395 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
395 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
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ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ
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ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ Ú ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
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ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄÄ ÚÄÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ
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ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ
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ÕÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸
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³ 10/30/94 ÄÄÄ Issue #1 ³
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ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ;
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Huh?
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Oh good, a new zine. Fuck me you say? Well, ok... it's not
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new but it's a hell of a lot better than that other one I
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started. Keep reading to find out what's the deal.
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The Deal
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For the first issue we're going to reprint a couple of files
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from an old e-zine that didn't work out too good because I
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lost interest in it. I thought there was a lot of good text
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in that other one so it should be given a chance to be read.
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After this, all other issues of Twister will be all new shit
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so go ahead and read, but keep an open mind or none of this
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will make sense.
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Nope, there's not point we're trying to make, it's just lots of
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good thoughts and humor, ok. So if none of this makes since
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or stories seem out of place or contradictory, that's the fun
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part.
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For good measure we will ocationally throw in a bomb plan or
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two for ya to keep busy with. These arn't gonna be reprints
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from some anarchy mag. Everything here is completely origainal
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because I'm getting sick of seeing the exact same plans in 5
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differnt text files . . .
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Might as well get started sicne I'm not very good at writing
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these intro things.
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’‡<E28099>d Reign (as'id r„n)
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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-- Index Thingy --
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-- Barney's Rampage by Dread Head, I'm not even going
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to try to explain this one.
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-- Step by step plans to build a chlorine compression
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bomb... loads of fun!
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-- `Mickey and the Man of Steel'. A story from the
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editor of the new e-zine 'Caffine'
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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==== Q U O T E S ====
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Trent Reznor (1990)
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(nine inch nails)
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The thing that really pisses me off is when someone has some
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elaborate interpretation of what I'm trying to say in one song,
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or just reading too much about it, and getting it all wrong.
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Dread Head (1994)
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(Twister)
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Let me ask you something, why are these things called 'joysticks'?
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There's not really that much joy involved.
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Chirs Barron (1994)
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(Spin Doctors)
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Pot kinda takes the lid off things, and you never know what's under
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that lid.
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=====================
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Barney's Rampage
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by Dread Head
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Barney the dinosaur started getting ready for his next show. After
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his regular before showtime shoot-up with heroine, he sat in his
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black leather recliner and just mellowed out. He then realized that
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he was out of Kleenex. Blackness surrounded him as a deafening roar
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of "NNNOOOOOOO!!!!" echoed throughout the studio.
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A stage hand then rode in on a small sleigh pulled by about 25 gophers.
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"Whats a matter Barney? What is it? What the fuck is wrong, huh?!
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What!!? WHAATT!!??? HUH? Speak up!! What is a matter!!?? WHAT??!!"
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A teary-eyed Barney lifted his head from his hands, and softly
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spoke, "I-I'm o-out of k-k-kleenex."
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"Oh my sweet mother of mercy, not again! Those damn dressing room
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people will rot in hell for this! But don't worry, we'll get you a
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generic brand of kleenex from the supermarket."
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Barneys eyes changed to a dark red color and he bellowed, "No, YOU
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and your precious gophers will pay for this travesty."
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"Please god no!," the stage hand screamed, "I worship Barney, Barney
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is God!! My goghers do not deserve this unjustice. Just mutilate
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me, Just me!!
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By now the stage hand was on his knees, tears streaming down his
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distorted face. The gophers looked at each other, very puzzled by
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what was happening. Some of them feared Barney, Some of them
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respected him, but most of them just took a little gopher dump right
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where they stood.
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Barney stood up and peeled off his House Of Pain t-shirt revealing
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his rippling muscles. He skipped over to where the stage hand was
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kneeling and picked him up by his upper lip. An evil purple
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dinosaur smile spread across his face as he proceded to drag the
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stage hand over to the leather recliner. Barney then went to his
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secret combination safe that was hidden behind a picture of Pebbles
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Flintstone. He opened the safe. It contained a bottle of mustard,
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assorted rocks, a nude pin-up of Barbara Bush, a New Kids on the
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Block cd, a nude pin-up of Rush Limbaugh, and duct tape. He picked
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up the duct tape but realized to his horror that it had been sabotaged.
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He tried to jump away, but it was to late. The duct tape exploded
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sending most of Barneys right arm across the room.
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The Gophers then broke into song:
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Barney's lost his charm,
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Now he can cause no harm.
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We goghers planted a bomb,
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And now he has no arm.
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"It was you DAMN gophers, ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!" screamed an enraged Barney.
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He ran toward the little rodents ranting and raving like a lunatic. But
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halfway there he slipped in some Gopher poo-poo. He flipped around and
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fell head first on the hard concrete with a crunch.
