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490 lines
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WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE -- WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
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\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
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/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
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/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
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/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
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DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
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D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
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D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
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D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
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DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
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M00SE ILLUMINATI
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Issue 46 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 11/25/90
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---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ----------
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is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p.
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**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *****************************
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EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
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Pickle introduces the issue (surprise)
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
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Back issues available
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A cry for help from the Br0ckport thr0ng
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Sabre makes a conspiracy-enhancing suggestion
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JiMb00se talks about the folks in the desert
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Mugwump talks about the winter holidays
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EVENTS AND NEWS
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Two not-made-up news items about m00ses
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MUSELIX thr0ng progress report
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INTERESTING ARTICLES
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The facts about m00se/car collisions
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FICTION AND POETRY
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"Demon Rabbit" by Faye Lavin
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M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
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The fourth sign of the M00se Age
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Road sign of the M00se Age
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Bl00p and well-met, everybody. Now, you probably expected this to be the
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Thanksgiving issue, since it's coming out on Thanksgiving and all, but it was
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not to be.
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I have a plan, by the way, for getting Winona Ryder away from Johnny Depp.
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It's a very detailed and sophisticated plan, and it cannot possibly fail. If
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anybody out there knows where I can get a large, well-armed, luxurious airship
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(rigid or semi-rigid envelope only), please contact me privately.
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Once again, I must apologize for the time it took to get this issue out.
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I am employed, in a manner of speaking, doing temp work for the local nuclear
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power company, and I haven't been doing much else besides coming home, lounging
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around in a semi-exhausted state, and then going to sleep. I'm trying to find
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employment and quarters in Central New York, Ithaca or Syracuse specifically,
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and that's taking up some of what little time I have remaining. Hopefully, if
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I succeed in my attempt to leave this area, I'll have more time when I get
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settled in. In the meantime, we'll have to look to M00se Dr00l and any other
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alternative m00se-oriented publications to fill in the gaps between issues of
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Droppings.
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When you reach the bottom of this issue, you'll notice the lack of a
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Ubiquitous M00se List Update. I have decided that, since the newsletter is
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being sent rather infrequently, I will simply send a complete m00se list each
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time I send the newsletter. If this will cause problems for anyone, let me
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know, and we'll see if we can work out something else.
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One last thing. I am holding the M00se C0de posting for next issue,
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because I don't know who sent it. Please contact me and let me know, whoever
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you are.
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And now, on with the issue.....
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************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS *****************************
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Back issues of M00se Droppings are now available at quartz.rutgers.edu via FTP.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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[A plea from CoM00tose.]
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To every m00se in every last m00secollege:
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IT'S TIME TO ADDRESS A NEW M00SETOPIC
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The topic is about our college policy regarding hours of operation for the
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computer labs, and we need all you m00ses out there to help us.
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All the m00ses and other non-m00ses here at SUNY@BROCKPORT have fallen
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victim to administrative m00secrap. They have taken control and made our lives
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miserable (well, maybe slightly exaggerated). This problem pertains only to
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the computer lab which gives access to our MAINFRAME COMPUTER. So here is our
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problem.
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Our computer lab has set posted hours of operation. During these hours
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there is a User Consultant and a student Supervisor on duty to help students
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with any problems that may arise. The Supervisors are given keys to the
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computer lab, which makes them the only ones that can open and/or close the
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lab. The policy in the past was simple: The supervisor could keep the lab
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open after the posted hours, allowing the public to use the facilities. The
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lab would be officially closed when the supervisor wanted to go home. The time
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a supervisor stayed late was on their own time (non-payroll). Thought process
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is that if a supervisor is here anyway, there is no difference if it is after
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the posted closing hours. This policy worked great and there were no problems
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(everyone was happy).
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Fall of 1990 we had an administrative change! As you can guess the policy
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of keeping the computer lab open after hours was changed. The new policy is
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that the lab is closed to the public at the posted closing times. Only the
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staff that works in the computer lab is allowed to stay. Of course only
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supervisors have keys so they control when the lab is to close. Most of the
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people that work in the lab are computer science majors, or people that need
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access to the system, and the supervisors would prefer to let the public have
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access to the system.
