textfiles/magazines/PAB/pab4.txt

POET AND ERNIE'S POST-ANAL SHIT'OUSE
VOL 1, ISSUE 4.

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Written, and inspired by..
PeeWee Lee (he used to be tiny, now he's HUGE in Finland!)
D.L. (He used to be HUGE, now he's just marginally less HUGE)
Svven Spangler.(Always been HUGE!)
Crtchy.(Used to be slightly HUGE now a lot less HUGE!)
Scary Towell.(Never been HUGE!)
Yoshi Tateishi(Has a HUGE heart but small body, also famous for being the
only female to ever write for P&B, which as a feat in itself is HUGE!)

Regular guest star and HUGELY propper author...
Ben Ohmart.

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Hello Kidies!!!!!!
Well, since last issue nothing interesting has happened. The web page is
STILL in production, hope to be up THIS month but you know how it is.
.NET article/mention in MARCH's issue NOT January's as I mentioned last
month.
Interview in ZONE E-Zine happened and was swelligant.
Issue 3.5 went on AlT.ZiNes and was HUGELY offensive and we do NOT regret
it one bit. If you didn't see it then check the home page when it's up it
was a bit special (we think).
I lost my job and was pushed to finish this issue on time. Anybody want to
give me another job then E me and I'll work for you. You bring in a fucking
tank I'll sell the fucking thing, I'm good. I'll straighten shit out over
there.

.....Anyway, let's get stupid.

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Article one: The fine line between bad taste and wanton lust.

CELEBRITY OPERATIONS
Everyone has heard about Lee Marvins hearnia operation but Celebrity
operations were a taboo subject, until now that is. With this new column we
let the sTARs talk, candidly, about their operations.

CHER: I think the most insidious operation that was performed on me was
whilst I was on holiday in Africa. I was visiting a very small village
north of Java when the chief of the tribe approached me and began babbling
away in foriegn tongue. Naturally I was left traumatised, it's not easy
having an unknown language being spoken to you so fluently. Luckily, for
me, our tour guide M'Binki translated the Chiefs message to me,it was more
of an invitation, an invitation to be part of the tribes special godly
ceremony. Of course I jumped at the chance! In hindsight this may have been
rather rash of me. Flanked by several of the tribes warriors I was led into
a mysterious mud hut where a rather tall tribesman stood, menacingly
banging two sharpened stones togather and screaming chants towards the
onlookers. They gently lay me down on a bed of leaves and forcefully
removed my engorged clitoris with the sharpened stones. Previously I had
only heard of clitoral cirumsicion in hushed tones of reverence but to
experience the pure, unbridled, unanesthetised, agony of a full clitoral
circumsicion for myself was perhaps a defining moment in my life, and I
don't mean that in a good way. Later they presented my, ceremoniously, with
my still blood stained clit which I keep in my purse at all times to remind
me of a mysterious, ancient, ritual far far away.

MICHEAL J FOX: The worst operation I have had occured during the filming of
my hit movie Teen Wolf. I was on the set of Teen Wolf and we were shooting
an exterior scene where I had to stand near to a passing automobile, all
was going well when disaster struck! A small, but very sharp, piece of
glass must have got lodged within the tyre of the car and then dislodged
itself with unprecedented force, sending the glass hurtling towards my
hair. I suffered a nasty cut above my left eye, the doctor at the studio
checked it out and tld me to go straight to the nearest hospital where I
was administered a total of five stitches. But the agony didn't end there!
3 weeks later I was made to return to the same hospital where a reverse
operation was performed to remove said stitches from my head. I'm not
scared of hospitals but my time their during the making of Teen Wolf was
perhaps the most unpleasent time of my life I just hope I never need
another operation again.

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Article two: Epileptic obecity in the UK. Glutony, Sloth, both, or neither.

COMPETITION TIME!!!

No, It's REALLY iS!

So, you ask yourself, what's in it for me. Well, we think the prizes are
supercool and we should know because we just should. Prizes include....

Original copies of 'Lucky Bag' fanzine (the precursor to P&B)
Original cut-n-paste pages from the unreleased issue 3 of 'Lucky bag'
A full set of uncut and uncensored issues of 'P&B' including various edited
segments and other stupidity. Printed in glorious monochrome.
A copy of the original 'Pete and Bernie' tape as transcribed in issue 2 of
'p&b' + the legendary 'Lucky bag' theme and excerpts from a tape DL made
when he was tripping which has to be heard to be believed.
+ a whole lot more other stuff which we haven't even thought of yet but
it's sure to be doe!

