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26 KiB
Plaintext
652 lines
26 KiB
Plaintext
A:\Backup C:
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Bad Sector(s) on disk A:\
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File(s) Not found
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(A)bort (R)etry (G)o Insane
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Datawaste Productions
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Is
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Proud to Present:
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ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ
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ÛÛÛÛÛ°°°°°°±±±±±±²²²²²²ÛÛBAD SECTORÛÛ²²²²²²±±±±±±°°°°°°ÛÛÛÛÛ
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ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ
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°°°°°°±±±±±²²²²ÛÛIN STEREO WHERE AVAILABLE!ÛÛ²²²²±±±±±°°°°°°
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ÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜÜ
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ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛISSUE I VOLUME I SERIES I ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ
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ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß
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A feeble attempt at humor slightly related to anything
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dealing with the online community.
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STAFF
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Editor in chief and
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Sect. Of Defense candidate: Vince Lortho
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Submitting Writers:
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Don Karnage
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Mitch Tegram
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Tom Leats
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Table Of Contents:
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1. Table of Contents.
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2. Why.
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3. New Product Information.
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4. Virus Research.
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5. New Taglines.
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7. 50+ ways to Mess with your room-mate.
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8. Top-Ten List.
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9. The McDonald Story
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10. First issue complete.
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10. Word of the month.
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11. Question of the month.
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12. How to find Us.
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__________________________________________________________________
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------------------------------------------------------------------
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Note: Microsoft has made great strides in software advancement yet
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in all the advancements they have not been able to tell the
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the difference between one and greater than one.
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To test this type:
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C:\copy *.* c:\temp
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1 file(s) copied.
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Why.
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By Vince Lortho
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Why? That's a good question. Why would someone like myself who could
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be having a good life and job and family want to produce this complete
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waste of time. This magazine will cause no changes in your life.
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It will only waste time. You read through some of it and read more and
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more then when you're done you'll have wasted fifteen minutes that could
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have been spent with your children or girlfriend or boyfriend or parole
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officer. But if you're like most people who BBS and travel around the
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nets daily then fifteen minutes is nothing. You probably don't have a
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girl/boy friend anyway. If your like me you just read the easy 179k
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docs for a file that you don't need.
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Most of it is just legal doctrines and disclaimers. I found a copy of
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the Magna Carta in the docs for PKZIP 3.0 plus I found a nice little
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trojan. How many people have heard this:
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"Honey, You spend more time with that...COMPUTER than you do with me!"
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"What did you say dear?"
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Well this magazine is for you. This is the first issue so it's going
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to suck big time but then at the end I'll put a statement that says
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the next issues will be ten times better and I need authors to submit
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humor. I hope no one is offended with anything in this magazine. You
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can sue me but I doubt you'll get anything other than a computer and
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a wall of Mt. Dew cans. OK. Enough of this, you probably stopped reading
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already so who cares. Blah, blah, blah, blah....Number Nine..Number nine.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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New software developments.
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Beyond 2000: new Software developments.
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By Mitch Tegram
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BBS Programs
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BORGE BBS
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Datamaster Inc.
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1 Analretentive ave.
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Kwigillingak, AK 99210
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(800)-EXP-ENSV
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BORGE BBS is a brand new software that is rumored to be 100%
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hacker proof and has state-of-the-art security features.
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System requirements:
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Dos 6.20 or higher. 32 megs of Ram and at least a 1 megabyte disk cache.
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486DX2 processor minimum. Requires 20 nodes for installation.
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2.88 meg floppy. 1.4 Terabytes storage (just for BBS) May need additional
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space for files. 1280x1024 SVGA graphics. 65000 ISDN Blaster Modem.
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1 case Exlax and approximately 8 days for ASSIMILATION.
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Features:
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Installation:
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(Assimilation)
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Comes with automatic Floppy changer for easier installation.
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Installation features PKWare's new Compression algorithm that packs 1024
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bytes into 1 byte using vertical compression and virtual reality data.
