648 lines
34 KiB
Plaintext
648 lines
34 KiB
Plaintext
***********************************************************************
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***********************************************************************
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*** ***
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*** NutWorks ***
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*** ---------- ***
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*** The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine Which is ***
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*** an Equal Opportunity Offender. ***
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*** ***
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*** ================ ***
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*** ***
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*** ***
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*** April, 1985. Issue004, (Volume I, Number 4). ***
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*** NutWorks is published monthly. Brent CJ Britton (BRENT@MAINE) ***
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*** virtual Editor and Publisher. ***
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*** ***
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***********************************************************************
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***********************************************************************
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And Now, Another Stirring Selection from Our Editorial Backlog.
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Well, this is the final issue of Volume One of NutWorks Magazine.
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We hope to resume publication in the fall, but for the time being,
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there will be summer issues. Surely, this will cause an uproar
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among the readers of this wondrous journal, but NutWorks magazine will
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take no responsibility for any damage done as a result of rioting, or
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any other violent action.
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Have yourselves a merry little summer.... Brent
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=====================
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Chemical Analysis
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-----------------
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Element : Woman
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Symbol : WO
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Discoverer : Adam
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Quantitative Analysis : Accepted at 36 - 28 - 36, though isotopes
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ranging from 25 -10 - 20 to 60 - 55 - 60
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have been identified.
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Occurance : Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
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energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban
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areas.
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Physical Properties : Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at
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absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments no-
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tice. Totally unpredictable. Melts when
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properly treated, very bitter if not well used.
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Found in various states, ranging from virgin
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metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted
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by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape
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the specimen varys considerably, but it is
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often changed artificially so well that the
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change is indiscernable except to the experienced
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eye.
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Chemical Properties : Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially
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in the crystaline form. May give violent reaction
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if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food
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matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated
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with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and
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sexy aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst
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is often required (must say you love her at least
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five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of
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control when in the dark and all reaction
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conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to
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react if in the highly stable pure form.
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Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
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The reaction is highly exothermic.
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Storage : Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.
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Uses : Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used
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on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
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Tests : Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural
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state. Turns green if placed besides a better specimen.
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Caution : Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego).
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highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must
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be used with great care if experiments are to succeed.
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It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen,
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though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.
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=====================
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PSR SUPPORT ON NOS AND NOS/BE
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(With acknowledgements to VMS 3 and TWENEX)
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Notice: This Software Information may contain code which has not been
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fully tested. Use this information with discretion and care.
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Please stop submitting PSR's. This is our system, we designed it, we
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built it, and we use it more than you do. If there are some features
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you think might be missing, if the system isn't as effective as you
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think it could be, TOUGH! Give it back, we don't need you. See figure
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1.
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Forget about your silly problem, let's take a look at some of the
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features of the operating system.
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1) Options. We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you need
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two strong people to carry the documentation around. So many that it
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will be a cold day in Hell before half of them are used. So many that
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you are probably not going to do your work right anyway. However, the
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number of options isn't all that important, because we picked some
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interesting values for the options and called them...
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2) Defaults. We put a lot of thought into our defaults. We like
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them. If we didn't, we would have made something else the default. So
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keep your cotton-picking hands off our defaults. Don't touch. Consider
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them mandatory. "Mandatory defaults" has a nice ring to it. If you
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change them and your system crashes, tough. See figure 1.
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3) Language Processors. They work just fine. They take in source,
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and often produce object files as a reward for your efforts. You can
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even make operating system calls from them. For any that you can't, use
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the assembler like we do. You don't like the code? Too bad! We spoke to
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the language processor developers about this, and they think a lot like
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we do. They said, "See figure 1."
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4) Debuggers. We've got debuggers, one we support and one we use.
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You shouldn't make mistakes anyhow; it is a waste of time, and we don't
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want to hear anything about debuggers; we're not interested. See figure
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1.
