420 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
420 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
Mike's Madness #23
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This is a test of the Mike's Madness Emergency Alert System (WOMBAT). The
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programmers of this network node have created this system in the event that
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another Mike's Madness issue is released.
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This is only a test . . .
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[30 seconds of some horrible screeching noise]
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This has been a test of the Mike's Madness Emergency Alert System. Had this
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been an acutal Mike's Madness release, the message you just heard would have
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been followed by retching, vomitting, swearing, the turning off of computer
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terminals and several sickening references to beastiality.
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This concludes this test of the Mike's Madness Emergency Alert System
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(PLATYPUS). We now return you to "Star Trek - The Next Generation"
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Captain's Log, Stardate 4/14/67 -
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While en route to the planet Dung, we have encountered an intergalatic trader
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. . .
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Cap't: Open hailing frequencies, Mr. Warped . . .
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Trader [smokin' a massive reefer]: Oh hey man! Dude, you wanna buy some BUD?
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Cap't: Bud?
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Data: Yes Captain - marijuana. Pot. Reefer. Smoke . . .
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Cap't: Thank you, Mr. Data . . .
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Data: . . . Spliff. Rasta. 13. M. Ganja . . .
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Cap't: Not AGAIN!!
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Data: . . . Shit. Weed. Tea. Joint. Kif . . .
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Cap't: Mr. Crusher, in the future you are to refrain from teaching Commander
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Data new words!
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Data: . . . Humbolt High. Panama Red. Columbian Gold . . .
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Trader: Yeah, THAT!
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Data: . . . Haze. Northern Lights. Hash Plant . . .
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Cap't: Mr. Data, execute the following instruction:
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10 GOSUB 10.
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Data: Out of Memory Error in 10 [falls off chair like a drunken Australian
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politician, as if there is any other kind]
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Cap't: Mr. Trader, we here in the 24'th Century have no need for the plant
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you refer to as marijuana.
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Trader: Whyzzat?
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Cap't: Because we get WIRED all day instead! [whips out mirror with a huge
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white line, snorts the whole thing.]
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Cap't: All ahead warp factor 2 ga-zillion! Engage!
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[Enterprise zooms off]
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Trader: Fucking crank fiends!
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And now . . .
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# 32: The Oral Sex
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# 32: The Oral Sex
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Woman: (suck suck suck suck) Mmmmmmm... sooo goooood. (lick, suck suck suck)
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I looove it in my mouth! Right in my mouth! (lick lick, suck)
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Man: Aaahhhh, aaahhh, AAH! (pant pant) Ohhhhhhh, ohhhh YES! Ahh. Suck me
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harder! Ahhh! Oh god I'm going to COME! Ah! AHHHH! Ah? Uh..., why'd ya
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quit?
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Woman: I read once that semen is made up of sugar. I have to think of
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my figure, you know!
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Man: Oh, don't worry Honey -- this is Semen-Low! It's made with Nutra-Sweet.
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So it's got half the calories of regular jizz, but it still has that
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same great taste!
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Woman: Semen-Low, eh? I'll have to give it a try! (*SLUUUUUURP!*)
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(fade out)
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Voice Over: "Semen-Low -- Good to the last Swallow!"
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Juan Corona had a farm,
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EE-II-EE-II-O
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And on the farm he had some migrants . . .
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But not for long.
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Okay folks, from now on, anyone who uses this goofy ":-)" thing should
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have their head submerged in a bucket of vomit for a period of not less
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than 30 seconds.
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Penalties for other forms of computer kitsch:
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Variation Punishment
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--------- ----------
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;-) Quite a hard kick to the groin
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|-) A belt in the mouth
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\-) Nipples pulled out 3 inches
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:-> Death
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:-< More death
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:-/ Death, Death, Torture and Death
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:-] Knees nailed together (approved by the Vatican)
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:-[ Head sawn open
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|-{ Forced to sniff a German's armpit
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;-{ Twice! (No shit here guys -- you do this one and you should
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have your nose surgically attached the left pit of
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some bloated Austrian bastard named Hans who
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recalls fondly that HIS Stuka wing took out more
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orphanages than any other airwing in history.
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Oh yeah, guys -- they do have people like this in
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Bavaria. You meet 'em at Octoberfest where they
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chortle with their pals as past glories are relived
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in the fuzzed thinking that's usually associated
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associated with 25 years of drinking.
