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TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue I
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
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\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
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/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
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/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
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/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
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DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
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D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
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D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
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D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
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DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
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M00SE ILLUMINATI
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Issue #38| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Feb 19, 1990
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---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
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issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
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-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
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way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
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that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
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================================================================================
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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************************************* STAFF ************************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
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Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
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Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
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and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
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or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
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AND Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
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M00se List updates and changes: Herschm00se the Beanmeister
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<JMP91@GENESEO.BITNET>
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(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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It's late. I know. I'm sorry. I got real busy. I'll try not to let it
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happen again. But right now, I'm retyping this, as the &*%@^#(*$%@#(^&$%()@#
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computer just ditched about 1/2 hour of work on me, and I'm really quite
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terribly upset about THE WHOLE @#^$(&*@#%^($*#!-ing thing! :)
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-Pat
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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From: GreyFoxM00se
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My sister was 0nce byt by a m00se.
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N0, Realli. She was carving her initials in the m00se with the sharpened end of
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an interspace t00thbrush given to her by her brother in law -- a dentist.
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Mind you, m00se bytes can be nasti...
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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From: Rescue M00se <STJS@MARIST.BITNET>
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I thought that this group would like to know of an important
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discovery made at the National Research Council (NRC)
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in Canada.
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<> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <> <>
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NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED
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AT NRC RESEARCH CENTRE
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(Reprinted from CRESS Bulletin, York University, Jan 24. 1990)
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The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists at
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the NRC Research Centre. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no
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protons, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice
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neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
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together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of a
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meson like particles called morons.
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Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
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detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
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According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one
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reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in
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less than one second.
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Administratium has a normal half life of approximately 3 years, at which time
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it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in which
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assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
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Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each
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reorganization.
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Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally
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in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as
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government agencies, large corporations, universities, and NRC and can actually
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be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.
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Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
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concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is
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allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium
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can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
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promising.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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This space available. Contact WarM00se. <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Description: I had an interesting idea the other day....
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In order to streamline the legal system, and get stupid old laws off the books,
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and key law in with the changing social mores, I came up with a few ideas that
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would make things run much better in this country. Let me know what you think.
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1) Make every law expire 10 years after it is enacted. All OLD laws
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expire 10 years after we start this program. If the law is still a valid social
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concern, then it can be re-enacted. (Politicians LOVE to legislate, anyway, but
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this keeps laws like "no horses in saloons" from cluttering up the books....)
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2) No "piggy-backing" of bills. You make ****1**** law at a time. No
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tacking of something like "all homos are to be shot" on page 86 of a traffic
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law about "right turn on red."
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3) Recall vote on all people in office. If someone pisses us off, we
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don't have to wait up to 4 years to vote them out of office. That way we can't
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forget about what they did. (As is so often the case.....)
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What do you think?
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-Pat
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Hey!
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I just read the TIME MASTERS comic book (Issue #1), and it's pretty
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funky! It's all about this guy, Rip Hunter, who is going to form a group of
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time-travellers to battle....
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THE ILLUMINATI!
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(Fnord.)
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Check it out, the series is just starting, and it looks pretty good!
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-Pat
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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*NEWS BL00P!* *NEWS BL00P!* *NEWS BL00P* What a fnord!
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As the official Director of Emergency Medical Medicine and Fire Prevention
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for the International M00se Illuminati (self proclaimed of course *smile*) I
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hereby take a firm stance against the practices of arson and assault. M00ses
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unite to whip out this bad feature we portray. What if a M00se was caught and
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convicted????!!!!! Look at the allegations that would be brought upon our whole
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organization! We can accomplish our goals in a much safer and caring way without
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the use of these tactics. FNORD!
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Remember, RESCUE M00se is here to help you. Need help?
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Give him a call: STJS@MARIST
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He goes by RESCUE-1 (yes...the relay op!) on the outside....
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but he's really....RESCUE M00se!!!! Protector of M00ses!