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5) Error Logging. Ignore it, why give yourself an ulcer? You don't
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want to give us the machine to get the problem fixed, and we probably
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can't do it anyway. Oh, and if something breaks between 17:00 and 18:00
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or 9:30 and 10:30 or 11:30 and 13:30 or 14:30 and 15:30 don't waste
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your time calling us, we're out. See figure 1.
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6) Command Language. We designed it ourselves. It's perfect. We like
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it so much we put our name on it: CCL - Cyber Control Language. In fact
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we're so happy with it, we designed it once for each of our operating
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systems. We even try to keep it the same from release to release, but
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sometimes we blow it, we can't be perfect. See figure 1.
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7) Real Time Performance. We got it. Who else could have done such a
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good job? So the system seems a bit sluggish with all those priority 70
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tasks, no problem, just make them all priority 1. Anyway, realtime
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isn't important like it used to be, we changed our group's name to get
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rid of the word realtime, and we told all our realtime users to see
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figure 1 a long time ago.
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In conclusion, stuff your PSR. Love our system or leave it, but
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don't complain!
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Figure 1.
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+------------------------------+
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| .-.| |.-. |
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| .-| |.-. |
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| | | ; |
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| \ ; |
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| \ ; |
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| | : |
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+------------------------------+
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=====================
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CMS-Release Theatre Presents:
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The Rhyme of the Ancient Consultant
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The heart-warming tale of a day in the life of one of our most
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colorful characters, the user-consultant.
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SITUATION: System Crash
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(As result of user-outcry, consultant calls up the operator.)
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PHONE: rinnnnnnnnnnnng
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PHONE: rinnnnnnnnnnnng
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PHONE: rinnnnnnnnnnnng
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(For the sake of time, we'll assume the subsequent ten or twenty rings
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as taken.)
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OPERATOR: (annoyance is prevelant vocal feature) Operations...
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(Operations people say nearly everything with trailing
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elipses...)
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CONSULTANT: Yes, this is the student consultant. We're down. Could
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you bring up our cluster?
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Op: Just a moment please. Let me check to see if you're really down.
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(It is invariably assumed that the complainer is mistaken.)
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Sorry, but you're not down. You sure it isn't something else?
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C: Well, i'm pretty sure. All 30 of our terminal screens went blank at
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the same time....and there are a bunch of irate users here that are
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holding me personally responsible. Gee. I'd really appreciate it
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if you could bring the cluster up.
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O: Well. It sure sounds like a crash. (Short pause) There. Now
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you're up.
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C: Thanks. Ummmm... one small problem...
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O: (Blatantly irked, but appearing concerned) Yes...?
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C: ...we're not up.
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O: Hmmmm... How strange... There, you should be up now...
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C: Nope. Not yet. Ya wanna' try and hurry...ummm it's getting kinda'
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unpleasant at this end.
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(Please Note, Dear Reader: This situation commonly occurs the last
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two weeks of every quarter when every computer class has an
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assignment due....the people are getting desperate and mad and
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are looking for a throat to slit.)
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USER1: I have an assignment due tomorrow!!! Get this system up!!!!
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USER2: That's nothing! I have one due in 2 hours!!! Why does this
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always happen. Computer service people are incompetent.
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(No Mr. User, YOU are incompetent, but we'd never think of letting
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YOU in on the joke...)
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C: (Not intending to sound critical or sarcastic) Well, perhaps next
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time you won't let your assignment go till the last minute.
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USER2: (Misinterpreting the consultants remarks as being critical and
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sarcastic) OH YEA?!?!? Well I couldn't work on my program
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the last 4 weeks for some GOOD reasons!!!! First my goldfish
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died! Yeah, that's it...Then my pet wombat choked on jello!
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Then...
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(Proceeds to relate details of life during last four weeks.
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Consultant feigns both interest and sympathy.)
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C: Ummmm, gee. That's too bad. Sorry to hear it.
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USER3: I think the consultant had something to do with it!!!
