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-- Christmas Issue and Last Issue of the 1980's! Wow, eh? Pretty hefty stuff! --
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
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\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
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/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
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/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
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/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
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DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
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D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
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D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
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D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
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DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
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M00SE ILLUMINATI
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Issue #36| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Dec. 16, 1989
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---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
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issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
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-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
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way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
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that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
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================================================================================
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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************************************* STAFF ************************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
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Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
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Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
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and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
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or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
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AND Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
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M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se <V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET>
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(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho!
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It's off to tests we go!
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But now, to relieve
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the Finals Week Blues,
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Here's a new issue
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...uh...
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FOR ALL OF YOUSE! :)
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Why's this in rhyme? I haven't the time, to figure out questions like
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that! Etc. etc. etc.....
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Hi all!
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Well, here it is, the final issue of M00se Droppings for this month,
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semester, year, and DECADE! (Feeling old? Fnord.)
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Happy Holidays to everyone! I'll "see" you all next decade! (Of course,
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THEY are watching you all the time! Fnord.)
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-Pat
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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From Jonathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
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Fellow M00ses:
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I have a favor to ask. While working on the computer system here in
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Alaska, I have been constantly pestered by a relatively bothersome user. I keep
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getting volumes of mail from her saying such things as "Hi Jon!" or "How are you
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today?" and nothing else. It has gotten MORE than annoying.
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I wish to call upon my fellow m00ses for a boon. I think the time has
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come to subject this user to summary "Torture by M00se Mailing." She doesn't
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have Bitnet access, so she won't be able to respond to the flood of mail we can
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send her. I would like all m00ses who read this to send at least one (1) mail
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message to FSEJR@ALASKA.BITNET saying somthing stupid like "Hi Erica!" or "Merry
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Christmas, Erica!", or "Is is cold up there in Alaska?"
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Imagine a mail junkie getting dozens of sensless mail messages, and
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being unable to reply to any of them. Can you think of a worse torture? (if so,
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send it to FSJPC@ALASKA)
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Thank you all! I really appreciate this! :)
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Bl000000000000000000p. ;^)
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-Jonathan
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JPC/pgs
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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From WALL@SBCCVM.BITNET
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he knows when you are sleeping
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he knows when you're awake
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he knows if you've been good or bad.....
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santa sounds like the NSA
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wall
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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From KRWALKER@AMHERST.BITNET
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*** The Twelve Days of Christmas (exact author unknown)
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
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69 Cash Ave.
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Beaver Valley, CO
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Dec. 14, 1986
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My Darling,
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I went to the door today and the postman delivered a "Partridge in a pear
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tree". What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
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You're an angel.
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With all my love and devotion,
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Agnes
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-
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
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69 Cash Ave.
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Beaver Valley, CO
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Dec. 15, 1986
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Darling,
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Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine "Two turtle
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doves". I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I
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love you for them.
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All my love,
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Agnes
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-
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
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69 Cash Ave.
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Beaver Valley, CO
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Dec. 16, 1986
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Dear Fred,
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Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't
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deserve such generosity as "Three French hens". They are just darling but I
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must insist, you've been too kind.
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Love,
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Agnes
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-
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
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69 Cash Ave.
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Beaver Valley, CO
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Dec. 17, 1986
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Dear Fred,
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Today the postman delivered "Four calling birds". Now really, they are
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beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
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Affectionately,
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Agnes
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-
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
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69 Cash Ave.
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Beaver Valley, CO
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Dec. 18, 1986
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Dearest Fred,
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What a surprise! The postman just delivered the "Five golden rings"; one
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for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
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birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
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All my love,
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Agnes
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-
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
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69 Cash Ave.
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Beaver Valley, CO
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Dec. 19, 1986
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Dear Fred,
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I couldn't believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front
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porch and there were "Six geese a laying" on my front steps. So you're back
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to the birds again - huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them?
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The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. I love
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your thoughtfulness, but -
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Please Stop!
