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Electronic Humor Magazine.
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Issue025, (Volume VII, Number I). January, 1989.
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NutWorks is published (far too often) by
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Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.bitnet>
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"We're gonna rock, stomp, get psyched up..."
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-- Mick Jones
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"Plant some trees, man! Fast!"
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-- Us
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Contents
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========
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NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest
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Nuts & Bolts ................... Commentary
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The Newlyweds .................. Joke
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Jeeves and the
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Slippery Paradox ............ Story
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Personality Building ........... Self-Help Guide
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The Lutheran Party ............. Essay
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Kritik's Korner ................ Movie Review
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Outfoxing the
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Spelling Checker ............ Memo
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Sneak Preview .................. Advert
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Columbus ....................... Poem
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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NewsWorks
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=========
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Uh, hi.
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Back in the heady, optimistic days of this past summer, the NutWorks
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editorial staff made vague suggestions about converting their monthly
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periodical into a bi-weekly. Although an official announcement to this
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effect was never made -- the astute reader will recall that the NutWorks
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editor departed last summer's news conference with a female correspondent
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shortly before he was to make that announcement -- a great furor arose
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on the rumors nonetheless. Our mail room was flooded with cards and
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letters of gratitude, the New York Stock Exchange rallied to a post-crash
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high, really hip parties were thrown in our honor, and the academic
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community become so electrified that one expert said "NutWorks going
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bi-weekly would, by all accounts, be the best thing to happen to
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computers since Slotted Aloha."
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Unfortunately, shortly before the first bi-weekly issue was to be
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released upon the world, a small wormhole in the space-time continuum
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opened up and sucked the entire NutWorks staff into an alternate universe
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where "Unix" is a type of lawn furniture, duct tape is served up as an
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appetizer at most restaurants, and the popular euphemism for sex is
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"polishing the brass". We would have rushed right back through the
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wormhole in order to get this issue of NutWorks out on schedule, but the
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multi-breasted inhabitants of the altiverse were so hospitable that we...
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>>> OH SHUT UP, YOU LAZY BASTARDS, AND JUST GET ON WITH IT!
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Sorry.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nuts & Bolts
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==============
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by Brent C.J. Britton
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There seems to exist in this country an ever-changing set of grossly
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overused words and phrases perpetuated chiefly by the broadcast news
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media, Madison Avenue advertisers, and others who believe that the
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average American's intelligence quotient falls somewhere in the same
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neighborhood as the tree slug's.
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I'm talking about those expressions with which it has, at least for a
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while, become fashionable to describe some fragment of the cultural
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milieu; words and phrases that get a lot of airplay... sort of like the
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vocabulary top forty.
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Take, for a start, the once perfectly delightful phrase coined by
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scientists to describe a now well-known atmospheric phenomenon:
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"greenhouse effect". "Greenhouse effect" serves as a perfect example of
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how journalists will seize upon a catchy, quaint, concisely descriptive
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term (on the rare occasions that the scientific community provides them
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with one) and then employ it so frequently that it loses any semblance of
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charm and ceases to be an enriching addition to the lexicon.
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Similar examples are "new age" and "postmodern" which are basically
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used to describe just about everything. You can't swing a dead cat
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these days without hitting something postmodern.
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Or how about the popular term for the recent proliferation of
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corporate acquisitions: "merger-mania". I guess the people who make up
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these words feel that we simple folk can better relate to a concept if
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it sounds like it has something to do with a state lottery. In fact,
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I'm surprised they don't let Robyn Leach anchor the news:
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"...and so on Wall Street today it was merger-mania for these
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fast-flying financiers. Have *you* launched *your* hostile
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takeover yet? XYZ company turned down management's tender
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offer, so this week's jackpot is *overFLOWing* with highly
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leveraged megamillyuns!"
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That, by the way, was a "sound bite", which is something developed
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by the people who brought you president-elect George Bush. One of George
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Bush's most famous sound bites is "read my lips" (whoooee, can that guy
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think 'em up... I don't know where he gets 'em), and another is "a thou-
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sand points of light" which I bet is what you see on the wall next to him
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if you shine a flashlight at George's head.
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bcjb
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Newlyweds
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=============
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Submitted by someone to whom we are most grateful,
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but whose name we forgot.
