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ANSWER TO THE ULTIMATE QUESTION OF LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING ISSUE -- AN
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
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\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
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/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
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/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
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/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
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DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
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D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
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D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
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D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
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DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
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M00SE ILLUMINATI
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Issue 42 | Disclaimer: The Editor does hereby take responsibility | 07/14/90
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---------- for the full contents of this newsletter. Accountability ----------
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is now the name of the game. A pox on playing it safe. Let's get real. Bl00p.
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**************************** THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *****************************
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EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
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Bill says many pointless things
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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
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A call for thr0ng-a-thons
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BOOK REVIEWS
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Daniel Pinkwater -- his works
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M00se Book of the Month: The Mulch of Aval0n, by 0laf 0lafs0ns0ns0n
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INTERESTING ARTICLES
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Survival in the wake of the increasingly improbably nuclear holocaust
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A classic: The history of the world according to history students
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The new, official, standardized M00se Illuminati system of measurement
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(part one)
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M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE
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The Oracle speaks
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MEET THE M00SES
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Still nobody this time
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*************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS *****************************
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Welcome to this, issue number forty-two of "M00se Droppings." Not much
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has happened in the past week; I haven't had any new news on the Electronic
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Frontier Foundation (the group formed to fight Secret Service fascism on the
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Net), or HR 4079 (the pre-bill designed to help further the fascist turn the
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country is taking). Oops, actually, that's not quite true. I received a test
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message from the EFF, indicating that I'm on their mailing list, and I received
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the beginnings of HR 4079 from somebody on the Politics list, with a promise
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that more would follow. But that's about it. The practical upshot? Sadly,
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this issue will contain very little, if any, political content.
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Now, I want you all to know that I'm very disappointed, submission-wise!
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I have received submissions from b0liver shagnastY iv and Warm00se, and plans
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from Goblin, but nothing else! We must have MORE!
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On a lighter note, this issue will be mailed to the David Tarr chapter,
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currently residing in Dublin, Ireland. Everybody wave to Dave, all one hundred
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and seventy-five of you! Dave has been overseas for about a year now, working
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in London, travelling Europe, and now (as I said) working in Dublin. He
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probably doesn't get enough mail over there, and I'm sure he'd like to hear
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from you. One can never have too much contact with the United States of
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America, after all. Dave's mailing address is:
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David s Tarr
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c/o USIT
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Aston Quay
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O'Connell Bridge
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Dublin 2
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Ireland
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Don't forget to mark the envelope or package "Air Mail." We want Dave to
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get it soon, don't we?
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Lastly, before I start the issue, I want you all to know that you can
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purchase a plastic ED-209 toy, approximately 5 1/2" tall, at Toys Backwards R
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Us for $9.99.
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************************** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS *****************************
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The summer is drawing to a close at a startling rate. Time to plan
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thr0ng-a-thons!
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******************************** BOOK REVIEWS **********************************
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[Recommendations from Warm00se. -WRD]
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Hi all!
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I am here to make a recommendation for all of your summer (or other)
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reading lists, and to nominate somone for Honorary M00sedom. The person in
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question is Daniel Pinkwater, allegedly a "children's author", but, if you read
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his stuff, you'll see this is not so. True, his books are found in the
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Children's section of the library, but...well, read them and you'll understand.
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:)
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Pinkwater is brilliant! His stories are amusing, and I'm almost SURE he
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knows about...THEM (fnord). I've seen stuff in several of his books and I'm
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positive. I think we should make him and honorary m00se, and perhaps (just to
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confuse him), actually contact him and notify him of his in(ab?)duction! ;)
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His books are short, too, so you can usually read most of them within
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20-30 minutes. (Now you don't have an excuse NOT to read them! :) )
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Anyway, check his stuff out! It's great! I've included a list below of
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some of his works.
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Also, if you look at his picture on some of the book jackets, you KNOW
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he's one of us. :)
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Books written and in many cases illustrated by
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DANIEL PINKWATER
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(a.k.a. Manus Pinkwater, D. Manus Pinkwater,
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Daniel M. Pinkwater, and others)
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* Alan Mendelsohn, The Boy From Mars
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* Atilla the Pun
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Bear's Picture
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The Big Orange Splot
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* Blue Moose
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Return of the Moose
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* The Moospire
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The Blue Thing
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Fat Elliot and the Gorilla
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* Fat Men From Space
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* The Hoboken Chicken Emergency
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The Last Guru
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* Lizard Music
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Magic Camera
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* The Magic Moscow
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Pete, the Pestiferous Polecat
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Pickle Creature
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Superpuppy (with Jill Miriam Pinkwater)
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The Terrible Roar
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Three Big Hogs
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Tooth Gnasher Super Flash
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* Wingman
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Wizard Crystal
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* The Worms of Kukumlima
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The Wuggie Norple Story (illustrated by Tomie De Paola)
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* Yobgorgle: Mystery Monster of Lake Ontario
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* The Muffin Fiend
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* Slaves of Spiegel
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* = Ones I've read
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This list is taken from "The Worms of Kukumlima". Copyright 1981. I've
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added to it a bit.
