all, nothing so outwardly
paradoxical as faith in anarchy as an institution. needless to say, her
natural tendencies engulfed her, poisoning the golden arrow, frying the
swan's eggs. she was brave, however, and fought the temptation well; she
would not succumb to the candy. and she did not, for she was loyal, devout.
moral :: mitnick is out. may i take a message?
slurp.
===========================================================================
===========================================================================
:: vamos ::
:: stolen by; black francis ::
date: 12:24 pm mon may 29, 1995 number : 107 of 117
from: cyberelf base : private mail
to : socrates refer #: none
subj: re: polyticks replies: none
stat: normal origin : local
C> replying to yer own messages to make a joke?
BF>
BF> once again, i have to stress that fact that you're a fucking idiot.
BF>
BF> francis^cia
S>
S>
S>
S> yea, but usually you can figure out what he is trying to say. im
S> lost.. is he saying you are actually james hetfield?
S>
S> -socs
heh, shit he isn't? a couple of posts back like a week or so,
said that him bf and james were one and the same. ah well fuck it, i just
don't give a shit bout this place anymore, sick of bf's shit.
===========================================================================
===========================================================================
:: dem ho's i know ::
:: submitted by : everyones favorite gangsta; riboflava ::
:: aka; dead cheese ::
da other day, i was strollin' down the street (wit' my packed piece
of course) and i saw some fine lookin' ho's on the corner of 6th and pine.
i went up to one and was like, "damn, bitch. you lookin' fine tonight. how
much i gots to lose 'for i gets some?"
ho says, "honey, you ain't got shit in them pants. i don't bump
uglies with kids, ya dig? take your little butt outta here and sit it in
front of some video games or somethin'. maybe you could come back whens you
gots some pubes."
hell! dat bitch din't know shit 'bout dis nigga's python. i was
like, "what? what did you say? bitch, my dick so big, i could beat da shit
outta you with it. lucky for you, i don't need it. i gots my shit packed
and i be wantin' some of dat booty."
i pulls my nine out, points to an alley, and I says, "ho, you gonna
go in dat alley and do sumptin' nasty wit' me or i's gon'ta do sumptin'
nasty to you wit' my nigga-killa here."
now i wudn't gon'ta kill no ho in front of all them people and she
know'd it. but you know dat bitch wanted some o' my skillz cuz she just
walks right into dat alley, shakin' dat ass fierce. so I walks in there and
she rips her clothes off wit'out me haffin' to tell her.
dat's when da shit hit me. i start takin' her in wit' my eyes I'm
like "damn!" until i gets to her nasty. turns out her nasty's even bigger
den mine and i's like, "shit! you a fag! i ain't take dat shit, nigga!"
a few minutes later, i walks out that alley wit' my smokin' shit in
my pocket. i knocked dat boy down. sorry fuck shouldn'ta tried dat shit
on me.
[-----]
sheeit, bitch. who stole my watermelon?
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: e-mag reviews ::
:: by; aye-kay-oh ::
( in the hopes of widening our fanbase, we've decided to throw the
_ever-popular_ review section into the mix. the views expressed in this
article are completely correct and if you don't agree with them then there
is something definitely wrong with your pathetic self. )
the rating system goes as follows;
==================================
sucks - sucks
waste of hard drive space - sucks
pathetically horrible - sucks
gut-wretchingly horrbile - sucks
don't make me laugh - sucks
not worth the loading time - sucks
good - sucks
excellent - s'ok
[-----]
infinity #2; 50 ways to kill a lamer? h0h0! nice try, moron! idiots
shouldn't write articles for e-mags.
rating; pathetically horrible.
queso #1; an ansi-related e-mag? how original! fuck off!
rating; not worth the loading time.
bitchslap #5; stone the crow makes me want to kick something.
rating; waste of hard drive space.
jonas #8; whoah whoah! that black francis guy shure is neat.
rating; excellent.
pEz monthly #25; no ansi reviews? lamers! get out of the scene!
rating; sucks.
hoe release #4; what? .txt? what the fuck is this shit?
rating; don't make me laugh.
gasp #54562; hah! the words are too big for me in this one, so i won't read
it. lamers!
rating; gut-wretchingly horrible.
