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132 lines
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[ Mind Warp - Volume #4, Issue #05, File #060 ]
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[ "Adventures in the Potty" by Mustaine ]
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Adventures in the Potty
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[Copyright (c) 1994-1995 Mustaine]
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Imagine poor Joe Schmoe. Joe is a high school graduate, going through
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that famed summer before college starts. He is a normal Schmoe, working all
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day to get money for college, massively in love with his girlfriend, and
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very tired after teaching summer camp all day. Anyways, around sometime in
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July, in the year 1994, Joe Schmoe has an unprecedented...adventure in the
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potty! Want details? Read on.
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So like Joe gets home after 4:00. Joe is midly fatigued, slightly
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irritated, and if Joe was a female...we could have said PMS had set in.
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Work was hell, little snots were pulling at him all day from the summer
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camp where he worked, and all he wanted to do was go home, go to the potty,
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and get a nap before calling his esteemed girlfriend in hopes of a date
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later that evening.
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Does Joe get his wish? Yeah right...and life is simple. Anyways, Joe
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gets home, as previously stated, and runs upstairs to the bathroom. No
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problem there right? Are you following me? <Nod yes...> Ok, so Joe gets
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to the bathroom and takes off his drawers. Why? <So, um...what's he gonna
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do, pee THROUGH his pants???> He then proceeds to sit down. On a wet seat.
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Ewwwwww. Ok, so someone forgot to wipe the seat off. Natural occurence in
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a family of three men, two women. Pee on the legs. Joe massively freaks
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out and jumps up taking wads of toilet paper to wash of the "affected" area.
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Joe then wipes off the seat. Whew.
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So poor Joe sits down, on a now dry seat to drop his...uh..well you
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know. Anyways, little brother of Joe...the imbecilic one..has decided to
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play a horrible prank on the next user of the commode. Unbeknowenst to Joe,
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but knowenst to brother of Joe, clear plastic Saran wrap has been stretched
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tightly across the seat in between the water part, and the seat part.
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So Joe dumps...and it goes...NOWHERE. Ewwwwww.
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Ok, so Joe's doo doo goes nowhere. Once again Joe jumps up, half in the
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middle of trying to doo doo, and takes wads of paper breaking the wrap, and
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dropping some doo doo. Joy. Joe then sits back down, after screaming
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profanity and promises of castration the the offender..and proceeds his..uh
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doo-doo'in. Yeah, that sounds good. Ok, so Joe is done with the doo doo.
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Simple right? WRONG.
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Joe reaches for toilet paper. Of course, Joe is out of toilet paper
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after using it all on his little sibling's malicious pranks. Crap. Joe
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now rises, with drawers around his ankles, and opens the door to leave and
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find some toilet paper in the closet in the next room. Enter Kitty.
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Kitty has an affection for Joe's...uh...third...dangling...leg. Proceed with
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running around the small room with Kitty playing tug of war. Joe then has
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an unfortunate accident, tripping over his drawers (which are still down to
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his ankles) and falling on Kitty..who is still attached to Joe. Ouch.
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Let's take a break for a few seconds while Joe finds a bandaid. As for
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Kitty, let's just say that cats are only rumored to have 9 lives. Joe then
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limps his way to a closet, searching frantically for toilet paper. Finding
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some on the top shelf, Joe makes an attempt to grab himself some wipes.
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However, as Joe tugs the package of toilet paper, soap falls down from on
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top of the package and hits him on the head. And I don't mean the head that
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has his brians.
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Let me take a moment to explain. Brother of Schmoe....who was in charge
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of putting away the toiletry and hygene products on grocery day, decided to
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throw the soap up to the top shelf in futile hope that Mother of Schmoe
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wouldn't make him use it in his monthly bath. Of course, we know what
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ultimately happened to the soap, but to this day, brother of Schmoe has been
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emotionaly disturbed after finding that his soap was missing. Convinced of
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some extraterrestial plot to steal soap, brother of Schmoe has since ran
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away to a monestary in Tibet. Back to Joe...
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Joe has since found his toilet paper, and has now returned to the
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toilet. Joe is now able to cleanse himself, and proceeds to wad up more
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paper and throw it into the toilet. Now the ritualistic flush is to occur.
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Well, maybe not. You see, Joe has overlooked the tiny fact that a toilet
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has problems flushing when there is fifteen pounds of paper and waste in the
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recepticle. Hence comes an overflow of...stuff?? Joe looks around hastily
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for his trusty plunger. But it's not there. Instead, a note is found where
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the plunger is usually held, reading:
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To Whom it May Concern,
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I Brother of Schmoe do regretfully confess that the plunger who
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usually finds its home and steady employment of sewage suckage has
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taken a leave of absence to help me with my science project at
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day camp. It will be returned in a few days. Problems, comments???
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Send all complaints to my camp counselor who made me clean up the mess
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I made with my cherry bomb...er...uh science experiment.
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Yours truely,
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Brother of Schmoe.
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Poor Joe...no plunger. Oh well. Joe now runs frantically about the
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room looking for something to unclog the toilet. Unfortuantely, all he can
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find is an old bag of Doritos and some tweezers. That had to do seeing how
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the stuff was now creating a steady stream down the hall. Using a flash of
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ingenuity, Joe places his hand in the Dorito bag, and uses the tweezers to
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unclog the toilet. Joe has saved the day.
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Whew...it's all over right? WRONG. Joe now yanks up his pants, and
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hastily zippers his zipper. Ewww. Poor Joe...as if he hadn't gotten stuck
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with enough problems today. Now he had a stuck problem...in his zipper.
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<Use your imagination her folks.> Needless to say, that took a minute or
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two to get out of. Now, the story should end here...and indeed it does, in
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terms of Joe's adventure to the potty. However, later that evening Joe
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had another...brief adventure that simply must be told. Read on for more.
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Ok, so skip ahead a few hours. Joe Schmoe is now in the kitchen,
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quietly recovering from his most recent...adventures. He has made plans
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with his girlfriend for a late dinner, and is trying in vain to relax for
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the evening. On the table of the kitchen is an array of doughnuts that poor
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Joe assumes have been made by his mother for family consumption. Wrong.
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Unbeknownst to Joe, but knowesnt to us, these doughnuts are a special
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experiment by brother of Joe for his ederly grandmother. Brother of Joe
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had taken a popular chocolate laxative, and microwave melted a chocolate
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shell over some homemade doughnuts. Needles to say, our poor shmuck Joe
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eats one of the doughnuts...and runs up to the family bathroom.
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What happened next irrevicably changed Joe's life forever...but that
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as we say..is another story...and another adventure...in the POTTY. Maybe
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someday Joe will publish the story...but until then..I think we can wait.
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THE END....or is it??
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*** Next issue...Scuba Diving in the Bathroom 101: Joe's Revenge ***
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==============================================================================
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Call Hell's Kitchen - (301) 989-8510
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==============================================================================
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