575 lines
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575 lines
27 KiB
Plaintext
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Kokomo's ONLY ALL? NO!! ALL!! #2 Bad attitudes
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'zine. Hell, April 13, 1993 - galore! Cynic
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THERE'S a shock, October 2, 1993 philosophy by
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huh? The AARGH! Edition the score!
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Distribution:
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This E-zine and all original contents are (c) 1993 RageBoy
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Publications, unless stated otherwise.
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This E-zine can be found as either ALL.x (x being the issue number)
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or ALLNOALL.00x, depending on your source. If this file arrives
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at your domain by any other name, someone fucked with that file
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bigtime.
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***IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER!***
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The editors of and contributors to ALL? NO! ALL!! will NOT be held
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responsible for any misuse of the information within any issue of this
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E-zine. All articles are intended for an INFORMATIONAL or HUMOROUS
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purpose solely.
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Table of Contents:
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2.01 .......... Editor's Notes
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2.02 .......... Karl Marx and His Tips for Good Health
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2.03 .......... Moo Cows
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2.04 .......... Can't Get A Job
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2.05 .......... Slam List
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2.06 .......... Why?
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2.07 .......... White Punks on Punk (Music reviews, news, the Shoes)
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2.08 .......... I Am Joe's Spleen
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2.09 .......... KMC Update
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2.10 .......... In Defense of Shannen Doherty
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2.11 .......... Pissing On the Third Rail
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2.12 .......... Black Francis/Frank Black's Neighborhood
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2.13 .......... Milo Aukerman's Corner
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2.14 .......... Can You Ski? Pt. II: The Revenge
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2.15 .......... Have A Lovely Evening
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STAFF:
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Matt Shaw: chief editor/member of The KMC
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Netrunner: contributor/member of The KMC
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Neuro : Indy correspondent/member of the KMC
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-----------------------
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2.01 Editor's Notes
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-----------------------
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. "So why did issue 2 take so long?" Because I've
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been fucking busy the last few months. Finding new tunes, calling
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BBSes (which are not, I repeat, NOT cyberspace in INDIANA, at least),
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and actually having a dating life which I have put aside in pursuit of
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misery and better-sounding music. All the stuff I wrote when I was
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happy sounded like Paul Westerberg with brain damage, musically and
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lyrically. So, said I, "Fuck that."
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I am somewhat ANTI-feminism, now. I hate the term "politically
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correct".. if punk rock is supposed to be based on non-conformity, why
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do we all do the same thing? And why do we even bother to call people
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like Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and whatever new sellout from the underground
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"alternative"? Call them SHIT. That's what they are. REAL punk rock
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was, is, and always will be underground. That's where the changes are
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being made, where people are really different. That's what pisses me
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off about even the watered-down "alternative" music becoming sold-out:
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because of shit like Lollapalooza, scores of rich white kids purchase
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tickets to this ripoff to see bands that they've never heard of but
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that it's "cool" to follow. In addition, these brave, trailblazing
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"non-conformists" all wear identical flannel shirts in fucking 90
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degree heat. It's all commercial. Ministry is revered by millions of
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self-proclaimed "punks" world-wide. "Oh, they're so original!" all
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these morons gush. No FUCKING chance! If you listen, really closely,
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to "Thieves", then go listen to "Live in A Hole" by Big Black... one
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of the main drumbeats are the same. And "Live in A Hole" was recorded
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in 1983. "NWO" from the big sellout album, _Psalm 69_, seemingly
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"borrowed" the guitar from parts of "Racer X" by.. guess who? As Steve
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Albini himself said (_Pulse!_, June 1992, p. 120), "If you sampled one
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second off of _Atomizer_ or _Songs About Fucking_ and looped that one
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second for 45 minutes, you'd have a pretty good approximation of a
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Ministry record." The shit that these "new revolutionaries" do their
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little dances to isn't even original. No real surprise.
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Ah, who really gives a shit? My point is: punk has become what it
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hates the most. Everyone in the "scene" is a fucking CLONE. This is
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why the supposed "scene" isn't my stomping ground at all. Punk, in
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this "politically correct" era, should be the OPPOSITE. It's
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fashionable to be PC, and true punk detests fashionability. There is
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sufficient irony to choke a horse in the fact that the "grunge fashion"
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is actually being marketed as a fashion.
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Back to something I originally was going to say, before all THIS
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shit started: I don't think women should go out of their way to
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act like delicate little flowers for men, but I don't think they
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should go and hate us all, either. On the topic of feminism, I'm
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a moderate. I'm male, and proud of it. Only, sometimes, all
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these abusive assholes make me kind of wonder about whether I
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should be proud. Men who abuse women in any way should be fucking
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shot.