[-----]
all the other e-mags i was going to review put me to sleep, so i
will not even waste my precious time by spreading their sheer idiocy through
this article.
all comments and complaints can be shoved directly up your fat ass.
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: oh my golly! ::
:: not by; black francis ::
.. and now, ladies and gentlemen, the very best of new user feedback.
running a board can be oh-so-rewarding in oh-so-many ways.
[-----]
date: 6:15 am wed may 17, 1995 number : 89 of 89
from: bald head base : private mail
to : black francis refer #: none
subj: gimme akzezz, dood! replies: none
stat: deleted origin : local
uh...dat was pretty kewl..not bad rg moddin....like the logon screen..
[-----]
date: 3:12 am mon jun 12, 1995 number : 131 of 135
from: hoax base : private mail
to : black francis refer #: none
subj: gimme akzezz, dood!@ replies: none
stat: normal origin : local
what up dude..I'm logon on to see what kinda ansi shit joo niggar ass
got.. so lets see da shit.. late f00
hoax
[-----]
date: 7:33 am tue jun 6, 1995 number : 174 of 175
from: kain base : private mail
to : black francis refer #: none
subj: gimme akzezz, dood!@ replies: none
stat: normal origin : local
can you validate me? i heard this was like a kick-ass warez board and i
called to find out. i am on basically every elite board in 617 and 813. i
have like 1500 hacking files, like 250 warez programs, i am the co-sysop of
the wizard's bbs! i think i should get on! go for it
[-----]
date: 4:15 pm sat jun 10, 1995 number : 82 of 82
from: jchamp base : private mail
to : black francis refer #: none
subj: gimme akzezz, dood!@ replies: none
stat: normal origin : local
homersexual happy! that was funny. i am a very fast 0 day courier and i
heard this board was awesome. so if you let me on i'll do my share and more
to make this board awesome. i'll upload about 20-30 megs of 0 day warez a
week.
[-----]
date: 3:43 pm mon jun 12, 1995 number : 144 of 149
from: siva base : private mail
to : black francis refer #: none
subj: gimme akzezz, dood!@ replies: none
stat: normal origin : local
hi justin :*
uhm.. i love you, and you let mike ostrich on this board.. if mike is good
enough for this board, then so am i..
i go to penn state. i saw you at radiohead, nice tatoo.
tell tom i said hi.
let me on.. i heard so much about this place.. umm..
bye justin.
:>
-dan
[-----]
date: 9:51 pm sat jun 3, 1995 number : 102 of 117
from: mirage base : private mail
to : black francis refer #: none
subj: gimme akzezz, dood!@ replies: none
stat: normal origin : local
yo, i am an ex-razor and ex-risc courier/courier coordnator. i left the
scene for 4 months and just came back about a month ago. i was iin cia, acid
and ice ansi groups. i am on the internet and have access to 0 day warez!
i will be a big uploader here and i hope you have more than 1 line! i like
to upload 0 day shit!
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: the sad punk ::
:: pussy punk niger stupid wanta be dumb ass punk; black francis ::
this particular piece of new user feedback deserves it's very own
little title, divider, and the whole nine yards. it's just _too_ damn cool
to be mixed in with all the others.
