299 lines
9.9 KiB
Plaintext
299 lines
9.9 KiB
Plaintext
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[ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #09, File #064 ]
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"Smurfs & Chicks " by Mustaine & Friends ]
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Smurfs & Chicks
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[Mustaine & Friends]
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A few days ago I was showing my girlfriend some of my old yearbooks
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dating all the way back to junior high, and I just happened to fall across
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some really old ode's and poems that my friends and I did when we were amist
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an 8th grade literature class. (Of course, all of the ones *I* am going to
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show you fans will be the ones we either did outside of class, or the ones
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we got in *real* big trouble for :) I also added one to my new girlfriend,
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Meg Quinlan, and you will find that towards the bottom.
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These first few are from a friend of mine who is currently enrolled in
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acting school somewhere. Hope your having fun Eric.
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* Ode to a Twinkee *
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(Eric Verfuerth 03/23/90)
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Oh twinkee mystic munchable
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by what means arcane or chemical
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A question that bothers me quite a little
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how did they get that white goop in your middle
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is it done with spoons
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or squished in by overweight baboons
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is it done with white goop spray
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or are you simply made that way
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is it done with radiation
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or a magic incantation
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is it done with osmosis
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or by a guy named Jeblosis
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so tell me twinkee if you care
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how does that white goop get in there?
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* Ode to a Smurf *
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(Eric Verfuerth 03/23/90)
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One day as I walked across the land
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as I glanced down at earth and sand
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and lookin down at that green turf
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I swear to you I saw a smurf
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his skin was blue his pants were white
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I backed away for fear he may bite
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I felt it safe so down I did sit
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and wondered what to do with it
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perhaps I'd take it to a side show
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or maybe I'd just let it go
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but if tis true what I've been told
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a man could turn a smurf to gold
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and as in thought I did lay
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I heard the little creature say
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"Come down to the ground
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so you will hear my voices sound"
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and as I crouched down near
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that bugger bit me on the ear
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then off he hopped
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and didn't stop
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till out of sight he dropped
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and so let me warn you in my words of wit
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if you see that smurf please step on it
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* Ode to Math *
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(Eric Verfuerth 03/23/90)
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Of all the evil things to cross my path
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the one I hate the most is math
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for math it is an awful class
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one I fear I may not pass
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with all it's bothersome equations
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each adding to my frustrations
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it fills my eyes with sobbing tears
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as I have to take it for three more years
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and that class is so very dull
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it often bores me out my skull
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so hear me now as I shout
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can someone please get me out
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of that terrible math class
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the one I fear I may not pass
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* Ode to English Teachers *
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(Eric Verfuerth 03/23/90)
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In my time I have seen many vile creatures
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but the worst are the deadly english teachers
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they live in classrooms that look like caves
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and treat poor students as slaves
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and in the deungeon they have tortures of every sort
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including the dreaded book report
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and though you may plead to get out
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they are ignorant of your shout
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and all at which they want to look
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are sentences in your vocab book
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and above the students wail
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you hear them screaming "you fail"
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and as I sit here I have a feeling
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when my teacher reads this she'll hit the ceiling
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* Ode to Slasher Films *
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(Eric Verfuerth 03/20/90)
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One day as I sat in a bore
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I felt the need to see some gore
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so off to erols I went
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for money would soon be spent
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on blood and guts
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and psychotic nuts
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and to get all this for two fifty
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well that would be real nifty
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so I went to the horror section
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and started to make my selection
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nightmare on elm street part ten
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Freddy is back to kill again
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friday the 13th part nine / Jason goes to Mars
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Siscal and Ebert gave it two stars
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so I got the one that scared me out of my mind
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when they showed the monster tear and grind
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all the kids at some high school
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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That's some pretty cool stuff eh? Well, sit back and relax, because
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I have some friends that wrote some *other* k-spiff stuff. Check out some
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'love/hate' letter by my two old pals John Carlson and Micheal Wagner.
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As you will guess, they were in love with this two girls...funny how
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8th graders showed affection..
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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* Missy Wade *
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(anonymous ??/??/90)
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She has long string hair,
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Tangled with knots.
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Shoes riddled with tears,
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And dirt, there is lots.
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Her face is quite homely.
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Her eyes, ugly pools.
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Her smile is tombly.
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And her acme rules.
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Her voice is the same,
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So whiney it is.
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It drives me insane.
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She is such a dizz!
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Her legs are but twigs.
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Her hands skinny claws.
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Her body's a pig's.
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She breaks all starvation laws.
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She thinks she can write,
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Boy is she dumb!
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Each story's a plight,
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Each story is scum.
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This is the true tale,
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Of Missy Wade.
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She doesn't like males,
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Because she is gay.
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* Deanna Casper *
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(John Carlson, Micheal Wagner ??/??/90)
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There once was this hag,
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Whose name was Deanna.
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She looked like a fag,
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Her hair tone, bannana.
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She had many freckles,
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Like warts on her face.
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Her voice was a keckle.
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She smelled like mace.
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Her ears protruded,
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Way out from her head.
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Her gross eyes secluded,
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The color of lead.
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Her humongeous nose,
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Pointed straight out.
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Her teeth fungused rose,
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Cockroaches about.
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Her legs were like tree trunks,
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So thick and massive.
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Her breath like a skunks,
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And smelled of laxative.
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When you think of Deanna,
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Mind full of piss,
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Hair tone, bannana,
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Just think of this:
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She had many freckles,
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Like warts on her face.
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Her voice was a keckle.
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She smelled like mace.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Ok, here's the one dedicated to my girlfriend. I wrote it two days
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*after* I originally *met* her.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Ode To The First Few Days..
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i finally got the chance
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i definitly will try to make it last
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for you, i am the first
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you fill me with happiness, i will burst
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i took you home to the house
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true to your nature, you were quiet as a mouse
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because of guests you got stuck in my bed
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(hope my old head lice don't migrate to your head)
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we then woke up and tried to make breakfast
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bisquick? pancakes? do a toaster waffle fast
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i engrained in your head my love for honey
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later i tasted some of your fingers, oh lovely...
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we then drove (with my plate) to sk00l
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you'd be proud, Michelle, i didn't drool
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i went (rather late) to homeshow teardown
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you went to practice, oh look, no frown!
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from there that next night, i read the first note
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you were lost, confused, in a mind's mote
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i assured you not to worry
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(blah, blah, this line rhymes with curry)
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i am now deeply in love,
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your a stubborn girl, push, and shove
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but with this match, don't worry instead-
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look to a bright future we will hold ahead.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Um, here are some others that just needed a place to go. Enjoy, I
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wrote them myself :)
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------
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(a very short) Ode to a Sneaker
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oh sneaker, you are cool
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i wear you all the time, rain to drool
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you take me where I want to go
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you keep my feet warm in the snow
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i let you get dirty and walk around
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i look at you from white, your now brown
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i go to the store, and buy a new pair
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i throw you away, i no longer care.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
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Ode to a Keyboard
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Oh keyboard, lovely piece of metal and plastic
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how I love to pound you so spastic
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when I click your keys
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I shiver in my knees
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i press what I want
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and on the screen you do jot
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all my thoughts, my words
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those porn stories, those turds *(I needed something to ryhme)*
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you write filth for the zine
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and my hate mail doth shine
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I spill on you coffee
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still you try to please me
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but I have broken you good
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I haven't treated you like I should
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so i go to the store
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and buy from them some more
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keyboards...
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==============================================================================
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Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510
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==============================================================================
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