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The newlyweds retired for the night. About an hour later the bride
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said, "How about it dear?" But he made no answer. More time elapsed and
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the bride asked again, "How about it dear?" and still received no reply.
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The night had passed and dawn was already breaking when the bride tried
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again, this time pleading, "Please, dear, how about it?"
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"How about what?" he replied with exasperation.
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"How about going to sleep, dear?"
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Jeeves and the Slippery Paradox
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===============================
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by Johnathan R. Partington
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A recently discovered manuscript containing an unpublished P.G. Wode-
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house story has led some scholars to the theory that the "Bertie Wooster"
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stories were in fact based on the career of Bertrand Russell, and that
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the Drones club was none other than Trinity College, Cambridge. Here is
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the story so that readers can decide for themselves.
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"Professor Whitehead to see you, sir," said Jeeves, as he shimmered in
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with my morning coffee.
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Pieface Whitehead is one of my oldest friends and we had been out on
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the town together only the previous night, celebrating the Boat-race.
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Indeed two pals of ours, Stinker Hardy and Bingo Littlewood, had been
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caught throwing a porter's bowler hat into the fountain and it was only
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thanks to Jeeves' persuading the Senior Tutor that they were washing it
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for a friend that the Dean had let them off the hook.
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"What-ho, Pieface!" I said brightly.
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"What-ho, Bertie!" my friend replied. "Dashed off any more of the
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jolly old Principia lately?"
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At this time Pieface and I were collaborating on a little venture
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which we had given the snappy title of "Principia Mathematica" not real-
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ising that it had been used before. My aunt Dahlia (the nice one, not to
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be confused with Aunt Agatha who is the one who eats broken bottles) had
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said that she had long known that her nephew Bertrand Rooster had the
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mind of a shrimp, but that hitherto they had managed to keep it in the
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family.
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"No, I'm still having a spot of bother with the jolly old plot," I
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confessed. "I'm trying to sort out the proof that 2 plus 2 is 4, but the
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bally sum doesn't seem to be coming out."
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"Well stick at it, old man," said Pieface. "By the way, ever heard of
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an old boy named Frege? He's sent me this book about set theory. Can't
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make out what the old buzzard's getting at."
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"Foreign johnny, isn't he?" I replied. "One of Jumbo Hilbert's cro-
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nies? Man with a strange glint in his eye? Met him once or twice."
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At that moment Jeeves shimmered in with a telegram and stood respect-
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fully waiting while I read it.
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"What do you make of this, Jeeves?" I asked. "NEED YOUR ADVICE,
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ROOSTER. AM HAVING TROUBLE GETTING A SHAVE. THE LOCAL BARBER ONLY SHAVES
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THOSE WHO DON'T SHAVE THEMSELVES. GOTTLIEB FREGE."
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"I fancy that Professor Frege is in a logical dilemma, sir." replied
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Jeeves after some thought. "It might help if he were to go to a lady
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barber, on logical if not sartorial grounds. Naturally one would not
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expect him to grow a beard. As the poet Wordsworth puts it..."
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"This is no time for the poet Wordsworth, Jeeves." I snapped. "Mat-
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ters of philosophy are at stake."
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"Very good, sir. If I may make a suggestion, sir..."
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"Oh, fire away, Jeeves. Now is the time for all good men to come to
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the aid of the party, if that's how the saying goes."
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"Well, sir, it occurred to me that Professor Frege's logical dilemmas
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merely constituted a new form of the Epiminedes paradox. Possibly if you
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were to devise a theory of "types" for him, then he would be able to
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prove the existence of his shave."
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"Er, really, Jeeves?" I asked, somewhat impressed.
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"Yes, sir. Indeed it might well lead you to a new proof that 2 and 2
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make 4, if I may venture the observation."
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The rest is history...
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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PROGRAM -- 1. (noun) A magic spell cast over a computer to enable it to
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turn your input into error messages. 2. (v.t.) A pastime similar to
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banging your head against a wall but with fewer opportunities for reward.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The >>>> (TM) Chris Boyd (C) <<<< Guide to Personality Building
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===============================================================
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(I) Get a userid on a computer sufficiently far away to prevent
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reprisals.
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(II) Suss out the local bulletin board.
