168 lines
8.3 KiB
Plaintext
168 lines
8.3 KiB
Plaintext
Ü Ü Ü Mighty Issue #37
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Ü Ü Û Û Ü illicit "The Religion of the Spambiterians"
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Û ß Û Û Û ÛÛ Liquid -By Malakai
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ß ß ß ß ß ß Kollections
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Ä Ä -ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
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SPAM and Regarding the Religion of the Spamibiterians
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I here at my computer have devised during many tedious hours of
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boredom in and out of school the religion which will soon be known to the
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world as Spamibiteria. This religion envolves the worship of Spam and those
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products thereof, as well as animals which are directly related to this
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beloved and just meat. This will cover the generalities, which include the
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10 Spamandments, a few exerts from Spalms, and the Legend of the Chia Pet
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from the Book of Duck.
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The Holy Book of Spam
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The Holy Book of Spam is divided into Books. These Books are as
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follows: The Creation, Spamcidis, Spalms, Monkverbs, Duckthemew, Duck, and
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Monkius, and Relevations. The most important books are of which Spalms and Duck.
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The first, the Book of Spalms, is where the Ispalmic teachings of the Middle
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East and the Spamibiterian teachings of the west agree. It is from where the
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10 Spamandments can be read, as well as the 10,005 praises of Spam. The later,
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the Book of Duck, is where the Legend of the Chia Pet is derived as well as
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the sacrafices nessecary on Spamy Days.
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Important Spamy Days
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There are several minor Spamy days in which the Spamibiterian church
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observes and practices religious ceremonies. I will list them in chronological
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order from the beginning of the year.
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January 5th: The New Dawning of Spam- This holiday is observing the start of
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Spam and his advancements in modern age. The Holy Duck of Spam is to be eaten
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on this day and the gizzards of said Duck will be fed to either a large cat
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or a monkey.
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May 18th-25th: The Week of the Rising Spam- This celebrates the period in
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the Spam Wars of Old where Monkian Igraduck overcame the 5 headed Chia Pet
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in the deserts of Arizona. ALL traditions, including the destruction of the
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chia pet, must take place on this day. A new chia pet will be planted on the
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25th for the Destruction of Chiakind holiday.
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June 30th: The Creation of Spam- This is the date that all Spam is at its best;
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This is the date Spam was invented, back in 1078, by the ancient philosopher
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and reknown chef, Stuun Delot. With this advent, the glorious Spirit of Spam
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could assume physical form and lead his masses of followers. The Monkey of the
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Spam will be fed Spam until he chokes and dies from it on this day, and then
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you will cook the corpse and eat it, feeding the stomach to the house-duck.
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October 31st: Chia Night- This is the night that the spirits of the long
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dead chia pets come and haunt the streets. This poses a great danger to
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all those who have seen the light of Spam. On this day, a can of Spam will
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be nailed to the front door, to keep these evil spirits away.
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December 10th: The Destruction of Chiakind- The Chia pet which was planted on
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May 25th in the end of the Week of the Rising Spam will be doused in gasoline,
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put in 10' deep hole, then light a flame, and when the flame goes out, you will
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read the Chia Banishment Scroll <also written in the Book of Monkius> then bury
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this evil corpse. You will plant a new one on December 11th, for destruction on
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the final day of the Week of the Rising Spam next year; This symbolizes the
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constant struggle between Spam and the Chiakind.
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These are the major Spamy days; These are widely practiced. Please use caution
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when preforming these rituals, as the evil spirits of chia may escape, and Spam
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help you if you aren't protected.
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The 10 Spamandments
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The 10 Spamandments clearly instructs the people who have seen the
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light of Spam on how to treat the physical embodyment of thier sacred meat.
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1) You must never eat Spam with a fork, a knife, or a spoon. Only a plastic
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spork shall please the sacred meat.
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2) The juices of Spam must never touch the ground, if you can not properly
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dispose of your sacred juice, you must sacrafice it to the Spirit of Spam,
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by dumping it over your dogs head.
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3) The Duck of the Spam must be eaten on Spamy days.
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4) You must NEVER feed your chia pet Spam, for all chia pets are evil and
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desire to kill you.
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5) If you can not finish the Can of Spam which was given to you by the
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Spirit of Spam, you can return it by putting it in your cats feed dish
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or feeding it to your house duck.
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6) The Monkey of Spam is to be fed one loaf of spam per week; Not two, not
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three, and not four. One is the number of loaves they must eat per week.
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The only exception is on June 30th.
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7) The Empty Can of Spam is to be recycled, only by recycling the Empty Can
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will you recieve more gifts of Spam by the Spirit.
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8) Do not throw Spam over your right shoulder, your left shoulder, in front of
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you, behind you, over your head, or onto the ground. If this happens, see
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Spamandment 10.
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9) Spam can not come within 30 feet of fire.
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10) If Spam ever touches the ground, you must freeze it. Once it is frozen you
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must break it into tiny pieces and bury each 31 feet under the ground. Then you
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must fill up the grave with dirt. The final preperation for the forgiveness of
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the great crime of dropping Spam is that you must place a 24 hour torch on each
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of the gravesites. Only after this shall the Spirit forgive you.
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The Legend of the Chia Pet (Duck Cp I-III)
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The Chiakind and Spaminites were friends in the early days, but the Chia
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Pet had other intentions, quite horrible things to do with this friendship. The
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Spaminites were a farming race, farming thier spam trees, planting and etc..
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with much help from the Spirit of the Spam they had grown from a small people
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to a great nation! The Chiakind was extremely jealous of this and so they
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began to raise a great army to assault the Spaminites.
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The leader of the evil Chiakind's army was Gnumon Humpfry, the assault
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was to happen on the Creation of Spam holiday. The great army charged, but
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the great Spirit of the Spam was awake and waiting. The Spirit had told the
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Spaminites to keep half its army ready on the border between Spaminiah and
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Chiapetria. The Evil Lord of Chiakind was FURIOUS! He called upon his wizards
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to summon a 5 headed Chia Pet, one with claws of bronze and breath of flame.
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The Chiapus Maximus as it was called, decended upon the Spaminite army,
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and the Spaminites, striken with fear, fled back into Spiminiah. Only one
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man remained, Monkian Igraduck, a Spam farmer from the desolate southern
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wastes. Monkian led the Chiapus into the desert which he called home. There
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they fought for 4 days, and on the 5th day, the Chiapus begged for mercy.
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Monkian granted it, and as he went to help Chiapus up, Chiapus attacked.
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Monkian was injured, but not killed. This assault made the Spirit furious, so
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the Spirit gave Monkian the sacred Sword of Spam. Monkian then made easy
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work of Chiapus.
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This is the Legend of the Chia Pet
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In Conclusion
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In conclusion, you must have integrity and an open mind to see the
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light in which the Spirit of Spam can offer. If you wish to become a part of
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this church, membership is the cost of a mere postage stamp. Write to:
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The Church of Spambitirea
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632 Warrior Ln.
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Round Lake Heights, IL 60073
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Hope you find peace in your food!
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Û Û [MiLK] Information
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Û Û
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Û Û [MiLK] Sites:
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Û Û
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Û Û The Obloid Sphere..........(708)965-3098 [14,400]
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Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û CUM........................(708)961-1220 [14,400]
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Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û
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Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û
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Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û
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Û²²²²²²²²²²²Û [MiLK] Issue #037, "The Religion of.." by Malakai
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ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ This file is Exactly 8496 bytes long
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