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The Gophers then went on to take over the Barney show and made millions
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in the process. The stage hand then took over the job of dealing the
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heroine to the drugged-up Gophers.
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DREAD HEAD
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-----------------------------
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- = Chlorine Compression Bomb = -
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Created by much experimentation from Cannabis,
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’‡<E28099>d Reign, and Feedback
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The chlorine compression bomb is a dangerous, yet hysterical
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way to get back at people that say... joked on your abnormally
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large nose when you were a child. When we designed the bomb
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it wasn't meant to be of the type that throws shrapnel (the
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operative word here is 'meant') but it may be adapted in many
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different ways to suit you needs. The purpose is to either
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suffocate or scare the hell out of the victim... the effect
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is determined by its size.
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Equipment List . . .
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1 Film Canister -- 35mm
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1 Piece of Chlorine -- the size of a small rock.
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1 Roll of Tape -- double sided works best.
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3 Ounces of Turpentine -- umm... paint thinner doesn't work
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(See the end of the document for a list of where to get this shit)
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Creation . . .
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1) Fill the film canister 1/4 the way full of turpentine.
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2) Cut a piece of the tape about 4 x 2 inches.
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3) Place the small piece of chlorine on the tape and
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fold it over so that chlorine is exposed on both sides
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but not the top or bottom.
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4) Connect the tape to the rim of the film canister so
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that the chlorine is hanging just above the turpentine.
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5) Put the lid on the film canister (if it won't go on
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tight because of the tape don't worry).
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6) Now VERY Tightly, wrap lots of tape around the canister
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until there is about 1/2 in. of tape on all sides.
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Using it . . .
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1) a. Pay back -- Throw it, works best inside a car or room.
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b. If you really hate 'em -- shake and throw.
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c. If you don't want to be around when it goes off -- make a
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sticker with very small writing on it. Put the sticker
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on the canister upside-down. The victim will turn the
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canister over and put close to his face to read the
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text . . . then, boom.
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2) Deny everything.
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Tips . . .
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-- Never store a compression bomb. (Unless it's in the victim's house)
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-- Causes cancer so don't practice on your friends.
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Where to get the shit to build it with?...
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Film canister: Simple . . . You usually can find an empty 35mm
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canister laying around the house, if not you could
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probably bum one from a friend.
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Chlorine: The 60% chlorine tablets that are used in pools
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will make about 25 bombs... find someone with a
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pool and rip off a tablet.
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Roll of tape: Real thick double sided tape is the best to use
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for this. This tape is used to hold chunks of
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material to jigs while using a pin router,
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therefore it might be a little hard to find.
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Don't even try masking tape, it's not strong
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enough. If no double sided tape can be found
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use duck tape.
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Turpentine: Look in your garage, if none is in there just take
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a little from your neighbor like usual. If you're
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one of those loving, happy, trustworthy people you
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can try the hardware store (but that's for the
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weak-hearted).
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-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-
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This would be the perfect place to put
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the disclosure if I didn't think they
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were so damn stupid... ’‡<E28099>d Reign
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-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-
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#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#
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Mickey and the Man of Steel
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or
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Of Mice and Men of Steel
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A story by Greedo
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#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#
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I saw him just the other day. He was flying through the skies just
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like a fucking bird. Man, you should of seen him. He was wearing that big
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red cape of his. It was really nice, I mean if you are into capes and
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shit. He was real cool looking, he had one fist in front of his body kinda
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like it was pointing him in the direction he needed to go.
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I watched him real good. He just kind of flew by and that nice red
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cape flapped and then all the sudden he just kinda fell to the ground. It
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wasn't like a rock fallen out of the sky. It was more like when you see a
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paper airplane land and it has that nice gentle touchdown, and kinda moves
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forward a bit. He didn't move forward at all though, he's the man of steel
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ya know, and steel don't move anywhere it doesn't want to, but his cape
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moved. The red folds kinda covered his whole body for a second.
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That cape sure was nice.
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He landed and all and he walked up to the place where all the other
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important people talk. The cape kind bounced as he walked, boy was it ever
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red. He stood before the microphones and that "S" on his chest kinda rose
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and fell as he breathed. It was kinda funny to think of. I mean that
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steel could move and all. Steel doesn't really twist or flex like that.
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He coughed a few times also, I guess even giants get mucus in their
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throats. That's what he is ya know, a giant. I only saw one other giant.
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I killed him too.
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I was a tailor in the village. "Killed seven in one blow," I said.
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They all thought that was good of me. Took me to the king and all. I
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thought killing seven flies was no big deal. They did. The king was
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wearing a big red cape, not like the flying guys' though. His had the fur
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of dead animals all around it and it didn't bounce when he walked.
