226 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
226 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
Mike's Madness #16
|
|
|
|
I'm not a man who has a lot to say, but I like to say it often.
|
|
|
|
|
|
It's America's most hazardous game show!
|
|
|
|
It's . . .
|
|
|
|
FEDERAL JUDGES OPEN THEIR MAIL!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Today's contestant is Federal Judge Roy B. Parkus! And Judge Parkus
|
|
got this in the mail . . .
|
|
|
|
B O O M !
|
|
|
|
. . . today. Well, bad luck there, Parky. So that leaves the score
|
|
Racists 3, U.S. Judges nada. And don't forget this week's Helpful Hint:
|
|
If it's ticking, don't open it. Bye now!
|
|
|
|
FEDERAL JUDGES OPEN THEIR MAIL is sponsored by:
|
|
|
|
The U.S. Postal Service
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dear Sirs,
|
|
|
|
I have been a judge all me life, and only exploded 3 times.
|
|
|
|
Right Hon. Jacob L. Spameater
|
|
(age 6)
|
|
|
|
P.S. Why can't we have a bit about Rudolf Hess?
|
|
|
|
|
|
"Oh look, it's Rudolf Hess!"
|
|
"Blimey! It is!"
|
|
"Wot's 'e doin' over by Mrs. 'enley's?"
|
|
"'e's committin' an act of Nazi oppression!"
|
|
"Right on Mrs. 'enley's roses! I shall ring the police!"
|
|
|
|
[dial]-[dial]-[dial]
|
|
BrrrrBrrrr BrrrrBrrrr Brr
|
|
[click]
|
|
|
|
"Hello, Links Dept!"
|
|
"I'd like to speak to the constable in the next sketch."
|
|
"Righty-O!"
|
|
|
|
BrrrrBrrrrr BrrrrrBrrrr B
|
|
[click]
|
|
|
|
"Constable Wombat of the Next Sketch, can I 'elp you?"
|
|
|
|
"Rudolf 'ess is committin' acts of Nazi oppression in Mrs.
|
|
'enley's roses again!"
|
|
|
|
"Can't 'elp ya, Mrs. Skinhead. We got Joseph Stalin locked
|
|
in the men's loo at the Row."
|
|
|
|
"BLIMEY! Won't that have vast and complicated repercussions
|
|
on the changing face of Eurocommunism in pre-EEC Europe?"
|
|
|
|
"No."
|
|
|
|
"You're just sayin' that to calm the masses!"
|
|
|
|
"I'm not going to have to send the van around again am I,
|
|
Mrs. Skinhead?"
|
|
|
|
"No no no . . ."
|
|
|
|
"Look, just go out there and tell Rudolf to get out of Mrs.
|
|
Henley's roses. Then throw rocks at him 'til he does."
|
|
|
|
"Thank god for the police department!"
|
|
|
|
"Sod off you old whore!" [click!]
|
|
|
|
|
|
Q: What happened to your legs, my good man?"
|
|
A: Sawed off, you old whore.
|
|
|
|
(#12 in a series of things NEVER to say to the Queen unless she
|
|
says them first)
|
|
|
|
|
|
"'oo said that, then?"
|
|
"Said wot?"
|
|
"Sawed off, you old whore."
|
|
"BLIMEY! I was just ASKIN'!"
|
|
"NO, that's wot they SAID!"
|
|
"'oo said?"
|
|
"Shut up and see wot's on the telly!!"
|
|
|
|
[click]
|
|
|
|
"We are Guns 'n Roses
|
|
We sing loud and lame
|
|
If you sing anything loud enough
|
|
It all sounds just the same!
|
|
We're Guns 'n Roses
|
|
We're Guns 'n Roses
|
|
Please buy our C-C-C-D!"
|
|
|
|
[click]
|
|
|
|
"Tonight Channel 3 News has learned that Betty Vasquez dyes her hair!"
|
|
(Yeah, like that was any big secret)
|
|
|
|
[click]
|
|
|
|
"Tonight on This Old House, we're gonna jam Norm's face into the band
|
|
saw for bein' such a smartass upstart! Oh yeah, just you wait 'til HE
|
|
forgets the building permit! I'll bet they don't shitcan him like they did
|
|
ME! Pushed ME right out the door! It was all about 'Asta Bob, C-ya!' and
|
|
I was outta a job! Fuckers."
|
|
|
|
[click]
|
|
|
|
"Doctor, what's that?!"
|
|
"It's a large pile of dung, Leela."