[-----]
date: 2:32 am sat apr 1, 1995 number : 51 of 54
from: w base : private mail
to : black francis refer #: none
subj: Your a bum, watch yourself or el replies: none
stat: deleted origin : local
bitch black francis, what's up. pussy, you think your bad your a punk niger
you stupid wanta be dumb ass, punk.
cyberantes
you think you bad, but your not
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: the dunkin' donuts confrontation ::
:: as experienced by; black francis ::
about a year or so back, my family and i lived in an apartment
complex not too far away from the one we live in now. anyhow, that last
summer that we were there, a homeless lady moved (so to speak) underneath
a bridge which bordered the property of the apartment complex. the local
kids (myself included) used to bug the living fuck out of her. we'd throw
firecrackers at her, dump things on her as we passed overhead, etc. a few
times we would walk by the bridge, and, much to our horror, see her
completely naked - bathing in the creek. vulgar, to say the least.
wow. i'm way off topic now. anyhow, here's the deal;
in the wee hours of the morn, when bored, i've been known to visit
the local dunkin' donuts and chill with a vanilla creme and some orange
juice. it helps me think sometimes. anyway, one particular evening at the
dunkin' donuts, in walks the homeless lady from under the bridge.
then fate kicked in. she walked over and sat down next to me.
things were silent for a while. time kind of dragged on like it
normally does two o'clock in the morning at a dunkin' donuts. out of
nowhere, unprovoked, the lady whispered to me.
"you know why all the indians run these places that are open 24 hours
a day?" she asked me, as serious as could be.
"no. no i don't."
"it's so when the iranians come to bomb us, they can bomb everything
_except_ the stores that still have their lights on, keeping their fellow
middle easterners safe."
i sat and thought about that for a few minutes. it sure sounded like
a reasonable theory two o'clock in the morning. so, when i got home, i dug
through the boxes in my closet and found my bart simpson nightlight.
forever safe for terrorism i shall be.
===========================================================================
===========================================================================
:: god said it, it must be so ::
:: submitted by; shadow tao ::
greetings brothers and sisters in our lord jesus nameamen!
i have written you to remind you of the words of our teacher.
we must not stray from his path, lest we fall to the heathens below
us.
[-----]
1. we are the _true_ righteous people of the earth. god has chosen _us_
as his people. if someone who is not of us claims this, we must beat
the living shit out of that satan-worshiping heathen.
2. if they don't think like us, they are not _righteous_. beat the
unrighteous shit out of them, too.
3. god hates wiggers. beat 'em.
4. god hates faggots. hang 'em.
5. god hates communist-pinko-leftists. burn 'em.
6. god loves us. _only_ us.
7. remember; like so many other things in our great country, god's favor
can be bought. soooo, keep that money rolling in, or you'll become a
wigger, a faggot, or liberal.
[-----]
let us end in prayer. protect us from the unholy acts of sinners.
make our faces shine and our stomachs full. place a buick in every
follower's driveway and supply us with a never-ending shower of pedantic
traditional entertainers. make the world a better place so we won't have to
change it. kill off all the fags and liberals so that we can have our way,
err... i mean, your way. make our bullets accurate as we kill the abortion
doctors in your name. show the world the path of christianity, because as
we all know, our way is the only way. in the lord jesus nameamen.
===========================================================================
===========================================================================
:: my placenta falls to the floor ::
:: by; black francis ::
gee. do you think they could beat "lightning crashes" any more into
the ground than they already have?
naw.
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: life ::
:: by; silver jew ::
my life is sad. sad is my life. is my life sad? yes.
whew - my right ear is ringing. i was on the phone for about two
hours with an ex-girlfriend. i've had two girlfriends in my entire life.
both now consider "giving head" as a sport.
i have bad taste.
actually, i don't really think it's that. i think it's where i
live. i live in smithfield, north carolina. if the name alone doesn't tell
you something, you're blind. Let's play decipher names for a second, ok?
smith - most common name in america. similar to chung/chang
in china.
field - figure it out yourself.
north carolina - only one thing worse than this, south carolina.
i hate the south, i moved here from detroit.
anyways, a few more fun facts about my town;
1. we don't have a music store. (nearest is about 40 miles away)
2. all we really have is a walmart plaza (subway, pic'n'pay shoes)
3. no one in this town has _heard_ of pavement.
what was the point of this? i want you to feel sorry for me.