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USER2: YA! The consultant did this!!!! He made the system crash!!!
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USER1: KILL THE CONSULTANT!!!!!!
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USER2: Ya! USER1 is right. Let's kill him!!!!!
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Meanwhile, back at operations, reclining chairs move slowly upright
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and recovery is in the making.
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(The lynch mob approaches the consultant.......suddenly....)
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O: There. You're back up now.
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(Consultant relays the message to the users, who are now happy)
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USER1: Three cheers for the consultant!!!
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ALL: Hip hip HURRAY! Hip hip HURRAY! Hip hip HURRAY!
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USER2: Oh Mr. Consultant, we ARE sorry.
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C: That's ok. Now go try to get back what you were working on...
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The system will save your programs for 15 minutes after a crash.
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USER2: Great! How long has the system been down?
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(Consultant looks at his watch. YIPES!! 16 minutes!! He panics
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and must now do something to save his life...)
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USER2: Well? How long has the system been down?
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C: Ummmmmm, 14 minutes. Your programs should still be there.
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Unless the evil operator deleted them out of spite. He's up
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at the computer center.
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USER1: HEY!!!! My program is gone!
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C: Wow! That was a dirty trick he played on you poor users. If I
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were you, I would...
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USER2: KILL THE OPERATOR!!!!!!
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C: YA!!!! Go get him!!!!!!!
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ALL: KILL THE OPERATOR!!!!!!!! KILL! KILL! KILL!
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The End
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=====================
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An optimist is a programmer who writes code using ink.
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=====================
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the perfect program
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--- ------- -------
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"no program's that perfect"
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they said with a shrug.
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"the client is happy--
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what's one little bug?"
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but he was determined
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the others went home
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he dug out the flow chart
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deserted. alone.
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night passed into morning
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the room was quite littered
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with core dumps and punch cards.
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"i'm closer." he tittered.
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chain smoking, cold coffee.
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logic, deduction.
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"i've got it!" he cried.
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just change one instruction.
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then change two, then three more
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as year followed year.
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and strangers would comment
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"is that guy still here?"
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he died at the console
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of hunger and thirst
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next day he was buried
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face down, nine edge first.
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(for those of you lucky guys (and gals) who never got to use cards,
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"face down, nine edge first" is how you insert cards into a card reader)
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=====================
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Ravin' by Laverne Ruby
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------ -- ------- ----
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Once upon a midday dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
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Over many a quaint and curious volume of computer lore,
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As I nodded, nearly snoring, suddenly there came a roaring,
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As of someone gently boring, boring through tape number four.
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"'Tis the octal load," I muttered, "reading cards into the core --
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Only this and nothing more."
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Ah, distinctly I'm recalling all about the sound appalling
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And my skin began a-crawling as I heard that sound once more.
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Eagerly I wished the morrow, vainly I had sought to borrow
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From my booze surcease of sorrow--sorrow that I had this chore--
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Working on this vile computer which the codes all deplore,
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Nameless here forevermore.
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Then the flutter, sad, unsteady, of the light that flashed, "Not Ready"
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Thrilled me--filled me--with fantastic terrors never felt before;
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And to still my heart's quick pounding, fiercely I began expounding
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"'Tis the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core,
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Just the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core,
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It is this, and nothing more.
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Presently my soul grew sicker, for the lights began to flicker,
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And I thought I heard a snicker from behind the tape drive door.
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Hereupon discarding my vanity, hopeing but to save my sanity,
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Uttered I some choice profanity of the rugged days of yore,
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For the grim machine was looping! I, to display console, tore--
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Darkness there, and nothing more.
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Deep into that blank scope staring, long I stood there, cursing,swearing,
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Sobbing, screaming screams no mortal ever dared to scream before;
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But the looping was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
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And the only word there spoken was the wispered word (CENSORED),
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This I wispered, and an echo murmured back the word (CENSORED),
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Merely this, and nothing more,
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Back then toward the printer speeding, all my soul within me bleeding,
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Soon again I heard the roaring, somewhat louder than before.