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Cordially,
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Agnes
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-
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
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69 Cash Ave.
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Beaver Valley, CO
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Dec. 20, 1986
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Fred,
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What's with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received "Seven swans
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a swimming". What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds shit all over
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the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket. I can't sleep
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at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
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Stop your laughing damn you! It's not funny. Just knock it off with
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those fucking birds, OK?????
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Sincerely,
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Agnes
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-
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
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69 Cash Ave.
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Beaver Valley, CO
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Dec. 21, 1986
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OK Buster,
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I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with "Eight
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maids a milking"?? It's not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids
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milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is shit all over the
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lawn and I can't even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!!
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Agnes
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-
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
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69 Cash Ave.
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Beaver Valley, CO
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Dec. 22, 1986
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Hey Shithead,
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What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now I've got "Nine pipers
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playing" and Christ do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids
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since they've arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they're
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stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the hell am I going to
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do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.
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You'll get yours, bastard,
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Agnes
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-
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
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69 Cash Ave.
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Beaver Valley, CO
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Dec. 23, 1986
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You Rotten Prick,
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Who in hell needs "Ten ladies dancing"?? I can't imagine why I call these
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sluts "ladies". They've been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows
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can't sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea.
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My living room is a river of shit! The Commisioner of Bldgs. has subpoenaed
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me to give cause why the building should not be condemned!
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I'm sicking the police on you, asshole!
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One who means it!!!
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-
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
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69 Cash Ave.
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Beaver Valley, CO
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Dec. 24, 1986
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Listen Fuckhead,
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What's with the "Eleven lords a leaping" on those maids and ladies??? Some
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of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids,
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gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23
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birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
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satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!
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I hate your guts, dumbshit,
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Agnes
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-
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Law Offices
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Badger, Bender & Cahole
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303 Knave Street
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Chicago, IL
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December 26, 1986
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Dear Sir:
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This is to acknowledge your latest gift "Twelve fiddlers fiddling" which
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you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you
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no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are
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advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared
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through this office.
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I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss
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McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have
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instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a
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warrant for your arrest.
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Season's Greetings,
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J. Frank Cahole
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Attorney
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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I've been checking on the mythical M00se Illuminati Shirts, and the guy
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who was going to do them is in England until Fnord knows when.
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BUT! I have a friend here in Buffalo who makes shirts, so I'll see if we
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can whip up something nifty! :)
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Stay tuned....
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Keep sending in submissions, as I'll need em next mon/sem/year/decade.
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Else you'll all keep reading stuff I dig out of my subdirectories! Heh heh heh!
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:)
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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HAVE YOU EVERRRRR NOTICED:
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(for a bit o' holiday cheer)
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SANTA CLAUS?
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Yes, Santa is a long-standing tradition in our typically bland American
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society, and stands as a watchdog of current morality. But think for a moment.
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What IS this Santa Claus?
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1) A pagan tradition. Even St. Nickolas (or however you spell his name)
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is a pagan tradition adopted by the Catholic Church upon contact with the
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germanic tribes of the north. He's a PAGAN.
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2) He is a capitalist moneymonger. What better way to brainwash small
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children into blind faith in a capitalistic society than to reward "proper"
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social behavior with gifts that ultimately do little except feed the capitalist
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imperialist society more and more--and love of money distracts men from the
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true meaning of Christmas.
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3) He is a voyeur. "He knows when you are sleeping/He knows when you're
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awake". Need I say more?
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4) He wears a red suit.
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5) Have you ever examined the letters that comprise his name? S. A. N.
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T. A.. Rearranged, they give us his true identity:
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SATAN!!!!!!!!