So, what do you have to do to win these goodies?
Simple....
Complete the following sentence in less than 20 words.

Pete and Bernies philosophical steakhouse is shit, because............

As we are not even expecting one single entry to this genuine competition
you stand a fair chance of winning simply by entering! Just send your
completed sentence in an E-Mail to our new address (see elsewhere) with the
subject 'PAB comp' and your snail mail address and you could be getting
more p&b goods than you can shake your phalus at.
ENTER TODAY!!!

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Article three:

CELEBITY FACTS: This month it's Boon star Anthony Quinn.

1) anthony Quin has a pet Rabiit called Flopsy. Occasionally when Anthony
is out of the country Flopsy and Tony exchange souls with the aid of a
mysterious force known only to scietists as 'IT'. (level 23)

2) Anthony Quinn Loves the smell of apples and occasionally uses 'Apple
scented' Shake and Vac when doing the hoovering. (level 17)

3) Anthony Quinn was not only the understudy to John Hurt in the touring
company of 'Annie' but was also believed to be the man who shot Liberty
Vallence, Liberty DeVito, Danny DeVito, and Daniel Day Lewises left foot.
Unfortunately Anthony missed Mr. Lewises right foot, by approximately 2
inches apparently. (level 37)

4) Anthony Quinn grins at mice in a sinister manner and then phones his mum
and coughs loudly. (level 42)

5) Anthony Quinn is in fact the duke of Earl, 7th in line to the throne of
Greece. (level 25)

6) Although Anthony Quinn is Jewish in appearance he is, biologically,
bovine. (level 40)

7) Anthony Quinn believes himself to be related to all members and ex-
members of rock band Van Halen and recently sued Proffesor Plum, of Cluedo
fame, for attempting to prove otherwise. (level 46)

8) Anthony Quinn's first acting job was as a tiny red clam on the front of
a packet of 'Birdseyes fish fingers',although it was only a minor job it
won him the part of 'Rocco' in 'Cagney and Lacey' the role which was played
on stage by Elton Johns nephew Greg (who is incidently 6th in line to the
throne of Greece, only being beaten by Jimmy Crankie and his 5 identical
clones known in the only as 'The Jackson five') (level 56)

9) Anthony Quinn is only 3ft 5inches tall and uses an elaborate series of
mirrors and pulleys to make himself appear a lot taller, arounf 9ft 3inches
to be precise. (level 20) 

10) Anthony Quinn, brother of Steven Quinn, was sentenced to death at the
tender age of twenty. Hunted like an animal for a crime he did not commit.
(level 27)

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Article four: 

Children, how do you keep them in order? Are they mere tearaway scamps or
are they something far more sinister? In his latest book 'Therepy begins at
home' Dr Keith Thisstlewaite, eminent proffesor and bombiver, looks at the
many means of keeping your children in order, in the 90's.
---------------------------------------------------------------
(Exclusive extracts from 'Therepy begins at home', published by Faber and
Faber, <20>19.95, available in shops now)

Imagine you are walking through Sainsbury's. A well known and much beloved
supermarket to some, a haven of child-tempting hell to others. Your child,
who we will call Kevin from now on, reaches playfully towards a large pile
of sugar coated confectionary and pulls a neatly wrapped tube from the top
proclaiming 'Mummy! I want this confectionary', what do you do? What can
you do? For years now mothers throughout the world have simply said 'No' or
maybe  given in to their childs sinister cravings for sweet but much of the
evidence I have got leads me to believe that neither of these methods are
correct. Let's look at some alternatives...

AVERSION THEREPY
When your child begs you for confectionary, or maybe toy, simply pick up
the object of your childs desire and strike him/her repeatedly about the
face with this object. You can do this in a supermarket, by the fire, in a
car, or even in a van. Your child will soon learn that the particular item
he/she craves equates directly to pain. It's not only toys or sweets that
you can use this method with though. A major problem with young children
today is a tendency, a whim dare I say, to indulge in fragrent and intense
listening of to the music of pop. Such bands as 'The Rollings stones' 'The
Kinks' or 'Pickety witch' could all prove a problem, a problem which must
be stopped. If your child is being influenced by the pop of,say, the band
'ELO' then simply unfold a poster of said band, sit child in chair in front
of the poster (making sure all exists are covered), play there latest LP
for about 3 hours to him and then simply roll up ELO poster and force it
firmly, yet gently, into his/her's anal passage making full use of double-
flange procedures. You will find that within one or two days your childs
unbridled passion for ELO and all their off-shoot projects will have
vanished.