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Software has 1245 Floppies and Is now available in a convenient CD-ROM
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format (requires 8 CD-ROM drives for minimum Operation).
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Configuration:
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BORGE features new DATALOC software ID recognition and locates all
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Programs on HD <If theres any space left>. It then verifies if they are
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registered and deletes all pirate software. Then New Assimilation(c)
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technology deletes all dos files and Installs New BORGE operating system.
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(Note: Configuration may require sysop to Major in Computer Software
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engineering for 4 years and a bachelors in Programming)
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Files:
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When files are U/l'd. to the BBS the user is required to wait while the new
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X-AMIN (c) Technology software system disassembles the file into code and
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analyzes the Hueristics of the program. Then the program is reassembled
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using new PKZips Bit smasher optimization algorithm.
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Reduces file size by 70%.
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Any user U/L'ing a dangerous file such as a Virus will receive a 70000 watt
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charge through the Phone line thus melting System into plastic door-stop.
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(Not responsible for damage to Phone Lines or international switching
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satellites or Users that are not grounded)
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In new version 1.01 the BBS determines if User needs a specific file
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and allows transmission of file if it is deemed necessary to user based
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on Logon questionnaires. This saves vital time online for People d/l
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Useless files.
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Security:
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Users, If they pass initial phase of Logon will be asked a series of
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1031 questions including SSN, Drivers License, Nationality status,
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household info, Car registration, Eat habits, height, and weight.
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It also requires the user to give other accounts and PW to other BBS's.
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The BBS will use new users Passwords and BBS numbers and call other
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BBS automatically and assess what type of board it is and examine
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users mail for possible intelligence assessment.
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Next phase will require one week waiting period where the computer
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access's FBI mainframe and preforms Full Background examination as
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well as Credit reports and Job performance. Upon verification of all
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Information the user is advanced to level 2 of authorization.
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the system transmits a laser optical recognition system to the users
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monitor (VGA required). It scans the users retina pattern and stores it.
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(Not responsible for Retina damage or Random Monitor explosions)
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Once Recognition is complete the user is required to place Hand on
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monitor using New Fingersoft technology and the fingerprints are stored.
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Additional Features are described in:
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"Cliff Notes for BORGE BBS Manuals"
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Word Processors:
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By Vince Lortho
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Geordi Laforge supplement
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for WordPerfect 6.0, Word 3.0
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and Ami-pro 3.01
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Paramount Entertainment Corp.
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1 paramount st.
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Paramount City, Ca
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90210-0213
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Price:($450-$700)
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1-800-ALL-CASH
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Overview:
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The Geordi Laforge supplement will help any user spice up ones reports.
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It is designed to manipulate text to make the average user feel more
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intelligent. It utilizes a new method called BS-THESAURUS (c) and replaces
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ordinary words with more complicated words. See below.
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"The electric passes through the circuit card and then it sends a signal to
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the electrode that causes the light to glow when the user turns on the
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computer."
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Now activate the Laforge Utility and heres the result:
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"Once the impulse from the user is sensed by the tripolymer coated switching
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system in the imbedded sensor matrix it activates the isolinear optic
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system that results in an internal tachyon discharge to the onboard nano-
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processing chip which emits EM radiation to the Electo-transthermal
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inducer that cause the gaseous core to ignite and radiate."
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As one can easily see that the second paragraph is of a higher technical
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level and will result in people taking you seriously.
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(Note: Not to be used when Reality or when facts are concerned.)
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If you have a new product you want to advertise or you made up
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something completely ludicrous and stupid then contact me on the
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the boards located at the end of the file.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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New unusual virii discovered this year so far.
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By Tom Leats
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Virus Name: Farside
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Alias: Sunday Paper virus
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V Status: Rare
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Discovery: January 1994
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Symptoms: System files missing, Dos is sometimes missing and
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reappears computer hangs and strange insects found
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dead inside computer.