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-Pat Salsbury
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(DangerM00se)
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V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET
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SALSBURY@AUTARCH.ACSU.BUFFALO.EDU
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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[Yet Another m00se b00k of the M0nth Club selection, from b0liver
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shagnastY iv.]
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The Mulch 0f Aval0n
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by 0laf 0lafs0ns0ns0n
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Just when you thought you'd read the tale of Arthur and his Camel0t from
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every possible point of view. The Mulch 0f Aval0n (6528 pages, $59.95 from
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Batman Books) spins an enchanting tale of knights, druids, and all that crap
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(especially the crap) from the point of view of a blue b0ttled shit fly. A
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must for the fantasy fan who likes to think he/she is reading real literature
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and not just another piece of fantasy crap (in fact, the reader is reading not
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only crap, but ABOUT it). Learn the contents of an Arthurian banquet--0laf
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0lafs0ns0ns0n has thoroughly researched his material. What grade of hay did a
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jousting horse eat just before a tourney? 0lafs0ns0ns0n also retells the story
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of the Crystal Stool of Merlin with a decidedly more human twist. And what was
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the secret sin of Guinevere that only a shitfly would know?
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An exerpt:
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Myllwenquill's wings almost gave out as he finally
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landed on a clump of dung near the soldier's
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encampment. Something was wrong in the air. He
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listened as nearby he heard the boy-king who was
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now a man making plans with his trusted aides.
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Myllwenquill's proboscis twitched again. Something
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was wrong about this pie. It smelled like a
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croissant--it must belong to that French Knight,
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who had never been bested in combat. He was now in
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the service of the King, it seemed.
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Yes, you too can own this epic fantasy.
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Regular price: $59.95
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M00se B00k Club price $599.50
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6 book dividends and 23 CitiDollars
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Do not send a message to us in 3 days if you want to recieve this
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selection.
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**************************** INTERESTING ARTICLES ******************************
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[b0liver shagnastY iv, of the Wilfred Hyde-White Memorial Thr0ng, provides us
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with this massively useful item. -WRD]
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SAFETY TIPS FOR POST-NUCLEAR LIVING
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1. Never use the elevator in a building hit by a nuclear device; use the
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stairs instead.
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2. When flying through the air, remember to roll as you hit the ground.
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3. If you are on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable substances.
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4. Don't attempt to communicate with dead people; it only leads to
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psychological problems.
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5. Food will be scarce; you will have to scavange. Learn to recognize foods
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that will be available after a nuclear holocaust: mashed potatoes,
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shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
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6. Remember to cover your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be
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scarce in the post-nuclear age.
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7. Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
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8. Drive carefully when travelling through "heavy fallout" shelters; people
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could be staggering illegally.
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9. Nutritionally, a $100 dollar bill is equal to a $1 bill, and more sanitary
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due to limited circulation.
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10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-day.
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--Author unknown
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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[Many of you may have seen this before, but those of you who haven't will get a
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kick out of it. Submitted by Gary Olsen. -WRD]
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The article below is from "Verbatim" magazine, around May of 1987.
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The World According to Student Bloopers
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Richard Lederer
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St. Paul's School
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One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
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receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted
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together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student
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bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eight grade
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through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
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The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
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Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
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inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cul-
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tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge
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triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between France and
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Spain.
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The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
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Bible, "Guinesses," Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
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children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice
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Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark.
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Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they
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did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
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Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led
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them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
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without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the
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ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He
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fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
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Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
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Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
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kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth
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is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the
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River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by
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Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship
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that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer
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but by another man of that name.
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Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
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They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
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In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
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threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government
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of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.
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There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't
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climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought the
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Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
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Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans
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because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the
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guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
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battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought he
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was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor
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subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
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Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
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lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the
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Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the
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victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta
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provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
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In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer
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of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter-
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ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
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while standing on his son's head.
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The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
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their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg
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for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
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by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that
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made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
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discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
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figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the
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circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
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clipper.
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The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
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difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Vir-
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gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself be-
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fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went out and
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defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear
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never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in
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Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one
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of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving
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himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Mac-
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beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an
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example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel
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Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton.
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Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise
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Regained."
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During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
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navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships
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were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims
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crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they
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landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the hill
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rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on
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their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses,
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which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
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settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was
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responsible for all this.
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One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
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their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post with-
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out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over
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stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the
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colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
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Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
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Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
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Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
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clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec-
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tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against itself
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cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
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George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father
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of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
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secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
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right to keep bare arms.
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Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
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died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
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hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
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"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address
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while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He
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also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave
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the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch
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the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14, 1865,
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Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in
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a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a sup-
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posedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
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Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
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invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
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invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the
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apples are falling off the trees.
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Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel
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was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died
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from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He
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was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
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everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for
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this.
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France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accom-
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plished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
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Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the
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crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish
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gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon
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became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He
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wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
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couldn't bear him any children.
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The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
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the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen.
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She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of
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her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final
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event which ended her reign.
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The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
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The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
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McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
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Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure
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for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the
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Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the
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Marx Brothers.
