317 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
317 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
A
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N ABL's Barney Must Die Newsletter
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T Issue #1
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I
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B A R N E Y
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L ABL- "A group of people united
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E in a single goal. Be
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A scared Barney. We have
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G a mandate from the people
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U and GOD almighty!"
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E (tm)(R)
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I hate Barney!
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I hate Barney!
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I hate Barney!
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-- From the bestselling "Mantra for a New Age: A World Without
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Barney"
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"Barney is more insidious than Dianetics!" -- Gumby, '60s animation star
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Welcome to the first issue of the Anti-Barney League's Barney
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Must Die Newsletter. It is time that we must unite agaist a terrible
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force that is covering our nation like a dark cloud. Barney is evil.
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Barney and his Backyard gang are out to take over the minds of kids, so
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that after the seed of Barney is planted in their brains, they will
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more willingly accept a kind and gentle DICTATORSHIP, by a man in
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a purple rubber suit. This problem will just grow unless we do some
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thing about it. Dinosaurs can't be citizens anyways, so let's send
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him to Costa Rica.
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We will be compiling stations that broadcast the Barney smut,
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so we can petition them to put on some quality programing.
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-Aaron Anderer
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From: System Ninja <szebra!nocturne.boulder-creek.ca.us!raven>
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Organization: "The Enclave" -- Boulder Creek, California
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Our story so far...
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Waffle VOTE Booth, v1.1.4, mwallis@clubzen.fidonet.org
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To save humanity from (evil) aliens, you must watch a Barney videothon:
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1) Just kill me now. .............................................. 1
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2) Wouldn't you rather just severely butt-love me? ................ 1
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3) I didn't know anyone else called their penis "Barney" .......... 1
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4) Vampires don't do dat, homie.................................... 1
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5) "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned... BUT BARNEY???!"......... 1
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6) Maybe they're friendly aliens....?.............................. 2
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7) I respond by killing Barney to impress Jodi Foster.............. 1
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-------------
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raven@nocturne.boulder-creek.ca.us ..scruz.ucsc.edu!nocturne!raven
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"The Enclave" -- Boulder Creek, California -- +1 408 338-9754
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From: szebra!cruzio.santa-cruz.ca.us!metraton (metraton)
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These are two articles I posted on rec.humor. The response was
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disturbingly small. Barney, it seems, has eaten everyones brains.
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---------------------------------------------------*-----------------------
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On PBS there is a show called "Barney and his Friends" (check your
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local listings). Basically, it concerns a group of irritating small
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children and a purple toy dinosaur named "Barney" who comes to life and
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sings songs of a pro-social nature. Of particular note is "The I Love You
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Song", sung to the tune of "This Old Man", slowed to a dirge-like tempo:
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I love you.
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You love me.
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We're a happy family.
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With a great big hug,
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And a kiss from me to you,
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Won't you say you love me too?
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Believe me, it's really eerie. Now, the fact of Barney's existence on
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this show is written off as "imagination". But supposing it isn't?
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JUST WHAT IS BARNEY, ANYWAY?
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Supposedly, Barney is just some guy in a big foam rubber dinosaur suit.
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Several things about this theory don't add up, however. Barney has full
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mobility, for one thing.
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Remember Big Bird? Did you ever notice how only one of his hands ever
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did anything and the other was always clutching his stomach like he
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was about to puke up gizzard stones? That's because Big Bird was a guy in
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a suit. That other hand was OPERATING HIS BEAK.
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Barney, however, has two fully functional arms, a working mouth, and
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LARGE, MOVING COW-LIKE EYES. If that's a man in there, he's no ordinary
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man. (Plus, he's repeatedly demonstrated the ability to leap in the air
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a CLICK HIS HEELS. Any NORMAL human would sweat like a cheese trying
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stunts like that.)
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If he's not a human, what is it? Let's speculate, shall we?
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1) He's a real dinosaur.
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Possibly. Although resemblance to any known fossil remains is
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questionable, the geological record is far from complete. Since Barney is
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apparently warm-blooded, this would support current revisionist
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paleontological theory. (The singing ability is a new twist, however.)