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Origin: Outerspace
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Eff. Length: 1 - 10,038,323 bytes
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Detection method: Like you couldn't tell.
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Removal Instruction: Just throw computer away or send $100 to John Mcafee
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General Comments:
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The Farside Virus activates on every Sunday morning at about 8:30 a.m. and
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Images of fat children with glasses appear on monitor. System files are
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sometimes deleted and replaced with MacIntosh Files. Computer will slow
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down comparable to Tandy Color Computer with Tape Drive. Computer also
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becomes infested with talking cock-roaches and Snakes.
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Variations:
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Garfield Virus
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Same as above except that stripes are seen on monitor during Dinner hours.
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FIDO VIRUS
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By: Vince Lortho
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Virus Name: FIDO
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Alias: woof,woof; Redrover; Cajo
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V status: Research
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Discovery: Today 12:34 p.m.
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Symptoms: Computer fetches files that are deleted and displays them.
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Other symptoms see below.
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Origin: Fido_net conferences
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Eff Length: 100 - 101 bytes.
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Detection Method: Unknown.
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Removal Instructions: Shoot infected files.
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General Comments:
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The Fido Virus is extremely interesting. The virus doesn't do any actual
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Damage to the Computer except that It is impossible to delete files.
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The interesting aspect of this virus is that sends a high pitch Sound
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through the PC speaker or Sound device and causes users animals to go
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Crazy. A case in Cleveland had a Pit Bull that attacked and killed 17
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Users of an Infected BBS. Only disinfection known is to kill animals or
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tear out PC speaker and buy a bigger HD for all the files you can't
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delete.
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Variations:
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Batcall virus.
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This virus was isolated in Transilvania and causes bats to attack users
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When computer is turned on. Research is Continuing.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------
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Question: A circle has Infinite points. How many points does
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a half-circle twice as large contain?
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-------------------------------------------------------------------
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Heres some Taglines you'll want to steal. If you write a good one don't post
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it to me. I'll steal it and put it in the mag. Keep it to yourself.
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"Geordi, I cannot stun my cat."
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Is it time for a colorful Metaphor?
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8 of 10 people suffer hemorrhoids the other 2 enjoy them.
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Your proctologist called and your head is ready.
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³ºÞº³º³Û³ºÝ³ºÝ³³ <- Will "Hooked on Phonics" teach this?
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Conservative: (n) Liberal who has been mugged.
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"The answer to the Great Question is 42."
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We need safer guns and safer bullets--Josilyn Elders
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-------------------------------------------------------------
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<Place your add here.> Are you lonely and want your profile here?
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Are you a software company that wants to send me a free copy of your
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$500 software and want me and my expert staff to review it for you here.
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Mastercard/Visa/Amex/Carta Blanche/Discover/MO/Checks/Cash/Bribes/Pay-offs.
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accepted always.
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__________________________________________________________________________
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50 Ways to mess with Your Roommate
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I found this file on a local BBS. I thought it was hilarious because
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I used to do this stuff all the time and I lived alone. Feel free to let
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me know anything you have done. I added some of my own. You can tell they're
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mine because an "*" will appear before them.
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1. Smoke jimson week. Do whatever comes naturally.
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2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
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3. Twitch a lot.
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4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
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5. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk
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to them.
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6. Become a subgenus.
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7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
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8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up
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out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
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9. Speak in tongues.
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10. Move your roommate's personal effects around. Start subtly. Gradually
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work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the
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ceiling.
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11. Walk and talk backwards.
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12. Spend all your money on Jolt cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans
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in the middle of your room. Number them.
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13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If
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your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're
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more than meets the eye."
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14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
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"Casablanca") almost inaudibly.
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15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias
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on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your
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performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
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16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
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17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you
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food.
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18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it, turn it off
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when you are.
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19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple
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of weeks."
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20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can.
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21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
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pretend nothing happened.
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22. Eat glass.
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23. Smoke ball-point pens.