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Think about it--red suit? pagan? voyeuristic? capitalistic? claus? It can
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all mean only one thing. Santa Claus is the devil himself. Watch and beware
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of his evil influences this holiday season. Merry whatever. :)
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---the Talking Drumm00se
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<ARD90@GENESEO.BITNET>
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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(From ANTEK@TAMBIGRF.BITNET)
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For everybody - Christmas greetings in :
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Armenian...Shenoraavor Nor Dari yev Pari Gaghand
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Azeri-Azerbaijan...Tezze Iliniz Yahsi Olsun
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Basque..Zorionstsu Eguberri. Zoriontsu Berri Urte
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Bulgarian...Tchestito Rojdestvo Hristovo. Tchestita Nova Godina
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Chinese-Cantonese...Gun Tso Sun Tan'Gung Haw Sun
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Chinese-Mandarin...Kung Ho Hsin Hsi. Ching Chi Shen Tan
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Czech...Prejeme Vam Vesele Vanoce a stastny Novy Rok
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Dutch...Zalig Kerstfeest en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar
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English... Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
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Estonian...Roomsaid Joulu Phui ja Uut Aastat
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Finnish...Hyvaa Joulua ja Onnellista Uutta Voutta
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French..Joyeux Noel et heureuse Anne
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Gaelic-Irish..Nolag mhaith Dhuit Agus Bliain Nua Fe Mhaise
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Gaelic-Scot..Nollaig Chridheil agus Bliadhna Mhath Ur
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German..Frohliche Weihnachten und ein Glueckliches Neues Jahr
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Greek...Kala Khristougena kai Eftikhes to Neon Ethos
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Hawaiian...Mele Kalikimake me ka Hauloi Makahiki hou
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Hebrew..Mo'adim Lesimkha
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Hungarian...Boldog Karacsonyl es Ujevl Unnepeket
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Icelandic..Gledlig jol og Nyar
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Indonesian..Selamah Tahun Baru
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Italian..Buon Natalie e felice Capo d'Anno
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Japanese..Shinnen omedeto. Kurisumasu Omedeto
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Korean..Sung Tan Chuk Ha
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Latvian...Priecigus Ziemas Svetkus un Laimigu Jauno Gadu
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Lithuanian...linksmu sventu Kaledu ir Laimingu Nauju Metu
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Norse-Danish...Gledlig jul og godt Nytt Aar
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Polish...Wesolych Swiat Bozego Narodzenia i Szczesliwego Nowego Roku
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Portuguese...Feliz Natal e propero Ano Novo
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Rapa-Nui (Easter Island)..Mata-Ki-Te-Rangi. Te-Pito-O-Te-Henua
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Romanian...Sarbatori Fericite. La Multi Ani
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Russian...Pozdrevlyayu sprazdnikom Rozhdestva Khristova is Novim Godom
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Samoan...La Maunia Le Kilisimasi Ma Le Tausaga Fou
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Serb-Croatian...Sretam Bozic. Vesela Nova Godina
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Singhalese (Sri Lanka)...Subha nath thalak Vewa. Subha Aluth Awrudhak Vewa
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Slovak...Vesele Vianoce. A stastlivy Novy Rok
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Slovene..Vesele Bozicne. Screcno Novo Leto
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Spanish...Feliz Navidad y prospero Ano Nuevo
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Swedish...Glad jul och ett gott Nytt ar
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Tagalog (Filipino) .. Maligayamg Pasko. Masaganang Bagong Taon
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Turkish...Yeni Yilnizi Kutar, saadetler dilerim
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Ukrainian...Veselykh Svyat i scaslivoho Novoho Roku
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Welsh..Nadolic Llawen. Blwyddn Newdd Dda
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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'Twas the night before Xmas
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the lab was quite still
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Not a bunsen was burning
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(Nor had they the will).
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The test tubes were placed
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in their racks with great care
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In hopes Father Chemistry
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soon would be there.
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The students were sleeping
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so sound in their dorms
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all dreaming of fluids
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and crystalline forms.
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Lab-aides in their aprons
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and I in my smock
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Were sitting, recov'ring
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from semester-end shock.
