675 lines
26 KiB
Plaintext
675 lines
26 KiB
Plaintext
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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***** *****
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***** ***
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*** ** *** ***
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*** ** *** *** *** *******
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*** ** *** *** *** *******
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*** ***** *** *** *** ***
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***** ***** ****** ** ******
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****** ****** ****
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*** *** ***
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*** *** *** *** *** ****
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*** ***** *** ****** *** **** *** *** *** **
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*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***** ***
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****** ****** *** *** *** *** *** ** ***
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**** **** ****** *** **** *** ****
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Electronic Humor Magazine.
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Issue013, (Volume III, Number 1). October, 1986.
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NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by
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Brent C.J. Britton and Leonard M. Friedman
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<BRENT@MAINE> <xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"Strange, but not a stranger"
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-- David Byrne
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"Yes, we're gonna have a wing-ding."
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-- Donald Fagen
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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WNUT presents...
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(various brassy chords and a few sparse timpanis thrown in for effect)
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...the greatest thing to happen to journalism since "Real People"...
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NutWorks News
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-------------
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With anchors, Vince Peters and Phyllis Frigid!
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All the sports action with Billy Snott!
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And weather girl Boopsie McBigones!
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And now, News Director Vince Peters:
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Vince: Good evening Nutty News watchers! We're coming to you as we do
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every month, live, from within the pages of NutWorks Electronic
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Humor Magazine! Phyllis...?
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Phyllis: Thanks, Vince. Well, it's been a long summer...
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Vince: Never long enough, right Phyllis?
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Phyllis: Oh Vince, you are just *such* a card! A-hee-hee-hee-ahem...
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Anyway, we here at WNUT NutWorks News are just *so* glad to be back.
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Vince...?
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Vince: Yes we are Phyllis. But now, on with the news. Back issues of
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NutWorks can be retrieved from CSNEWS@MAINE.BITNET and
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TCSSERVE@TCSVM.BITNET by any user who has the time and inclination
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to send an interactive message. For more details, send either server
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the msg: SENDME NUTWORKS INFO
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The publishers welcome requests for information in the form of
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electronic mail files. Phyllis...?
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Phyllis: Thanks Vince. You know folks, the first issue of NutWorks
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was written in January of 1985 to alleviate the boredom of an
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otherwise dreary winter. It was mailed to three or four of the
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author's friends, and it gave them something to do instead of their
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homework, or their *real* work, or whatever it was they were supposed
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to be doing. Well today, NutWorks is helping more people become
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lethargic and non-productive than ever! NutWorks is mailed directly
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each month to over 300 subscribers on four networks! Oooo... doesn't
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that just give you the warm fuzzies? Vince...?
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Vince: Thanks Phyllis. We'll be right back after this message from our
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sponsor.
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Sponsor: Ronco presents: The Monty Python Collection! Do these words
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mean anything to you?
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"Hello, I'd like to buy an argument..."
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Or how about,
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"Warning: Larks Vomit!"
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Or,
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"Call the Church Police!"
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Or,
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"Rule 7: NO POOFTAHS!"
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Or,
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"And it came to pass that Saint Victor was
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taken from this place to another place..."
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Still clueless? To find out which Monty Python sketches these
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passages are from, order the Monty Python Collection today!
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You get 27 songs and sketches! Send no money now. Just send mail
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to Clarinet@Yalevmx.BITNET requesting your OWN copy of the Monty
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Python Collection. That's Clarinet@Yalevmx. Our operators are
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standing by. Order yours TODAY!
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(We're Beatrice)
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And now, back to NutWorks News.
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Phyllis: And here with the all the latest in sports action, Billy Snott.
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Billy...?
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Billy: Zzzzz... Zzzzz... Oooohhh... do that some more baby... Ohh..
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Phyllis: Billy...?
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Billy: Ungh..snore.. slurp.. MMmmmmmmmmm ... that's soooooo niiiiiice...
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Phyllis: Vince?
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Vince: BILLY! WAKE UP!
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Billy: Oh Gawd! It's your husband, Phyllis! Quick! Get up! I'll hide
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the whipped cream, you hide the vice-grips! Phyllis? Phyllis!?
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Vince: Phyllis!?!?!
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Phyllis: Billy...?
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Billy: Boopsie...?
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Boopsie: Vince...?
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Vince: That's the news! We'll see you next month!
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(more brass and timpanis...)