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"Hans," one'll chuckle, "you rotten Austrian
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bastard, do you recall the vrail slip ov a girl ve
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saw in Poland vun morning back in '44? Such a
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fragile girl. Vas such shame da 500 pound
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magnesium bomb vent ovv in vront of her." (HAAHAHA)
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And now for a letter from one of my readers . . .
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Dear Mike,
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I admit that your column is occasionally funny (occasionally).
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But I must wholly protest at this persecution of those of us who like to
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use cheap and schlocky ASCII graphics. :-). HEY! LEGGO! No! NO! I'M SORRY!
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I'LL NEVER DO IT AG-
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SPLUNGE!
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BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB BLUB . . .
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And now . . .
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#14: Two bits about Germany
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#14: Two bits about Germany
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Let's examine the idea of a unified Germany from a hysterical point of view.
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Germans are nice people. They have nice families. They drive nice cars.
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They're lead by a man named Helmut Kohl.
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The man's named after a head covering and a flammable rock!
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[Nicely dressed lady standing by warm, crackling fire. Christmas music plays
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in background. Stockings are hung by the fire with care. Unfortunately not
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enough care, because they are all smoldering.]
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Lady: I love the Holidays. Giving presents, seeing old friends, getting
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mindlessly smashed on Egg Nog and screwing the help. And all the wonderful
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Christmas stories! But my kids have heard all those stories before! And
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they're soooooo uneducational. Aren't there any Christmas stories that are
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new and explore the childhood psychosis of German World War II leaders?
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Announcer: Funny you should ask that!
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Lady: There hasn't been anything remotely funny about this whole episode!
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[BANG!] [thud]
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* N E W T H I S C H R I S T M A S *
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Announcer: This Christmas, K-GEL and Oh Bloody Hell Records bring you a new
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holiday story that reflects the "True Spirit Of Christmas" [(c), TM, RTM, 1990
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'La Grande Scam' Productions]. This Christmas, or whenever you've smoked far
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too much dope, join us for this enchanting, heart-warming tale . . .
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ADOLF HITLER MEETS SANTA CLAUS
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------------------------------
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(Before I began this, I'd better tell ya that a "vels" is the Germanic
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pronunciation of "wels" [or Sheatfish], an enormous catfish that eats
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people and lives nowhere near Austria, but only because of immigration
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restrictions.)
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Santa: "Comen ze 'ere, A-dolf. You vas a naughty boy again zis year!"
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Hitler: "Nien! I vas gooten boy, Zanta! Honest!"
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"You vas a rotten bastard, you mean!"
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"I vas nice all year long!"
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"You ved your sishter to a vels, you little bastard!"
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"NEIN! She vell in der river!"
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"NEIN! You pushed her in vit der shtick! Und zen der vels e't her! Und you,
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you vrotten Austrian bastard, you sat zere und laughed your ass off because
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you vaz eattink der Flyshpeck mushrooms again!"
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"She vas a slut! She deserved to be ved to der vels!"
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"Vas about der Goldbergs?! You ved zem to der vels alzo! All zerteen vamilies
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in der village! And vonce zey vas e't, you pushed in der extended vamily, der
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help, neighbors who couldn't get avay, any stray animals you vound, der entire
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101'st Airborne und half der Royal Cabinet. UND ZEY VAS ALL EATEN BY DER
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BLOODY VELS! Did you know zat halv the zhipping in Duetchland has been
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shtopped by a bloated, 7,000 ton catvish shtuck in der Rhine?!"
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"I have been gooten boy apart from zat!"
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"You lying bit of Teutonic nastiness! You stoned your art teacher to death!"
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"NEIN! WAS NOT STONINK MEIN DEAR ART TEACHER TO DEATH!"
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"Nein?"
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"Nein! I vas feedink him also to der vels!"
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"Und how many more unvortunate vretches did you feeded to der vels?"
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"Zeven!"
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"Zeven?"
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"Thouzand."
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"You are knowink vas you're gettink in der shtockink zis year, Adolf?"
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"A Panzer?"
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"Neinnnnnnn . . ."
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"A Shtuka?"
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"Ees wrong again!"
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"ACH! Is nicht gettink der coal AGAIN?"
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"YA! ZAT IS VRIGHT! CHOO ARE GETTINK DER COAL AGAIN!"
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-----
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"MIEN KAMPF! I'VE BEEN JEWED!"
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"Und do somethink about zat horrible moustache!"