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And how would we know if dinosaurs were purple or not? On the other hand,
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while he is built along the lines of a carinvore (Family Tyrannosauridae)
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his teeth seem those of a herbivore, or at best, an omnivore. Assuming
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those are teeth.
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2) He's some evil supernatural entity posing as a warm, cuddly parent
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figure in order to train young children to be his unholy army of ultimate
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darkness.
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You know, the more I think about this one, the more likely it seems. Look
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at the facts. Kids LOVE him, and no one knows why. Adults think he's
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really creepy. Obviously, there are unclean forces at work here. The way
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to test this out would be to confront the fiend with a crucifix.
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3) He's a space alien.
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This would explain a lot. Barney, as a xenomormorph, might have access
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to all sorts of technology that we couldn't even begin to comprehend:
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hypnosis beams, holographic projectors, even large-scale matter
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re-assemblers. All of theses could account for the "powers of
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imagination" as depicted on the show. As for his motives and purpose,
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see above.
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HOW DO WE STOP BARNEY?
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Notice I waste no time asking if Barney SHOULD be stopped. Of COURSE
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he should be stopped. It's a given. But how?
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1) Wait for him to go away.
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Most media darlings eventually do this. However, we can't afford to take
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chances. Our children's BRAINS are at stake.
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2) Stuff a chicken and rock salt in his mouth, then sew his lips shut.
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You could, in fact, fit several chickens in there.
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3) Find out where his power supply is and unplug him.
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If he's a space alien, he may well be a robot. Let's hope he doesn't
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have a breeder reactor in his tail. (Now that I think of it, he probably
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gets his power from...The Children's Television Workshop. Cut their
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funding!)
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4) Stop believing in him.
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Scoff if you will. It worked with my boss at the car wash.
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Anyway, I'm open to suggestions. If you think you know WHAT Barney
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is, or HOW to destroy him, let us know. Until there's an
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alt.barney.die.die.die we'll confine ourselves here. And remember, you
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won't get your kids back until Barney is dead.dead.dead.
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--
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********************************************************************************
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We are dealing with forces well within our comprehension.
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metraton@cruzio.santa-cruz.ca.us
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Recently, I posted an article where I postulated that Barney the Dinosaur
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perhaps was not what he seemed to be, but was,in fact, some evil being bent
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on taking over the minds of children everywhere. The Great Unwashed scoffed
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at my warnings.
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Well, Barney the Dinosaur is still amongst us, brainwashing hapless
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children, and YOU just SIT there at your terminal chuckling at my so-called
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"madness". But listen. There's still time to put an end to his evil Jurassic
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schemes.
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I've done some research and it's clear to me that Barney is some kind of
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malignant supernatural force that has invaded a toy stuffed dinosaur. With
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that in mind, let's discuss how he can be destroyed.
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Surveillence shows that there are two principal Barney modes. There's
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the "Sentient Mode", where he is a six-foot tall fuzzy purple saurian who
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moves around freely and talks and sings like an brain damaged castrati.
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Then there is the "Toy Mode", where he appears to be a small stuffed version
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of himself. (NOTE: Neither of these is Barney's true form. As a creature of
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darkness, he can take on any form he chooses. In truth, he probably looks
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a lot like Mick Jagger. Doesn't sing like him, though.)
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So. Let's say you happen to see this toy Barney, just sitting there in
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a swing made from an old Uniroyal. Do you pull out your handy M-16 and pump
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him full of hot lead, screaming "DIE, YOU UNHOLY SPAWN OF SATAN! DIE DIE
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DIE!" No. You do not. This will only make him angry. If you're LUCKY he will
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only suck out your soul like soup through a straw.
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We are dealing with a SUPERNATURAL Creature here. Don't assume that just
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because he LOOKS like a fuzzy harmless doll that he IS a fuzzy hamless doll.
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In toy form he will be constantly on his guard, whereas in active mode he
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thinks himself invunerable. And THAT shall be his downfall.
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You will need the standard tools: Garlic, a crucifix, an iron rod, a Tammy
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Faye record, stuff like that. Keep them ready at all times in case of random Ba
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rney
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encounters.
