172 lines
9.9 KiB
Plaintext
172 lines
9.9 KiB
Plaintext
Û Û [MiLK] Û Û
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Û Û Û Û
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Û Û Mighty Issue # 6 Û Û
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Û²²²²²²²²²Û illicit "Pete" Û²²²²²²²²²Û
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Û²²²²²²²²²Û Liquid By Nyarlathotep Û²²²²²²²²²Û
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Û²²²²²²²²²Û Kollections Û²²²²²²²²²Û
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Û²²²²²²²²²Û Û²²²²²²²²²Û
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ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ
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Here's a little story about what not to do on a lamprey hunt,
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how to avoid the vicious 2 headed venomous Lamprey, and how to cook
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really good grilled cheese sandwich.
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Pete was you're average Lamprey hunter. "The Field Guide to
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Lampreys" {BLaH #42, Available at your favorite BLaH <sigh>T} and all of
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it's appendices were like a bible to him. He kept a trusty machete by him
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at all times, and was prepared to go wherever he must, to do whatever he
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must, to rid the world of Lampreys. He didn't count on going to a Lamprey
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fortress, however.
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It was a sunny Saturday in July that this narrative takes place,
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and Peter was ready for a weekend of good clean Lamprey destroying. He
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had prepared himself by getting his machete and axe sharpened, filled
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his oxygen tanks, for he planned to hunt underwater, and had gotten some
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waterproof ammunition for his emergency shotgun (not vital to Lamprey
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hunting, but handy in certain situations). He kissed his mommy good-bye
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(he was 37, but he still lived with his parents.. Lamprey hunting does <-\
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not afford one much opportunity to make money, and also, its not a great |
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way to pick up chicks) and headed off for the lake. /
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{GeT a LiFe!} /
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The Lampreys knew that Pete was a threat, he was one of the most
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deadly hunters they had ever seen, besides the infamous Nyarlathotep, so
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they posted sentinels near his house. A squad of lesser land Lampreys
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was constantly patrolling his house, and at any sign of hunter activities,
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they would rush back to base and inform them. However the squad leader
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on this day was a little over zealous... he wanted to take matters in
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his own hands and attack Pete himself.
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One might think "How can a squad of 5 lesser Lampreys hope to
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win against a skilled Lamprey hunter?" Well, they didn't stand a chance.
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Theoretically at least. Unfortunately for Pete, he had his weapons in
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his backpack, for he was confident that no Lampreys would be so close to
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his house. (THIS IS WHAT NOT TO DO ON A LAMPREY HUNT: NEVER, NEVER,
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NEVER LEAVE YOURSELF UNDEFENDED) <=- {The MoRaL of the Story!}
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The Lampreys pounced on him, surprising him, and quickly knocked
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him out due to bludgeoning and loss of blood. They could have easily
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killed him, but the squad leader thought he'd get more acclaim for him
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and his squad. He'd bring Pete back for questioning... and this they did.
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*********{COOL TRANSITION LINE!}*********
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Pete woke up some place dark and smelly. He reached for his
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backpack, but alas, it was gone. Luckily for him, he always hid some
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emergency supplies upon his body and in his clothes. He ripped the
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matches out of his jacket lining, and lit one. He could see that he was
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in some sort of cavern, and that the way out was barred... He noticed
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to his horror that the cell was guarded by a two headed venomous
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Lamprey. These beasts are over 8 feet long, can survive on dry land for
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several days, and their bite can release a powerful nerve toxin that
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could kill a man in minutes. They do have one weakness however, which we
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will get to later.
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Pete looked at the lock to the cell (the Lamprey was across the
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hall and couldn't see what he was doing). It was a simple lock, and Pete
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was a good boy and read his Lockpicking t-files {what an anarchist wannabe}
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when he was a boy. A minute later the cell was unlocked, and Pete was all
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but free. Now what he had to do is get past the guard.
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Now, not many people know this, but the two headed venomous Lamprey
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has very peculiar vision. Unlike most predators that see only quick
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movements, this beast sees only slow movements. It is also quite deaf, but
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it does posses a thermal detection similar to pit vipers.
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It knew that Pete was in the hallway the second he got out, and
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began slithering over to him. Hoping to surprise the beast, Pete charged by,
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leaving the poor Lampreys vision in the dust, and escaping down a tunnel.
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Luckily at the end of the tunnel was his backpack and gear. Pete pulled
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out his machete, checked to make sure that his shotgun was loaded, and
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attached his axe by his side.