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nuts & Bolts
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==============
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by Brent C.J. Britton
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Aren't computers grand? Think about it. We make them do the most
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tedious, boring, mean, nasty ugly things, and they obey without question.
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Of course, if we don't correctly tell them what it is we want them to do,
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they won't always comply. They do whatever we SAY, but if we don't SAY
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what we WANT, we get frustrated and say things like "Why won't this thing
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work?"
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I guess that's what school is all about. We hang around this fairly
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neat place for a few years learning how to tell the computer what we WANT
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it to do. If we tell it right, we get an A. Then, we go out and become
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employed by a person who wants us to tell HIS computer what HE wants it
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to do. If we do THAT right, we get a Porsche.
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I know a person who is getting paid to do just that. Oh, I don't
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know him personally, mind you. But he knows me. And I'm damn sure that
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his boss's computer knows me. The wonderful thing about computers is
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that they perform the same tasks repetitively within a small period of
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time, and the computer belonging to the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweep-
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stakes people is certainly no exception. And it's looping...
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You see, during the past few months, the computer at the Publishers
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Clearinghouse has sent no less than TEN letters to me, really. And all
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of them contain forty or fifty personal references to me, in the form of
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what their computer *thinks* my name is.
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For the record, my name is Brent Cabot James Britton, almost always
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written by me as Brent C.J. Britton. Well some slick, young Joey Cobol
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down at the old Publishers Clearinghouse must've forgotten that *some*
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people aren't happy with merely *one* middle name. Fooled ya', smartass!
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The letters I get from their computer keep refering to this guy named
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Brent Cj Britton. ("j" is in lower case for you folks reading this on a
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C64 from your bathtub.)
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It's full of "You, Brent Cj Britton could be the lucky..." and
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"...the Brent Cj Britton bank account..." and "...a check in the name of
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Brent Cj Britton..." Don't they know that "Cj" doesn't even spell any-
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thing!? It's an insult. I'd probably just throw all the letters away
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if each one didn't scream the all too familiar claim that I "may already
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have won" eleventy-zillion dollars payable to me each year until I rot.
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What a bargain!
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And all I have to do is tear this off, paste the gold seal here,
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maybe save a few bucks on a subscription to "My Saviour" or "Barbie"
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magazine by tearing the stamps out of the middle of the three-foot by
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eight-foot sheet, stick those there, slap on a postage stamp, and lay the
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whole thing on Fred the mailman next time he comes 'round my front steps.
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It's a good thing they give me a generous amount of time to do all
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this. Of course, if I'm a big enough procrastinator, and I miss the
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deadline -- puppies become dogs sooner than that -- then I can only try
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for one-half my would-be winnings. Like, I'm going to say, "Gee, I could
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wait a month and go for the five million... hmm... oh, what the hell, you
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only live once right? I'm gonna be wild and crazy and go for it ALL by
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sending in my sweepstakes TODAY!"
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Then I might end up like last years winners, Floydd and Irma Freen
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of Scarsdale Minnesota! Gee... I could be... a millionairre...
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bcJb
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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From the Bridge
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===============
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Captains Log:
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Stardate: 861016
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Commander Spock Reporting:
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Greetings and Hallucinations:
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As you may or may not have noticed, this the first issue for the Fall
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'86 term is a bit later than we would have liked it to be.
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Many of you have noticed that we were late because I have received lots
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of mail from you asking me if the greatest invention since toilet paper
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would be continuing on its nutty way this semester.
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For the answer to these and many other fascinating questions tune in
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tommorow.
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Same Nut Time.
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Same Nut station.
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Sorry, someone was talking about Batman comics while I was writing this.
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I am very happy to annouce that the magazine that you all have know to
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and goof off with will be around for this semester.
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One little problem I would like to adress is that currently we are short
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of contributions for future issues. We kind of feel like Nuts without a
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squirel. For those of you who may not know, NutWorks is more than just
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articles that Brent and I have written or dug up. NutWorks was
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conceived as being a magazine where all the Nuts on the net could share
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with the other Nuts on the net their nutty Works, hence the name
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NutWorks
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To share your very own nutty works with other nuts please send an
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original article in a plain brown wrapper (to sneak it past the
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liaisons) to either me or BRENT @ MAINE.
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HURRY AND SEND YOU ARTICLE TODAY !!!
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We reserve the right not to include any articles deemed in bad taste and
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will not return any unused articles.