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BL00P!
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Keep those submissions coming in! :)
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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NORIEGA `COCAINE' REALLY TAMALES
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WASHINGTON (AP) -- The U.S. military now says 50 pounds of a substance
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it seized at a house used by deposed Panamanian leader Manuel Antonio Noriega
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turned out to be tamales instead of cocaine as the Army initially said, The
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Washington Post reported today.
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On Dec. 22, Col. Mike Snell, commander of a U.S. infantry task force,
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told reporters his troops had found 50 pounds of cocaine in a house frequented
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by Noriega, some of it wrapped in banana leaves inside a freezer. "We're sure
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it was cocaine," Snell was quoted as saying.
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However, the Post said officials in the Army's Criminal Investigation
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Division have concluded the contents of the banana leaves were actually
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tamales.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Fnord.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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[Submitted by: V067LUFD@UBVMS (Ruprecht)]
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Did you know?
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EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD
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IS BAKED,
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APPROXIMATELY
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150,000,000 YEASTS ARE
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KILLED.
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____________________________________________________________________________
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Come to the award-winning 1987 film,
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"The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
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-- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
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"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't."
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____________________________________________________________________________
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+------------------------------------+
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| Evening showing in Johnson & Wales |
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| Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 |
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+------------------------------------+
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============================================================================
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SPONSORED BY
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Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
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Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
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Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL)
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Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
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============================================================================
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Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
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This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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From: GreyFoxM00se
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BORED TREK: THE NEXT-TO-LAST-DE-GENERATION. (we hope.)
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Captains Log: Stardate: Today! This is the Q acting on behalf of Captian
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Jean-Luc Picard who is at this very moment on the holodeck trying to have
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sex with the image of a woman that Commader Riker programmed in on the episode
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with the Binars.
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Let's join them, shall we? This should be fun.
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PICARD: So, mon chou, where are you from? (This is a frail attempt by the
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Captain to "chat her up.")
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IMAGE: You ought to know skinhead, you activated the images here on the
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holodeck.
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PICARD: Hmm. I thought that the image Riker created was not such an irate
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personality. Perhaps I didn't break his code properly.
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IMAGE: You mean you, the Captain of a Starfleet vessel, broke into the
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access file of another commanding officer?
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PICARD: Well, I wouldn't call it that, just that as a Captain, I get so
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lonely sometimes.... (sigh!)
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IMAGE: What about the Q? Couldn't he be your butt-slamming buddy?
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PICARD: The Q??!! How dare you insinuate such a thing! He siezed my vessel--!
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Q: (Unknown to Picard and Image but nonetheless onstage) Seized my vessel!
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Siezed my vessel! Is that all that Galactic cutie--ah-- skinhead cares about?
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PICARD: I heard that shit Q! Did you think that stupid parenthetical reference
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could hide your lovely--ah-- ridiculous presence from me?!
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IMAGE: I think I know what the problem is here, guys. You're really attracted
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to each other, but neither of you would admit it. Q here has just been trying
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to get your attention beacuse he's got a crush on you. You big thillys!
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PICARD: Preposterous! I am not by any means a homosexual! And don't you
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try to seize my vessel Q!
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Q: Oh, cut the crap Picard-baby. Let's just go "do the nasty."
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PICARD: Well...
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Enter RIKER with Leiutennant Commander Data.
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DATA: Sir, I am detecting the presence of the Q.
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RIKER: You're right, Data. There he is, with... the Captain?
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DATA: Sir, I am unable to comprehend. What I see occuring is usually expected
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between the male and female of your species, much less the Captain whose
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species I cannot identify save for "skinhead" and a mega-entity such as the Q.
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RIKER: Data, just shuttup. Here, smoke this joint, and forget you saw anthing
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here.
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DATA: But sir, I am an android, I cannot forget.
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RIKER: If you don't forget, I am going to reprogram you with a very large
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axe, got that?
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DATA: (Visiby shaken, for an android, anyway.) Yes sir.