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Strength is in numbers and everyone has the ability to help, so we need
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you to prevent us from being taken advantage of by our administration. All the
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m00ses that have similar policies of keeping their computer labs open after the
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posted hours (for the public), or the labs that are kept open 24 hours a day,
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PLEASE send mail IMMEDIATELY. Let us know what your policy is, how long you
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have been using this policy and anything else you think might help us to
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convince our administrators to change the policy.
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You can send E-mail to either of the following Br0ckp0rt m00ses:
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Bitnet -----> KARL or DC9887 @brock1p
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Internet ---> KARL or DC9887 %brock1p.bitnet@cornellc.cit.cornellc.edu
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Thank you all for your time,
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The Br0ckp0rt Thr0ng
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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[An idea put forth by Lord Sabre.]
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Hey, all you m00ses out there in TVland!! I've got a conspiracy-enhancing
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thought! Does anyone with Internet access know how to create Alt groups on
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Readnews? If so (da da duummmmmmm)--
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ALT.M00SE!!!!!!!!!
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Alt groups can apparently be created by anyone who knows how, and they're
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carried by a lot of different places on the Netnews system. I have felt for a
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while the M00se need a stronger Internet Access, and well, this is our chance,
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whaddya say?
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[Almost immediately upon receiving Sabre's letter, I received a file containing
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complete instructions on starting Internet newsgroups. (Coincidence? I think
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not.) The file is much too long to include here, and the procedure is rather
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complicated. It could be best handled by somebody who has full access to the
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Internet. Any volunteers, please contact me and I'll send the file. -WRD]
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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[A fine proposal from JiMb00se.]
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I have a proposal. We M00ses are obviously opposed to the war in the
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Middle East, since it takes away valuable time from important M00sey activities
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such as the drinking of fine ale and kicking small bits of cloth around a lawn
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to impress women-folk.
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But it seems inevitable that some M00ses or friends of M00ses or family of
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M00ses will be dragged over there to fight in the desert. I have never been to
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war, but I would imagine that those who are there would very much appreciate a
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kind word from home.
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I have read that mail addressed to 'Any Service Person' is clogging up the
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system so much that regular mail is slowed down. Also, mail from some
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anonymous stranger simply CAN'T be a fulfilling as mail from someone you are
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related (however tenuously!) to.
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Here is my suggestion: if you know of a PARTICULAR person who would
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appreciate a large quantity of rather unusual mail from a diverse population of
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odd characters, perhaps you could let us all know and we could write to them.
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I suggest people should be chosen with the following priorities in mind:
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1> M00ses first
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2> People who wouldn't call the cops on us for being weird second
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3> Families of M00ses third
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4> Friends of M00ses fourth
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Actually, it might be best to concentrate our efforts on some ONE person.
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Maybe Pickle could moderate...
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[I fear I could not be the moderator. I barely have time to edit the news-
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letter, as you can see! I think it's a great idea, though. My mother has a
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second cousin once removed (what does that mean, anyway?) who is in the
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desert. A Pink Iguana Tavernite has just been sent. I'm sure we can find
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some worthy targets. -WRD]
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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[Another, slightly similar, but more festive suggestion from Mugwump.]
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i was compiling my christmas card list this afternoon, & got to thinking:
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how about compiling a m00se christmas card list -- a list of people all m00ses
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would be encouraged to add to their christmas card lists. my list currently
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includes such exciting people as:
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the director of the national injury information clearinghouse
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the commander of the u.s. army nuclear and chemical agency
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the chief of the mass media bureau of the fcc
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and other such fun and exciting people whose lives would probably be
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brightened by receiving cards from an "organization" such as the m00se. the
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list could, of course, be distributed through the droppings.
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sound like fun? if so, i'll go ahead and type in my list, if not, i won't
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take the time (not that i mind doing it, but my life is hectic & i don't want
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to spend the time for something that won't get used.)