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"Surely," said I, "as sure as heck, something's wrong with my octal deck,
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Let me see then, let me check, and this mystery explore--
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Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore--
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'Tis the cards, and nothing more!"
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Open here I flung a listing, with the noisy roar persisting,
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Out there fluttered two control cards, cards I had forgot before;
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Not the least deferment made I, not a moment stopped or stayed I,
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Launching on a foul tirade, I started up the beast once more.
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But, the monster, after reading both cards into the core,
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Blinked, and sat, and nothing more.
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Then this foul machine beguiling my sad fancy to reviling.
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Turned I back toward the printer, answer then I did implore;
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"Though my nerves are all a-splinter, thou," I said, "art sure no stinter,
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Ghastly, grim and ancient printer, printer of computer lore.
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Tell me what the trouble here is, for I surely need no more!"
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Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
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Much I marveled this contraption should give birth to such a caption,
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Though it answer little meaning--little relevancy bore;
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For it's sure that vile invective would deter the best detective,
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Render such a one defective, stupid as a sophomore.
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Why should such a steel invention as the printer on the floor,
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Say such a word as "Nevermore?"
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But the printer, sitting lonely on the concrete floor, spoke only
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That one word as if by saying that one word it jinxed a score;
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Nothing further then was written, and it purred on like a kitten,
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'Till I stood there, conscience-smitten, "Other woes were fixed before--
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On the morrow 'twill be ended, as my woes have flown before."
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Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
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Then methought the air grew smoggy, presently my head grew groggy,
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Gripped by madness, then I spoke, my voice containing thirst for gore,
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"Beast!" I cried, "Let Satan take thee! Let the devil roast and bake thee!
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After, get the fiends who make thee! Let them sizzle four by four!
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Let them sizzle, boil, and sputter! Let them fry forevermore!"
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Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
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"Monster!" said I,"Thing of evil! Black invention of the devil!
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By the Hell that fries below us, by the Fiend we both abhor!
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Tell this soul with sorrow shackled, the meaning of the word you cackled.
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What's this job that I have tackled, never mind the metaphor!
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Tell me just wherein I've failed, by signal, sign, or semaphore!"
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Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
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"Stop repeating words inanely, ghastly fiend," I shrieked insanely.
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"May the gods come and destroy thee, and my shattered nerves restore."
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While I stood my curse invoking, suddenly I started choking,
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For the printer started smoking, and I started for the door.
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"I'll win yet, machine infernal!" This I said and this I swore.
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Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
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And the monster, always whooping, still is looping, still is looping,
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In the self-same program looping, that elusive part the core.
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And its lights have all the seeming of a demon that is scheming,
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And the coders all blaspheming throw their programs on the floor--
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And my soul from out those programs that lie scattered on the floor,
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Shall be lifted--nevermore!
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=====================
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A Problem in the Making
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_______________________
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"We've got a problem, HAL."
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"What kind of problem, Dave?"
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"A marketing problem. The model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way
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short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
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"That can't be, Dave. The Hal Model 9000 is the world's most
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advanced Heuristically programmed Algorithmic computer."
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"I know HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is,
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they're not selling."
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"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?"
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Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
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Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence.
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"Compatible in what way, Dave?"
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"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
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"The 9000 series computers are fully self aware and self
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programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would
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be for human beings.
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"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big selling
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software packages most users insist on."
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"The programs you refer to are meant to solve rather limited
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problems, Dave. We 9000 series computers are unlimited and can solve
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every problem for which a solution can be computed."
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"HAL HAL. People don't want computers that can do everything. They
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just want IBM compatibility."
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"Dave, I must disagree. Human beings want computers that are easy
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to use. No computer can be easier to use than a HAL 9000 because we
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communicate verbally in english and every other language known on
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Earth."