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When outside the lab
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there arose such a roar
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I leaped from my stool
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and fell flat on the floor.
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Out to the fire escape
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all of us flew
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What was the commotion?
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None of us knew.
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The flood lights shone out
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o'er the campus so bright
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It looked like old Stockholm
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on Nobel Prize night.
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My fume blinded eyes
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then viewed (dare I say?)
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Eight anions pulling
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a water-trough sleigh.
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And holding the bonds
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tied to each one of them
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Was a figure I knew
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as our own Papa Chem.
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With speeds in excess
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of most X-rays they came
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As they Dopplered along,
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he called each one by name.
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"Now, Nitrite, now Phosphate,
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now Borate, now Chloride,
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On Citrate, on Bromate,
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on Sulfite and Oxide.
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Forget what you know
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of that randomness stuff,
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Let's go straight to the roof,
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if you've quanta enough."
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As fluids Bernoullian
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behave in a pinch
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Those ions said, "Alchemist,
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this is a cinch!"
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So up to the lab-roof
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those "chargers" they sped
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With Pop Chemistry safe
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in his water-trough sled.
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Just a micro-sec later
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Electroscopes showed
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Charged particles coming
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to our lab abode.
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We raced back inside
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And what do you think?
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Down the fume-hood Pop Chem fell,
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right into the sink.
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He was dressed in a lab coat,
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quite ragged and old
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With removable buttons
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(the style, we're told!)
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A tray full of beakers
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he clutched to his heart
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And under his arm,
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was an orbital chart.
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His eyes, through his goggles,
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I just couldn't see,
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His hands were all yellow
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from H-N-O-3.
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His head was quite bald
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with a fringe all around
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Like a ring test for iron,
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the same shade of brown.
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He puffed a cigar
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with a smell not at all
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Unlike the organic lab
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right down the hall.
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The smoke billowed forth
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from his angular face
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And with Brownian movement,
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enveloped the place.
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He was thin as a match
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and not terribly tall
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He wasn't the type
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|
I'd expect at all.
|
|
But a look at his clothes,
|
|
in the lab's harsh white light,
|
|
With their acid burned holes-
|
|
He's a chemist all right!
|
|
He didn't say much
|
|
(he had no time to kill)
|
|
And filled all the test tubes
|
|
with nary a spill.
|
|
Then placed them back
|
|
on the benches with care
|
|
He dashed to the fume hood
|
|
and rose through the air.
|
|
He called to his team
|
|
and his ions took off
|
|
And kinetics took care
|
|
of Pop Chem in his trough.
|
|
But I heard him cry out
|
|
as he flew down the street
|
|
"Merry Christmas to all,
|
|
may your stockrooms stay neat!"
|
|
|
|
Compliments of my old Chem prof!!
|
|
Irish DreamM00se
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
Poems Written for Chemistry 103
|
|
by: The Mad Poet
|
|
*************************************************************************
|
|
|
|
Chem. 103
|
|
|
|
I think that I will never be
|
|
Awake for morning Chemistry.
|
|
The monotonal lecturing
|
|
Could put to sleep most anything.
|
|
|
|
While lofty theorems fall like rain,
|
|
My concentration starts to wane.
|
|
As I drift off, I wonder why
|
|
A lecture beats a lullaby.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Ode to a Chem. Prof.
|
|
|
|
A prof. who makes frequent mistakes
|
|
Likes to think that he has what it takes.
|
|
So he's made up a ruse
|
|
To cover his goofs -
|
|
He's just keeping his classes awake!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Classroom Chills
|
|
|
|
Through classes near and classes far,
|
|
Through classes new and old,
|
|
I wish that Building Maint'nance
|
|
Wouldn't keep the rooms so cold!
|
|
|
|
For even though I know the cold
|
|
Should keep us all awake,
|
|
Quite groggily I find that
|
|
I've begun to hibernate.