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(III) Locate those users whose contributions are notably daft and insult
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them. Pointing out spelling mistakes and rank contradictions in
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their items is a favoured technique, and is usually as easy as
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shooting fish in a barrel.
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(IV) Invent a spurious logic.
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(V) Pay particular attention to any debate where a dangerous consensus
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is emerging and either (i) destroy it by introducing a devastating-
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ly controversial red herring or (ii) argue the contrary view with
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passion and conviction.
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(VI) Blatantly plagiarize pieces by funnier people, and pretend to have
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reinvented them.
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(VII) Never, but never never EVER apologize for anything.
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(8) Never be consistent.
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(9) Don't let on what sex you are.
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(10) Occasionally remind other users of your impending birthday.
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(11) Periodically upset any user who thought you were an ally by
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entering into a completely unprovoked personal attack, paying
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particular attention to their lack of sexual prowess (or even
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development).
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(12) Invent and publicize a whole set of neologisms and acronyms.
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(13) NEVER go on about bloody computers.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Lutheran Party
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==================
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By Eric Iverson
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Two weeks ago I was idly browsing the personals, when I saw an ad for
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a Lutheran Party. Now I don't normally respond to these things, but I
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couldn't help noticing that I not only happened to be Lutheran, but was
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also a great lover of parties. It seemed like the perfect match, and so
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I wrote the following letter:
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Dear People,
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I was heartened and a bit surprised to see your ad for the Lutheran
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Party, as I was not aware that such a party existed. I am currently a
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Democrat, but after this latest election I guess I'm willing to try just
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about anything. To show my devotion to your cause I have drafted the
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following:
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A POLITICAL PLATFORM FOR THE LUTHERAN PARTY
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In many ways a political platform for the Lutheran Party goes against
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our grain. What with our motto "Anything worth changing is probably just
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as worth keeping the same" and all, a piece of paper with a bunch of big
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ideas on it just isn't the way we do things. In fact, under a Lutheran
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Administration, about the only thing that might change is that we might
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get to that fence out back that needs a coat or two of paint (that is if
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we can decide on a color). Nevertheless, here are a few things we as the
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Lutheran Party could maybe think about doing.
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PAN-SCANDINAVIANISM
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Under a Lutheran Administration, all US residents would be declared
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legally Scandinavian (or at least slightly Germanic on their mother's
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side). To signify this, residents would in addition take on a new Scan-
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dinavian name. In cases where the resident refuses to do this, an
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auxiliary pseudo-Scandinavianization will take place. This is a simple
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process wherein one or more "j's" will be inserted in unlikely locations
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in the person's first name, while a "son" or "stad" will be appended to
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the persons last name. For example, the following are good Scandinavian
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names:
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Kjerstin Rustad
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Hjalmar Andbjornson
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Gjertrude Aslakson
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while below we see the fruits of pseudo-Scandinavianization:
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BEFORE AFTER
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Miguel Hernandez Mjigjuel Hernandezson
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Gina Cabrini Gjina Cabrinistad
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Malcolm X Mjalcolm Xstad
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Prince Pjrinceson
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Mind you this process can be dangerous in the hands of improperly trained
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personnel, so watch out:
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John Jones Jjjkjgjhjjjjohjjkjjn Hjkjonestadsonstad
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ABBA AAAABBABBABBBBAABABBABABBABBAAA
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Paul Hanson Isadora Lutz
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BIG GOVERNMENT
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Unlike its alphabetical predecessor, the Libertarian Party, the
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Lutheran Party does not favor a radical reduction in the size of the Fed-
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eral Government. (Well I suppose you could reduce the size a little, but
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only if it's not too much trouble.) Instead, the Lutheran Party advo-
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cates increasing the size of the Federally Governed. This can be
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accomplished through a national diet filled with white sauce, granulated
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sugar, butter and of course hot dish. After all "yew can't have a big
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strong government if yew aren't big and strong yerself."
