489 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
489 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
***** *****
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Special ***** ***
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Song Parody *** ** *** ***
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Issue!! *** ** *** *** *** *******
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*** ** *** *** *** *******
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*** ***** *** *** *** ***
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***** ***** ****** ** ******
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****** ****** ****
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*** *** ***
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*** *** *** *** *** ****
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*** ***** *** ****** *** **** *** *** *** **
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*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***** ***
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****** ****** *** *** *** *** *** ** ***
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**** **** ****** *** **** *** ****
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Electronic Humor Magazine.
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Issue016, (Volume IV, Number 2). February, 1987.
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NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by
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Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"Ods my Bodkins. A beanstalk.
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And all the way up to the sky, too."
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-- Daffy Duck as "Jack"
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Contents
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========
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Nuts & Bolts ................... Commentary
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A Better Model ................. Parody
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Don't Have a Conniption ........ Parody
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Water .......................... Parody
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Into the Tube .................. Parody
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Friend of the System ........... Parody
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Don't Call from Home ........... Parody
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Put Another Password In ........ Parody
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The Disks of Unix .............. Parody
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A Better Model ................. Parody
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nuts & Bolts
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==============
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by Brent C.J. Britton
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My sincere apologies to those of you who have been patiently await-
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ing the arrival of this, the Special Song Parody Issue of NutWorks.
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I am so deeply entrenched in the quagmire of mid-semester classwork that
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I have little time to sit and put issues of NutWorks together. It has
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been at least 3 days since I have read anything humorous, and now, I've
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gained weight, my face broke out, I'm nauseous, I'm constipated, my feet
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swelled, my gums are bleeding, my sinuses are clogged, I have heartburn,
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I'm cranky, and I have gas.
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The next issue of NutWorks will be out in the first or second week of
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March, depending solely on the whim of 4 or 5 college professors who
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seem to think that Florida isn't a good place for me to spend spring
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break.
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Enough of these idle complaints. Don't let the size of this issue
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scare you. As they say in the more relaxed installations, "Don't sweat
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it, it's only ones and zeros."
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bcjb
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Don't Have a Conniption
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=======================
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by Brent C.J. Britton
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Sung to the tune of "Walk Like an Egyptian"
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by the Bangles
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All the system ops in this place,
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They monitor me, just for fun.
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If I logon here,
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(ohwayoh)
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They force me off 'fore my profile runs.
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'Cause I have a reputation
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For doing things which I shouldn't be,
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Like running CHATS,
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(ohwayoh)
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And bootlegging Lotus-123.
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So you see, when they yell at me, I say,
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(wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
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"Don't have a conniption..."
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Found how to change all my privs;
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I didn't know that I broke a rule.
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I forced the op,
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(ohwayoh)
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I dropped the link, then I purged the spool.
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All the sys ops, so sick of me,
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They don't let my databases run.
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I broke CP,
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(ohwayoh)
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They had a big fat connip-tion.
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When they NOLOG my account, I say
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(wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
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"Don't have a conniption..."
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They've hated me since I stored
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Inside the real PSW.
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We crashed hard you know,
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(ohwayoh)
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I guess I forgot a bit or two.
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If you want to find software cops,
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They're hanging out in the software shops.
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They kick your pants,
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(ohwayoh)
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And give the boot to your VMBLOCK.
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I ran my Turing Machine;
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Another one was assembl'in.
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And it crunched all night,
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(ohwayoh)
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The system op had connip'tions.
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To software cops in the software shops, I say
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(wayohwayoh, wayohwayoh)
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"Don't have a conniption..."
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"Don't have a conniption."
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Water
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=====
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By Ken Hayes <@WSUVM1>
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Sung to the tune of "Lola"
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by The Kinks
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We rafted down the Salmon in Idaho,
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We shot the rapids and then we got splashed by the waaater.
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Wa wa wa wa waaaater...
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We rafted still further with our beers in our hands,
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Then we fell in and we got real wet 'cause of the waaaater.
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Wa wa wa wa waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaater...
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Chorus:
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waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaaater.
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waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaaater.
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Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand,
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How it rolls like a woman and sprays like a man.
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Oh, the waaater, wa wa wa wa waaater...
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(chorus)
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Well we drank our wine, and partied all night.
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We'd never ever seen this river's might.