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PICARD: OOOOH! AAaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!
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Q: Vreet! Whoop!~(*%(*^)(!!!!!!!!!!!!! <<<< FLASH!!!!! >>>>
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RIKER: (to image) Alright, now that we're alone, assume the missionary
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position!
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IMAGE: Not again...
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Narrator: Is Captain Picard really a homosexual? Or is he under the
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all-powerful influence of the Q? Does Riker really get it on with a hologram?
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Did Data really smoke that joint? And where is Wesley during all of this?
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WESLEY: I'm getting it on with Counselor Troy, of course. She's got great
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tits. I'm probably the only straight one on board this ship.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Thought you'd like to know another theory of the origins of haggis. :-)
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It's by Monty Python.
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Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay,
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Horace ate himself one day.
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He didn't stop to say his grace.
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He just sat down and ate his face.
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"We can't have this," his dad declared.
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"If that lad's ate, he should be shared!"
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But even as he spoke, they saw
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Horace eating more and more.
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First his legs and then his thighs;
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His hair, his arms, his nose, his eyes.
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"Stop him, someone!" Mother cried,
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"Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
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But all too late, for they were gone,
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And he had started on his dong.
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"Oh foolish child, " his father mourned,
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"We could have deep-fried that with prawns,
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"Some parsley, and some tartar sauce."
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But H. was on his second course.
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His liver and his lights and lung,
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His ear, his neck, his chin, his tongue.
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"To think we raised him from the cot,
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"And now he's going to scoff the lot!"
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His mother cried, "What shall we do?
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"What's left won't even make a stew!"
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And as she wept, her son was seen
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To eat his head, his heart, his spleen.
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And there he lay, a boy no more,
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Just a stomach on the floor.
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Nonetheless, since it was his,
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They ate it. That's what haggis is.
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- Monty Python
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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[Submitted (unknowingly) by our newest m00se! Welcome to the Weirdness, S.! (I
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don't know your first name.) See how easy it is to get published once you have
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the all-powerful M00se Illuminati on your side? ;^) ]
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How would you like a bowl of Snoopy
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Stirred until it's thick and soupy?
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Dog in a bowl
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With a poppyseed roll.
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Dig it?
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Sure you do.
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S. McDonald
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<MCDONALD@HARTFORD>
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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NEWS REPORT 29
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25 May 1989
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IBM ANNOUNCES EXTENDED MOUSE SUPPORT
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The following is a direct, word-for-word reproduction of a recent IBM
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'Service support' announcement. (Honest!)
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ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT
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SUBJECT: NEW RETAIN TIP
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Record number: H013944
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Device: D/T8550
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Model: M
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Hit Count: UHC00000
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Success count: USC0000
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Publication Code: PC50
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(H)elp, More? Tip key: 025
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Date created: 089/02/14
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Date last altered: 089/02/15
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Owing B.U.: USA
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Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU
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Mouse balls are now available as a Field Replacement Unit (FRU). If a mouse
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fails to operate, or should perform erratically, it may be in need of a ball
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replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of
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mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel only.
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Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examineing the
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underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign
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balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon manufacturer of the mouse.
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Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method, and domestic balls
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replaced using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
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sensitive, however excess handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon
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completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
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It is recommended that each servicer have a pair of balls for
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maintaining optimum customer satisfaction and that any customer missing his
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balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary functional
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items.
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(Submitted by GreyFoxM00se)
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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(Submitted by Ruprecht)
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Description: Whenever I get depressed, I read this.
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>In article <14050@reed.UUCP> jswanson@reed.UUCP (Grendel) writes:
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>>
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>Ok, how about a top 10 list of ways to kill yourself with a groundhog?
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Here are a couple:
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Take a groundhog, inject the groundhog with a large dose of methamphetamines,
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place the groundhog inside your shirt. More than likely, the groundhog will
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begin to tunnel into your chest cavity, thereby causing your demise.