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Some reflections on computer people:
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Computer people are morbid:
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Computer people work on TERMINALS.
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Computer people EXECUTE jobs.
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Computer people TERMINATE jobs.
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Computer People KILL jobs.
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Computer people get POST MORTEM (after death) DUMPS.
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Computer people never relax and let things take time:
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Computer people RUN jobs.
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Computer people HALT jobs.
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Computer people STOP jobs.
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lmf
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Debuggers song
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==================
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(written by Ben (The Happy Hacker) Horowitz.)
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(TIGQC049 at CUNYVM)
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To be sung to the tune of "Ghostbusters"
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When VM goes crash!
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And your program's gone
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Who you gonna call...
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DEBUGGERS!
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When you're out of funds
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And no one's in Temp-1
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Who you gonna call...
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DEBUGGERS!
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I ain't afraid of no bug
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I ain't afraid of no bug
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When your listing says
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"INCORRECT SYNTAX"
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Who you gonna call...
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DEBUGGERS!
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When you print it local
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But it goes to the VAX
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Who you gonna call...
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DEBUGGERS!
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I ain't afraid of no bug
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I ain't afraid of no bug
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Who you gonna call...
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DEBUGGERS!
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Put fingers on keys
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Type "BUG"
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To call...
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DEBUGGERS!
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I ain't afraid of no bug
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I hear it likes hackers
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I ain't afraid of no bug
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YEAH,YEAH,YEAH,YEAH!
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Who you gonna call...
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DEBUGGERS!
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You have bugs brother
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Freakin' bugs baby
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You better call...
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DEBUGGERS! OOOOOWWWWWW!
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Let me tell you something
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DEBUGGING MAKES ME FEEL GOOD
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I ain't afraid of no bug
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I ain't afraid of no bug
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Don't debug alone, oh no
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You better call...
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DEBUGGERS!
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When it comes through VM
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Unless you want to see it again
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I think you better call...
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DEBUGGERS! OOOOOWWWWW!
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Who you gonna call...
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DEBUGGERS!
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Who you gonna call...
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DEBUGGERS!
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LOUDER...
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DEBUGGERS!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The plate.
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=========
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In the U.S. it is possible to buy a 7-character "personalized" license
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plate describing the car or the owner. To apply, one must list 3
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choices in order of preference. If one's first choice has already
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been assigned to another driver, one gets one's second choice, etc.
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These facts and a computer system made the following possible:
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Mr. X wanted a new plate. He got the form and filled in his first two
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preferences. If these two possibilities had already been assigned to
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someone else, Mr. X didn't want a personalized plate at all, so for
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his third choice he wrote "NOPLATE".
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He got "NOPLATE" as his new personalized plate.
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At first he got mad, but he mounted it on his car anyway. Within a
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week he had received offers for over 100 dollars for this ingenius
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plate, and he began to grow partial to it. In fact, he liked it.
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His feelings changed by the end of the month, however, because by then
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Mr. X had recieved nearly a hundred parking tickets. Why? Well, any
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time a police officer spots a car missing a licence plate, he or she
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will write "NOPLATE" on the ticket/citation.
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The computer matched every single one of these with... Mr. X.
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The computer program couldn't be changed, but the ways of the parking
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guards could. So don't *EVER* order the custom plate: "NONE".
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(It would make you Mr. X the second)
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Niels Kristian Jensen <C838216@NEUVM1> & bcjb
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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(This just dropped onto my desk from a wormhole
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in from the Space-Time-Spam Continuum -- Ed.)
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Cray-7 User's Guide
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July 30, 1996
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===================
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Congratulations on your purchase of the fabulous new Cray-7
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computer. With proper care your new computer can give you many
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years of useful work and play. Just follow these simple guide-
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lines and all will be well.
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1. The new tachyonics-based CPU can be dangerous to unshielded
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organisms. Always remember to keep clear of the tachyon chamber
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when the power is on. Tachyon radiation can be hazardous to your
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age.
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2. As with all sensitive equipment, keep water and moisture out
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of the CPU and peripheral equipment.
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3. Whenever the CPU is in compute mode, stay at least seven feet
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outside the shield walls. When computing, the CPU uses computrons
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at a rate hithertofore unknown to Man. This causes a "computron
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vacuum" in the immediate vicinity. Thus the CPU may suck up the
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informational content of your DNA should you stray too close.