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We got kinda smashed and then we turned in,
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Knowing that tomorrow we'd be there again.
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Well I'm not the world's most scarable guy,
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But I sure got scared when I fell into, yes, the waaater.
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wa wa wa wa waaaater, wa wa wa wa waaater.
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(chorus)
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(repeat chorus until people are about ready to lynch you)
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Into the Tube
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=============
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by Mike Portuesi <rainwalker@drycas>
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Sung to the tune of "Into The Groove"
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by Madonna
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And you can hack,
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For computation.
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Come on,
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It's waiting...
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Chorus:
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Stare into the tube,
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Boy, you've got to prove
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Your subroutine.
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RS-232,
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And full duplex too,
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With no parity.
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Hacking can be such a revelation,
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When you can find your missing declaration.
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It might be running if the code is right;
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I hope to fix a major bug tonight.
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Only when I'm hacking can I feel this free.
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At night I buy some Coke,
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And hack till after three.
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I'm tired of all those GOTO's by themselves.
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Tonight, I want to write
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with IF-THEN-ELSE!
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(chorus)
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You've got to type NEW
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in a special way,
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Or else it won't clear
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Out your first array.
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Don't try to run it with your memory size.
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I've got an error on the hard disk drive.
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Only when I'm hacking,
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Can I feel this free.
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At night I buy some Coke,
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And hack till after three.
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I'm tired of all those GOTO's by themselves.
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Tonight, I want to write
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with IF-THEN-ELSE!
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(chorus)
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Live out your fantasy,
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Written in C.
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Just let those macros
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Set you free.
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Touch my BREAK key,
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In real time.
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Now I'm not on line.
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(chorus)
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Only when I'm hacking,
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Can I feel this free.
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At night I buy some Coke,
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And hack till after three.
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I'm tired of all those GOTO's by themselves.
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Tonight, I want to write
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with IF-THEN-ELSE!
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Live out your fantasy,
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Written in C.
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Just let those macros
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Set you free.
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Touch my BREAK key,
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In real time.
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Now I'm not on line,
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Now I'm not on line,
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Now I'm not on line,
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Now I'm not on line (nasal, like Madonna)
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Now I'm not on line.
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(repeat chorus - fade out)
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Friend of the System
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====================
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By Larry Stone <STONE@YALECS>
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Submitted by Jeff Brandenburg <BRAND@VTCS1>
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Sung to the tune of "Friend of the Devil"
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by Jerry Garcia & Robert Hunter
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I logged on to the Ed-VAX, left a trail of coffee grounds.
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Didn't get to sleep that night 'til the morning came around.
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Chorus:
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Said I'll run my program but it will take some time;
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A friend of the System is a friend of mine.
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If I get done before daylight,
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I just might write some code tonight.
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Ran into the System, baby, and it tried to blow me off.
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Spent the evening learning Pascal but still all it does is scoff!
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(chorus)
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I tried to run the editor, but the System caught me there;
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It took my FORTRAN program and it vanished in the air!
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(chorus)
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Got two reasons why I stay awake each night and day;
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The first one's name I can't pronounce, but he is my TA.
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The second one's my college Dean, 'cause I'm about to fail!
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She says if I don't pass C.S. I won't be long at Yale.
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Got a program in T-Lisp, baby, and one in FORTRAN IV.
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The first one has a hundred bugs but the other one has more!
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(chorus)
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Don't Call From Home
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====================
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by Jonathon Luning <LUNJONT@YALEVMX>
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Sung to the Tune of "The Man's Too Strong"
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by Dire Straits
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I'm just an ageing hacker-boy
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And in the days I used to play
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And I've called the tune
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To many a system's ruin.
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Now they say I am a real criminal
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And I'm hiding away.
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Just one more terminal session.
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I have simplified robbery
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With my PCs.
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I have called in the money
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And it's now overseas.
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I have re-written bank accounts
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With thousands on my books;
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Made up identities
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Without changing my looks.
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And I can still hear the touch-tones
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And the clicks on the phone.
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Don't call too long.
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Don't call from home.
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Well I've cracked IBM
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And I've cracked NSA
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And I've cracked every network
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In the whole USA.
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I have called out on Sprint
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And from any payphone;
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Billed to people
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I never have known.
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And I can still hear the touch-tones
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And the clicks on the phone.
