140 lines
5.4 KiB
Plaintext
140 lines
5.4 KiB
Plaintext
Mike's Madness #10
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. . . And now
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# 27: A bit about Chess
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A bit about Chess
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Here we are today at the match of the century! R. Capablanca vs. P.
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Morphy. This promises to be a great match as Capablanca is armed with an
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American Smith and Wesson .45 and the memory-expert Morphy has chosen a
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German Luger as his side-arm. Both players have been drinking heavily, so
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there should be violence-a-plenty for all! Here comes Capablanca. The Cuban
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is wholly pissed, staggering, and can hardly walk. And crawling on stage now
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is Morphy. This amazing American has been slamming brews since 6 this
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morning and can't see straight any more. The Arbiter comes over to make
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Capablanca and Morphy shake hands. . . but Morphy is giving Capablanca the
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bird instead! AND CAPABLANCA HAS GRABBED HIS CROTCH AND LIFTED SEVERAL
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TIMES!! That move is usually reserved for our Italian players . . . wait a
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second . . . MORPHY IS TELLING CAPABLANCA EXACTLY WHAT HE CAN WRAP HIS LIPS
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AROUND!! This is indeed exciting! Capablanca is entirely enraged now . . .
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AND SHOOTS MORPHY!! So, only a few seconds into this very arousing game,
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Capablanca is declared winner after wasting his American challenger! Well
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played for a Cuban greaser.
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Roger the Fox's adventures in Sacramento!
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Roger the Fox was a happy little fox. He lived in the lush and green
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forests of the Sierra Mountains in a snug little den. He had many friends:
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Barry the Badger, Harry the Hare, Sally the Squirel and Sal the Sodomite.
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Sal was Roger's very best friend and Roger often let him stick his arm
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in all the way to the elbow and . . .
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DEAR SIRS!
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That last bit was wholly revolting and completely without social
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value! This must stop now or we'll see a resurgence of the Labor Party!
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You've been warned!!!
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Go to Hell, you Jack-O bastards!
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Margaret Thatcher, P.M.
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. . . then Sal got out the Stuka and lubed Roger's as . . .
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RIGHT! RIGHT! I WARNED YOU! RIGHT?! I WARNED YOU!
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There will now follow a message from the Labor Party:
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"SCREW THE PRIME MINISTER!!! BACK TO THE BLEEDIN' STORY OR WE'LL GIVE YA
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THE BOOT TO THE 'EAD!"
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. . . Roger yipped in pain and Sal shoved the twin 50mm cannons in passed
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Roger's stretched . . .
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Dear Sirs,
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Must we have references to bestiality? You know boys, the Devil has a
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special level for people who practice that sort of thing! Just ask these
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famous people:
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Dr. John C. Lilly: Anything those dolphin's say is a lie! I never did
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nothin' like that. Well, maybe once. Or a few times.
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Quite a bit, actually. Like once and hour. Why can't
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they make air that lasts 3 or 4 hours?? I mean,
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you're just gettin' into it when *GASP*, you're outta
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bleedin' air!
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John Wayne: My horse was more than my best friend. We got married in
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Las Vegas and spent our honeymoon at the Sands.
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Hannibal: How do you think I got the elephants over the fucking Alps,
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anyway?
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Pavlov: You should have seen what the dogs would do when they heard
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TWO bells!
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C. Darwin: When presented the choice of sleeping with a turtle or a seal
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in the Galapagos, the seal was the natural selection.
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Lady Gogiva: Just outta fairness, I let the horse ride naked on me a few
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times.
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Ziegfried and Roy: We have a special trick that we don't usually show to
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the general public. It involves a lioness, a ripe
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cucumber and a handful of Vasaline.
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Greenpeace: Once we were sitting between a Russian whaler and a pod
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of whales and we yelled "Save the whales!". Well, this
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Russian sailor instead yelled "FUCK THE WHALES!".
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It was great.
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See boys, you could end up like these filthy little perverts. They're all
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goin' straight to Hell. So cut the shit, boys, or your gonads are going to
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be roasting over hellfire for enternity!
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Signed,
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The Pope.
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. . . Finally, Sal gave the tail a huge push and it glided smoothly up
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Roger's . . .
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Dear Sirs,
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Hey, you wouldn't know where we could find that fox with the Stuka up
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his ass, would ya? Or maybe a stoat with an ME-109 loged in its skull? Or a
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robin with a Panzer in it's craw? Do any of those come with ammo?
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Just curious,
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The American Nazi Party.
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"That letter wasn't REALLY from the Pope, was it?" Roger asked between
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winces.
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"Naww," Sal said. "The real Pope signs his name 'The Pope what you better
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listen to or I'll send a few bishops out to rough you up'."
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"I think that pilot wants his plane back," Roger said.
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"Okay, just turn around then and I'll yank it out," Sal replied.
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. . . And it was with this clever method of hiding dive-bombers in animal's
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alimentry canals that Hitler hoped to pull off the most daring of all the
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World War II missions . . .
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"Agnes, what's on the television, then?"
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"Shhh! It'a a documentary about World War II!"
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"Blimey! I've already seen World War II. Turn to BBC-2!"
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CLICK!
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"What's that, then?"
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"It looks like a soccer match!"
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"'oo is THAT!??"
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"It's bleedin' Hitler!"
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"OOH! So it is!"
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"What's 'e doin' there, then?"
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"He says Hull didn't save the last point because the Goalie was outta da
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box."
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"Well, I must say 'e's got a good eye, then."
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"YES! Durin' the war, he usedta ref for Bromsley!"
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"OOOOOOH! That IS impressive."
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"Yeees. What's on BBC-3?"
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CLICK!
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"It's Roger the Fox's Adventures in Sacramento!"
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"I seen it already. Turn it off."
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CLICK!
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