|
|
|
|
And as I watch my breath condense -
|
|
In steaming clouds it blows -
|
|
I realize I have icicles
|
|
A-forming on my nose.
|
|
|
|
The danger is that, though
|
|
My being here *might* help me pass,
|
|
*Survival* may be tough
|
|
With hypothermia in class!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Full-Professorship
|
|
|
|
The Doctor had a lecture class,
|
|
But he was such a dud
|
|
That every time he lectured there,
|
|
His words were clear as mud.
|
|
|
|
He didn't give a syllabus
|
|
To his befuddled class,
|
|
And actually he didn't care
|
|
If anybody passed.
|
|
|
|
If everybody failed -
|
|
Why it was in all of the rules -
|
|
He'd just go on next year
|
|
To fail another bunch of fools.
|
|
|
|
What rule could let him do this?
|
|
If you said, "It's age!" well then you're
|
|
Getting close because
|
|
What our dear Doctor has is *tenure*!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Party
|
|
|
|
Please, oh my friends, please don't veto my plan.
|
|
Please don't just tell me to stow it.
|
|
I really don't think the professor would mind.
|
|
In fact, shucks, he just wouldn't know it.
|
|
|
|
I know you all want to be learning in class
|
|
About vectors and gas density,
|
|
But what would it hurt if you took the day off
|
|
And started a party with me?
|
|
|
|
We would smuggle refreshments inside our bookbags.
|
|
We'd have walkmans for music galore.
|
|
We would spread ourselves out there behind the back rows,
|
|
And party there on the floor!
|
|
|
|
We'd have chips and wine coolers and pretzels and beer,
|
|
Soda and pizza and wings.
|
|
We would listen to music and play five card stud -
|
|
Why, we could do most anything.
|
|
|
|
The professor's so out of it, he'd just teach class
|
|
To the few die hard students remaining.
|
|
I really don't think that he'd notice at all
|
|
That his classroom attendance was waning.
|
|
|
|
So please, oh my friends, please don't veto my plan:
|
|
You know how much fun it would be
|
|
To spread yourselves out there behind the back rows
|
|
And come have a party with me.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
A Health Hazard
|
|
|
|
For those poor infirm members of our happy little class,
|
|
For those who carry books of more than half their body mass,
|
|
For those who, weak of heart and lung, do dwell upon these lines,
|
|
I have a word of warning you might ponder in your minds.
|
|
|
|
The Surgeon General has said that smoking isn't good,
|
|
And all of you have heard him, and yes, most have understood.
|
|
But yet another danger lurks! You should be made aware
|
|
Of the hazard that exists in climbing much too many stairs.
|
|
|
|
As you climb up, your pulse and breathing rates leap up so high,
|
|
That you can feel a heart attack is lurking just nearby.
|
|
Since you abuse your muscles, both your legs begin to cramp;
|
|
Because you sweat profusely, soon your clothing is quite damp.
|
|
|
|
The stairs outside the lecture hall: a good example, true,
|
|
And climbing all six flights of stairs cannot be good for you.
|
|
So all health-conscious students - never mind trying to pass!
|
|
You shouldn't risk a heart attack - unite and boycott class!
|
|
|
|
The Mad Poet is a creation of Kirsten Anderson, (LoreleiM00se) V123P62M@UBVMS
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
TWEEZE DENIED BEEF WORKER ISTHMUS
|
|
(twas the night before christmas)
|
|
|
|
Tweeze denied beef worker isthmus, winnow Trudy how's,
|
|
Snot agreed juries during, gnaw Tiffany moss.
|
|
|
|
This talking swear unbided Gemini wit cairn
|
|
Hint opus scenic (alas!) sinewy dare.
|
|
|
|
Unjelled runner nozzle tools smuggling deer butts
|
|
Well fissions unshoe kerplunks thence endear huts.
|
|
|
|
Anemometer cur chiffon dyeing mayhap,
|
|
Adjust subtle warp reins fairy loin winger snap.