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The king told me about a giant that liked the village so much he wanted
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to destroy it. I was scared and I figured they wanted me to make clothes
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for him or something. They wanted me to kill the giant. Me a killer of
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flies becoming a killer of giants. I did it then and I will do it now.
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The giant didn't look so mean. He was kinda stupid. I was smarter than
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him. That's real bad, me being a mouse and all.
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I killed the other giant real fast. Tied him up and made him into a
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park for the kids. I got a real pretty wife from it all. We have several
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children. They don't look right though. A few have big ears like mine and
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a head like their mom's. A few are normal except for a tail. The kids
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kinda get laughed at. I feel sorry for my kids, their Papa is a real
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loser. I kill giants though.
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After the first one I got a wife and plenty of gold. It kinda made my
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life until a few months ago. I got kinda into trouble with my
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investments. I put money into stock markets and they fell hard. My money
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got all used up. I started to drink. My wife didn't think I was doing
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good so she went and told the Queen. Her and the King laughed and told her
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to go back to her mutant children and mouse of a husband. Told her to make
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me sew pants for a living. I couldn't do that. I kill giants.
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I even have business cards that say so.
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Anyways I was standing around the bar one day. My dog was
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with me. Dumb fucking dog too. Named him after a planet or a philosopher,
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i forget which. A guy, he had a bald head, came up to me. He looked all
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rich and had a pretty green rock in a ring on his hand. The rock scared
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me. It was real green. I think it would have gone real well with that red
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cape. He said he knew of my work, and asked if I still killed giants. I
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said yeah and handed him my card. I took another drink from my bottle.
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Rot gut beer but the bar was still closed so I couldn't get good stuff, I have
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a tab in the bar.
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He said he wanted me to kill a giant in the big city. I was scared of
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the big city, but i didn't tell the bald guy that. I almost asked him if
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his head got sun burned but I figured a rich guy like him took care of
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things like that. He offered me a lot of money. I took it and said I
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would do my best. He said that either the giant would die or I would. I
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kinda laughed and took another drink.
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I went home and packed my bag. I got out my old scissors and put them
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on top of my old clothes. I took a bottle of the good whiskey I had too.
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The special stuff. My wife came home just as I was leaving. I told her I
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was going to kill a giant. She laughed and called me a fucking lame ass
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loser. I got a knot in my throat and left. I loved my wife. Maybe if I
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kill the giant I can come back to her. No, if I kill the giant I will get
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a new wife. I don't really love her I guess.
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I got to the big city and he picked me up in a big black car. It was a
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nice one. Real good bar in it. He offered me a drink, so I had three. He
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told me the giant was the flying guy. He wasn't so big I said. He laughed
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and called him a giant in other ways, maybe even a god. I never killed a
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god before. I forgot about that though and called him a giant. I can kill
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a giant.
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I went to the park about noon. I had my big scissors all polished and
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ready to get him. I decided I would just kill him and forget the park for
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the kids. Anyway he was too small for a park. I got a beer before I went
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to the park though. It tasted good, I bet killing a giant will make me
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drink more. Who cares though? I will be rich.
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He landed and he went to the speaking place and his cape was all red
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and he looked like man more than a giant. I yelled at him and he looked at
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me. The crowd kinda laughed. I ran at him and someone said not to run
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with scissors. I killed the guy that said that. He made me mad I guess. I
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hope he rots in hell with the other giants. I made it to the speaking place
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and tried to stab him. He looked at me and then he twisted my scissors and
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all. So I tried sewing him all up in his cape. He stopped me though. I
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told him I killed giants. He said he wasn't a giant and that I was going
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to jail. He looked at me like he had never seen a big mouse before. I
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guess the beer and the running didn't do good for me. I threw up on his
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nice red cape. It kinda ran down it and I hoped it wouldn't stain because
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it looked like a nice cape.
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He took me to the jail house and I was put in a cell. That's where I
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am now. For some reason my head was spinning and I realized that I had cut
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myself with my scissors. I was bleeding but no one noticed. I laid there
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and thought about all the money I could have had if I killed one more
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giant. I think I could have done it if it wasn't for that red cape. I
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liked it too much to really hurt anyone that had it.
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The moral of this story? Don't fuck with men in red capes even if you
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can kill giants.
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The characters in this story are copyrighted to Disney and DC comics
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and I didn't get their permission to use them.
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=============================================================================
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=============================================================================
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Got lots of good files for the next issue so keep reading
|
||
-----------------------------
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||
Cryogenic Crypt
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||
919-482-5824
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No Ratios!
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||
Completely Free
|
||
Megs of text online
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||
-----------------------------
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||
Use the info, don't just read it
|
||
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--------
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---
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-
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