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24. Smile. All the time.
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26. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
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27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash
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can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and
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eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand
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that s/he reimburse you.
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28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list
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of grievances.
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29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
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30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned,
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and then look away quickly.
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31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
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32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
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33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
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34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse
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him/her of stealing them.
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35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents postage due.
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36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
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37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute then stand up.
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Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for
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three weeks.
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38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.
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Refuse to discuss them.
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39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
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40. Whenever s/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start
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with "Didja ever wonder why . . ." Be creative.
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41. Shave one eyebrow.
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42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and
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pile your dirty clothes on the empty bed frame. If your roommate comments,
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mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
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43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
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44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain
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loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
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45. Always flush the toilet three times.
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46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
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47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play
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it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that
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it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
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48. Give him/her an allowance.
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49. Listen to radio static.
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50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close
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them as soon as you wake up.
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*51. Go buy some of those little wine shots (the ones that look like
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real bottles like the ones you get on first class flights) Run around with
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them in your hands shouting "I'm a giant, I'm a giant!"
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*52. Type on your computer "All work and no play make <Your Name> a dull toy"
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10000 times.
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*53. Pick up the phone when it doesn't ring and start laughing and say
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"He'll never know what hit him." while looking at your room-mate.
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*54. Call your apartment from a payphone and ask for yourself. Do this every
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hour.
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*55. Start a cock-roach collection. Keep them in your room-mates socks.
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*56. Plant a small tree in the toilet.
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If you have one let me know.
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Heres tonight's top ten list. From David Letterman's show.
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Sorry, I'm a little behind
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Top 10 Ways To Annoy a Flight Attendant - August 26, 1992
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10. Make loud propeller noises with your mouth for duration of flight.
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9. Ask for blanket, run up and down aisle pretending to be a ghost.
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8. Giggle uncontrollably each time she says "duty free."
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7. Maintain emergency landing position for entire flight.
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6. Date her for 12 years, put her in all your movies, then start dating
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her daughter.
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5. Push call button. Ask for pancakes. Repeat.
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4. Hypnotize seat mate into not returning tray table to original and
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upright locked position.
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3. Ask whether Salisbury steak can be used as flotation device.
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2. Fill air sickness bag with coleslaw. Toss at movie screen.
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1. Keep calling her "Mommy."
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_______________________________________________________________________
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THE MCDONALD STORY
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By Don Karnage.
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I went into a McDonald the other day, peckishly famished. At the register
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stood a bored looking young man. "Give me one of those." I said, pointing at a
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colorful picture on the menu board that showed a burger of some sort.
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"Sir, I'm afraid you're going to have to leave your dog outside." he said,
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eyeing King, my beautiful German Shepard/Rottweiler.
|
||
|
||
"Nonsense." I said. "I'll do no such thing. He's a loyal friend and besides,
|
||
he is hungry as well." The kid eyed King again, looked back up at me, and
|
||
went to get his manager. "Ahhh!" I thought. Good idea. Surely the manager
|
||
would know what to do.
|
||
|
||
To my horror, the manager kindly (but rather sternly) informed me that dogs,
|
||
(unless they were seeing eye dogs) were not allowed in the restaurant. I
|
||
told him, that, as a visitor to this country and a gentleman, I understood
|
||
his delemmia, but asked if he could look the other way just this once.
|
||
|
||
My British charm had no power here. He repeated that I was to leave the dog
|
||
outside. "The only dog I see." I countered, "Is you, and that damned boy you
|
||
call an employee!", and, leaping over the counter, I grabbed the man by his
|
||
tie and told him about manners and the treatment of guests in this country.
|
||
I received my food about half an hour later.
|
||
|
||
I had just about finished half of my sandwich before the police arrived.
|
||
"Damnation!" I cried, "Police that carry guns! Cowards!" I called to King
|
||
to attack one of them, whereupon one of the policeman pulled a gun and shot
|
||
King dead. I was escorted directly to jail, released after 2 days on a
|
||
thousand dollar bond, and was fined five thousand dollars.