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bl00p,
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mugwump
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(who's not in a caps mood today)
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****************************** EVENTS AND NEWS *********************************
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[Wasted M00se provides us with these two news items. 0's slashed and plurals
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corrected by me, for clarity.]
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SCITUATE, R.I. (UPI) -- A wayward m00se, the first to be seen in Rhode
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Island in several years, has apparently decided to return to more familiar
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surroundings.
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A dispatcher with the town Police Department said Tuesday the m00se,
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reported to be about 7 feet tall, was seen three days ago running toward the
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Scituate Reservoir. It has not been sighted since, said the dispatcher, who
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declined to give his name.
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Thomas A. Greene, a deputy with the state environmental enforcement
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division, said his department had confirmed the m00se sighting, but he was
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reluctant to talk about it.
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"We're trying to discourage as much publicity as we can," Greene said.
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"We'd rather not have people out harassing it and chasing it across the
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street."
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Greene said Rhode Island is an atypical place for a m00se to be, and that
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one shows up every three or four years.
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The m00se was reported to have antlers about 1 foot high, but it was
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uncertain whether it was a male or a female. Authorities advised Rhode
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Islanders to back off if they see the m00se and then call police.
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ALBANY, N.Y. (UPI) -- Big Richard, the amorous Adirondacks m00se famous
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for wooing cows, horses and even a pig, has state conservation officials
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concerned because his radio collar is losing its ability to beep.
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The bull m00se is the only one in the state with a transmitting noose,
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said Department of Environmental Conservation biologist Al Hicks, and now that
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he is needed more than ever he's given everyone the slip.
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The loss of the signal is coming just as the state agency is studying
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whether to introduce female m00ses to New York's wilderness for breeding
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purposes, Hicks explained.
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And the radio collar's signal is so faint that as of two weeks ago state
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m00se trackers have been unable to find him.
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Big Richard, now playing hard-to-get, was last seen in the Saranac Lakes
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area munching apples and ogling some horses, state wildlife officials reported.
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Hicks estimates that between 15 and 30 m00se spend at least a part of
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their year in New York, while Big Richard appears to have settled permanently.
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"Where he is now is anyone's guess. We have not had contact in two
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weeks," Hicks said.
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The transmitting problems are worsened, he said, by hilly terrain that at
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best keeps signals down to about two miles.
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Hicks said Big Richard had been collared twice already.
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"He was re-collared a couple of years ago in Lewis County on a dairy
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farm," Hicks said.
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Apparently farmers complained at the time that he was making some cows
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nervous, Hicks said.
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"We expect to lose the signal because the collars only have a limited life
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expectancy," he added.
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But Hicks said the passionate m00se's amorous adventures, including a
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rumored liaison with a pig, may be overstated.
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"He just wants the company of other animals and there are a variety of
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farm animals up in Saranac Lake," he said.
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The m00se shouldn't present much of a problem until next year, Hicks
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added.
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"The mating season ends in October," he said.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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[Another impressive progress report from SNAFU M00SE.]
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M00sedom is strong and thriving on the Clemson Campus and in the Mid-
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Upper-South East. We are organizing stuff for a big convention that is rolling
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into the area at the end of next semester, and hope to muchily confuse and
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confound everyone that we meet.
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Our primary goal right now is to get some t-shirts printed with a small
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M00se symbol on the left breast pocket. That should hopelessly confuse anyone
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who attempts to figure out what the symbol is.
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Other projects are regular postings of Important Messages (tm). We have
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thousands of little scraps of paper with the pyramid and antlers (tm) photo-
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copied onto it. We write some strange and confusing note on the scrap like:
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'Breathing is Essential,' 'Remember the Dwarf,' or 'Beware the M00ses of Dawn.'
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Then we pick a number at random and title it Important Message # (tm) (note the
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confusion factor goes up if the masses see the same message with two different
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numbers or if they see two different messages with the same number). We take
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these Important Messages (tm) and post them all over campus or just hand them
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to people we dont know (you should see the look of confusion as the person
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tries to figure out who you are and what the scrap of paper means).