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If by some chance you DO encounter The Hellspawn in active mode, take
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these steps:
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*DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!*
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His eyes have power. He uses them to possess people. If you gaze too long
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upon his countenance, you will be HIS, body and soul. The effect isn't
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as obvious on T.V., at least not with adults. In person, however....
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Well, just wear a welding mask.
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*DO NOT LET HIM SING TO YOU!*
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For one thing, he's a BAD singer, and he steals his riffs. The real
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danger comes, however, from the seductive quality of his Song Of
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Entrapment:
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I love you....
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Etc...
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Etc...
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Won't you say you love me too?
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If you DO say you love him, or worse, sing the next verse, then he OWNS
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your soul and all its accessories. And we'll have to kill you too.
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*ACT CASUAL.*
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Lull him into a false sense of security. Pretend you want an autograph
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for your nephew. If you're especially skillful, you can get him to sign
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an agreement to leave mortals alone for all eternity. (NOTE: Your pen
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MUST be filled with blood for this to work.) While he is not really
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likely to fall for a cheap stunt like this, it's certainly worth a try,
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unless you're worried about him sucking up your soul like jello through
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a Hoover. Which he'll do.
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*DESTROY HIM.*
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Don't worry. If you've done everything right he won't suspect a thing.
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The following methods will certainly annilihate most creatures of
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darkness:
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1) Poke him gently in the ribs with a crucufix, saying "Hey? Hey? Hey?
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Big fella?"
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2) Blow pepper at him. Have a priest ready to say "Bless you," when he
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sneezes. Stand well back, so as not to get Barney-bits all over you.
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3) Blow his face off with a flare gun. Still got that welding mask on?
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4) Cancel his show. (NOTE: You'd better be a PBS executive. Otherwise
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he'll suck out your soul like bilge through a pump.)
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5) Ask yourself. How would "MacGyver" handle this?
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6) Decapitate him with a silver sword, on sacred ground, under a 3-D
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picture of Jesus, while drinking a glass of holy water FROM THE FAR
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SIDE OF THE GLASS, with a bag over your head, while singing "Amazing
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Grace", in a month with a "K" in it. (Note: The sword MUST be blessed
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by His Holiness the Pope. Otherwise, you're wasting your time.)
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One of those ought to work. Give it a try. If you'd like to field test
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any of these methods, use them on Rush Limbaugh. All of the above applies
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to HIM, too.
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From: szebra!engr.LaTech.edu!ksg (Kenneth S. Guillory)
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Subject: Barney, a testimonial
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There comes a time when we as a society must humbly admit our wrongs
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and take whatever actions necessary to correct our misdoings. Barney
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the dinosaur is one of the most hideous creations of modern American
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culture and as such, he MUST be destroyed. The termination of Barney
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must therefore become a goal of all decent, responsible citizens. Only
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united can we protect our children and stop his evil reign!
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I solute you brave founders of the Anti-Barney League, and I want to
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offer my support for your cause.
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My first encounter with Barney was seeing one of his commercials while
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eating breakfast one morning. "He's big, He's purple, He's your best
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friend. He's BARNEY!!" kept echoing through my mind as I stood in
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horror, helplessly entranced by the dancing purple mass on my TV.
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At that moment, I heard a noise outside which disturbed the evil spell
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long enough for me to break free and realize what was happening. It
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was then I became aware that no one was safe, and that I must find
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others.
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FOR ANYONE WHO DOUBTS THAT BARNEY IS EVIL INCARNATE - Just turn down
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volume on the TV the next time Barney appears. Striped of his music
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( such as the 'I love you, you love me' brainwash chant, one of his
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most powerful spells ) Barney's ugliness immediately becomes visible.
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I assure you, if you try this, you will feel a chill as you watch the
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demonic blob silently moving its mouth, gesturing, and dancing before
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you. After a moment to recover your composure, you too will realize
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what must be done.
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Remember my friends,
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He's Big. He's Purple. He must be destroyed.
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----
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Shane Guillory Dept of Biomedical Engineering
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ksg@engr.latech.edu Louisiana Tech University
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If you wish to submit material to the ABL newsletter send mail to
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Kill-Barney-Submit@spectrx.saigon.com, and to send any comments mail
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system@spectrx.saigon.com.
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