It is simple to just avoid your children for days, or even months, at a
time but this accomplishes nothing. Surely it is better to rid the child of
all satanic whims now instead of letting him grow up to be a man.

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Article five: 

And now for this months short short from Mr. Ohmart.

The Fuck Heard Round the World
by ben ohmart

I think the largest problem between Crysti and me was that her dick was
bigger than mine. It was what you could call meaty, thick, juicy I wouldn't
know about, made me feel a real whimp in those private moments, and, I
admit, she couldn't help herself. Born that way, when I'd get her excited,
it was natural she'd have that erection to show me. Still. How many
girlfriends end up running off with the man's mistress? It was just totally
humiliating, and that's why I just had to come there.
I'd seen the ads while I was eating dinner. They promised you strong
emotional support. A lot of circus people here, and boyfriends of hookers,
and guys that either couldn't get it up or couldn't keep it down, and
basically I picked right cause everything had to do with sex. They
encouraged nudity and free fucking and once when I was unwinding beneath a
dying tree this guy came up behind me and asked me if I wouldn't shove the
stem of the banjo he was carrying up his ass but we still became friends.
For the ones with strong emotional problems, after three months still here
they prescribed one fuck a night for you, which was probably why most of
the patients were years into their treatment. But of course for a special
case like me I didn't have to wait that long.
"Tell us about your fears of hermaphrodites?" the female doc asked me
alone. She had the tits you'd want to be carved into a Presidential
mountain, and always ran our sessions in those wonderful '70s shorts that
they just don't unfortunately make today.
So three days after I confessed my brain sins, she'd start coming in at
night and laying her hands in places that honestly just felt hot. She'd get
on top and be halfway to her crisis, as D.H. Lawrence calls it, before I'd
be completely awake to enjoy the shouts. Which was fine in the long run
because then I could enjoy myself, take my time, or my suddenness without
guilt. Of course the worse part was every time after she'd force us to stay
the night watching The Crying Game twice a night while she stared at me to
monitor my reactions. After two weeks, it wasn't the staring that bugged
me, just this repetition of plot that made me ache for a USA movie. 
I released myself from the institute a week ago, the insurance wouldn't do
the deductible thing anymore so I didn't have a choice, and I met this, I
hoped, girl in a swingset club called The Two Seater, chains and plastic
seats all around, and we got to talking about various bird and plant life
that naturally seemed to lead into her showing me pictures of her brothers.
In fact, she talked a fuck load about her brothers, and a tongue, after I'd
asked her out to Chucky Cheese, the pizza place, was the only thing that
forced her to shut it.
After that, we began to hang out at the local gay bars and make fun of the
lettering they used on their outside menus, then we'd move on to closed
travel agencies where we'd make lettered love hearts in the Norway posters.
A week into things, we bribed a theater manager to let us in on the day he
wasn't showing the foreign film festival so we could just look at the
screen. It was a beautiful theater. Went back to my place, then she wanted
to fuck. She called her brothers up, and they all came over to watch. This
was the part I hated. The room was a mess, and I told her after they shook
my hand and left that "My last girl left me for another girl." 
She grabbed my forearm and licked it in a way that I knew meant compassion.
I could tell that she felt for me, but more importantly that she felt me
and felt me deep, and that was when I undid her cunny cork again and began
the long hard fondle. She picked up the phone and was about to call the
boys. But I wasn't having any of it. I was going to straighten things up
first. 

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Article Six:

Pissing off McDonalds staff Part one-The Dr. wong scam...

U is you and Mc is the McDonalds staff, run that shit a little somin' like
this, it worked when I last tried it in this exact fashion.

Mc: Can I help?

U: Do you have sausage?

Mc: (confused) We haves sausages in the breakfast menu.

U: (getting agrevated) NO...have you sausage?

Mc: No.

U: Ok then, can we run this in two stages...stage one my order is as
folows... Quarter pounder with cheese, large fries, Coke, chocolate
Donut...

Mc: (typing in order) Right

U: Now I need you to help me out a little. See, I'm under strict orders
from Dr. Wong that I have to stick to 3000 calories a day and/or 30 grams
o' fat so can you tell me how many calories, in total, said meal will come
to?

