140 lines
7.1 KiB
Plaintext
140 lines
7.1 KiB
Plaintext
Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #49
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Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "The Big Book of Ducks"
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Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Malakai
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ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections
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Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
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As you may know I have released a previous T-File on the Religion of
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the Spamibiterians, of which I am a member. Well, if you wish to join or just
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want more information on these incredibly powerful creatures, READ ON, for
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this is all about the types of ducks. I'll bet you think there are only a few
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types of ducks, well, you're wrong! There's a lot of ducks out there, they are
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just waiting to be discovered by us Spaminites!
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The Duck Classifications
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Normal Duck: Duckius Averatis; These ducks show a variety of different traits,
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they are the simplest form of which these higher life forms exist in. They
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feed often on small insects and small plants, these are also the easiest to
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train for household use.
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Bottle-Nosed Duck: Duckius Snoutisrundus; These ducks show a resemblence in
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the beak to that of a bottle nosed dolphin. These ducks are excellent swim-
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mers and offer good protection against sharks and whales, do to thier incre-
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dibly affinity with all creatures of the water. If you plan on taking a cruise,
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take one of these ducks along, the Chiakind are known to make suprise visits,
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and they may even mezmerize a shark to KILL you with. These ducks eat insects
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and spam, but spam can only be fed to them once a week.
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Flightless Duck: Duckius Retardis; These ducks are also known as penguins, who
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are most often very spiffy dressers. The term PENGUIN is false as the 'PENG-
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UINS' are REALLY ducks in disguise <hence the suit>; These ducks are hard to
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train, but once trained will hang around your freezer, it's good if you are on
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a diet and want to be kept away from your food, as this duck will guard it with
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its life. The only problem is, you have to get a new one every night if you
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want to eat, because you have to kill the previous one. They eat water.
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The Huge Ass Duck: Duckius Majora Posteria; These ducks are about 10 feet tall
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and make EXCELLENT body guards. Thier bulging wingceps and the ugly faces make
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the chia run in terror. You MUST keep these chained up, as these are carnivor-
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ous! They feed on small children and large rabbits, and of course, Spam. For
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the healthies Duckius Majora Posteria, feed it one can a day, but drain the
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juice into your houseducks water dish, otherwise you will stunt its growth.
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Black Avain Duck: Duckius Negro; This duck is an all black, beak as well,
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version of the standard duck. This duck is an EVIL duck and often sides with
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those of the chiakind, so beware, they often PAINT themselves white so they
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can sneak into your house and kill you or your ducks. They eat ducks, spam,
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and human flesh... again BEWARE.
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Protection Duck: Duckius Proticta; This duck is a virtual force field. It is
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apparently a normal duck with a mutant ability to create an intense energy
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field which only affects other energy sources. This duck is handy to have
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around the house, and is also great to have on starships and such, as you
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never know when you need protection from phasers and photon torpedos. The
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only set back is the must eat head cheese.
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Shapeshifter Duck: Duckius Nottaoneforma; This duck is capable of shifting
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into any form up to the size of a 6' 200 lb. human. They are masters of
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disguise and very loyal, but they must be raised as hatchlings, otherwise
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they are very troublesome to thier owners <i.e... if you wake up for a mid-
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night spam snack, you might be disappointed!> These eat spam and only this,
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as Spam is what we believe gives them the ability to shapeshift.
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Daffy Duck: Duckius Famis; This duck is a famous actor from who has turned
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to a life of helping people, he appears to be a slight variant of the Black
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Avian Duck breed, but his beak and legs are orange. The Duck Intelligence is
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working on discovering more about this as time goes on, so be ready for up-
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dates!
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--- --- --- --- ---
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Training Tips for Duck Training
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Training ducks will be the hardest thing you will have to deal with
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in the Religion of Spamibiteria. They are very SPECIAL animals and require
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oftentimes SPECIAL attention! So I have provided 5 training tips for your
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raising of your own ducks!
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1) Encourage your duck as you teach him to cook/clean/etc.. by the time you
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have fully trained him, he will be 100% loyal <er.. 99% or so, no duck is
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100% loyal..>
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2) If you can, during the 1st 2 monthes you own your duck, feed him one
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spoonful of spam per day, this will encourage his growth as well as make
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him more loyal to you, remember these tips are also for Normal ducks only.
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3) Remember, PHYSICALLY train your duck as well as mentally. If you have to,
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you must buy Weighlifting equipment for your duck. Those who want to have a
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duck for hard labour should seriously consider this.
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4) You shouldn't expect too much from your duck. Ducks may be extroidinarily
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intelligent and strong, but don't OVER do it. Do not attempt to have him build
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a nucleur bomb <although it HAS been done before, Duck Intelligence reports
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that Einstein worked with a duck as a lab assistant..> nor should you attempt
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to have a duck move your car out by picking it up <this has been done before
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as well, Arnold S. (to protect his identity we will not say Schwartineiger,
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and it's also cuz I can't spell Schwartzineiger) wanted t'move his car, but
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couldn't, and it was stuck, so he had a duck do it for him> Remember, these
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are rare exceptions, so do not over-estimate the power of your duck.
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5) Have fun with your duck! Play with it daily, you will begin to see
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substantial improvements in all areas if you do, because fun is like a boost
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for a duck! Try and teach them mental games as well as physical. One of my
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ducks favorite games is chess, the duck is a CHESS-MASTER! He beat Chess-
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Master 2000 on Expert level, so I guess he's a bit better than me, but I'll
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never let him know that <smile>
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-------
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Disclaimer: If you attempt to train a duck with this specifications, I am not
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responsible for any insanity of the duck, death of said duck, or just the
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training not working. No purchase nessecary. Batteries not included. And of
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course, void where prohibited.
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-------
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All References to Spam/Chiapets/etc.. can be explained by reading MiLK #37,
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The Guide to the Religion of the Spamibiterians.
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-------
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Remember, the only good duck, is a healthy duck!
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Û Û [MiLK] Information
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Û Û
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Û Û [MiLK] Sites:
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Û Û
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Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400]
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Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û
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Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û The Asylum.................(908)914-9318 [14,400]
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Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û (NUP) I LOVE FEDS
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Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Violent Playground.........(908)920-2575 [14,400]
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Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û Black Dragon BBS...........(703)885-3072 [14,400]
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ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÄÄ> MiLK File #49: "The Big Book of Ducks" By Malakai <ÄÄÄ
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(This File Just wasted 7241 bytes of your hard drive)
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