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The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
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ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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[Submitted by myself and Mike Harm. -WRD]
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The world is in need of many things. But it occurred to Mike Harm and
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myself recently that one thing it needs very badly is a new, standardized
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system of measurement.
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Look at the facts: The English system has been rejected almost all the
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world over. It is old, it is unpopular. Clearly it cannot become the world
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standard.
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The metric system, on the other hand, has been rejected by the most
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powerful nation on the planet (the United States) as well as the most powerful
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third world nation on the planet (Great Britain). In addition, it lacks
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personality. Nobody wants to order a liter of beer, or a half liter, or five
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hundred milliliters. It just doesn't sound right. It's a cold system.
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So we have taken it upon ourselves to solve this problem. Below is the
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beginning of the new M00se Illuminati Standardized System of Measurements.
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Additions to this system will appear in later issues. Everybody start
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converting!
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I) VELOCITY
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For our unit of velocity measure, we have chosen "furlongs per fortnight."
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This unit will replace the previous standards of MPH and KPH, and all
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derivatives thereof.
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Conversion is quite simple. There are 220 yards in a furlong, or 660
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feet, or .125 miles. Therefore, there are 8 furlongs in a mile. (Bear in
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mind, we are only using "miles," "yards," "feet," and any other obsolete units
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of measurement to help define the new units.)
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One mile per hour would therefore be eight furlongs per hour. Since there
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are 336 hours in a fortnight, one mile per hour is equal to 2,688 furlongs per
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fortnight. From this figure, we can create the following chart:
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CHART ONE -- VELOCITY MEASURE
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MPH KPH FPF
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=== === ===
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0.6 1 1,612.8
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01 1.67 2,688
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10 17 26,880
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20 33 53,760
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30 50 80,640
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40 67 107,520
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50 83 134,400
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55 92 147,840
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60 100 161,280
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75 125 201,600
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100 167 268,800
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|
Speed of sound (sea level, 46.72 CaH): 321,994,007
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Speed of Light: 1,802,617,506,000
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|
The chart contains many commonly-used velocities. Most figures are
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|
rounded, as this is a general-use chart, not a scientific-use chart. Any
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|
velocities not shown on the chart can be calculated as above. Change your
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|
speedometers. Get bumper stickers that say "147,840: it's not just a good
|
|
idea, it's the law," and "147,840 saves lives."
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II) TEMPERATURE
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As most of you will no doubt agree, the current practice of using a single
|
|
system of temperature measurement to measure both hot and cold temperatures is
|
|
silly. How similar is the core of the sun to the antarctic deep-freeze? Not
|
|
at all, of course! So why do we insist upon using the same system to measure
|
|
them?
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|
We have addressed this problem by creating TWO units of temperature
|
|
measurement. For cold temperatures, we have created the "Coldashell" (CaH). A
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|
single Coldashell is equal in size to 1.37 degrees Farenheit. Zero degrees
|
|
Coldashell equals -32 degrees Farenheit. To convert from degrees F to degrees
|
|
CaH, use the following formula:
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(dF + 32) / 1.37 = dCaH
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|
where dF = degrees Farenheit, and dCaH = degrees Coldashell. You will not, of
|
|
course, have to convert in the other direction (since CaH will from now on be
|
|
the standard); therefore, no conversion formula is provided for CaH to F.
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|
To deal with hot temperatures, we have created the "Hotashell" (HaH). A
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|
single Hotashell is equal in size to pi degrees Celsius. Zero degrees
|
|
Hotashell equals 50 degrees Celsius. To convert from degrees C to degrees CaH,
|
|
use the following formula:
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|
(dC - 50) / pi = dHaH
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|
where dC = degrees Celsius, and dHaH = degrees Hotashell. Again, since there
|
|
is no need to convert in the other direction, no formula is provided.
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|
Conversions between all four systems are shown on the chart below:
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|
CHART TWO -- TEMPERATURE
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Far. Cel. CaH HaH
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==== ==== === ===
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|
0 Coldashell -32 -36 0 -27
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0 Farenheit 0 -18 23 -22
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Freezing (0 C) 32 0 47 -16
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|
Room temp. 72 22 76 -9
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|
Body temp. 98.6 37 95 -4
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|
0 Hotashell 122 50 112 0
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|
Boiling 212 100 178 16
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Well, that's it for now. Stand by for next issue, and additions to the
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|
official, standardized M00se Illuminati system of measurement!
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|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
[Even the Oracle must deal with awkward questions. -WRD]
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
|
|
Your question was:
|
|
|
|
> I love you.
|
|
|
|
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
|
|
|
|
} Well there isn't really much one can say to this, I'm extremely flattered and
|
|
} If you'd stop by my house I'd show you how much. My address is:
|
|
}
|
|
} 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC
|
|
}
|
|
} Ask for Mr. B, they'll know who you mean.
|
|
}
|
|
} You owe the Oracle a service, you must remove WWF from TV.
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
There have been many changes to the list, so instead of an update, a new
|
|
complete list will follow this issue.
|
|
|
|
================================================================================
|
|
SWER TO THE ULTIMATE QUESTION OF LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING ISSUE -- ANSW
|
|
================================================================================
|