|
|
|
|
[click]
|
|
|
|
"In Bistol, England today, rock musician and star of Pink Floyd/
|
|
The Wall Bob Geldorf said he's had it up to his ass with worthy causes and
|
|
instead would seek huge sums of cash for personal gain.
|
|
|
|
So did Donald Trump."
|
|
|
|
(I tell that joke in the sincerest hope that history places Mr. Trump
|
|
up with others of his ilk, including Nero, Caligula, William Randolf Hearst
|
|
and Leona Helmsley, who shoulda gotten 5,000 years as ship's whore on the
|
|
Star of Bulgaria.)
|
|
|
|
[click]
|
|
|
|
"The BBC would like to announce that Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher
|
|
is dead. Unfortunately she's not."
|
|
|
|
[click]
|
|
|
|
"OHHHH WILLLLLLLLBURRRRRRRRR! Not the baseball bat, Willllburrrrr!"
|
|
|
|
[click]
|
|
|
|
... tonight on Masterpiece Theater, we see episode three of Ron the
|
|
Bastard's immortal "Drop 'em, Love", a story about a man and his obsession
|
|
with sailors ...
|
|
|
|
[click]
|
|
|
|
Hi kids, Ozzy Ozbourne 'ere for Dexa-Trim
|
|
|
|
*Buuurrrrr - RAaAaAaAP*!
|
|
|
|
Gawd, sorry about that; it's the bleedin' Bangers and Bass I 'ad for
|
|
breakfast. OI! When do I get paid for this?!
|
|
|
|
[click][K
|
|
|
|
"Turn the bastard off!"
|
|
|
|
[CLICK!]
|
|
|
|
------
|
|
Why I don't give my number to people who fry anymore . . .
|
|
|
|
3:45 am:
|
|
|
|
RIIIIIING RIIIIIIIING RIIIIIIIIING
|
|
|
|
"Hello?"
|
|
"I just saw Gurbymurble!"
|
|
"You saw who? Who the hell is this?"
|
|
"James! I saw Gurbymurble!"
|
|
"Who the hell is Gurbymurble?"
|
|
"That Russian dude!"
|
|
"You mean Gorbachov?"
|
|
"Yeah, that dude!"
|
|
"You're calling me at 3:45 in the morning to say you saw Gorbachov on TV?!"
|
|
"No man, not on TV! I saw the dude at the 7-11!"
|
|
"What the hell would Gorbachov be doin' at the Darkville 7-11?"
|
|
"He was buyin' a pack of smokes!"
|
|
"The only reason Mikhail Gorbachov would be at the 7-11 buying a pack of
|
|
smokes at 3:45 in the morning is because you dropped five hits of acid at
|
|
midnight and have in fact seen Willy tryin' hold up the store again.
|
|
What, praytell, did this Mr. Gorbachov look like?"
|
|
"Uh, he was a tall black dude holding a .45."
|
|
"And when was the last time you saw Gorbachov holding a .45?"
|
|
"Tonight at the 7-11!"
|
|
"Uh-huh . . ."
|
|
"Hey dude! It's almost 4! What are you doin' up?"
|
|
"I'm talking to a moron."
|
|
"Aw fuck him! Listen, you won't believe what I saw!"
|
|
"You saw a black Mikhail Gorbachov holding up the 7-11 . . ."
|
|
"DUDE! Did I tell you about that?"
|
|
"YES! Yes you did, thank you!"
|
|
"I saw a 400 pound spider eat a cop!"
|
|
"Oh? And where did this little atrocity happen? Not at the 7-11
|
|
by any chance?"
|
|
"No man, on channel 31! It's a movie called 'A Big Ol' Fuckin' Spider
|
|
Eats a Cop'"
|
|
"More like '5 Hits of Acid Eats a Loadie's Brain'."
|
|
"I haven't had 5 hits of acid!"
|
|
"My sincerest apologies . . ."
|
|
"I've had 6!"
|
|
"Hang up the phone or I'm givin' the Jehovah's Witnesses your address."
|
|
"Where you think I got the 6 hits from?!"
|
|
|
|
S L A M ! !
|
|
|
|
-----
|
|
Welp, that's it for now. And remember: Don't play with yourself and drive --
|
|
it's not just a good idea, it's a good way to keep your car clean!
|
|
|
|
Wholly tactless humor (?) written by:
|
|
|
|
Mike "I'm not a writer, but I play one on TV" Beebe
|
|
|
|
(C) 1989 Yucks For You, Inc.
|
|
|
|
|