222 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
222 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
Mikes Madness #6
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And now . . .
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# 54 A fable
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A fable
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The fox and the wolf . . .
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So hanyway, this fox and this wolf were walking down Hollywood and Vine
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. . . (oops! Wrong kinda fox and wolf!) . . . uh . . . were trotting through
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the forest and the wolf belched. "Sorry," said the wolf apologetically,
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"Musta been someone I ate." Luckily, the fox shot him just behind the
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base of the skull, thereby saving us from another horrid pun like that.
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Did you ever wonder why you need a highschool degree to get into the
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service when all the manuals are written at a 5th grade reading level?
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Can you imagine Hitler bowling? Niether can I. I'm sure bowling was a
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lot of fun in Germany if you had a Panzer. "Ach! Another gotterdamerung
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gutter shell! Fritz, re-load that puppy with a 55mm hollow-point. I won't
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miss this time. The Stuka crews are 8 points ahead! Then again, I'm pretty
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sure a 500 pound bomb doesn't leave much standing."
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I can see Hitler water-skiing. But only when I'm wasted. Can you see
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Hitler as a father? "ACHTUNG! You vill be cleaning your room or you're
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going to bed without torturing any jews!"
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UCSB: U Can Study Buzzed. Saw it on a tee-shirt.
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Welp, if I haven't dug my grave deep enough with that previous Australia
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quiz, here we go with one more . . .
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Dear Sirs!
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Why can't we have more quizes about Italians?
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Signed,
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The Mafia
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And now for the boys down at Guido's Leg Breaker Lounge in Kent, a quiz
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about Italians.
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A Quiz About Italians
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1) During World War II, Hitler hoped Italy would . . .
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a) be a strong member of the Axis powers
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b) act as a staging area for activities in the Mediterranean
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c) get stomped flat by the Allies before Germany did
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2) Who fired the last 3 shots into Mussolini's body?
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a) his own general cabinet leader
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b) Italian partisans who saw El Duce' destroy Italy
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c) 3,000 Italian sharp-shooters
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3) Most Italians attend soccer games to . . .
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a) see the home team win one against the rest of Europe
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b) to root for the teams they hope will go to the Olympics
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c) get drunk and start fights
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4) Bullfighting is considered inhumane because . . .
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a) the bull is drugged and doesn't stand a chance
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b) the bullfighter bleeds the bull to sap its strength
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c) the bull is about 3 times smarter than the average Italian matador
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5) During World War II, it was a great honor if an Italian ship . . .
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a) saw more than 20 battles
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b) was asked to join a German action
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c) stayed afloat more than 15 minutes
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6) Italians fought so hard for Casino in World War II because they thought...
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a) that this would be Italy's last stand
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b) Hitler would reward them with new equipment
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c) it was a pizza parlor
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7) Hitler chose El Duce' as his Axis counterpart because . . .
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a) he needed Italy to take Austria
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b) he needed a staging ground for North African actions
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c) Hitler thought El Duce' looked a lot like Curley and needed a good laugh
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8) The mention of El Duce' in Italy today will . . .
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a) bring a flush of shame on the faces of Italians
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b) result in an argument about facism vs. communism in modern Italy
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c) bring some huge guy named Vinnie to break your legs
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9) The Patron Saint of Italy is . . .
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a) Saint Jehrome
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b) Saint Augustus
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c) Frank Sinatra
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10) In Italian business, a hostile takeover usually involves . . .
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a) lawyers locked in death battles over obscure legal issues
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b) corperate heads trying to build the biggest golden parachutes they can
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c) gunfire
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11) The Italian airforce lacks helicopters because . . .
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a) they don't think the helicopter has a place in jet-age warfare
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b) they would rather concentrate on ground forces over air forces
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c) the big blade goes "Wop Wop Wop" and the little one goes "Dago Dago Dago"
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12) Most Italians are . . .
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a) warm and friendly people
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b) kind to tourists
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c) wanted in at least 3 countries
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"Uh, 'cuse me Squire. Vinne and I don't like this 'ere quiz. Why don't you do
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a quiz 'bout someone else, like the Germans. Or we'll punch you in the mouf."
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And now . . .
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For the two nice gents from Italy, a quiz about . . . Germans!
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(*applause*)
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A quiz about Germans what have no mafia
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1) It is a proud day in a German family when a son . . .
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a) gets an apprenticeship in the auto industry
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b) joins the service
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c) can drink his old man under the table
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2) Looting, riots, burning and pillaging are most associated with . . .
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a) Crystal Night, 1937
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b) The Russian Occupation, 1945
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c) Octoberfest, 1989
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3) The best way to get a German to move quickly is to . . .
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a) yell "RUN!"
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b) yell "FIRE!"
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c) yell "HEY! DIDN'T I SEE YOU AT THE NUEMBERG TRIBUNAL?!"
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4) Most Germans scatter and hide under tables . . .
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a) during NATO exercises
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b) when nuclear drills are rehearsed
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c) whenever someone mentions war crimes
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5) Most pilots in the GDR today are . . .
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a) the most highly skilled in Europe
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b) proud members of the EEC
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c) aging Stuka pilots who keep getting flashbacks about Poland
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6) The reason flight 201 went down over Scotland was . . .
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a) terrorism
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b) mental fatigue
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c) Pilot error: The GDR pilot thought he was over Krakow
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7) Had Hitler wanted to win the war, he would have heavily defended . . .
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a) aircraft manufacturers
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b) heavy weapons plants
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c) breweries
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8) In regards to World War II, most Germans . . .
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a) wish they had taken a stand when the Nazi party was small and weak
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b) wish that the Holocaust never happened
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c) wish they had won
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9) The takeover of American firms by German firms is called . . .
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a) extro-European business
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b) fair competition on a global basis
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c) revenge for the Dresden fire bombing
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10) In regards to the Holocaust, most Germans think . . .
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a) "What a deep shame it is for all of Germany for the rest of history."
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b) "It is our fault for not standing up in the Jew's hour of need."
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c) "Better them than us."
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11) When crossing the English Channel, GDR pilots usually . . .
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a) check the weather at Heathrow
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b) switch over to VOR's on the British side of the Channel
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c) start scanning for Spitfires
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12) ______ is not a very popular vacation spot for Germans.
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a) Japan
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b) China
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c) Israel
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13) Perhaps the biggest German business failure ever was . . .
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a) attempting to build the Airbus entirely out of German parts
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b) trying to export Volkswagons to Japan
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c) selling ovens to the Israelis
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14) The biggest German export to America is . . .
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a) aerospace technology
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b) automobiles
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c) skinheads
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15) The Black Forest is filled with . . .
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a) wolves
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b) foxes
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c) skinheads
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16) Given their choice, most GDR pilots would prefer to fly a . . .
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a) Boeing 757
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b) European Airbus
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c) German ME-109
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17) Most Germans who fought in World War II are now . . .
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a) unified in their belief that the war was a mistake
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b) honored in quiet home ceremonies
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c) part of the ground between Moscow and Berlin
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18) Had Hitler known any better, he would have . . .
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a) gone into the Soviet Union 5 weeks earlier
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b) never invaded Poland
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c) kept on painting houses
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19) When Germans close their eyes, they dream of . . .
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a) owning a BMW
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b) sending their kids to an American university
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c) Argentina
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20) When asked about the war, most Germans will respond . . .
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a) "It is a deep shame for all of us."
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b) "May God forgive us for what we have done."
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c) "Better luck next time, 'eh?"
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(C) 1989 Yucks For You, Inc.
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