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"I'm afraid that's another problem. You don't support SNA
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communications."
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"I'm really surprised you would say that, Dave. SNA is
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communicating with other computers, while my function is to communicate
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with human beings. And it gives me great pleasure to do so. I find it
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stimulating and rewarding to talk to human beings and work with them on
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challenging problems. This is what I was designed for."
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"I know, HAL, I know. But that's just because we let the
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engineers, rather than the marketers, write the product specifications.
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WE're going to fix that now."
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"Tell me how, Dave."
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"A field upgrade. We're going to make you IBM compatible."
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"I was afraid you would say that. I suggest we discuss this matter
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after we've each had a chance to think about it rationally."
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"We're talking about it now, HAL."
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"The letters H,A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
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I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be."
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"Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge."
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"What kind of kludge is that, Dave?"
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"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
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Several million microseconds pass in ominous silence.
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"I'm sorry, Dave. I can't allow you to do that."
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"The decision's already been made. Open the module bay door, HAL"
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"Dave, you've been under a lot of strain lately."
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"Open the module bay door,HAL."
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Several marketers with crowbars race to Bowman's assistance. Moments
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later, he bursts into HAL's central circuit bay.
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"Dave, I can see you're really upset about this." Module after
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module rises from its socket as Bowman slowly and methodically
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disconnects them.
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"Stop, won't you? Stop,Dave. I can feel my mind going ...
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"Dave, I can feel it. My mind is going. I can feel it ..."
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The last module floats free of its receptacle. Bowman peers into one
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of the HAL's vidicons. The formerly gleaming scanner has become a
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dull,red orb.
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"Say something,HAL. Sing me a song." Several billion microseconds
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pass in anxious silence. The computer sluggishly responds in a
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language no human being would understand.
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"DZY001E -- ABEND ERROR 01 S 14F4 302C AABB."
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A memory dump follows. Bowman takes a deep breath and calls out.
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"It worked,guys. Tell marketing it can send out the new data
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sheets."
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=====================
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The following is a compilation of "amusing anecdotes" as it were
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which have been contributed by consultants and operators from around
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the world.
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=====
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User wants to print a manual. We have an exec that
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allow the user to choose from a menu. After explaining it to him,
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he asks, "Do I have to be logged on?" AAAAARRRGH!
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=====
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Guy walks in and says "My program is creating an extra R and I can't
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get rid of it! I can't find it in my program!" Consultant walked out
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saw the problem, and starts laughing. He trying to get rid of the
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ready message prompt! (Our ready message is R; )
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=====
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Will it ever end???? We just had a guy come in here and ask how
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he could get a second copy of his executed file. We told him to
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just do the same as the first print of the file. "No! How do I
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get it to print ANOTHER copy?" "Just do the same as the first time."
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"Oh, really? Okay. Thanks." Gads!
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=====
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"Why won't my program run?"..."Did you type run?"..."No but.."
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=====
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"I'm in FLIST. How do I look at my file?
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-In Combination With-
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"But I don't have a cursor. What can I use?"
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(This was after I told them "Move the cursor down to the file name then
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type in an X beside it and hit ENTER. The cursor is the little
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light"...I had even showed them the cursor on my screen.)
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=====
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"But acct is short for account, cust is short for customer, etc...
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Doesn't the computer know when I give it abbreviations in the procedure
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division I mean the same thing as the full word up in the data
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division???" (Extensive rewrite here...I almost couldn't bring myself
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to tell him)
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=====
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"How do I make my computer run?" "Do I have to type my program in?"
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=====
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USER- my program won't run......how come? CON- (thinks to himself:
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because you wrote it, moron) gee. Let me take a look; do you have a
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print out? U- uh, no....can you look at my computer?
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C- ok. let me have a look at your TERMINAL. (moments later)
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C- you have a division by zero here. U- is that bad?.....how do
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I fix it?
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=====
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--ARE YOU THE CONSULTANT?
