440 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
440 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
Mike's Madness #24
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Dude, when there's a flood comin', you should bail.
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No one needs to be told this. You know that when the water's
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over the Buick, it's time to jam. I know the parakeet and the Barry
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Manilow collection are back in the Airstream, but its far better to be
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without a vinyl archive of badly drond crap and a shit machine with
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feathers than buried under a stone that reads:
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Here lies
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[YOUR NAME HERE]
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BORN: Whenever
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DIED: After ignoring the 15th or 20th
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warning and this huge ol' fuckin' flood
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came barreling outta the mountains at
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mach 8 and swept him/her and that ugly
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goddamned green Gremlin he/she usedta
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drive clean out to the Pacific where five
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dolphins stole the car and drove it to
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Jamaica where they traded it for 3 pounds
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of bud and some naked pictures of Flipper.
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"This dude bailed much too late."
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I watched this flood on CNN the other day. CNN: The 24 hour a
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day misery channel. I shit you not - if there's some abject human
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misery goin' on in the world, CNN is there. You see this shit all the
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time! Like in Croatia, they got this poor goddamn woman sobbing her
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lungs out because her husband and father of like 200 children stepped
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on a goddamn landmine and his testicals bounced off the MIR space
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station and there's fuckin' Peter Arnett askin' her how she feels
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about the current conflict. How do you think she feels? She's gonna
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have to whore for a living now, or worse - run for the presidency
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under the name Patrick Buchanan.
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Actually, whenever I see that fat Irish bastard on TV, a day
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pass for Hinkley doesn't seem like such a bad idea. I'd kinda like to
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write a letter that says:
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"Dear Johnny,
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Waste that Mick fuck and I'll blow your nuts off.
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Signed -
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Jodie"
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(can I get sued for that?).
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What bad acid dream did that scumbag crawl outta, anyway
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(Buchanan, not Hinkley, tho' you should read the Nixon/Mussolini
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sidenote down about 25 lines)?
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But I digress.
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So anyway, there was this flood down in Ventura County and
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like people's trailers were all washin' out to the Pacific. DUDE! What
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is it with mobile/trailer homes and natural disasters?! We already
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know that Mobile Home == Tornado Magnet. Like "superconducting,
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supercooled, electro-tornado" magnet. Tornados have been known to
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travel miles out of their way to wreck mobile homes. Back in 1965, a
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tornado got on a DC-10 in Newark, flew to Des Moines, got off the
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plane, wrecked the fuck outta every mobile home within 12 light years,
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got back on the plane, went back to New Jersey, got on another plane
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and went to Atlantic City where it hit a $125,000 jackpot at the Trump
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Castle and got a complimentary handjob from Marla Maples. It wasn't
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the worst tornado in US history, but it had a very bad attitude and
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had to stay after school several times in its youth.
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Maybe mobile trailer homes are like POT to tornados! You know,
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when tornados are young and everything, they go to school and just
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knock over stuff like billboards and the occasional outhouse, but
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every now and then one knocks over a mobile home and it's a case of
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'good tornado gone bad.' First it's just a mobile home or two, then
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its wreckin' whole cities.
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JUST SAY NO TO MOBILE HOMES! (heh heh heh)
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Just where in the fuck does that fat swine Buchanan think he
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can get off running for president after the shit he pulled under
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Nixon?! Is our collective memory so bad that we have forgotten and
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forgiven Tricky Dick and the armies of swine he fathered? We're all
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"Oh, he was a victim." BULL-SHIT! He is guiltier than fuck, uglier
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than a plane wreck and meaner than a shit eattin' dog with rabies.
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People better than him have ended their days dangling from a lightpost
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or catching bullets (or in the case of Benito Mussolini, both). I say
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we string the bastard (Nixon, not Mussolini, tho' serious genetic
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testing would be needed to truly know the difference) up and let A-10
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pilots use his corrupt, pus-filled body as target practice. I don't
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really hate Richard Nixon, but God knows there ain't much to like
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about the man.
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Oh yeah, original thesis - "If there's a flood comin', you should bail."
