479 lines
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479 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
Date: Mon, 14 Nov 1994 01:19:19 -0800
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From: Dark M00se Rising <wrd@beer.wa.com>
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Subject: M00se Droppings #51 (11/13/94) -- Mea Culpa!
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M00SE DROPPINGS #51 - November 13, 1994
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=======================================
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A-M00s-ing Anecdotes and Illumination By and For the Pawns of the
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M00se Illuminati
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_M00se Droppings_ is published on the 13th of each month, more or
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less. Send submissions and subscription requests to wrd@beer.wa.com.
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All contents copyright the respective authors. More explicit
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copyright notice forthcoming, pending consultation with
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Pr0phetm00se, our resident expert.
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This issue is being mailed to 84 chapters of the M00se Illuminati.
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STAFF:
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Editor In Chief: Bill Dickson <wrd@beer.wa.com>
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Reviews Editor: Gary Olson <swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu>
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News Editor: Dominic White <ick@artiste.wa.com>
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Superguy Chronicler: Eric Burns <rubicon@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu>
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IN THIS ISSUE:
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Editorial Notes & Excuses
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News Droppings
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Reporter positions filled
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M00se Droppings archived on Philadelphia BBS
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M00se in a Quarry (I know, I know, it's serious)
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Regular Features
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Ask The Sage
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Tracking the M00sey Age
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Reviews
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Beer
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EDITORIAL NOTES
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---------------
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>From Pickle, your Friendly Editor
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Greetings, fellow m00ses! Welcome to M00se Droppings #51, next in
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a seemingly endless series of smallish text documents that wing
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their way through the electronic ether from my place to yours!
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In this issue, we have some special items from regular contri-
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butors Svedishm00se and Pr0phetm00se, as well as-
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What's that?
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Oh. I'd hoped you wouldn't notice.
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Yes, yes, I did miss the last two months. This isn't so much a
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monthly issue as a quarterly one. I admit the fact, and I
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apologize.
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But I do have some excuses, and I know you're just dying to hear
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them.
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I was sick! I was house hunting! I was moving! It was like that
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when I got here! I was exhausted! The Devil made me do it! I
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changed jobs! I was confused!
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Not bad, eh?
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Anyway, that does about cover it. And I'm afraid that, even with
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all the extra time, submissions are still dismally low and the
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issue is rather small. But hey, you know how to fix that, don't
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you?
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Before I go, I would like to pose a question. Responses are
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welcome -- nay, encouraged -- and should be sent to my address,
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wrd@beer.wa.com. That question is this:
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What do you think of the setext format used in recent issues?
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Are you making use of it with a setext reader, or do you just
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read it in normal email and wish the issue looked the way it used
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to? Let me know, and I'll decide if we're going to keep it like
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it is, or work on a prettied-up ASCII format without any setext
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tags.
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Of course, maybe we should switch to HTML....hmmmmmm....
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NEWS DROPPINGS
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--------------
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Little turds of information for your enjoyment and edification.
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_Editorial_Positions_
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Some of you may recall that a couple of editorial positions were
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up for grabs three months ago. As you can see by the credits
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at the top of the issue, this is no longer the case! I'd like
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to thank both who applied, and give a warm welcome to hard-
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working Pr0phetm00se, our new Superguy Chronicler. Look for the
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Superguy Chronicles to begin in the January issue, and "Meet the
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M00ses" next issue.
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_M00se Droppings Archived on Philadelphia BBS_
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Mogul, sysop of the Philadelphia-area BBS "Mogel-Land"
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(phone: 215-732-3413) has started archiving M00se Droppings along
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with thousands of other electronic text files. Check it out!
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_M00se in a Quarry (I know, I know, it's serious)_
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In this particular section of the issue, we intended to include
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an entertaining story about an 800-pound m00se that was spending
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a pleasant afternoon near a quarry, attracted lots of attention,
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and finally wound up taking a swan dive twenty-five feet down
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into the water after being shot with a tranquilizer dart. The
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story would have included a little blurb about how the crane that
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lifted the m00se up onto dry land was tipped over by the weight,
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but that despite the series of mishaps, the m00se was just fine
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and had trotted away under its own power at the end of the episode.