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Okay.. I'm done with this rant. I release you to enjoy the issue.
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2.02 Karl Marx and His Tips for Good Health
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Greetings, comrades. I am Karl Marx, and I must share with you the
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secrets of health that the imperialistic swine we call the bourgeoisie
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insist on keeping secrets. I am here to answer your questions, so,
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comrades, fire away!
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Question: Dear Mr. Marx,
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I am thirty pounds overweight. How may I start to lose
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weight?
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Signed, Black Francis/Frank Black
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Answer : Dear Frank,
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Well, first, you must RISE UP IN GLORIOUS REBELLION
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AGAINST THE FASCIST DOMINATION OF THOSE WHO OWN PROPERTY
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AND DENY YOU WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS!
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Plus, you may want to start a proper exercise and diet
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plan. Consult your doctor if you need more details.
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Karl
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Question: Dear Father of Communism,
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Why must we buy postage stamps? We can make our
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own.
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Rodney Anonymous
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Answer : Dear Rodney,
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Comrade, this question has no bearing at all on
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health. I suggest you contact your local post
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office, or a Congressman.
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Karl
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(Karl can no longer continue, as we have just informed him that he has
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been dead for over a century. Feeling unable to cope with this
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knowledge, he disintegrated. We apologize for the inconvienience.
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- Ed.)
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2.03 Moo Cows
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Why did I name this "Moo Cows"? How ridiculous. Anyway.
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Those who read the first issue may recognize our hostility and disgust
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toward the Pixies. Let me clarify.
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The only album I really enjoy anymore is _Surfer Rosa_. And no, it's
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not simply because of the producer, so shut your traps. I do like the
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whole sound of the album, however, "Something Against You" and "Vamos"
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being my tracks of choice. This had to have been the most UNHINGED
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album this band had ever released. I also kind of liked the EP, _Come
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On Pilgrim_, but it was a bit too slow for me, exceptions being "Isla
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De Encanta" and "Nimrod's Son". Kind of.
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So why did they break up? Kim Deal reputedly got along with Black
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Francis as well as I get along with Tipper Gore. By the way, what the
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fuck kind of name is "Tipper"? I was going to go onto a whole
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branch-off, but decided to spare everybody. Anyway.
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By the way, the main reason I got into the Pixies was because I thought
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Kim Deal was cute. (yeah, yeah, yeah.. I was young and didn't pick
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bands for good reasons, fuck off) She's getting married/is married
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to Jim Greer from SPIN (I think that's the SPINner). I think the
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Breeders have a good run at being a good band. I liked _Pod_, even
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though it's kind of Pixie-ish. Wasn't as fond of _The Breeders'
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Last Splash_, however. Weird enough to deserve my respect, but
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not appealing enough to get me to listen more than a couple times
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a year.
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2.04 Can't Get A Job
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So. I live in Hell. Hell should, by all laws of nature, have
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vacancies in (relatively) cool places. Nope. All the record stores..
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taken. So what's a poor boy to do? Curl up and die, I guess..
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no. Guess not. Still here, which is good. Still broke, which is
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not. Oh, well, you take the good with the bad, I suppose.
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This is a list of jobs I was considering:
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* Working in one of the 2 semi-cool record stores here
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* Working for a computer store, but the only new one around
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here is run by a guy I can't fucking stand
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* Getting a programming job, only I don't know what the fuck
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I'm doing yet
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* Uma Thurman's love slave (doesn't pay $$, but would be
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loads of fun); shot out because she's apparently with De
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Niro
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* Translate songs that appear on "Latino MTV" and re-record
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them for regular MTV
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What do ya think? Am I shooting too high? Yeah? Geez, no wonder
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the moon fell outta the sky and knocked me flat on my ass.
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------------------
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2.05 Slam List
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------------------
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Ah! My favorite part of the issue. Wish everything bad upon these
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people/places/things. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
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My psychotic, possessive ex-girlfriend (c. Feb '93)
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My age-obsessed ex-girlfriend (c. Sept. '93)
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Frank Black
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Al Jourgensen
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Top 40 music
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"Alternative rock"
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Corporate rock (see directly above)
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Lyric thieves
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Anyone who hates moocows
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The Dead Milkmen (for slamming on Bob, Greg, and Grant)
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Tori Spelling (we need to hate a different 90210 personality)
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Shannen Doherty (No, we don't)
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Rev. W. Harris of Indianapolis
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R. Waples, the 6-foot dorsal fin at law
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All the TV stations in Indianapolis
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The FCC
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Beavis and Butt-head
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-------------
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2.06 Why?