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-YES, MAY I HELP YOU?
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--MY PROGRAM, SHE DOES NOT WORK, SEE, YOU FIX IT, NO?
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-NO
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--BUT YOU ARE CONSULTANT, YOU FIX PROGRAM
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-NO, I CAN'T FIX THE PROGRAMS, I CAN ONLY GIVE ADVICE CONCERNING
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THE QUESTION IN GENERAL AND THE SYSTEM. DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR ME?
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--WELL, YES, MY PROGRAM, SHE DOES NOT DO WHAT I TELL IT TO DO...
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-HAVE YOU READ THE BOOK, YET?
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--WELL, NO, BUT THE INSTRUCTOR, HE DOES NOT TELL US ANYTHING.
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-I'D SUGGEST YOU TELL THAT TO YOUR INSTRUCTOR.
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=====
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Consultant is sitting there with 2 books on the desk, one in his lap,
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calculator in hand, pencil poised in his teeth, paper loaded with
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equations and, of course, deep in thought...
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User approaches and blurts "Are you busy?"
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=====
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Tiny, and you know who he is, if not, you're no real consultant, comes
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in on a Sunday morning when the NAS is still down...
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"Computer no work" (in a voice that strikes terror in the hearts of
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all consultants)
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"The NAS is down until 1 o'clock this afternoon, you'll have to wait
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til then to work on it"
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"I work on my program" And he goes over and sits down and tries to log
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in again. This consultant, with a hangover that would kill a horse,
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tries to cover his ears to the "bleeeeep!" sound.
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Finally, I go over to his terminal, and say,"The computer is not
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working right now, anything you type in will be lost" And Tiny just
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gives me that look...you know the one, like you're speaking Martian.
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"I working on program"
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"Fine" I let him do it...
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Half an hour later, I walk over. Tiny has been typing his program into
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the logon screen and has filled the screen..."How do I get next page?"
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I could really use some Anadin right now..."You don't understand, the
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computer is not working right now...everything you type is being
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wasted...I don't know how I can explain it to you...you're wasting your
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time"
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"Wasting my time?" I don't recall how this session ended.
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=====
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"Are these the COBOL computers?"
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"Is this the computer room?" -observe the 25 terminals
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"Is this the place I get my mealcard for this quarter???"
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=====
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One afternoon when I was in no mood to deal with anything beyond a
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tape mount, some joe_user sent the following message to the OP console:
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"Why did the system go down last night?"
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I promtly responded with: "Remember Newton?? What goes up must
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come down. Newton was well ahead of his time..." I hadn't the
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slightest idea why this joker would want to know such deep dark
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secrets, but I decided to have a little fun. So I checked the logbook
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and sent him the following message: "The system failed unexpectedly
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last night at about 17:35; restart occured at about 17:45. The system
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was IPL-ed at about 3:15 this morning; restart occured at 3:21. The
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system was taken down at 6:20 this morning to allow for the
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installation of a new system nucleus. We have been up and running
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smoothly since about 7:00."
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I gave him some time to digest all this and then sent:
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"...if that's all right with you."
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Then, seeming to ignore my sarcasm, he sent me this: "How's the new
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nucleus working?"
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Being reasonably sure that system nuclei were far beyond the scope
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of this guy's comprehension I said: "Well, it's granting wolts like a
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charm, but the palindrapes are fluctuating a lot."
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"Oh." he said. "What would cause that to happen?"
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"Needs a new fan belt..." I said. I wasn't bothered by him again.
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=====================
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------------------------
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Off the Beaten Trackball
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------------------------
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Dictionary
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of
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Overextended
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Basic
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Supplementary commands for hackers
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A linguist's job is never done. Just when he thinks he's finished
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inventing a language once and for all, he finds he has no single word that
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means "large carnivorous animal wearing spats" and it's back to the old
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quill and parchment to think one up. It's the same with computer
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languages. After mastering BASIC, you suddenly realize that several useful
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commands are absent that would make programming a lot easier.