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4. Due to the local up-grade of the speed of light around the
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Cray-7's Virtually Infinite Associative Memory (VIAM), it is
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imperative that the computer be kept in a dark room. Strong light
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will crash the system, and can do irreparable harm to the hardware.
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5. Never put on the High-speed Analog Bionic Interface (HSABI)
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until the system has completed its automatic check-out sequence.
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When the Omniscience option is present, this can cause a positive
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Zen feedback, resulting in total psyche burnout. It should be
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avoided, except for an advanced soul under guidance.
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6. And above all, never, never feed the Cray-7 after midnight.
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Author: Brian Utterback
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Submitter: Roger Murray <cepu!ucla-an!remsit!rem@LOCUS.UCLA.EDU>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Red Tape
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========
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Dear Senator Goldblatt,
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My friend Toivo Macki, over in Kingston County, received a $1,000
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check from the Government for not raising hogs. I am now contemplating
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going into the lucrative "Not Raising Hogs" business next year.
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What I want to know is --in your opinion-- what is the best kind
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of farm not to raise hogs on? And what are the best kind of hogs not
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to raise? I would prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not
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a good breed not to raise, I will just as gladly not raise any Durocs
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or Berkshires.
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The hardest work in this business is going to be in keeping an
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inventory on just how many hogs I haven't raised.
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My friend Toivo is very joyful about the future of this business.
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He has been raising hogs for more than 62 years and the most he ever
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made was $400 in 1918, until this year, when he got a check for $1000
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for Not Raising Hogs.
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If I can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, then will I also get
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$2,000 for not raising 100 hogs, etc? I plan to operate on a small
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scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs, which means
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I will have $80,000 for not raising hogs. Then maybe I can afford
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food, a house, or maybe even a boat!
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Now another thing, these hogs that I will Not Raise will Not Eat
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100,000 bushels of corn. So, can I be paid for not raising 100,000
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bushels of corn to Not Feed the hogs i am Not Going to Raise?
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I want to get started as soon as possible, as this seems to be a
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good time of the year for Not Raising Hogs.
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Very Truly Yours,
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John Brown
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P.S. Can I raise 10 or 12 hogs on the side while I am in the
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Not Raising Hogs business, just enough to get a few sides
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of bacon to eat?
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Larry McPhillips <OTHELLO@UMUC>
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
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(The following appeared in the September 1986 issue of "SIGPLAN
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Notices" (Volume 21, number 9) -- bcjb.)
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Selecting a Programming Language Made Easy
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==========================================
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Daniel Solomon & David Rosenblueth
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Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo
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Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1
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With such a large selection of programming languages, it can be
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difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to
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evaluate the languages is a time-consuming process. On the other hand,
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most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles
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compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we
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have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable
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automobiles:
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Assembler - A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and
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expensive to maintain.
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FORTRAN II - A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road.
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FORTRAN IV - A Model A Ford.
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FORTRAN 77 - A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and
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no seat belts.
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COBOL - A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly, but it does the work.
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BASIC - A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched
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upholstry. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive.
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You'll ditch the car as soon as you can afford a new one.
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PL/I - A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-
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tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and
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fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield
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C - A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with optional
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seat belts (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to
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assembler).
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ALGOL 60 - An Austin Mini. Boy, that's a small car.
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Pascal - A Volkswagen Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once
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popular with intellectuals.
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Modula II - A Volkswagen Rabbit with a trailer hitch.
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ALGOL 68 - An Aston Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyone
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can drive it.
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LISP - An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not
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available.
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PROLOG/LUCID - Prototype concept-cars.
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Maple/MACSYMA - All-terrain vehicles.
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FORTH - A go-cart.
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LOGO - A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real
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engine and a working horn.
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APL - A double-decker bus. Its takes rows and columns of
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passengers to the same place all at the same time. But, it
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drives only in reverse gear, and is instrumented in Greek.
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Ada - An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering,
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power brakes and automatic transmission are all standard.
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No other colors or options are available. If it's good
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enough for the generals, it's good enough for you.
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Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading the
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design specification are starting to clear up.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
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And now some help with commonly used...
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COMPUTER LINGO
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==============
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(by A4422DAE at AWIUNI11)
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6502 The year you will pay off your computer...
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BASIC A programming language used to generate errors.
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CPU C3PO's mother
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|
CRASH Normal termination of a program
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|
CASSETTE DRIVE Used as paper weight after buying a floppy disk drive.