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-------------
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This is the question that you should ask yourself if you gave into
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physical cravings and simply fucked some slutbitch instead of a goddess
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that's totally devoted to you. "Why?!" Why waste your time getting
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some disease when you could be off looking for a Christina Applegate
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clone or maybe even Uma Thurman herself.. but wait, is she married?
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With the way Hollywood is anymore, would it matter? Is she that
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devoted to Robert De Niro?
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Oh well. I'm sorry, I'd write more on "Why?!" but I just lost my train
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of thought. Didn't even blow its whistle.
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----------------------------
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2.07 White Punks on Punk
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----------------------------
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Today, I stood in the local mall, pondering. Why was I in the shrine
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of commerciality? To buy clothes. You know, dress shirts and shit
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like that, for job interviews (see 2.04). Anyway...
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I noticed, as I watched all the worthless metalhead and
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jock/princess pieces of shit stride or slink by, that I had
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virtually nothing in common with anyone in that fucking mall. And I
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was pleased. I had managed, after a life of people trying to force me
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into one mold or another, to retain MY personality.
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But, for a laugh, I went into Musicland. Home of processed shit-rock,
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nationwide. So, I'm in music hell.. and I'm getting fucking depressed.
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Nothing off an indie label. Unless, like a fucked-up bandwagoner,
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you consider Sire to be indie. Nope. Sire is an extension of Warner
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Bros. Death to corporate rock!
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But here are some albums we enjoyed, that we bought in Indy. Note that
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we reserve the right to review albums that are new to us, not
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necessarily new to the public. Here goes:
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_75% Less Fat_ - Chris Mars
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-------------------------
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You know, it has been awhile since ish #1.. _Horseshoes and Hand
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Grenades_ was released just before #1 was. And now, Mr. Mars has
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graced us with another aural document of talent.
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Okay... first thing: A lot of the songs sound the same. Worse so than
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_Horseshoes_. But it's still pretty good.
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Second: Same kind of music as the first album, basically.
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Third: Not a lot to say about it, just... buy it.
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- released on Smash Records
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_Land Speed Record_ - Husker Du
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-------------------------------
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Excellent '81 (?) live document of the OTHER legendary Minneapolis
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band. The atmosphere is pure rushed excitement, which almost entirely
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makes up for the fact that no one I've played it for can understand a
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fucking word anyone on it is saying. Nor can I. "Guns At My School"
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was the clearest song for me... "Do the Bee" was the easiest to hear
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for Brent (of the Spooners).
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Anyway.. the Huskers go from one song to the next, with barely a break.
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The album kicks off with the tension reliever "All Tensed Up". No pun
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intended. That song leads into "Don't Try to Call". and leads up to
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the end of side one, "Don't Have a Life".
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Side Two: The churning "Bricklayer", into "Tired of Doing Things",
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all the way through to "Data Control", which ends the album. Lyric to
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remember: "Gilligan's Island/That's where I wanna be/I wanna fuck
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Ginger/and live in a palm tree." - "Gilligan's Island"
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- orig. Reflex Records, then SST Records
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_Everything Falls Apart_ - Husker Du
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------------------------------------
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The band's first studio attempt shows considerable rage and talent.
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Bob Mould, the perpetual AYM, leads Grant Hart and Greg Norton
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through some of the loudest punk songs ever released.
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Included on this album is a somewhat intelligible version of
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"Bricklayer", and (Jesus CHRIST!!) a cover of Donovan's "Sunshine
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Superman". The latter, of course, sounds better than the original..
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it's a world's difference between smoking pot (Donovan) and taking
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speed (guess who?).
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There are songs that foreshadow the band's future musical maturity:
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the title track is well-written (and well-screamed); "Gravity" has one
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of the best basslines Husker could have asked for; and "From the Gut"
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showed their diversity of style (Hart's militaristic snare being a
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majorly dominant instrument). Lyric of the Day: "You don't like the
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way we look/Obnoxious/You don't like the way we talk/Obnoxious.." -
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"Obnoxious"
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- orig. Reflex Records, then Rhino Records
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--------------------------
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2.08 I Am Joe's Spleen
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--------------------------
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I am Joe's spleen. And boy, is Joe pissed! His liver isn't working
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properly because all the sad son-of-a-bitch does is sit around his
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house and drink! Worthless fucker! But anyway..