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However, it turns out that it was an AP press release, and since we
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don't subscribe to their service, it probably would have been a
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copyright infringement. So instead, we just paraphrased it.
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Thank you for your time.
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REGULAR FEATURES
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----------------
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Returning again are Superguy Digest's The Sage with his omniscient
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advice, and Pr0phetm00se's report on the progression of the M00sey
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Age.
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Feel free to send in your questions for The Sage, care of
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wrd@beer.wa.com. It would be tragic if we had to start making
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them up.
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Ask The Sage
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------------
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The Only Advice Column You'll Ever Need or Want
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by Superguy Digest's The Sage
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DEAR SAGE,
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Or should I say 'Sagelocian the x-Soviet Armenian butcher/klutz/
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looney'? We will not let you forget the genocide of 2.5 million
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Muslim people slaughtered by you and your 'killi/kokulu church'
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and those like you. Give it up to your 'papazian', 'stooge of
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SDPA'! When will you admit your culpability?
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The Serdy-Gerdy Man
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Serdy,
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For the last time, I will not buy any encyclopedias from you! I
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already know everything there is to know! I'm the Sage! (As an
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aside, understanding you is one of the few things that strains
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even my omniscient abilities! Oy!)
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DEAR SAGE,
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I edit and publish a monthly magazine for the, uh, "Cow"
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Illuminati. However, nobody ever sends me submissions to help fill
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it up, so I have to write lots of filler to "pad out" the
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newsletter for my fellow "cows." I am even beginning to fear that
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we will have to start making up letters for our advice columnist.
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How can I get my fellow "cows" to start sending me submissions?
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"Cucumber" in "Columbus"
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Cucumber,
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The answer is simple, my green friend: beer! Promise them beer!
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As much quality, microbrewed beer as they can drink! Spare no
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expense! (Alternatively, send the beer to me. Even in an
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intoxicated state, I could make up some pretty startling letters!
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After all, I know everything there is to know about being
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startling! I'm the Sage!)
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DEAR SAGE,
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I am given to understand that you not only know all there is to
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know, but that you are extremely handsome, sexy, charming, witty,
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vivacious, hard-bodied, suave, muscular, and rugged, too. You
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make Tom Cruise look like a rotting pile of whale snot. You make
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Stephen Hawking look like Forrest Gump. Your sexual prowess is
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matched only by your modesty. This is not a made-up letter at
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all. Really.
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Not-the-Sage in North Dakota
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Not-the-Sage,
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Why, thank you, for those unsolicited and completely not-made-up-
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by-me comments! I compliment you on your insights and accurate
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percept--
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*AHEM*
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Er...oh, Pickle! I was just...er...
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*YES?*
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Well, dammit, if we got more questions from your cows...
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*M00SES.*
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I knew that! I'm the...
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*SAGE, YES, I KNOW. I SIGN YOUR CHECKS, AFTER ALL.*
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Oh, forget it. Let's go get some beer.
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*OKAY.*
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That's all the time I have for this issue! This is the Sage,
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signing off!
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Tracking the M00sey Age
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-----------------------
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Prophecy McNuggests for your Electrification
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by Reverend Sabre the Pr0phetm00se
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I am not a person who is, by nature, easily impressed. Even when
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it is my own prophecy we're discussing, I tend to keep skeptical.
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Murphy's Law affects the prophetic as well as anything else,
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after all, and I am naturally wary of my prophecy and enlightenment
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taking a disastrous turn when I least expect it and am most culpable
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for it, at least in a legal sense. You can imagine how nervous I
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was, therefore, after I began to reveal the Path of Tippy the House
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Shrimp, who was sacrificed by Leviam00se for all of us. After all,
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we're treading into pretty blasphemous waters with statements like
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that. If we aren't tempting the Gods to smite us down with
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lightning, at the very least we're tempting hate mail from the
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Religious Right.
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Of course, it is one of my most cherished goals in life to have a
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work of mine be banned by the Catholic Church, but I digress.
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Therefore, you can imagine that I wouldn't persist in preaching the
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Way of the House Shrimp if I hadn't been convinced myself, right?