|
||
|
||
Now I ask: Is this the kind of thing we well groomed Brits can expect from
|
||
you colonist savages?
|
||
_____________________________________________________________________
|
||
Story Written by Don Karnage. Don is an eccentric psychopath that
|
||
has decided to stalk the BBS scene and cause general mayhem. Other
|
||
than that he is a Teacher at a local nursery school and a Moonie.
|
||
He is sometimes mistaken as a lemur. 01-21-94 19:23 hours
|
||
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
First Issue.
|
||
The first issue is complete. I am satisfied with the outcome even though it
|
||
stunk. It will be tens time better in the next issues and As long as people
|
||
send me humor it will continue to be your favorite publications.
|
||
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
Word of the Month.
|
||
|
||
°±±²² TETRAHYMENA ²²±±°
|
||
Use this word in a sentence you would have with a priest.
|
||
The most Creative sentence will be posted next month.
|
||
|
||
_______________________________________________________________________
|
||
Question of the Month.
|
||
|
||
What are the lyrics to the Star trek theme in the old series?
|
||
|
||
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
||
|
||
So you want send me mail, a comment, death threats, Dead animals in shoe
|
||
boxes or anything else. We cannot return anything unless you send us a
|
||
SASE with a reason why. Make sure the words "permission to reprint" on
|
||
anything you want posted. I will answer all data mail and most parcel mail.
|
||
I forgot to pay my PO box so I don't have my address up yet. No wonder
|
||
I haven't been getting any mail lately.
|
||
I do not have an internet account yet so hold tight internet users.
|
||
If The account isn't set up yet on a certain board then its the sysops
|
||
fault. Call a better board.
|
||
|
||
Places I can be reached:
|
||
|
||
Board Phone number: My account:
|
||
Wolverines lair (513)422-9652 USR HST DS Elric
|
||
|
||
CCS (513)424-2495 Boca 14.4 Bad Sector
|
||
|
||
Hole (513)420-9917 (node 1) Elric
|
||
(513)420-9841 (node 2)
|
||
(513)420-9956 (node 3)
|
||
|
||
J&J's BBS (513)233-0917 (5 lines) Bad Sector
|
||
|
||
|
||
Personal Payphone (513)743-9324 Ask for Piss Boy
|
||
or COCOT:
|
||
|
||
You can find me anywhere else as Elric.
|
||
I often dress up like My Hamster and hang out
|
||
at K-mart. So come and get a good buy.
|
||
|
||
If you give over $100.00 donations I will write a two page
|
||
Add-on how much of a great person you are and give you a floppy disk
|
||
Chock full o' Bad Sectors.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Disclaimer
|
||
----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to
|
||
real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where
|
||
prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank
|
||
number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment.
|
||
Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not
|
||
use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be
|
||
paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. This is not an offer to
|
||
sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for
|
||
some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For
|
||
recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age.
|
||
If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable
|
||
parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to
|
||
change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage
|
||
necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes
|
||
acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size
|
||
fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of
|
||
non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the
|
||
forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use
|
||
only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox.
|
||
Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will
|
||
not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing.
|
||
Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not
|
||
responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages
|
||
resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At
|
||
participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use.
|
||
See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do
|
||
not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate.
|
||
Your cancelled check is your receipt. Add tonier. Place stamp here. Avoid
|
||
contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is
|
||
properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher
|
||
west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not
|
||
eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some
|
||
questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to insure
|
||
prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for
|
||
this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped
|
||
in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only
|
||
in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Replace with
|
||
same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here
|
||
if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not
|
||
include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children.
|
||
Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No
|
||
solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise
|
||
specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two
|
||
alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before
|
||
digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned
|
||
in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record
|
||
additional transactions on back of previous stub.
|
||
|
||
This supersedes all previous notices.
|