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Joe, when he still cared about his job, was a record producer. Joe was
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a real asshole to his clients. UNTIL... someone got pissed and taught
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Joe a lesson, with a bicycle pump and a length of rubber hose. Then,
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after Joe got out of the hospital (giving me a well-needed vacation..
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producing gallons of blood very quickly is no easy task!), Joe began
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drinking. He drank and drank and drank. And smoked.
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Last night, I liberated myself from Joe's body. I got a match, lit it,
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and stuck it in the half-empty bottle of Jack that Joe was still
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holding in his hand, even though he was passed out. The flames laid
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the place down.. but I got away.
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Now.. I am Billy Ray's spleen. Just wait till this worthless fucker
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starts bleeding and overworking me.. his achy breaky heart will be the
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least of his problems. Long haired hilljack piece of motherfucking
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shit. He can take his remaining three teeth and two I.Q. points and
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shove them up his achy breaky ass. What a waste of flesh.
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-------------------
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2.09 KMC Update
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-------------------
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We're still chugging along, all. I'm (kind of) making a comeback
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with "Mark Of Cain", which is a good ol' slammin' style MOD.
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We now have achieved distribution again: Dark Sun Distribution
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has kindly given us a copyright for all our material under its
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business license, and has taken charge of distribution. (NOTE:
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We are now legitimate shareware authors! yay)
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We have gained and lost a member, since the last issue.. the name
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shall remain unmentioned, to prevent boosting of his ego, but
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suffice it to say that the vote taken by the KMC regarding his
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dismissal was prompted by his alleged involvement in illegal
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activities, one of which was reputed to be hacking. His reply to
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our dismissal was abusive and disrespectful towards the entire
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KMC, and myself especially, and claimed that he had quit two weeks
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prior to our notice. I declined to reply, seeing as how a reply
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would have been quite useless and would have provoked another
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string of mindless garbage from our former associate. (NOTE: I
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wanted to reply, saying "You failed to report your voluntary
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termination of membership to any KMC member, therefore, the
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official statement will state that you were dismissed." I'm such
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a smartass. :) )
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Well, that's the update. Greetings to Major Tom/Audioscape/Deus
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Lucifer, if his eyes should fall upon this.
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--------------------------------------
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2.10 In Defense Of Shannen Doherty
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--------------------------------------
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Why attempt to defend someone that's undefensable? I thought it
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would be cool to take an unpopular stance, but I've decided that I
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just cannot stand her anyway.
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What that whole paragraph means is that I have nothing to say in
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defense of Shannen Doherty. Plain/simple.
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----------------------------------
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2.11 Pissing On The Third Rail
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----------------------------------
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(Before I continue, let me clearly state that if you actually
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perform the action that the title of this section details, you
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will be a fried motherfucker.)
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Pissing on the third rail can be an enlightening experience. Just
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ask Father Snee, of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion, Backwoods, IN:
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"Aye, boys, I've had my share of leaks on that fabled rail. I've
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also been treated for the resulting burns. But the one thing
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that's kept me from a painful electric death is my faith in God -"
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At this point, we had to cut Father Snee off. We had forgotten
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his involvement with religion, so we went on a valiant search
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throughout Backwoods to look for someone else who had undergone a
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similar experience. We found that very person in Jay Starr, who
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had attempted to break the local beer-drinking record of
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thirty-seven in one sitting:
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"Well, I.. I... no, sir, I didn't have no sex with your daughter!
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I swear! Those pictures she has of her giving head ain't got me
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in 'em! No way!"
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Apparently, Jay's sexual freedom (and slow witted bullshitting)
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was a product of his experience with the third rail. An
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unfortunate side effect was his inability to stay focused on one
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topic of conversation.
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We do not advise any such usage of the third rail of a subway
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system, in any way, shape, or form. Be wary, and just to be safe,
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don't go to any city that has a subway.
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-------------------------------------------------
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2.12 Black Francis/Frank Black's Neighborhood
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-------------------------------------------------
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"Hello, kids. Won't you be my neighbor? Good. Then give me back
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the guitar your daddy borrowed from me.
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"Are we getting along well? Good! I'm so happy, kids. Do you
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know why Uncle Frank is so happy?"
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"NO, UNCLE FRANK! WHY?"
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"Because Uncle Frank sold a lot of albums to gullible people who
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were expecting the Pixies Mark 2! And it's not! It's really a
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horrid piece of shit album!
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"Oops, kids! Uncle Frank used a bad word! And you know what that
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means.."
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"TIME FOR A CARTOON!"
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<pause for a Bitchy and Patchy cartoon>
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"Ah, wasn't that great, kids?"