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Y'know, people always do stupid shit during disasters. Example:
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TV announcer: "Dude! There's a huge ol' tornado coming! People living
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in mobile homes are advised to get a life and move to
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another state."
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Dumbfuck: "Eeewweeee! Looks like we're in for a heap-a weather!
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Yessiree bob! Gonna blow harder than Jim Bakker after
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lights out!"
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TV Announcer: "Dudes, BAIL!"
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Dumbfuck: "I think I'll just sit here and open a cold one and watch
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WWF wrestling . . ."
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Tornado: "NO! - Fuck YOU!"
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TV Announcer: "Local dumbfuck Fred Tittwirller went off to
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(1 day later) whatever white trash heaven his sort go to after a
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tornado blew his mobile home halfway to Nevada.
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He'll be missed - like a case of clap."
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So dude, if there's like a tornado, or hurricane, or flood, or
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even your flatulent cousin Erine is coming, and even if you don't live
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in a mobile home - BAIL! Grab your stash and make a dash, then stand
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by while getting high! Remember - it's better to be a head than a
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headline.
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Peace be with you.
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And now . . .
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Some funny stuff
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(funny in the same sorta way that jokes about bestiality are funny.
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And if you think such jokes are indeed humorous, you oughta love this).
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NEXT TIME!
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ON AN
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* * ALL NEW * *
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(previously viewed)
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* * ALL EXCITING * *
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(somewhat)
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Star Trek -
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The Next Generation:
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Young Ensign Crusher is caught touchin' 'imself and gets a
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lecture from the Pope.
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YES - the POPE!
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The bastion of decency and the Catholic Way!
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A man who gets things done!
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A man who inspires pride in the hearts of all men!
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A man who fondles sheep!
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A man who --
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(Wait a second, did we say "fondles sheep?". . . Uh, we meant "feels
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real deep," like in "The Pope feels real deep about that thing goin'
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on in Yugoslavia." That's what we meant. Um, can we start this again?
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No? Errmmm . . . Uh.. PLAN B! PLAN B!)
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# 62: Plan B
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# 62: Plan B
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And now A bit about Sherlock Holmes.
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Biographical note: Sherlock Holmes, the greatest detective ever, was
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the star of several books written in the Victorian era, when Britain
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ruled the world and off-coloured toadies in far away lands minded
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their own bloody business and didn't mewl on about freedom and
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independence and all that tripe.
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Among them:
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o Mahatma Ghandi
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(NO! The books, not the toadies!)
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Among them:
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o Sherlock Holmes Almost Steps in Shit
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o Sherlock Homes and the Drippy Case of Clap
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o Drop Your Pants, Watson
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o Sherlock Holmes Beats the Living Snot Outta Some Poor Sot
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for Sayin "No Shit Sherlock" in the Pull My Cock Pub.
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o Sherlock Holmes and the Naughty Reform School Girls
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(The Critics Rave!
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"Well Worth the Read!"
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- W. Kennedy Smith, Jr.
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I liked it!"
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- Right (and we do mean RIGHT) Honorable
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(and reportedly very well hung) Clarence Thomas
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"Not Enough Pictures"
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- R. Lowe, Actor (kinda)
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"Anyting da bitch said idda lie! I nebber touched da bitch!"
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- M. Tyson, Up to His Ass in the Shit
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"I'll give anyone 5 quid who'll kick Yeltsin square in the
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crotch"
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- Anon. Soviet Leader who is soon to be out of a
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job and will probably end up advertising Coca-Cola
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or some such other financial whorery.
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"What's a clitoris?"
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- D.Q., V.P.
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(and we DON'T mean Dairy Queen despite the fact
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he's about as smart as a Frosty)
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)
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o Sherlock Holmes and the Rank Ol' Beefer
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(HINT: Watson ate beans and rock snails the night before.
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No longer available in Scratch-'n'-Sniff version)
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o Sherlock Holmes Find His Ass in His Pants w/ Both Hands and a
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Flashlight
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o Sherlock Holmes Listens to Roger Waters Drone on About 'is Bloody Father
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For Like 6 CD's.