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: damn. i sure do miss the gong show ::
:: with celebrity judge; black francis ::
damn. i sure do miss the gong show.
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: nirvana. whee. ::
:: by; silver jew ::
here's something mildly entertaining that i found on the internet;
[-----]
dear anyone willing to help;
i am a freshmen in high school in carroll, iowa. our school recently
made a student in 8th grade wear his "in utero" nirvana t-shirt inside out.
the guidance counselor claimed the band and shirt were "satanic", she
also accused the student wearing the shirt of being satanic, although he
is not. i'm not saying i'm against satanism, but this is prejiduce (sic)
and censorship.
the school and police department are debating whether or not to allow
students to wear nirvana apparel in our school district. please send me
any comments or information related to this. i would like to prove to the
school that the members of nirvana are not and never were satanic. please
respond or e-mail me.
thank you,
nate smith
lord_nate@netins.net
[-----]
number one, what the fuck are you doing in iowa, kid? seriously
though, that's pretty sad that police and school officials are trying to
censor something that they don't understand because they're too old. if i
become that narrow-minded when i get older, please shove a hot poker up my
ass.
if i understand correctly, this kid is talking of the nirvana shirt
with the cover art from "in utero" on it. i own the shirt, it has the
cover on the front with "in utero" on the back of the shirt. there isn't
anything satanic or obscene on the shirt.
just shows baby-boomers that are trying to get rid of something they
don't understand.
my god, bob dole has brought the "parents of america" club back to
life because of his attack on 2 live crew, nine inch nails, and the movie
natural born killers. this is the same club that outlawed dungeons and
dragons from california because it was "satanic".
fuck these older generations.
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: the dinner table confrontation ::
:: as experienced by; black francis ::
dinner is usually a strange experience at my house. the food is
always good, but the atmosphere at the table when the family gets together
is kind of odd. we're not a very close-knit clan, and we certainly don't
have much in common. this usually makes conversation very awkward and
the very short time i'm in the kitchen seems to drag on and bumble along.
"dad and i were going to go to a movie tonight. do you want to
come?" asked my mom.
"i can't, mom. i'm going to a concert." i wasn't lying. i had been
waiting for this concert for a while. although going to the movies with my
parents at seventeen years old wasn't exactly my idea of a good time, i
still would have went with them if i hadn't made previous arrangments. it's
still nice to please the folks from time to time by hanging out with them.
"is it a moshing concert?" she asked.
"what? a _moshing_ concert? uhm. i really don't think there will
be moshing there. no."
"do you ever do moshing at concerts?"
"well, yeah. most of the concerts i go to. yeah."
"isn't that dangerous? what happens when you get moshed?"
"what? what are you talking about? get moshed? uh. well, everyone
usually stops to pick you up and make sure you don't get hurt."
"that's not what the tv said."
"do you turn to the tv for all your guidance? i'm telling you,
that's what they do. i've been to millions of 'moshing' shows."
"that's not what they said. they said people get hurt and sometimes
people get killed. they get trampled on when they get moshed. some people
suffocate. what is the point of moshing, anyway?"
"i don't know. it's a nice way to release stress."
"what do you do? slam into each other? run into each other? is
that what you do? can you, like, stand up and show us what you do when you
mosh?"
"no, mom. that's ridiculous. leave me alone."
"come on. just show me. do you ram into people? do you, like,
shove them like (pushes my shoulder) this? show us. what do you do?"
"damnit, mom. leave me alone, please."
"will you at least show me? i don't get it. i don't see the
attraction. can you mosh me for a second so i know what it's like? i've
never been moshed. i've never even seen it."
"fine, mom. stand up. stand over there."
we both put down our untensils and walked to the far end of the
kitchen. she obviously had no clue what slam-dancing was, so, i took upon
myself to show her.
i felt bad knocking her to the floor like that, but, she deserved it.