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Strangely there seemed to be no Lampreys there. But of course he
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was hopelessly lost in a subterranean Lamprey Fortress. Luck was with Pete
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that day, and the path he took led him straight to an exitway. Unluckily it
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was guarded by a squad of electric Lampreys. His machete and axe would be
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all but useless here, as any blow had the potential of knocking him
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unconscious, due to the Lamprey's large electrical output. It was for
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times like these that Pete carried his shotgun. Unfortunately it was
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only a doublebarrel shotgun, and it would be unpractical to reload in
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the heat of battle (he made a mental note to invest in a pump actions).
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But it was sawed off, and if he was lucky the spread would be enough to at
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least injure all 4 Lampreys.
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The Lampreys were positioned two on either side of the door.
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perfectly grouped for his two blasts. Pete snuck up as close as he
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dared, pointed and BLaM BLaM, he fired both shots in rapid succession,
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blowing one lamprey to smithereens, and knocking 2 others back into the
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wall. However one remained unscathed. This Lamprey quickly pulled the
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lever that slammed down the wooden portcullis, and raised the alarm. A
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smile could almost be seen on his jawless face as he approached Pete,
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electricity arcing, the smell of ozone in the air.
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Pete knew his chances were poor. Electric Lampreys are hard to
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fight hand-to-hand unless you are properly equipped with non-conducting
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equipment. But still he had an idea. He threw his machete with all his
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might, praying to slaw the fiend. The blade flew through the air and
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made contact, but that only served to enrage the Lamprey more...
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electricity bolted down its length. It let out a hiss, and Pete swung
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his shotgun at it, letting go the moment before impact. The Lamprey was
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thrown to the ground, stunned. This at least bought Pete some time.
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He couldn't reload, because he dared not touch the shotgun,
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still in contact with the Lamprey. His only hope was to cut through the
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portcullis with this axe before the Lamprey came to its senses. He
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charged the thick wooden door and began chopping like made, in a
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beserker furry. One beam cut, two beams cut, three beams cut, four. With
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a mighty blow he knocked out a small square in the door, just as he
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heard reinforcements coming down the hall. He dove through the door,
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into a wooded area.
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He then ran as fast as he could. He knew not where he was, but
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he knew they would be following him. He had to get as far away from
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there as possible as fast as he possibly could. He ran and ran and ran
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{and ran} for close to 45 minutes, when he came upon a house. He knocked
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on the door and passed out on the porch.
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A little while later a woman answered the door, and saw Pete
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lying on her porch. At first she panicked, but then she decided she'd
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better help him out. She dragged him into the house, and gave him some
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water. He soon revived. He asked the woman where he was. Elgin was her
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reply, He realized that he was quite far from his house, and then
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realized he didn't even know what time it was. What day even. He found
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out it was early Sunday morning, which explained the far distance. Only
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then did he remember that the Lampreys were following him.
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"Lampreys?" she inquired "Why are there Lampreys following you?"
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He told her that he'd explain, but first he'd better call his mom and
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tell her that he was all right. After a prolonged phone call ("Are you
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sure you're all right dear? I was worried sick...") he told the woman the
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story of his hunt go awry.
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"You hunt Lampreys?" she asked. "I'm sort of a Lamprey hunter
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myself, part time. Linda's the name." she added, when she realized
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that they hadn't introduced on another. "But speaking of Lampreys, we'd
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better get prepared in case they attack. I doubt they followed you
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here, but... just in case..." she walked down to here basement and came
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up with a couple of machetes and a pump-action shotgun, "We better be
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prepared. I'll lock all the windows and doors." She flipped a switch on
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the wall and steel gratings covered the windows, and the familiar hum of
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magnetic locks could be heard on the door.
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"I bet you're starved" said Linda, "How 'bout I make you a
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grilled cheese sandwich. I do it very well. I make a large puddle of
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butter in the pan, and cook it until it is nice and golden brown, and it
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becomes crunchy, and not too chewy..."
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Having not eaten for 24 hours, Pete agreed, and found the
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sandwich much to his liking. The Lampreys never did come.
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Will Linda and Pete's Future look bright? Will a lamprey onslaught
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occur? WILL LINDA SHARE MORE OF HER RECIPES?!?!?!?!? Learn all this, AND MORE,
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in the Next installment.... of "Pete".
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¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯[MiLK] Information®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®®
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[MiLK] Sights - The Obloid Sphere (708)965-3098
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[MiLK] Member Listing - James Hetfield
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Nyarlathotep
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Epic
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[MiLK] Issue Number - 6
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[MiLK] Issue Size - 10156 Bytes
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[MiLK] Date of Production: 01/06/94
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¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ Save a Potato! They Might Be Worth Something! ®®®®®®®®®®®®®®
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