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(Oh yeah, dudes - you know Waters does it, too! Like 9 CD's
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this fucker goes on. "Final Cut" - killer album, great
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songs, wholly under-rated. Would be better called "My Father
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Got Killed in a Bloody War and Now I Gotta Big ol' Chip on
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My Shoulder". You wanna know how to piss Rog off? Go up to
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him and say "Dude - didn't you usedta be in Pink Floyd?". Oh
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yeah, dude! Totally sets 'im off and they gotta use like
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9000 cc of Thorazine to quiet the bastard back down again.
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And whoever said "Nothing sucks like a Hoover" (I said it,
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incidentally) never saw "The Wall at Berlin". Dudes, "sucks"
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is an understatement. Fuckin' Cindy Lauper?! The whole show
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should have been called "Roger Waters and his Massive Ego
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Spend Untold Millions To Shoot Himself in the Foot in front
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of Millions of People and No Small Number of Germans". Wanna
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know another way to set Roger Waters off? Remind him that
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record stores still sell "Momentary Lapse of Reason". Or
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that Doctor Dimento is playin' cuts off of Berlin Wall on
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his show. Matter fact, there's no small number of ways to
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set Roger Waters off. David Gilmour will sell you a list of
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at least 20,000 and Waters' home address for like 9p.
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Dudes -- killer deal. Jump on it.)
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o Sherlock Holmes Earns 5 Quid From Some Russian
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o Sherlock Holmes Finds Watson's Ass in His Pants w/o the Flashlight
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o Sherlock Holmes and the Free Rectal Examin . . .
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RIGHT!
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STOP THAT!
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STOP THAT THIS MINUTE!
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We will NOT have slanderous tripe flung about that Sherlock
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Holmes is in anyway a poofter! Sherlock Holmes is a man to whom
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England owes much, even though he is as fictitious as a Democratic
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victory in '92. Regardless, Mr. Holmes is a masculine sort of pederast
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. . . MAN! who, uh, can we start this again?
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SHERLOCK HOLMES
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(NOT a poofter!)
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&
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BRUCIE
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(Ahem, well . . .)
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in
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"HELLO SAN FRANCISCO - You Luscious Bitch!"
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(Filmed in ButtslammOvision (tm))
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RIGHT!
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THAT'S IT!
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DO SOMETHING ELSE OR WE'RE HAULIN' YOU IN!
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And now we present without further ado . . .
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* Should I have an enema or eat spaghetti?
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* Should I drive my new Firebird offa Coastal 1?
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* Should I blow $700 on 1-900 numbers?
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-Troubled by the uncertainty of life?
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-Wish you knew more about the future so you could stop making a total
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schmuck of yourself?
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-Willing to throw massive amounts of cash down the sewer?
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THEN CALL MADAME CLOACA!
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* * * * Astrologer to the Stars! * * * *
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(i.e. Vega, Deneb, Castor, Pollux, etc.
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NGC and Messier objects need not apply)
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Madame Cloaca has something for you, and it's a big, fat SCAM!
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Eeew-eee! It's a ripe 'un, too! You can smell this fucker clear over
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stateline! Yup, they don't hardly come bigger than that. Well, that
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is if you don't include the Reagan administration. Actually, I wish we
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hadn't. Oh yeah - Madame Cloaca, who almost predicted the tragic
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explosion of the shuttle Challenger, who was almost right about that
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last Superbowl and who could have foretold the comin' of Gorby if the
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neighbor's HAM set hadn't screwed up her powers (despite what that
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nasty judge said at the suit)! Madame Cloaca will make up some tripe
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and record it on a tape and charge you a mere $275 a millisecond to
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hear such startling revelations as:
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o God is comin' back and he's gonna open for Floyd!
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o Nancy Reagan will turn into a giant vagina and swallow up Orange
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County. (Richly deserved, I say!)
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o Apple computers will come up with a computer that costs $23,000 and
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runs at .5 mhz.
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o The Pope will hawk up a huge blood looge during Easter Mass in the
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shape of the Virgin Mary. Dan Quayle eats it on a dare.