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Our infiltration campaign is also running successfully. We have a m00se
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on the local radio show, and at least three m00ses on the campus films-and-
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video committee (an excellent chance to pick the stranger or more confusing
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movies... Brazil comes to mind).
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So the MUSELIX (tm) Throng is thriving well and spreading the conspiracy
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across the southlands. Happy M00semass.
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Snafu M00se
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Official Unofficial Big Grand Poobah of the
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MUSELIX Throng of
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The M00se Illuminati
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**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ******************************
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[Informative m00se/car collision data from Lord Sabre.]
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Having read Mugwump's close automotive m00se encounter, I am forced to
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draw upon my superior knowledge of m00ses (the bovine kind, what we drew our
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inspiration from), and clear up a few misconceptions.
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First off -- he believed hitting the m00se would have damaged the m00se,
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the car, and himself. Two out of three isn't bad. However, the m00se that
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could be damaged by anything less than a '66 Chevy made out of steel and the
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size of Montana has yet to be born. More than likely, the m00se would have
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mistaken Mugwump's smushing his car against him as an overture of friendship.
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Second, and this is the absolute truth, when encountering a M00se standing
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in the middle of the road, wait *patiently* for the m00se to decide to move.
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Don't rev the engine, the m00se will simply watchand try to figure out why you
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make those silly noises. And *don't* honk your horn at him. Leviam00se's
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truth -- a car horn sound means (in Primal M00se), "I am a Bull M00se who will
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take your mate, stop me if you can!" **THE M00SE WILL CHARGE AT YOU, RAMMING
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YOUR CAR WITH ALL ITS STRENGTH!!!!!** Believe it -- unless you want a ton-and-
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a-half of Mutant Deer smashing your front end into modern art, *don't honk the
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horn!*
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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[Gary Olson, bless his heart, passed on this little gem. Ten to one, Ann
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Landers won't print it. I left the whole thing in caps, since it's possible
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the author wanted it to be read entirely in a shout. Try to forgive the
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meter.]
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DEMON RABBIT BURN IN HELL
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HOPE THE DEVIL TREATS YOU WELL
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NOW THAT ALL YOUR KILLING'S THROUGH
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YOUR ETERNAL PUNISHMENT HAS COME DUE
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DRIVE A CARROT THROUGH YOUR HEART
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SHOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD FROM THE START
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BUT THE EASTER BUNNY YOU WERE NOT
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NOW YOU'RE WHERE IT'S NICE AND HOT
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DEMON RABBIT WITH TEETH SO WHITE
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STALKING VICTIMS IN THE NIGHT
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RIP THEIR THROATS OUT; DRINK THEIR BLOOD
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DRAG THEIR BODIES THROUGH THE MUD
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RABBIT PELLETS WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU
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NOW YOU'RE PLAYING HUMAN-FOO
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DEMON RABBIT WITH CLAWS SO BLACK
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SEE HIM SPRING FOR THE ATTACK
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DEMON RABBIT, YOU'RE NO SAINT
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DEMON RABBIT, BUGS YOU AIN'T
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SPEND THE NIGHT CONSUMING GORE
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COME SUN-UP YOU'LL WANT SOME MORE
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SPREAD YOUR TERROR FAR AND NEAR
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FILL YOUR VICTIMS FULL OF FEAR
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DEMON RABBIT BURN IN HELL
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THIS POEM'S DONE--AIN'T IT SWELL?
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--Faye Levine/"Demon Rabbit"
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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[More on the Age of m00siness, from Lord Sabre, Prophetm00se.]
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In the time after the Third Sign, it will come to pass that the Third Sign
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will bring about the Fourth Sign, which is not to be confused with either the
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first or second signs, nor should we decide that the Fourth Sign is a Cosine of
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the Third Sign, or that the Third Sign may not just be another application of
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the Sixth Sign, and no, I haven't been watching the Seventh Sign, though my
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roommate told me all about it....