Mc: I'm affraid I can't help there.

U: well, I know the weight of a quarter pounder but can you tell me the
aproximate weight of the large fry ellement of the order? Maybe I can work
it out myself.

Mc: I'm affraid I really cant help.

U: I can give you Dr. Wong's number if you'd like.

Mc: I'm onyl doing my job sir.

U: (walking out of McD's shouting) Dr. Wong's gonna fucking hear about
this!!!

etc.....

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Article seven:

20 WAYS TO THRILL IN THE BIG CHILL.

Yes, folks, it's cold outside-but you can get red hot with a round of the
steamiest winter sport of all.
Cosy clinches, scorching tosses, and the hottest of wanks are the aims of
this game.
You might feel that the present weather has put the freeze on such frolics.
In winter our bodies take longer to reach the heat of desire beacuase lack
of plancton slows down the masterbatory urge.
But there's no need to let winter's dark days dampen desire! Here are 20
hot tips for keeping love on the boil:

1) Don't wait up for the late movie, News at Ten, or your usual bedtime.
Dive under the covers as soon as you've washed the dishes and work off your
evening meal with a wild nights whacking off.  (hot tip: the World's number
one 'whack-off' mag 'High society' should have you spilling your load all
night)

2) Make sure your bedroom is the houses hotspot. Keep the door shut to
close in warmth and turn it into a wank den. Velvet curtain, softpile rugs,
dim lights, raunchy or romantic posters, the latest wankbuster book and
moody music all help in creatic the erotic atmosphere required for a decent
toss.

3) A fumble in the hottub is an ideal way to get temperatures soaring. Soap
your balls up to a lather of excitement, then flap yourself dry with warm
towels before tumbling between the sheets- already heated by an electric
blanket.

4) Just because you have to wear half your wardrobe to brave the elements
doesn't mean you can't be dressed to thrillunderneath. Your sauciest undies
will be even more stained when you peel off your bulky winter woolies.

5) Bring out the best in your hand with a fake fur bedspread to rouse your
animal passion. The feel of fur on bare nipples is enough to make most
people go wild as wankmonkeys.

6) Tossing by the fireside is a great winter warmer. Pile suchions, rugs,
and quilts by the hearth and wrap your fist around your meat in the golden
light of the flames.

7) Give your genetals an all over massage with body oil scented with
pungent aromas of mango, coconut, passionflower, hibiscus, or frangipani.

8) A candlelit bedroom makes the air seem more balmy anf lights up
pornography with a sensuous gold glow.

9) Cold feet kill passion- you should slide ito bed wearing nothing but
black stockings. You should also take of your trousers and heat your nuts
on a radiator for a few moments.

10) Play bash-the-bishop in a bowl of hot water to take the chill off your
nads  and produce clean, sweet balls just ready to be pulled and yanked.

11) Take the chill off massage oil and baby lotion by standing the bottle
in a bowl of hot water. And warm your hands in hot water before running
them sensuously over your clinkers.

12) A hot drink at bedtime will do more to make your vinegar surge than
alcohol, which actually reduces blood temperature.  But combine both for a
treat. A dash of brine or brandy in your coffee or cocoa will warm the
parts other drinks can't.

13) Fan the flames of passion by placing a scented candle or stick of
incense as far up your arse as you can without causing internal bleeding.

14) Satin sheets and crisp cottons are wonderful but not half so comforting
on chilly nights as flanelette sheets and pillowcases which also wash up a
treat.

15) Watch porno movies from bed or from under the duvet on the living room
sofa. Try really hard videos which will tantalise you with new and wicked
touches to try to visualise when you wank.

16) Put on your smoochiest record and dance in the dark, wearing nothing
but your dressing-gown and a cravat. You'll soon be pulling yourself off in
time to the music.

17) Thrill to a weekend wankathon or just an all-night toss session by
setting up videos, music, cold drinks in ice buckets, hot drinks in ice
buckets, love nibbles to eat in bed and staying under the covers as long as
you can keep up the hard work.

18) When you've steamed up the bathroom with your wank games, write raunchy
messages with your dick on the mirror.

19) Dark, rich colours abd luxurious textures make rooms seem warm and
sensuous. Velvet curtains abd cushionsm fur rugs, brass lamps and
candlesticks, polished wood all look and feel luxurious. Rosy wine and plum
colours, chocolate, gingerm gold and tangerine are all warm to the eye-
worth remembering when you decorate your wank nest.