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CURRENCY REGULATIONS
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In order to pay back the federal deficit, new sources of funding must
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be found. One way is to restructure the US currency system in a manner
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more in keeping with the traditional pioneer values that made this
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country great. In this spirit, the Lutheran Party recommends that the
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new value of the US dollar be based on that of sod. This would not only
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immortalize the numerous sod homes that once dotted the Prairie, but
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would also act as an incentive for people to keep their lawns properly
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cared for so as to protect their investment. We also propose that new
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coins bearing the likenesses of long dead Danish and Norwegian Kings
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actually be made of sod; as the sod's natural mottled green color would
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most likely better represent these Kings' natural appearance.
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THE ENVIRONMENT
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One of the Lutheran Party's prime environmental goals is to inform the
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country that Lutefisk is actually not a toxic waste, and can in fact be
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eaten. In order to do this, we propose creating a new character: LeRoy
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the Lutefisk who will resemble a talking cod soaked in lye (actually a
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cartoon cod soaked in cartoon lye) and will say things like "Give a hoot,
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eat yer Lute" or "Der's no risk in Lutefisk". If this doesn't work, our
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new president will begin making speeches at Rotary Club gatherings about
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how Lutefisk tastes even better than sod. (See Currency Regulations.)
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DEFENSE
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"I tot I tode yew I'd paint de fense in da spring! Can't yew see it's
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still vinter?"
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In common word and sacrament,
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Eric Iverson
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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We care.
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We care about people. Deeply. Vaguely. Many parts of the world are
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not very nice. We want to help. Help us find out which parts they are.
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Or whatever. You know.
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AMNESIA
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INTERNATIONAL
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PO Box either 207, or 702, or 027,
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That Big Town With The Exhibition Centre And all The Tunnels,
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Can't Remember the New Name of the County But It Used To Be
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Called Rutland Or Something. Anyway, You Can't Miss It. BM9 3TX.
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(From Not the Nine O'Clock News)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Kritik's Korner
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===============
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by Pauline Kael
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Submitted by Hugh Cushing
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SORORITY SLAYFEST (date unknown) -- Buddy Bowers' sublimely earthly
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comic-horror piece is the sort of >meurtrier foux< essay that you seem to
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detest less and less as the blood memories fade. It attempts, and occa-
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sionally succeeds, in splattering one's most bellicose and inebriated
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fantasies across the screen and the first few rows (the cinematographer
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is uncredited). Kim Cattrall is Mona (she swallows the second syllable
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of her name as naturally as she swallows the copious amounts of semen
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provided by special-effects artist Leonard). She simmers with a sort of
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nihilistic spunk; you want her to be the sole survivor. But the often-
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overworked script forces her emotional turns to lose their
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adrenaline-drenched power. A few good slashes applied to the plot would
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have helped here. More importantly, the casting agency should have put
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their receivers down long enough to realize one cannot kill more than
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five cherubic, apple-cheeked teenagers without losing the audience's
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interest. Bowers should listen to his own Slasher Harry: "queen-bitches
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must go" as well if the emotional roller-coaster is not to break down.
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And Bowers often seems to expect grandiose results from limited
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resources; the scenes played to build sexual tension before each kill are
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quite torpid. Yet your eyes remain nailed to the screen. With Tara
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Strohmeier, David Naughton, and Michael Talbott (from Miami Vice) as
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Harry. Script by Bowers and Dennis Miller. (235 West 42nd Street, Apt.
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5A and Olympia Quad through March 27th.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Outfoxing the Spelling Checker
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==============================
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They're know miss steaks in this newsletter cause we used special soft
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wear witch checks yore spelling. It is mower or lass a weigh too
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verify. How ever is can knot correct arrows inn punctuation ore usage:
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an it will not fined words witch are miss used butt spelled rite. Four
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example; a paragraph could have mini flaws but wood bee past by the
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spell checker. And it wont catch the sentence fragment which you.
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Their fore, the massage is that proofreading is knot eliminated, it is
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still berry much reek wired.
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(Reprinted with no permission at all from the NUMAC Newsletter, who got
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it from "Interface" (vol20, no7) published by the University of
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California, Santa Cruz.)
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Sneak Preview
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=============
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by Brent C.J. Britton
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Available in book stores next month.
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The latest book by Albert Goldman,
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highly acclaimed biographer of dead people.
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From the one man who had the guts to put down on paper what everyone was
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saying about Elvis Presley anyway...
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From the man who dredged up all the muck and slime you always wanted to
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know about the life of John Lennon...