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"CHEESEBURGER!!!!!! LARGE FRIES!!!!! ORANGE SODA!!!!!" the All-Powerful
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Leviam00se will shout. "What is WRONG with you???!!!"
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"Mmmmm mmm mmmm mmmmmm mmm mmmmmmm mmm mmmmm mmmmmmmmmm?"
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"NNNNNNRRRRRRLLLGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" and Leviam00se will utterly crush
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the hamburger stand beneath his feet. Whereupon he will cross the street and
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go to Pizza the Hutt.
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George Herbert Walker Bush, the Forty-First president and the president
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with the stupidest name since William Taft, will be sitting at his desk. He
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will be pondering the ways to reduce the budget and increase the military,
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simultaneously. "Hmmm. Now, the Great Depression ended when America went to
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war against Germany, the last time. And that also increased the Military...and
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Germany has reunified...."
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"Mr. President," the intercom will buzz, "the Vice-President is here to
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see you."
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"Give him his daily lollipop and send him away."
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"He insists on seeing you sir. He's also offered to tip me three hundred
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dollars."
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"Eh? Must speak to his father. Right, send him in."
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The small, spindly form of the Vice President will enter, being followed
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by six huge men in spandex tights.
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"Dan? Who are they?"
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"They're my new...Secret Service agents, Georgie-Poo. And call me Vince."
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"Vince?"
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"Vince Quayle. I'm here to discuss the terms of your abdication."
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"Abdication? Dan--er, Vince, you're crazy! No one would accept you as
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president! You're...well,"
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"Hmm. Hawk, Animal, Anvil -- why don't you 'Convince' the President."
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Vince Quayle will step outside as the noise rose behind him.
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That evening, in a heartfelt message, George Bush will tell the American
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people from his Hospital room that he feels Vincent Quayle, Jr. would make a
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fine president, and he hopes the country will prosper.
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This will be the Fourth Sign. We're absolutly sure it's the Fourth One.
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Not the Third, not the Fifth, Eight is right out.
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Somewhere in a Pizza Hut, his order taken, Leviam00se will munch on a
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breadstick. And wait. And Wait. And Wait....
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More, as the Muse comes upon me (get your minds out of the Gutter.)
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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[Information on what may possibly be an undiscovered sign of the M00se Age,
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from Mitya the Red M00se.]
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Zdravstvuite, and bl00pski! I have an interesting story to relate,
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regarding my recent trip to the Franconia Notch area of New Hampshire. While
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traveling the back lane of Rt. 302 south with my fiance (who may or may not
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become a m00se soon--I'm working on it), we came across a most perplexing sign.
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It looked like this:
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|-------------|
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| |
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| MOOSE |
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| |
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| |
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| X - ING |
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| |
|
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| |
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|-------------|
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[]
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[]
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[]
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[]
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Jen and I puzzled over this for quite some time. We even pulled the car
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over to ponder this odd sign. What did it mean? The 'x' obviously stood for a
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blank. We arbitrarily decided that this was a "fill-in-the-blank" sign, for
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passing motorists to fill in with whatever they happened to see a m00se doing.
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They could see a m00se 'walk'-ing or 'run'-ing or 'bl00p'-ing, so it was a very
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versatile sign in our opinion.
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|
But then a horrible thought crossed my mind. What if the New Hampshire
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road commission wanted to place a sign but because of local obscenity laws,
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could not put certain words on the sign??!! What are these m00se in New
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Hampshire doing on the side of Rt. 302 that the New Hampshire road commission
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cannot detail their activities???
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I think the m00ses of America deserve some kind of explanation of this
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kind of activity. Or am I just blowing this WAAAAYYY out of proportion?
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Inquiring m00ses want to know.
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Do svidaniya, and if you must bl00p,
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pull the shades down, tovarishch!
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Mitya the Red M00se.
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================================================================================
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WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE -- WINONA RYDER IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE ISSUE
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================================================================================
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