167 lines
6.1 KiB
Plaintext
167 lines
6.1 KiB
Plaintext
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And now it's time for Mike's Madness #5
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(Mike's Trip to Australia as a Teacher)
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"Okay class, this is a bottle opener. You use it to open Foster's
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bottles. Just so happens I have a case and a half stashed away in the lab
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fridge. Okay, who can tell me the Golden Rule of Poli-Sci? Thaz right,
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Political Science is the last refuge for the bullshit artist. Okay, we'll
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be picking up where I left off last week when I passed out. And that point
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happens to be about a foot and a half from the men's loo. Hey, is that
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janitor still pissed? Well, he's only a bloody Abbo anyway. Alrighty,
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chapter 5, Drinking. Drinking is a very important part of Australian
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Culture. The founding fathers were loaded when they got here and their
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desOBcendants have been loaded ever since. Quick question: What do we do on
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Australian Independence day apart from drinking? Thaz right -- nothing.
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Bloody Foster's sales make up 10% of the GNP here! Okay, what's a good thing
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for a hangover? Thaz right, Billy -- drinking heavily the night before.
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Yup, and I pretty well made up that prerequirement last period. What's the
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Australian national symbol? No, it is NOT an empty bottle of Foster's lying
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besides a comatose Poli-Sci teacher. Pardon, Suzy? A dead Abbo under a
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land train's wheels? Well, it's not, but it oghta be. Well, we'll forget
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about that. Foreign languages! Okay class, how to we say hello in Italian?
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Correct. Grab your crotch with your right hand and give three quick, firm
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lifts while yelling 'HEY BUDDY! I got you hangin'!' Yes, Billy? No. No.
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NO! 'Fuckin' Mooleys!' is NOT the Italian national saying. Could have fooled
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me, tho. Okay, how do jews say 'Fuck you'? Correct, 'Trust me'. Can anyone
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here tell me why the Melbourne symphony can't play anything besides 99
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Bottles of Beer on the Wall? Guess I came up snake eyes on that one. What
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do we call an Australian with a 6 pack? Correct Suzy, a lightwieght. How
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do we greet American tourists? Give us your money and go the fuck home?
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Close enough, Billy. How do we great Arabic tourists? We flip 'em the
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bird! This is a GREAT class! Alright, here's our 'Are you an Australian'
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test!
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1) Australians are rarely . . .
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a) rude
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b) ill tempered
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c) sober
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2) Most Australian children . . .
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a) do better in school than their American counterparts
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b) grow up in a land of beauty
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c) are alcoholics before they can walk
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3) Australians enjoy . . .
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a) drinking
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b) drinking
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c) running over Abbos
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4) Most Australiasn would like to work
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a) in their own country
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b) in any one of the Pacific Rim nations
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c) in a brewery
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5) On any given day, most Australians are . . .
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a) hard at work improving their nation
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b) enjoying the many scenic wonders of the outback
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c) totally shitfaced before 8:30 in the morning
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6) Most Australians love Abbos because . . .
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a) of their huge body of creative myths
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b) of their knowledge of nature and man's place in it
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c) you can run them over without getting in trouble
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7) When an Australian arrives for work . . .
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a) he greets his co-workers with a friendly "G'day!"
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b) knows his contribution will make Australia a better place for all
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c) he has been constantly drunk since he got up that morning
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8) A typical Australian saying is . . .
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a) G'day!
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b) Fair-dinkum!
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c) Oh god, I'm gonna be sick!
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9) The banishment of alcohol from soccer games has resulted in . . .
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a) a safer environment for all fans
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b) less fights in the stands
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c) a total boycott
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10) If beer was banned from Australian soil . . .
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a) Aussies would shurg their shoulders and get on with their work
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b) the number of highway fatalities would decrease
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c) World War III would seem like a formal debate
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11) The fastest car in Australia is faster than a . . .
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a) speeding fox
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b) speeding bullet
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c) speeding Abbo
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12) Another name for drunks in Australia is . . .
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a) winos
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b) boozies
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c) Parliament
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13) Most Australians deeply fear the thought of . . .
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a) nuclear war
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b) ozone depletion
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c) sobriety
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14) By 5 p.m., most Australians are . . .
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a) done with work and ready for play
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b) watching a wide variety of interesting TV programming
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c) out cold
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15) By 2020, the Australian outback will be . . .
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a) settled by rugged settlers
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b) a productive region of the Australian continent
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c) 50 feet deep in empty beer bottles
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16) Australians quit drinking when . . .
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a) they're at work
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b) they're driving
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c) they're dead
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17) If the Prime Minister was to give a speech drunk, it would be . . .
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a) a great disgrace to the Australian people
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b) an insult to the world community
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c) nothing new
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18) 1 second is . . .
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a) how long it takes Australia to produce a ton of steel
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b) the period between commercials on the BBC
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c) the life expectancy of a Foster's in Australia
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19) The Queen's birthday is . . .
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a) honored by many of Australia's British nationals
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b) carried live on the BBC
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c) yet another excuse to drink
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20) Austrlians visit Abbo communities for
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a) a better understand of Abbo culture
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b) a pleasant break from city life
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c) target practice
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21) Driving drunk in Australia is . . .
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a) punishable for a 50,000 Pound fine
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b) frowned upon by the government
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c) the national sport
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22) Australian wines should be . . .
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a) served cold
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b) kept in cool, dark places
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c) avoided at all costs
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23) A typical Australian meal is . . .
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a) an interesting blend of British and local foods
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b) reasonably priced at most restaurants
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c) drank
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24) When an Australian comes home from a trip abroad . . .
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a) he thanks God to be back in the most beautiful country in the world
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b) he has to check all baggage through customs
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c) he is wholly shitfaced 5 minutes after getting off the plane
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25) The hallmark of a native Australian is . . .
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a) the distinctive accent
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b) his love of all nature
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c) being able to drink 3 cases without taking a leak.
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Welp class, score yourself. Tomorrow, we will examine the topic of
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Australian Culture and will examine the popular Australian passtime of
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getting drunk and obnoxious at cricket matches!"
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