20) Imagine you're somewhere where the sun beats down and the natvies are
hot-blooded. Fiery flemenco music, jungle drums or steel bands on the
stereo will help hot up your pud-pulling.

WOULD YOU DARE IN THE OPEN AIR?
Even in the depths of winter, some wankers will get the urge for an al
fresco toss. Here's how to reach the peaks of ecstacy without getting
frostbite on your todger.

*Put your hand in your pockets when your out and warm your fingers on your
dick.
*Surprise your comunity by going out wearing nothing but your smallest,
silkiest undies and thigh high boots under a big fake Leaopard skin coat.
* Warm up with a snowball fight or a run around the park. When you've
romped until you're breathless, you'll just want to fall to the floor with
your dick gripped firmly in your hand.
* Find as much shelter as you can-garder sheds, barns, bus shelters,behind
fences and hedges are possible places. And there is always the back of the
car.
* Forget doing a strip-freeze-only take off your trousers as much as you
need, to get at your cock.
* Keep a rug or groundsheet in your car so you wont end up thrashing about
in a mudbath-unless you're into mudbath wanking.
* A sleeping bag will keep you snug, and conceal whay you're up to.
* A tent is even more private-specially if it's in your own backyard.
Perfect for those who might want to sprint indoors and wash their hands.

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Article Eight: 
Not only are we shit at E-Zine things but we're also shit at everything
else. We have great ideas about movie making and have come up with some
neat movie ideas but as we have no money and nor does anyone one else we
know or are ever likely to know they never get started. Here are some of
the best....

BODGETT AND HOGG.
Jim Bodgett is a policeman and he's just starting a new case when the chief
introduces him to his new partner...a pig! With an idea like that the
script will write itself. Rated PG.

TERROR IN THE WOODS.
There is a fine line between extreme gore and hard core pornography and
this movie crosses that line. A gang of teenagers are camping in the woods
and havign sex a lot, little do they know that they are being watched by a
mad axe-man. With an idea like that the script will write itself. Rated 18.

TEEN-WOLF 3.
Michael J. Fox returns as half-man half-wolfman man.This time he has a job
in a major pharmecutical company, but all goes hilariously wrong when his
boss finds out the truth about him being half-man half-wolfman man. With an
idea like that the script will write itself. Rated PG.

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Article nine:

TEENAGE AMERICAN MALES-A GUIDE
We know ALL about Teenage Amaerican Males. How? Simple, through years of
studying Teen-Exploitation movies we have drawn together the following
charectaristics...

1) THEY ARE PRANKSTERS- Teenage American Males like nothing more than
pulling pranks on people, ussually involving Toilets or Swimming pools.

2) THEY SPY- They like nothing more than to spy on girls in school showers
or changing rooms, ussually through a little hole but sometimes through the
ceiling, floor, or round a door.

3) THEY BORROW THIER DAD'S CAR- They borrow Dad's car, against hs wishes,
and 9 out of 10 times they either crash it or get in trouble with the
police.

4) THEY HAVE POWERS OF INVISIBILITY- When looking through a girls bedroom
window when she's getting undressed they become invisible to the girl in
the bedroom. She will only notice their existance when they fall down from
the roof and land in the garden below at which point she will open the
window and scream.

5) THEY CAN'T BUY BEER- Most of thier adolescence is spent attempting to
buy beer in a small corner shop. There are two methods to this. The first
is by making a very bad 'fake ID' (which invariably fails) the second is by
paying a passing stranger to go and buy the beer for them, the stranger
will always run away with thier money though leaving Brad 'beer-free'.

6) DWEEBS/JOCKS- there are only 2 classes of American Teenage male, the
Dweeb and the Jock. The Dweeb is unatractive to girls yet permanently horny
and wears glasses. The Jock is a football player named 'Tad' who is very
attractive to all girls and is ussually a nucklehead who beats up the
Dweebs.

7) THEY GRADUATE-No matter how much fucking about they do, or how much
gravel they dump into the swimming pool they will NEVER be kicked out of
school and will ALL graduate. Graduation invloves wearng a morter board,
pulling a prank on the 'dean' (who doesn't mind because it's graduation)
and then the film ends on a freeze-frame.
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Article ten:
More from that old P&B tape as detailed a few issues ago. This is VERY
offensive as it deals with taboo sunjects like Sex with dead celebrities
and stuff so don't read it if you've never read this zine afore and think
it'll make you cry.