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It's...
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THEORIST DEAREST
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----------------
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the unofficial biography of Albert Einstein
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Finally, Albert Goldman reveals the gory details about the sordid life of
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one of the greatest minds of the twentieth century in this muckraking
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masterpiece!
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As these excerpts indicate, THEORIST DEAREST tells the whole gritty story
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about...
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The Irresponsible and Abused Adolescent:
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Einstein was late to class, as usual, the day grades were announced,
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so he had to wait until lunch hour to find out that he had flunked
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high-school math. According to sources close to him at the time, he
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feared that his father would probably kill him.
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The Wild Patent Office Years:
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"Einstein vas ahead of his time," says a coworker. "Alvays he vas
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getting drunk unt saying zings like 'Hey Klaus, vhy don't you and me
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fax our penises to London, eh?'"
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The Plagiarism:
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It is widely accepted that Einstein wrote his greatest papers while
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working as a patent clerk, even though some sources claim that they
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were actually the work of "Fritz", Einstein's estranged junkie who
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mysteriously disappeared in early 1905.
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The Lust for Money:
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When asked what he would do if he couldn't be a physicist, Einstein
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remarked that he would like to have been a plumber.
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The Princeton Coeds:
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Helga, daughter of Einstein's maid: "Herr Dokter Einshtein vas often
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valking around mit his shoes untied because he had no time to tie
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zem up vhen he vas sneaking out of ze girls' dormitories. Vhy did
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you zink his hair alvays looked like zat?"
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|
The Nasty Temper:
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|
Einstein was arguing with another researcher about the validity of
|
|
quantum mechanics. "God does not play at dice!" he insisted as the
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|
argument raged on. Eventually Einstein said "Look, let's have a
|
|
thought experiment. Suppose you and I are standing at ze train
|
|
station waiting for ze train as we will do tonight after class.
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|
Now suppose I shove you off the platform onto the tracks and ze train
|
|
comes ripping over your helpless body at nearly ze speed of light.
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|
At zis point, relative to my frame of reference, you are dead and no
|
|
longer around to bother me about ze fucking qvantum mechanics!"
|
|
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|
Don't miss THEORIST DEAREST, the unofficial biography of Albert Einstein.
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|
By Albert Goldman.
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|
Highly acclaimed, but obviously constipated bald person.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Columbus
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========
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by Ogden Nash
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|
Submitted by Johnathan R. Partington
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|
Once upon a time there was an Italian,
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And some people thought he was a rapscallion,
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|
But he wasn't offended,
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|
Because other people thought he was splendid,
|
|
And he said the world was round,
|
|
And everybody made an uncomplimentary sound,
|
|
But he went and tried to borrow some money from Ferdinand,
|
|
But Ferdinand said America was a bird in the bush
|
|
and he'd rather have a bird in 'and,
|
|
But Columbus' brain was fertile, it wasn't arid,
|
|
And he remembered that Ferdinand was married,
|
|
And he thought, there is no wife like a misunderstood one,
|
|
Because if her husband thinks something is a terrible idea
|
|
she is bound to think it a good one,
|
|
So he perfumed his handkerchief with rum and citronella,
|
|
And he went to see Isabella,
|
|
And he looked wonderful but he had never felt sillier,
|
|
And she said, I can't place the face but the aroma is familiar,
|
|
And Columbus didn't say a word,
|
|
All he said was, I am Columbus ,
|
|
the fifteenth-century Admiral Byrd,
|
|
And, just as he thought, her disposition was very malleable,
|
|
And she said, Here are my jewels, and she wasn't penurious like
|
|
Cornelia the mother of the Gracchi, she wasn't referring
|
|
to her children, no, she was referring to her jewels,
|
|
which were very very valuable,
|
|
So Columbus said, Somebody show me the sunset
|
|
and somebody did and he set sail for it,
|
|
And he discovered America and they put him in jail for it,
|
|
And the fetters gave him welts,
|
|
And they named America after somebody else,
|
|
So the sad fate of Columbus ought to be pointed out
|
|
to every child and every voter,
|
|
Because it has a very important moral, which is,
|
|
Don't be a discoverer, be a promoter.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Issue025, (Volume VII, Number I). January, 1989.
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