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Therefore, to borrow from my colleague in journalism, Dave Barry
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(I can call him a colleague, because I'm a liar), I am not making
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any of the ~facts~ in this essay up. This stuff really happened.
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I guess to begin with, I should talk about the Transfigurement of
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Tippy.
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For those of you who do not know, Transfigurement is the carrying
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of the corpus (or body) into heaven (or Seattle). According to
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Christian Myth (there goes that writing campaign again), Christ rose
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from the dead after three days and was transfigured, leaving no
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trace behind except for his foreskin, since he was Jewish. In fact,
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a number of Christian shrines in the Middle Ages claimed to have the
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foreskin of Christ as a sacred relic.
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I am ~still~ not making this up.
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Well, you may recall that the House Owner I was staying with at the
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time had decided to leave Tippy to rot in the bottom of the tank
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where he was hanging out. It was a week or two later that he
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decided to empty the water and clean the tank. Now, there was a lid
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on top of the tank, which kept the cats out. I didn't open it. The
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House Owner didn't open it.
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When he emptied the tank out, Tippy's body was gone.
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I am ~not~ making this up.
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I immediately realized that Tippy had been Transfigured, and was
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already in the Promised Land (Seattle, as I said) drinking Latte and
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listening to alternative rock. The House Owner agreed. ManlyM00se,
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my M00se Nerf Armament Testing Buddy and Good Friend, scoffed, and
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said that Tippy had just dissolved in the salt water, his exoskeleton
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melting quickly and his innards wasting away. I thus redubbed
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ManlyM00se Doubting Francis, and said that I would make a pilgrimage
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to Seattle to look for Tippy.
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Just before I made my spiritual quest, Doubting Francis recanted. He
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too found the path of Tippy. He once again assumed his M00sly name of
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ManlyM00se and returned to the fold.
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Now, ManlyM00se lived in Ithaca, New York. He had tried to get a job
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at Cornell University for years. Years. I say again, years. No
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good. All doors were closed. He had recently quit working for a
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certain company on the grounds of his employer was a Rat Bastard, and
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was now a temporary to pay the bills and keep his children in
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implements of destruction.
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After finding the true path of Tippy, ManlyM00se was approached by his
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current supervisor. He was, in fact, working up at Cornell at the
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time, and had looked into getting real, full time work there, but had
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been rebuffed as always. ManlyM00se's Supervisor ordered ManlyM00se
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to fill out an application and then hand-delivered it to the Cornell
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Campus Store, who then called him and made him go in for an Interview.
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Whereupon they gave him a Directorship in the Store, where he now
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heads their Digital Systems department.
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I'm ~still~ not making this up.
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In the meantime, I moved to Seattle, searching for Tippy. While I
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haven't found Tippy himself, I ~have~ found contentment at a new (non-
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temporary) job, a beautiful, inexpensive house to live in with two
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other M00ses who have accepted the Way of Tippy, and I've been
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ordained. Not in the Church of Tippy, but in a Church that has no
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doctrine at all except that whatever the individual believer believes
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is right. So therefore the Way of Tippy is doctrinally correct, and I
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can perform marriages and have discounts on public transport.
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None of the above was made up. It all happened or is happening.
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So don't tell ~ME~ my prophecy's crap! Transfigured shrimp, M00ses
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being thrown productive jobs and Legal and Moral Ordination that was
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free and simple should be enough to convince any and all of the
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Doubting Francises amongst you.
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Of course, the upheavals of the above have prevented me from producing
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the latest transcriptions of my visions into the Book of Crustaceans.
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Next time, I promise.
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Hey, you can trust me. I'm a Minister. And so far, I'm batting a
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thousand.
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NEXT TIME -- conclusive proof of the Anger of the Gods stemming from
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off-year Winter Olympics being held, and how it relates to Republican
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gains in Congress.
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REVIEWS
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-------
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Edited by Svedishm00se
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All reviews for future editions of The Gary, Eric, Dominic, and Bill
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Follies should be sent to me at swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu, or
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swede@drycas.bitnet. Review anything you like - films, fanzines,
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deodorants, religions, and so on. You are encouraged to invent your
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own rating system - the more inconsistent this section is, the m00sier
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it is. If you are able to send your review formatted to 72 columns,
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please do. If not, don't worry about it - this isn't rocket science,
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you know. Pickle's deadline for submissions is the 11th of each
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month, so reviews should be in to me no later than the 9th.