P&B-The tape-Part two...

Pete: I tell you who I would like to shower.

Bernie: Who's that?

Pete: Give her the old white, salty, shower. Whitney Houston.

Bernie: Why?

Pete: If she was, like, lying corpse like, with her hands folded over her
chest covering her nipples.

Bernie: What if she was really dead?

Pete: Well, no, that's what I'm thinking, she is dead. She's lying in a
nice coffin in a church. All the grandiose structures. And she's lying in
her coffin, naked as I hoped she would be. Or would be by the time I'd
stripped her. She's in the church over night and they're all coming in for
the funeral in the morning but she's there with the top off her coffin
because I prised it open. She's died young, maybe next week when I go over
and kill her. So I'm right up in the rafters and I've got phantom of the
opera like little glasses, like you use at the opera, I've glued them to my
eyes, right underneath my eyebrows so It's already on there, my little
monacle. So I'm looking down from the rafters and I have a rope ready. Ad
I'm shouting 'Fuckin hell Whitney, you look good' and I'm wanking and
looking at her lying there nice and peacful. So I got this rope and I've
got my nob out and I'm nobbing and looking at her naked fanny and then I'd
swing at the height of excitement the distance of the cathedral towards her
corpse and I'd be wanking, and at the crescent of my parabola I'd let go of
the rope, knocking her hands free of her breasts, and her coffin would fall
on the floor and we'd all fall down and I'd come everywhere, all over her
arse. It would take hours to get things back the way they were because the
body would be quite disheveled.

Bernie: This is quite an elaborate fantasy.

Pete: I've thought it all out. You can't take to much care over these sorts
of things. Have you had any fantasies on a par with that?

Bernie:  About Whitney Houston?

Pete: Preferably about Whitney Houston, but about anybody really.

Bernie: Whitney Huston. Just say next week she dies because her lungs
collapse.

Pete:  Is she going to be in a church over night?

Bernie: No she just dies and she's in a hospital. And I'm by the side of
her bed and I'm saying 'Dont' die Whitney' and she looks up at me, and then
she dies. And I look around...

Pete:  And you've disable the alarms so that when her heart stops no-one
comes rushing in.

Bernie: That doesn't really matter because the rythm of my cock being
shoved into her trachiotemy hole makes it seems like her hearts pumping.
I'm injecting salty white  jizm straight down her throat and into her
stomach.

Pete:  You CUNT.  I mean my fantasy was a little off the beaten track but
yours is just sick.

Bernie: I think Whitney Houston would look good as a retard.

Pete: What, with those high cheekbones and that?

Bernie:  Yeh. Like a down syndrome kids. I like mongoloid girls, I think
they're cute.

Pete: How many do you want? I got them  ten a penny, I'm knocking them out
cheap, how many do you want. They do butt-love. My Mongoloid girls do the
best butt-love in the world. Five of them in a row. You won't get much
emotion out of them , they don't know what they're doing, but if you want a
warm place to come then you can't beat them.

Bernie:  Well, it's worth thinking about.

Pete: So what was it like the first time you shot-a-bolt?

Bernie: Scary.

Pete: Yeh, I know. Teachers in school don't tell you anything about it.
They say to the boys' you're going to ejaculate, it'll be a beautiful
thing' and they say to the girls 'you're going to have a period, it'll be a
beautiful thing' but it's not like that at all.

Bernie: I know but the fnny thing is that the first time I came I woke up
in the morning and I'd actually had a period! There was blood all up and
down, but it was nice.

Pete: Did you feel you had blossomed? Did you feel you had taken your first
faltering steps towards womanhood?

Bernie: Yeh. When I went to bed the previous night I was a girl, and when I
woke up I was a woman. I was descending the stairs like Helen Ready, I was
singing 'I AM woman!' which worried my parents because, pathologically, I'm
a man.

Pete:  Did your mum go down the shops with you and buy you you're first
training bra and you're first lillets.

Bernie: She took me to the shops and said 'I'm going to buy you a little
present, keep it in a special place' and she bought my  the Frankie Valli
single of the theme from 'Grease', she also bought me a little packet of
Tampons. In the old days they didn't used to be shaped like scud missiles
they used to be very harsh.

Pete: Like shoving an over glove up there.