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Take a groundhog into a biker bar. Find the largest biker in the place. Hold
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up the groundhog and say, "Hey donkey puke, this is your old lady ain't it? Oh,
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excuse me, your old lady don't look this good." Death should follow within 20
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seconds.
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Take some electrical wire and attach one pair of leads to a twelve volt battery
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and the other ends to the hind legs of the groundhog. Then hold the groundhog
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near your throat. Slow but efficient.
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--
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- /| | Karl Klingman
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\`O.o' -->GAK! | UUCP: gatech!stiatl!karl
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={___}= Cubicles: Just say NO! | Internet: stiatl!karl@gatech.edu
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` U ' |
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______________________________________________________________________________
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I read this and somehow I never get around to killing myself.
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Ruprecht
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V067LUFD@UBVMS
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Newsgroups: rec.backcountry
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Subject: baking, and moose
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> >Question:
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> >How do any of you do any very good baking over a gas stove? I have
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>
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> "The NOLS Cookery" recommends that you build a "twiggy fire" on the
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> lid, with pencil-thickness sticks. In order to bake anything that
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> you can't flip, I think you have to have a heat source from above.
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Yes, this works very well. Find a frying pan with a lid (I found
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one with a lid, but the lid sloped, so I had to beat it into submission
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with rocks!). When you're cooking, build a small fire on
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top of the lid. Gee, it's *just* like an oven at home! We baked
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bread (yeast, not baking powder), pizza, corn bread, &c.
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Oh yes: only get twigs that have fallen to the ground. Don't pull
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twigs off the trees, even the trees are dead. NOLS says that
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people notice this (talk about taking minimum impact too far!)
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One problem with my set-up is that the lid has no handle (I like to
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check the baking every five minutes (yeah, I know you're not
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supposed to do that!)). I guess this could be fixed by getting
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someone to weld a chunk of metal to the outside of the lid.
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Here's the important part: according to NOLS, after you're done
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with the fire, you must walk around slowly, gently blowing the
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ashes and twig remnants off the lid with your breath. That way, no
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|
one will ever notice that you've built a fire. This is where the
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|
artistry comes in: take ten minutes, no, fifteen, to do this.
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|
Hell, make it a day hike. Last time I did it, I ran into a female
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|
moose and a calf. You know, female moose (meese?)--the ones that
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|
are supposed to be able to fend off an attacking bear when their
|
|
calves are threatened? But this particular moose in its superior
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|
wisdom realized what a kind soul I was. I got to within twenty
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|
yards of her, leaned up against a tree, and exchanged long stares
|
|
with her and her progeny. Must have stayed there for half an hour.
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|
Was one of the high points of my wilderness experience. And all
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|
because I scattered my ashes.
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|
cheers, from
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charles s. geiger, esq.
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|
The University of Texas at Austin, Austin, Texas
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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|
From: "Daniel F. Boyd" <consp04@BINGVAXU.CC.BINGHAMTON.EDU>
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|
A computer-generated random flame.
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|
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|
Why, the system staff is fascist! Your ignorance reminds me of a surfboard.
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|
How can you say that Multics is a really unpleasant operating system? Don't you
|
|
realise that Lassie was dead? Lousiness is pretty fun. I have many crazy
|
|
friends. Fool! How can you say that Groucho is improper? Life is subtlety,
|
|
right? You make me sick. You disgusting Chinese wanker! Ban religions! Your
|
|
prejudice reminds me of a bug fix. You should have a computer, huh? Don't you
|
|
realise that I wish I were a source license? I don't want to hear about your
|
|
sexual fantasy. You must be a real rat to think that short people don't get
|
|
married to fascist people because they can't spray paint that small. You sound
|
|
like a real sadist. Your lousiness reminds me of a system call. Primitive old
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|
arsehole!
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Arf arf arf...
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-- Dan
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Will ship separately, once I get the new list from HershM00se.
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TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue Issue - TREMENDOUSLY Overdue I
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