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This month, we have a review of several microbrews from the Pacific
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Northwest, written by Svedishm00se, who lives nowhere near that
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region.
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BEER
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----
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Some reviews by Svedishm00se
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Items: Black Hook Porter, Red Hook ESB, Thomas Kemper Weizen
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Berry, Grant's Perfect Porter, Emerald City Ale
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Price: Yes. (They were a gift, you see.)
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Purchased From: Various microbreweries in the Pacific Northwest.
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A few months ago, Svedishm00se was laboring hard. What was he doing,
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you ask?
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(pause)
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Well, ask, already!
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(pause)
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Oh, never mind, I'll tell you anyway. He was working hard on editing
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scenes written by various Superguy authors for "Symphony," the
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concluding, massively-long battle in the Industrial Revolution
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storyline, a storyline whose epic nature inspired heavy drinking in
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almost everyone who encountered it. Many were the hours he spent,
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painful were the headaches he got, blunt were the instruments he hit
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himself in the head with. Finally, it was completed, and, lo, it
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went over well.
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Pickle and Icky-M00se decided to reward Svedishm00se for his effort
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in this long and grueling endeavor. In a gesture that proved once
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and for all how astonishingly m00sey they were, they gave the gift
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of beer. Not just any beer, mind you, but top-quality microbrewed
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beer from some of the finest microbreweries in the state of
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Washington.
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There were twelve in all, though I'll just single out five here for
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special mention. The other seven were quite good, though I'm not
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sure how big a fan I am of wheat beer yet.
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Of the twelve, my favorites were the two porters, the Black Hook
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Porter and Grant's Perfect Porter. "Perfect" doesn't begin to
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describe them - I'd say they're thrice as good as Anchor Porter, my
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former favorite porter. I'm given to understand that they're
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expensive as compared to "Budweiser," or any other mass-produced
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bile you would care to name, but I'd consider the extra money to be
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well spent.
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The Thomas Kemper Weizen Berry was excellent, a tasty blending of
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lager and raspberry juice that went down quickly. The Emerald City
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Ale was easily on par with Pete's Wicked Ale, and the Red Hook ESB
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(Extra Strong Bitter) was marvelously good.
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My ratings are as follows:
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Beers: Black Hook Porter, Grant's Porter: 10
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Thomas Kemper Weizen Berry: 9.4
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Emerald City Ale: 9.2
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Red Hook ESB: 9.1
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The Rest: (avg. 8.9)
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Pickle and
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Icky: Truly great and noble m00ses.
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[Editor's Note: Lest the reader get the impression that Pickle and
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Icky-M00se are all sweetness and light, it should be noted that
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they made a desperate attempt to convince Svedishm00se that the
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beer was actually his birthday present, and that they hadn't
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actually forgotten the event. He was not taken in, however.]
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ADMINISTRIVIA
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-------------
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_Subscriptions_: To subscribe to M00se Droppings, send a message to
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Pickle (wrd@beer.wa.com), containing the subject line "subscribe
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droppings". To unsubscribe, use the subject line "unsubscribe
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droppings".
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_Submissions_: For a current submissions guidelines file, send a
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message with the subject line "submission guidelines". To send an
|
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actual submission, use the subject line "submit droppings".
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_Shameless_plugs_: If you enjoy M00se Droppings, you may also enjoy
|
|
_Superguy_Digest_, a shared-world collaborative fiction group
|
|
devoted mostly to humorous superhero fiction. To subscribe, send
|
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mail to listserv@ucf1vm.cc.ucf.edu, containing the command
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"subscribe superguy your name here" in the body of the message.
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(Naturally, there are no quotes in the actual command, and you use
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your own name.) Also check out the Superguy Web Site, at:
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http://www.halcyon.com/superguy/superguy.html
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..
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--
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William R. Dickson, M00se Illuminatus.................wrd@beer.wa.com
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Co-Author, Internet Explorer Kit for Macintosh........iek@tidbits.com
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Author, "Team Cynical," Superguy Digest....listserv@ucf1vm.cc.ucf.edu
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