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"SURE WAS, UNCLE FRANK!"
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"Ah, this gig is great. Do you know why Uncle Frank does this?"
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<puzzled looks from the kids, one raises a wavering hand>
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"Yes, Johnny?"
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"Uh, Uncle Frank.. is it because you don't have any new material
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for the next album yet and you feel like your career is on the
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rocks?"
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"Wrong, Johnny.. and by the way, there's no Santa Claus. Anyone
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else?"
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"Is it because you felt upstaged by Kim Deal and you still do, so
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you decided to host a kids show and make sure you could feel like
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you were bigger than somebody?"
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|
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|
"No, Susie, and by the way, Madonna is bisexual. Anyone at all?"
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|
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|
"I know why, Uncle Frank."
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|
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|
"Why, David?"
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|
|
|
"Because you're a better showman than a musician."
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|
<Frank looks at the kid with the death look, and then walks
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|
offstage muttering to himself>
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<David looks at the camera, and says> "Guess I was right."
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-------------------------------------
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2.13 Milo Aukerman's Neighborhood
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-------------------------------------
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|
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|
Dear ALL? NO! ALL!! Readers,
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|
|
Yes, 'tis that time again. That time that I enlighten the readers
|
|
of this electronic publication of the life beyond the Descendents,
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|
of life in Smalltown, USA. Last time I wrote from Tupelo, now I'm
|
|
living in Westfield, IN. What a place. A Dairy Queen right
|
|
across the road from a Taco Bell, and right next to a US highway.
|
|
I hang out at the DQ as much as I can, cause there's not a lot
|
|
else to do here. I sometimes drive the 20 or so miles to Indy to
|
|
find cool music, but that's it. Soon, it'll be time for me to
|
|
move on, because this place is fucking boring.
|
|
|
|
Oh, here's something of note. I sit back on Friday nights, and
|
|
watch people at the DQ. One night, and I NEVER thought I'd see
|
|
this in Indiana, I watched some chick give her date a handjob
|
|
under the table, for all the world to see. That's probably normal
|
|
for teenage Indiana, but the out-of-the-ordinary factor was that
|
|
her date was a girl, as well. And you could tell they were both
|
|
getting off on it, even without looking under the table, just
|
|
looking at their faces. There are some looks that are unique to
|
|
sheer ecstacy (sp?). The girl who was receiving put on a good
|
|
show of normalcy by just eating her ice cream like nothing was
|
|
happening. So did the other girl, with her free hand. I could
|
|
see her squeezing her thighs together under the table, so she was
|
|
getting hers, too. The one getting fingered tensed up and then
|
|
relaxed, and then her friend got off, as well.
|
|
|
|
That just shocked me to death. Never in Indiana, I thought. And
|
|
if so, not in a goddamn Dairy Queen. Oh well.. their gain, and my
|
|
free live sex show. Ain't life grand?
|
|
|
|
Aloha, all!
|
|
Milo
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|
|
|
------------------------------------------
|
|
2.14 Can You Ski? Pt. II: The Revenge
|
|
------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
This quiz won't help you determine if you can ski, but it will
|
|
tell you approximately how fucked up we are.
|
|
|
|
1) If asked to, could you worship Geena Davis?
|
|
|
|
a) Yes.
|
|
b) No.
|
|
c) I already do.
|
|
d) I live under a rock, who is Geena Davis?
|
|
|
|
2) Would you attempt to piss Lee Ving off by voting for him for
|
|
mayor of San Francisco?
|
|
|
|
a) Well, Jello lost, why not?
|
|
b) I'd like to see Sonny Bono leave Sacramento for SF.
|
|
c) No, Clint Eastwood, all the way, man.
|
|
d) Nah, try Pittsburgh.
|
|
|
|
3) Did your ancestors eat their dead?
|
|
|
|
a) Huh?!
|
|
b) With an order of fries.
|
|
c) These are potential BBS voting questions..
|
|
d) No, they didn't go in for bisexual necrophilia.
|
|
|
|
Okay, maybe these questions mean even less than we thought..
|
|
that's why there's so few. Oh well. Part I was better.
|
|
|
|
------------------------------
|
|
2.15 Have A Lovely Evening
|
|
------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Well, I hope you liked this issue, as it was a joy for me to put
|
|
together for six months or so. God.. how could it have taken so
|
|
fucking long? Procrastination isn't good when you're running an
|
|
E-zine..
|
|
|
|
Anyway. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
|
|
|
|
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|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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|
Where did I put the Calamine lotion, anyway?
|
|
- one of the Coasters, in the 1950's
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|
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|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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