"is that what you do? and this is fun? have you even gotten moshed?
are you planning on moshing tonight?"
"shut up already, mom."
i guess it's a lot funnier when you actually visualize me
slam-dancing with my mom in the kitchen and knocking her into the
refridgerator.
ok. so maybe it's still not funny, what do you want from me?
===========================================================================
===========================================================================
:: what's hot and what pretty much sucks ::
:: by; black francis ::
ahh. something tells me it's time for another installment of black
francis' patended "what's hot and what pretty much sucks".
that's right, kids. you've been wandering aimlessly for the past
month wondering, "damn! what does black francis think is cool _this_
month? you know, i can try my hardest to be like black francis, but, alas,
it'll never happen! i'll always be a worthless piece of shit! i'm so
fuicking stupid! nobody likes me! woe is me!"
well, shut up, already. you're giving me a headache.
do something worthwhile for once!
just read the damned article and try your hardest to mold your
pathetic life out of it. live the article. breathe the article. be the
article, you stupid incompetent motherfucker!
i need to cut down on my sugar intake something fierce.
[-----]
hot sucks
=== =====
france big tits
lemons courtney love
being openly gay cool whip
tony bennett racism
chips french fries
chicken assault rifles
bullocks french toast
black francis everyone else
another lesson in life brought to you by your friend, black francis.
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: post-real history ::
:: submitted by; sweeney erect ::
:: transcription and very slight editing by; murmur ::
the history of the earth is not widely regarded to have become truly
interesting until humanity gave up the idea of reality altogether. to most
intelligent observers, it had been obvious for quite some time that what had
previously been regarder as "real" was rapidly becoming obsolete. on may
15, 1996, however, when a pack of hyper-intelligent wolverines invaded the
white house, mauled president clinton to death, and subsequently drafted
their own health care package, the world at last threw off its last
pretenses of logical reality. (the fact that clinton was still serving in
1996, which was previously believed to be a sign of armageddon, was thus
adequately explained as an early result of the collapsing reality.)
dan rather, while reporting the event, suddenly turned to the camera
and said, "alright you ignorant sons of bitches, here's the *real* story.
in roswell, new mexico, 1947, a ufo crashed. the aliens brought with them
the secrets of utopia. our government subsequently had them killed. in
retaliation, their home planet killed kennedy, popularized disco, and wrote
the screenplay to hudson hawk. oh, and nixon isn't really dead either.
the republicans are keeping him cryogenically frozen and they're gonna thaw
him out and run him for president."
several cia agents were dispatched to kill rather, but on their way
they were distracted by a pick-up basketball game.
the next morning, people around the world woke up to discover they
lived in duluth, minnesota, 1957. trent reznor, upon discovering his crew
cut and closet full of cardigan sweaters, proceeded to write 17 songs, all
of which turned out to be "blue suede shoes".
by mid-afternoon yasser arafat had decided that golda meier (who
turned out not to be dead but just a really sound sleeper) was really swell.
the two began to go steady and israel and her neighbors joined together,
renaming themselves "arnold's diner".
the wolverines' health care package passed, with an amendment
sponsored by strom thurmond which made "the freaks come out at night"
america's new national anthem.
somewhere in the california desert, scientists began to defrost
nixon's body.
early the next morning, einstein's brain, long thought missing,
turned up at a yard sale in southern montana. at the same yard sale joe
dimaggio's first yankee uniform, a completed manuscript of the mystery of
edwin drood and george wallace's wheelchair each sold for a quarter. the
family having the yard sale claimed to have no idea where the items came
from. each time they went into their garage, there was more stuff. by
early afternoon, when gerald ford was found sitting in the corner looking
confused, it became apparent that the garage was some sort of black hole for
semi-uselessartifacts. ford sold for a dime to a lovely family from western
north dakota.
that night the wolverine family finally relinquished control of the
white house. a large contingency of badgers tried to usurp power but were
chased away by a chainsaw-wielding tipper gore.