Bernie: Yeh, it was sickening. I used to have yards of stringy blood
hanging from my withered fingers after applying the tampons, because there
were no such things as applicators in those days. The best I could do was
get a couple of yards of tubing, then fill my mouth full of cotton wool,
chew it up, stick one end of tubing up your front-bottom and the other in
your mouth and then blow the cotton-wool right up.

Pete:  In the old days I used to have to take off my wooly hat and stick it
up there. When you're bleeding profusely there's nothing you won't used to
plug it up. Anything, your socks, shoes, reletives, books, CD's, cars.
After 2 or 3 months of constant, heavy, bleeding you run out of things to
mop it up with. It's not fun.

Bernie:  Sometimes it is.

Pete: But I was definitely scared when I had my first orgasm.

Bernie:  I was scared when you had your first orgasm too.

Pete:  I woke in the morning covered in white, sticky, goo. I think it was
come.

Bernie: It was, but it wasn't yours.

Pete: Who's was it?

Bernie: I cant say.

Pete: What would you do if you had a corpse under your bed?

Bernie:  Depends who's corpse it was.

Pete:  Lets just say you woke up one Saturday morning, so you had plenty of
free time, and you glace under the bed and who's corpse should be there but
John Lydon (Ex-sex pistol), naked as the day he was born, and he's cleaned
up all nice and not drugged up but he's dead but still warm and not stiff.
And next to him, holding hands like something funny had happened the night
before was Louise from Eternal and they're both dead.

Bernie:  What I would do is drag Louise out from under the bed and sit her
against the wall and then I'd drag Johnny out, would he be posable?

Pete: Yeh, he's like a bendy toy.

Bernie:  I'd bend him so he was flicking the V's like a punk and then I'd
glue carpet to his head so it looked like a mohican and then I'd
photography him and make a postcard out of it and sell it in London. As for
Louise, I think I'd have brutal, wicked, violent sex with.

Pete: Even though she was dead?

Bernie: Yeh, if it's still warm it's OK.

Pete: With Johnny looking on?

Bernie:  Yeh, I'd sit Johnny in a chair with his hand on his chin, looking
thoughtful, and then I'd give Louise a smile, put a red nose on her, a
stripey hat, paint her like a clown and do her.

Pete:  What I'd do is I'd get a big pole and surgically stitch the backs of
their necks to each end of the pole, dress them up nice, and put it over my
shoulders and walk down the street with them talking to them and have a
laugh.

Bernie: Parade them around a bit.

Pete: That's right. Show them a good time, that's where I'm a romantic, I'm
not like you straight in there with the sex Id show them a good time, spend
some money and then take them back home. When I got home I'd spin arond
quick and send Johnny off to the kitchen to go and make some coffee.
I'd put my arm around her shoulder and take Louise upstairs and show her my
books. Then I'd lean over and gently kiss her and then I'd pull down her
trousers and ram her legs over my shoulders and stick The Big Dick in her
and then Johnny would walk in with the coffee and he'd be dead so he'd fall
over and land, draped around my shoulders whilst I was giving her The Big
Dick and then he'd get a Big Dick and my bottom would be sore and we'd
orgasm at the same time and then she'd wake up 'cos she wasn't dead and
she'd threaten to ring the police and I'd threaten her not to tell lies.

THE END!!!!!!

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Article eleven: A rabbii staring boldly at a painting of a cat.

Measurements..
Here are some handy measurements for you to keep with you at all times.

Item            Height

Your sink       1ft
Your Brother    2ft3in
That Tree       3ft
A Bath          1.5ft

Item            Width

Your mum        1ft
A car           2.5.ft
That hand       0.5ft

Hope you find this helpful, and informative.
Best wishes,
Svven.


(level 99)


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Article Twelve: Hamster nipple. Fun aroma or pungent stench? Discuss.

So, that's all there is. It may seem smaller than previous issues but I've
been pretty busy looking for a job and getting a bunch of other things
sorted, anyway it's Quality not Quantity.
If you want to write an article (and I don't expect you to because nobody
ever does) then send it in and we'll put it in the next issue, go on
surprise me and write something, I know there are plenty of you who can.
Things to watch out for in the coming month....
        .NET magazine MAY have mention and article in the next issue but
might not. Keep a look out in case.
        The Web Page WILL be up this month (ETA next week) so I'll probably
mail out to everyone when it is.

That's about it.
LateR:-)
D.L

Write to P&B at... DL@CATES.DEMON.CO.UK
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