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Also coming out this Christmas!
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First, there was the charming French (NOTE: This is the only place you've ever
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seen "charming" and "French" next to each other in a sentence. "French" is
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usually preceded by "obnoxious" or "revolting" and usually directly followed
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by "were directly responsible for an act of terrorism against a peaceful
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vessel anchored in neutral waters") movie "The Bear"
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>From Japan came "Milo and Otis"
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Now, from Duetchland Uber Allies Productions . . .
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Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer meets an ME-109!
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----------------------------------------------
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(Running time: 9 1/2 seconds)
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"Death's Head Squadron - Rudolf at 4 o' clock!"
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"Ach-tu-leeben! Zere vill be venison ober Dusseldorf tonight!"
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[mmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMR R R R R R R A A A A W W !]
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[* BR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-ACK! BR-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-R-ACK! *]
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"Mayday! Mayday! This is Santa One! I'm hit! I'm hit! I'm going down over the
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Rhineland! Donner and Blitzen are on fire and Rudolf's out completely! MAYDAY!
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MAYDAY!"
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[cut to inside of a shabby cottage on the Rhine]
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Mother [to about 50 poorly dressed starving children]: I'm sorry children,
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your father has been busted for sexually molesting a wallaby and is in der
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klink. There'll be no venison for Christmas this year."
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[Bullet-ridden body of Rudolf falls through the roof, killing her instantly]
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Children: Hooray! We'll have venison! Hooray!
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[Santa's sled and six flaming reindeer crash brutally through the roof,
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killing the whole lot].
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THE END
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A "Ve Have Vays Of Making You Talk" Production
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Coming soon to Cable!
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Ted Turner and the Roman Catholic Church present . . .
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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J E S U S C H R I S T S U P E R S T A T I O N
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Available on your local cable network
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Price: 75 Hail Marys, 2 Our Fathers and 25 years in Purgatory. Consult your
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local clergy before purchasing.
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NEW from Fecal-Soft . . .
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Looking for adventure?
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Looking for education?
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Looking to blow $45 on utter garbage?
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LOOK NO FURTHER!
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It'ssssssssssss . . .
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--------------------------------------
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WHERE IN THE ZORK IS CARMEN SAN DIEGO?
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--------------------------------------
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We combine the finest text adventure ever written with the educational hit of
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the 1980's! Just look at this exciting scene!
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Carmen San Diego Room.
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----------------------
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This room is a large orifice carved into the solid granite of the mountain
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side. Exits lead south and east.
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Carmen San Diego is standing here.
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Your sword is glowing blue.
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>GET CARMEN SAN DIEGO
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You must tell me sometime how to do that to the Carmen San Diego.
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>TAKE CARMEN
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Which Carmen? The opera or Carmen San Diego?
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>SAN DIEGO
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Not a fucking chance.
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>BASTARD!
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Don't brag about your linage.
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>YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELLED OF ELDERBERRIES.
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Or Jesse Helms'
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>DIE!
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"Never say die!" -- John-Luc Picard
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>THIS SUCKS!
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So does your mother.
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>KILL CARMEN SAN DIEGO
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Your breath won't reach that far.
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>GET ALL
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Carmen San Diego: Taken.
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No Carmen San Diego: Taken.
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You won.
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Your final score is 10 points out of -2.
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This gives you the rank of Rank.
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C:\"GAMES"\CARMEN>PARITY ERROR 1. PLEASE RE-BOOT.
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Also from Fecal-Soft:
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---------------------
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Where in Sacramento is Carmen SanDiego?
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Where in the Projects is Carmen SanDiego?
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Where is the Bitch?
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AND COMING SOON!
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----------------
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Leisure Suit Larry at the Happy Land Social Club!
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"No! I said a BUD Light!"
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---
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* * * NOW AVAILABLE AT YOUR LOCAL K-MART * * *
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KIBBLES AND TITS!
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AND TITS!
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AND TITS!
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A good meal and a nice pair -- What more could your dog want?
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Wholly repulsive and socially unacceptable drek written by:
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Mike "Keep on sendin' them foxes!" Beebe
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-----
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(C) 1990 Yucks For You, Inc.
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Comments & Flames to Author: (Mike Beebe)
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<spked!sactoh0!smb@ucdavis.edu>
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OR
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<smb@sactoh0.sac.ca.us>
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Mailing List Requests: smbancroft@ucdavis.edu (Steven Bancroft)
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