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EPROM Acronym for "Exit Program, Read Owners Manual".
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|
DIM ARRAY Stupid storage
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|
GOSUB Very fast U-Boat
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GIGO "Garbage in, Garbage out", Normal result of computer
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programs
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INPUT Statement that refuses all entries
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KEYBOARD Random arrangement of letters
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LED Long Expected Defect
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MAGAZINE PROGRAM Typesetters error trap
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NULL STRING Normal result of a seven hour sort.
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|
PROGRAMMER Knows the location of the on/off switch
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RESET Another way to terminate a four hour sort
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|
RS232 R2D2's father
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SUBROUTINE Section of a program that cannot be accessed
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TERMINAL Mental state of most programmers
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WAIT WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT TO DO ???????????
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
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George Takes up Golf
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====================
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My wife said to me, "George, it's about time you learned to play
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golf. You know, that's the game where you chase a ball all over the
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county when you're too old to chase women."
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So I went to see Jones and asked him if he could teach me how to
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|
play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls haven't you?"
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I said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda' hard to
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|
find".
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"Bring them to the club house tomorrow," he said, "and we'll tee
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off."
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"What's 'tee off"?" I asked.
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He said, "It's a golf term, and we have to 'tee off' in front of
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the club house."
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"Not for me, you can 'tee off' there if you want to, but I'll 'tee
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off' behind the barn somewhere."
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"No no," he said, "a tee is a little thing about the size of your
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little finger."
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I said, "Yes, I've got one of those".
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"Well," he said, "you stick it in the ground and stick your ball on
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top of it".
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I asked, "Do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you
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stood up and walked around."
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"You do!" he said. "You're standing up when you put your ball on
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the tee". Well folks, I thought that was stretching things a little
|
|
bit too far, and I said so.
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He said, "You've got a bag haven't you?"
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"Sure!" I said.
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He asked, "Can't you open the bag and take one out?"
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I said, "I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to!" He
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|
asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him, "No, I had
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the old fashioned type". Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my
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club. Well, I told him that after fifty years I should have *some*
|
|
sort of an idea!
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He said, "You take your club in both hands". (Folks, I knew right
|
|
then and there that he didn't know what he was talking about.) Then
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he said, "You swing it over your shoulder!"
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"No no, that's not me," I said, "that's my brother you're talking
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about".
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He asked me, "How do you hold your club?"
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I said, "In two fingers." He said that wasn't right and got behind
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|
me, and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn't
|
|
catch me there because I didn't put four years in the Navy for
|
|
nothing!
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He said, "You hit the ball with your club, and it will soar and
|
|
soar". I said I could well imagine! Then he said, "And when you're
|
|
on the green..."
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"What's a green?" I asked.
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"That's where the hole is," he said.
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"Sure you're not color blind?" I asked.
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"No!" he said. "Then you take your putter..."
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|
"What's a putter?" I asked. He said that was the smallest club
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|
made.
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"Well then," I said, "that's what I've got, a putter!"
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"...and with it," he said, "you put your ball in the hole".
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|
"You mean the putter." I corrected.
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|
He said, "The ball! The hole isn't big enough for the putter.
|
|
Then after you make the first hole you go on to the next seventeen."
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He wasn't talking to me. After two holes I'm shot to hell.
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|
"You mean", he said, "you can't make eighteen holes in one day?"
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|
"Hell no," I says, "it takes me eighteen days to make *one* hole!
|
|
Besides, how do I know when I'm at the eighteenth hole?" He said,
|
|
"The flag will say so."
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|
That would be just my luck, so I said to HELL with golf.
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|
Dave Crowley
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|
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
|
|
reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy god mother
|
|
appears in front of her and informs her that she can have any three
|
|
wishes she wants.
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|
|
|
"Well," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
|
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|
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turned to solid gold.
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|
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young beautiful princess."
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|
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|
*** POOF *** she turns into a young beautiful woman.
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|
|
|
"Your third wish?", asked the fairy godmother.
|
|
|
|
Just then the old woman's cat walks across the porch in front of them
|
|
"Can you change him into a handsome prince?", she asks.
|
|
|
|
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than she
|
|
she had ever imagined possible.
|
|
|
|
With a smile that makes her kness weak, he then saunters across the
|
|
porch and whispers in her ear,
|
|
|
|
"Aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
|
|
|
|
lmf
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Issue 013, (Volume III, Number 2). October, 1986.
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