there was wide spread dancing in the streets when richard simmons
announced he had contracted the ebola virus.
arnold's diner declared war on jupiter. later in the day, at the
garage in montana, israel's elusive nuclear bomb materialized, as well as
nixon's secret plan for ending the vietnam war.
unfortunately, by early evening the joy caused by the simmons
announcement was replaced with pensive terror as richard nixon announced he
would once again seek the white house.
the next day was declared july 4, 1986, because 1) everyone wanted
to see fireworks and 2) nobody could distinctly remember being unhappy in
1986.
later that afternoon, at a picnic, snoop doggy dogg and vladimir
zhirinovsky were awarded nobel prizes for actuarial origami. zhirinovsky
proceeded to bitchslap snoop.
viking ships were spotted heading toward northeastern west south
carolina and panic broke out in fear this event might cause nixon to rise in
the polls. soon after, the viking ships were revealed to be a well
disguised flock of geese and excalibur materialized at the garage in
montana.
when the sun rose again there was great weeping and gnashing of
teeth, for nixon was leading in the polls. jesus materialized in the garage
in montana and launched a presidential campaign. unfortunately, the senate
republicans had the day declared good friday and a group of over-zealous
actors with a penchant for realism crucified him on tv. only x-files got
higher ratings.
when jesus got back to heaven, he was understandably rather pissed
off. by now it had become apparent that, indeed, richard milhous nixon
would be elected president. as punishment he turned his back on the world,
but not before granting richard simmons immortality.
a few years later, during nixon's second term, the big bang
materialized in the garage in montana. a few pennies and a shiny bottle cap
bought it for little timmy.
the end.
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: mor reely gud jokes! ::
:: submitted by; dead cheese ::
blond jokes
1) wut kind uv shooz do blonds ware? im not reely sure but i think thay
ware air jordans a lot becuz thay can jump reel gud.
2) thare wunce was a blond hoo livd in a big hows. she didnt cleen it or
anything so peepul calld her a dirtball. she didnt like that so like she
put a buket on her hed. then all the peepul calld her a buket-hed end
she got reely angry so she sed to all the peepul hay dont call me
buket-hed no more. but thay calld her buket-hed anyway becuz she stil
had a buket on her hed.
3) wut did the blond sey too the preest? she seyd im reely dum.
4) a broonett, a redhed, end a blond wer sitting at a bar. the bartender
seys too the redhed wut do yuo wunt too drenk? end the redhed seys i
wud like sum beer. so the bartender terns too the broonett end seys wut
do yuo wunt too drenk? end the broonett seys i wud like sum shampane.
then the bartender terns too the blond end seys wut do yuo wunt too
drenk? end the blond seys i dont no wut too drenk becuz im reely dum.
5) sum gye wuz in a soopermarket end wuz bying food but thar wuz a blond in
frunt of him so he seyd hay yuo dum blond moov owt of my way! the blond
ternd arownd end seyd shut up yuo puthetic idiut. so the gye seyd im
not dum. i no wut too plus too is. i bet yuo dont no that. so the
blond seyd yuor rite i dont becuz im reely dum.
[-----]
mor reely gud mom jokes
1) yuor moms so uglee she plays with dogs hoo eat pork chops.
2) yuor moms so stupid she seyd yuor dum to me but im not dum im smart.
3) yuor moms so fat she eets too much.
4) yuor moms so dum she has like a reely loe iq.
5) yuor moms so fat she got on a areplane end the stordess seyd hay yuo cant
get on heer becuz yuor reely fat.
[-----]
sum funee loyer jokes
1) why dont peepul like loyers? its becuz thay suck.
2) a loyer a preest end a rabey wer siting at a bar. the loyer seys hay im
a loyer and the preest seys yuo suck.
3) kweschun - wut did the loyer sey too the palitishen? anser - hay i suck.