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(eeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww! Dude, have you ever had
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like a REALLY bad cold and you got this ball of gunk
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stuck between your nose and the back of your throat and
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like your trying to suck this bastard out and you keep
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pullin' on it all day and finally after you drink like hot
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soup and give a final back-of-the-mouth suction pull, it
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finally rips loose and fills your mouth with a wad of raw,
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bacteria-laden, yellow phlegm the size of a tennis ball?
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You know, the really sticky kind you can spit down the
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side of a twelve story building and not break the strand?
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The kind that's usually like this diseased, yellow color with
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a huge, red, blood streak in it? Know the type? Well, I
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hocked one at a horseback cop from the top of a four
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story parking garage during some downtown rally I was
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at, and I nailed the cop so hard it knocked his hat off! It
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was a C&C (cold AND crank) lootch, too! I'm pretty
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damn proud of that and I'm willing to tell this story to
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friends and family members for a nominal speaking fee. I
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even more willing NOT to tell this story to friends and
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family for a slightly higher fee. Matter of fact, gimme a
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$20 and I'll never tell anyone you read this crap. Write for
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more details).
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o There will very soon be a re-edit of the ever-popular Rudolf the
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Rednosed Reindeer . . .
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Here's a little treat I was gonna release during Christmas, but
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vehimate objections from several decency groups prevented me.
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Well, Christmas is over, they've forgotten and I haven't. Will you
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please clear your throats and hold your noses and join me in a
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stirring round of -
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Rudolf the Red-Reared Reindeer
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------------------------------
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Rudolf the Red-Reared Reindeer
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Always had the reindeer runs.
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Gallons of foul ejecta
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Sprayed from right between his buns
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All of the other reindeer
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Usedta cry and shout and scream
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When they found shitty ol' Rudolf,
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was gonna lead their reindeer teams.
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Then one stormy Christmas eve
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Santa came to say:
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"If one more shitstorm comes to pass
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I'll jam this cork up Rudolf's ass!"
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All of the other reindeer
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shouted out with joyful glee,
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(I know it's an oxymoron, so shoot me.)
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and Rudolf the Red-Reared Reindeer
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Exploded over Lockerbie!
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(Like a certain 7-4-7 . . .)
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I'm gonna burn in Hell for that one, I just know it . . .
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-----
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Welp, solly it's only taken me like 3 years to write another one of these
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things. Thanx to everybody who took upon themselves the absolutely
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thankless task of writing and prodding me into cranking more of this
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vicious tripe out. Special thanx to my tovarich in Florida (where men are
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men and manatees are oft sore) who keeps an archive of this crap. Very
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special thanx to my good friend and comrade Mr. Steven "I'm goin' back to
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China, to China, to China" Bancroft (unix address below). He's the one who
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fields the mail, edits the Madness and gets it out on the net. He does a
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killer job and I owe him, and the rest of you dudes, much.
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Someone get me a fuckin' insulin shot before I keel.
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I lost 3 unpublished Madnesses to a vicious little fuck of a program called
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"Speed Store" included with DR DOS 6.0. Both these programs should be
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avoided like a drunken, L.A. cop and if I ever meet the fucker who wrote
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that Speedstore piece of garbage, he's gonna answer to my 108 megs of lost
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data with his ass. I think I'm not gonna be pickin' on Apple anymore. Heh
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heh heh.
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S' be cool, bros. Catchya later!
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Noxious garbage parading around as reading material written by:
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Mike "Under an ounce is decriminalized? Sorry ossifer, I thought it was
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under a POUND!" Beebe
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-----
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(C) 1992 Yucks For You, Inc.
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Comments & Flames to Author: Mike Beebe (currently has no mail address, send
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all feedback to address below and they will be
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forwarded to him.)
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Mailing List Requests: smbancroft@ucdavis.edu (Steven Bancroft)
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All Back-issues are available by E-mail request from <smbancroft@ucdavis.edu>
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or by anonymous ftp from <bikini.cis.ufl.edu> [128.227.224.1] in directory
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/pub/mikesmad. "Thanks Eric!"
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