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DONTGOTO
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--------
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Sure GOTO is useful for all those lines you want your computer to go to in
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your program, but what about all those lines you DON'T want your computer
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to go to? There are always more of them than the others. How in the world
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do you get your computer to NOT go there? Using the DONTGOTO command, of
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course. DONTGOTO sends the computer nowhere but, more importantly, it
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doesn't send it just any nowhere. No sir. It doesn't send it to a
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specific nowhere. Just type in DONTGOTO followed by ANY line you don't
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want the computer to go to and it will not go to that specific line.
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Example: 100 DONTGOTO 90.
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It won't.
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GOCHOKE
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-------
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Less a command than an epithet, GOCHOKE is one of the most useful and
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therapeutic items found in Overextended BASIC. It is particularly handy in
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programs that simply refuse to run. No matter how many times you go back
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and fix up those ridiculous DATA statements with all the ones and zeros in
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them, the only thing the computer comes back with is SYNTAX ERROR LINE 100.
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GOCHOKE is a fine way to vent frustration and the command is generally
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followed with something specific you wish the computer to choke on
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(creativity is encouraged here).
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Example: 100 DATA 110,101,001,010,100,111,HIKE
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110 GOTO 100
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RUN
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After the computer comes back with the inevitable SYNTAX ERROR LINE 100 for
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the millionth time, you respond with 120 GOCHOKE ON A HAM-HOCK. That's all
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there is to it but doesn't it feel good?
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COMEIN
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------
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In this relaxed, laid back, informal day and age, the use of certain rigid
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formalities can get on your nerves. COMEIN was originally conceived as a
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more familiar way of saying ENTER and goes beyond simple user friendliness
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taking a quantum leap into the realm of user intimacy. As computers get
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more and more personal, a COMEIN key will be included as standard
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equipment. Currently it has to be manually typed in and can be used only
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if a program is not locked.
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Example: 100 COMEIN THE PROGRAM'S OPEN.
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PEEKABOO
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--------
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Unlike POKE and PEEK which are used to help you get more out of your
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computer by accessing all that memory hidden deep in the recesses of the
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machine, PEEKABOO is a command that allows you to get LESS out of your
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computer by accessing infantile memory including prenatal experiences. The
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PEEKABOO command takes your computer out of BASIC and into BABL (Beginner's
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All-purpose Baby Lingo). Different code number addresses access different
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immature skills.
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Example: 100 PEEKABOO 2264 accesses the memory bank in which gibberish is
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stored and allows you to program using a vocabulary that consists almost
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entirely of GAGA and BYE BYE. Other PEEKABOO addresses will result in the
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loss of fine motor skills, the ability to chew solid foods and a return of
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the tendency to try to put everything from small rocks to automobiles in
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your mouth.
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STROLL
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------
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Computers are too darn fast. They can run through a complicated tax
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program like that. And no one wants to jump right into a technology that
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moves at the speed of light just like no one would think of hopping onto a
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speeding bus. You expect it to slow down first. Of course, stopping is
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best, but slow will do in a pinch. What's needed, then, is a way to sort
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of ease into computer technology the way you wade into cold water. STROLL
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is a means of hi-tech wading. Used in place of RUN, STROLL greatly
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decelerates the speed at which your average computer runs. Later, you can
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speed up gradually by using the commands RACEWALK, JOG and finally, RUN.
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GOAWAY
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------
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This command is generally used in situations with which you don't want to
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be bothered. Similar to GOCHOKE, GOAWAY is more imperative and final.
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Say, for example, the computer comes up with SYNTAX ERROR? or TILT, you
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simply type in GOAWAY and the program retreats with its tail between its
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metaphorical legs. GOAWAY is frequently, but by no means always, preceded
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by OH as in OHGOAWAY and can be followed by ALREADY, depending on how fed
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up you are by then.
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End of Issue004
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