4) a loyer, a senater, end a bum were standing at a bus stop. after a foo
minuts the bus pools up at the bus stop. ferst the bum gets on, seys
helo joe too the bus dryver end sits down. next the senater gets on,
seys helo joe too the bus dryver end sits down. than the loyer gets on
and seys helo joe too the bus dryver but the bus dryver seyd hey i wunt
yuo too get off my bus becuz yuo suck.
5) loyer: ware is my fat poodul?
poodul: i am heer.
loyer: cum too me fat poodul!
poodul: do yuo suck?
loyer: yes.
poodul: go uhway yuo suck.
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: _more_ t-file ripping? gasp! wheeze! choke! ::
:: as reported by; black francis ::
here is an excerpt from a t-file named "i'm a chick, you obviously
want me" by a miscreant named "crank" or something - released in june of
ninteen ninety-five;
this space for rent.
[-----]
now here's a clipping from pEz number two - released in december of
ninteen ninety-four;
this space for rent.
[-----]
this "crank" character is a horrible heathen who should be burnt at
the stake! die, witch, die!
now, i ask you - is anything sacred?
my trust in humanity has been shattered.
pardon me, but, i must wallow in my sadness. bye.
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: brick is red ::
:: by that beloved bastard; black francis ::
quick intro; black sunshine runs a shitty group named "tdkeb". black
sunshine calls my board. black sunshine is a stupid fucking art-fag poetry
chick who can't write for shit. 'nuff said.
[-----]
date: 1:21 pm sat may 20, 1995 number : 80 of 94
from: black sunshine base : private mail
to : black francis refer #: none
subj: ..... replies: none
stat: deleted origin : local
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>Ŀ
<20> file name <20> size <20> description 'zines [shitty groups] #44 <20>
<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
*tdkeb-3 .zip 171,081 issue thur-ey from 405 with viewer by mr. spock
***********this issue featuring:***************
major bbs wars: dci vs. vds
what women really want
thoughts on okc bombing
re-cap of party #2
plus
all the regulars like quiz, top-ten, advice, etc.
*******air raid you little freshman bitches******
yeah thanks... we love you too
[-----]
date: 2:36 pm Sat May 20, 1995 number : 84 of 94
from: black francis base : private mail
to : black sunshine refer #: none
subj: re: ..... replies: none
stat: normal origin : local
bs> Yeah thanks... we LOVE you too
hey; what i say goes around here - and i say that it sucks.
francis^cia
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: words of wisdom ::
:: compliments of; mogel ::
we can all learn a lot from gunbuster.
[-----]
: gunbuster has accepted your request to chat!
*** chat mode activated ***
type 'x' on a blank line to exit.
mogel> uh, do you masturbate?
gunbuster> of course
mogel> uhh.. how much do you masturbate? how often?
gunbuster> too often
mogel> like, gimme an idea.. c'mon.. why not?
gunbuster> uhh... I don't really keep count
mogel> liar. is it per day?
gunbuster> uhhh... more than once per day
mogel> wow. how do you do that?
gunbuster> great enduarnace and porno texts
============================================================================
============================================================================
:: last goodbye ::
:: sobbed by; black francis ::
haha. i put so little into this issue it's almost laughable, and,
you know what? it felt fantastic. it's great being unmotivated sometimes.
you know what else? i'm not even motivated enough to write this
article.
so; goodnight, and i hope you die real soon!
i'm sure i'll be sorely missed.
============================================================================
============================================================================
)_) pEZ iZ iN dA hOUSE! wERD 'eM uP! (_(
((______/ ..\ pHOR tHE lATEST pHAT-aZZ pEZ pHILEZ, kALL /.. \______))
| /--( gOAT bLOWERZ aNONYMOUZ @ (215)750-0392 )--\ |
|||---||| "aDMITTING yOU hAVE a pROBLEM iS tHE fIRST |||---|||
M M M M sTEP tO rECOVERY." M M M M
============================================================================
============================================================================
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