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Don't call too long.
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Don't call from home.
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Well the sun comes in my office
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And they all did hear him say
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"You're really too much for us,
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You're worth more than we can pay.
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You may still hear from Burroughs
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But I ask you now today:
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Won't you please work with us
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At the good old CIA?"
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Now I run all surveillance
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From LA to Kremlin's dome.
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Don't call too long.
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Don't call from home.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Put Another Password In
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=======================
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by Chesire Catalyst
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Submitted by Holly Lee Stowe
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Sung to the tune of "Put Another Nickel In"
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Put another password in,
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Bomb it out and try again.
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Try to get past logging in,
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We're hacking, hacking, hacking.
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Try his first wife's maiden name.
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This is more than just a game.
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It's real fun, but just the same,
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It's hacking, hacking, hacking.
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Sys-call, let's try sys-call.
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Remember, that great bug from version 3,
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Of R S X, It's here! Whoopie!
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Put another sys-call in,
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Run those passwords out and then,
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Dial back up, we're logging in.
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It's hacking, hacking, hacking!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Disks of UNIX
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=================
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Submitted by Malcolm Dickinson <CLARINET@YALEVMX>
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Sung to the Tune of "Sounds of Silence"
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by Simon and Garfunkel
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Hello comix my old friend.
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I've come to program you again.
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because a student softly creeping,
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guessed my password while I was sleeping.
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And the programs
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with just remnants in my brain,
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don't remain,
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upon the disks... of UNIX.
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In flick'ring lights I type along.
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Load my program, what was wrong?
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Letters haloed by my squinting,
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at the program that I was lint-ing.
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For my eyes were blurred
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by the flash of the cathode beam,
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term'nal screen,
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and all the C... on UNIX.
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And in the fuzzy light I saw
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10,000 hackers, maybe more:
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Hackers staring without blinking,
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hackers typing without thinking.
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Hackers writing code
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that programs never shared.
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(No one dared,
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disturb the disks... of UNIX.)
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"Fools," said I, "you do not know.
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Kludges make the d.u. grow.
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Comment functions that I might read them.
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Update man-files 'cause I might need them."
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But my words
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like unread printout fell,
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(Oh well...)
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An echo,
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On the disks... of UNIX.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A Better Model
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==============
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by Steven Levine at Apollo Computer
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Submitted by "Spam"
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Sung to the tune of "A Modern Major-General"
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by Gilbert and Sullivan
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I've built a better model than the one at Data General
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For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
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My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
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My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
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My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
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You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
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There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
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My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
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Chorus: His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting,
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His disk drive has capacity for variable formatting,
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His disk drive has capacity for variable format-formatting.
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I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
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There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
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Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
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I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
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Cho: Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
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He's built a better model than the one at Data General.
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The IBM new home computer's nothing more than germinal;
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At Prime they still have trouble with an interactive terminal;
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While Tandy's done a lousy job with operations Boolean,
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At Wang the byte capacity's too small to fit a coolie in.
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Intel's mid-year finances are something of the trouble sort;
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The Timex Sinclar crashes when you implement a bubble sort.
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All DEC investors soon will find they haven't spent their money well;
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And need I even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?
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Cho: And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?
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And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honeywell?
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And need he even mention Nixdorf, Univac, or Honey-Honeywell?
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By striving to eliminate all source code that's repetitive
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I've brought my benchmark standings to results that are competitive.
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In short, for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
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I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
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Cho: In short for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
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He's built a better model than the one at Data General.
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In fact when I've a floppy of a maximum diameter,
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When I can call a subroutine of infinite parameter,
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When I can point to registers and keep their current map around,
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And when I can prevent the need for mystifying wraparound,
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When I can update record blocks with minimum of suffering,
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And when I can afford to use a hundred K for buffering,
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When I've performed a matrix sort and tested the addition rate,
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You'll marvel at the speed of my asynchronous transmission rate.
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Cho: You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate,
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You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission rate,
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You'll marvel at the speed of his asynchronous transmission-mission rate.
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Though all my better programs that self-reference recursively
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Have only been obtained through expert spying, done subversively,
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But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral,
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I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
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Cho: But still for input vegetable, animal, and mineral,
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He's built a better model than the one at Data General.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Issue016, (Volume IV, Number 2). February, 1987.
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