|
|
|
|
Winnow taunted launderer roast sachet glitter
|
|
Ice brine bromide bet deucey woodwinds schemata.
|
|
|
|
Await Tudor widower blue lacking flesh,
|
|
Door roping tier shatters untrue hump these ash.
|
|
|
|
Demonian depressed often knew felines know
|
|
Gaffe cholesterol metier due abjects elope.
|
|
|
|
Wane wood tummy wandering ice shittah pear,
|
|
Vital men etchers lay mandate tidy Rainier.
|
|
|
|
Whittle it whole dolt river salival equipt,
|
|
Sinewy mom aunt isthmus bee-stain nicked.
|
|
|
|
Mere rabbit-torn evils whose gorses became
|
|
Any weaseled end shuttered, uncool tomboy maim.
|
|
|
|
"Node azure! No Dunce era! No France urine fixing!
|
|
Uncommit! And cubit! Andante ran vexing!
|
|
|
|
Toady tipoff deport chew detypify well!
|
|
Gnaw dish aweigh, dish aweigh, dish aweigh awl!"
|
|
|
|
Asked relieves dot beef forty whiled hurry queen fry,
|
|
Wind emit wooden apse stickle, mountie-desk eye,
|
|
|
|
Sew-up two-deep how stop duck horsers dubloon,
|
|
Witty slave fallow toils, ascend nickel loss due.
|
|
|
|
Ant tending at weakling - why hurt honor roof?
|
|
A brain sinning Boeing effete shiney huff.
|
|
|
|
Aside ruin mayhap untwist darning neuron
|
|
Bounding gym knee-scent knick (alas!) game winning pound.
|
|
|
|
Iwis tressed woolen furze promise etuis food,
|
|
Anus closed whorled varnished wood asses in suits.
|
|
|
|
Abound olived oils (egad!) flunk honor speck,
|
|
Any luck lockup addler chest (hope?) nimbus peck.
|
|
|
|
Assai Saudi twin calloused temples amore!
|
|
Exchequer lachryosis, whizz snows locket jury.
|
|
|
|
Estrual litter mouse wash thrown applique beau,
|
|
Amdahl biered honest Genesis weight hostess know.
|
|
|
|
Distempered ape pie pea yelled tiding is steed,
|
|
Undies mocha answer cul de sac lackey reed.
|
|
|
|
Egad! Abroad fastener litter hound bully
|
|
Achoo! quaintly left, lacking bull feeling jolly.
|
|
|
|
Iwis champion blimp -- arrayed chilly wool delve,
|
|
Any left whinney sow hymn, enspied off Moselle.
|
|
|
|
An oink office sigh unto whist office hood
|
|
Swoon gamey tonneau ahead knitting two tread.
|
|
|
|
Ease poke naught award, Beduoin strayed duets orc,
|
|
Infield eldest tuggings; interned witty chert,
|
|
|
|
End lioness fanger a sight office gnus,
|
|
Ant gibbon unknot, upon chimpanzee rows.
|
|
|
|
Hasp Rangoon is lay, due esteem guava wistful,
|
|
Ending weight day elf loo, lacking town ova tassle;
|
|
|
|
Buddy herding explain air hedge rowboat design,
|
|
"Hopping rich musty woolen due awl incondite!"
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
Hey there! Hi there! Ho there! *SMACK* *SMACK* *SMACK*
|
|
(The Mickey Mouse Club in the Spanish Inquisition)
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
|
|
Your question was:
|
|
|
|
> Why did I just shit in my pants? Did anyone else do it too?
|
|
|
|
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
|
|
|
|
} Yes, most people in your area also did -- a low-frequency sound wave
|
|
} caused sympathetic vibrations that made many people lose control of
|
|
} their anal sphincters. Don't be ashamed!
|
|
[ed. note - Hmm! It appears THEY are developing NEW ways to control us!
|
|
I could envision lots of possibilities for crowd control fnord here! ;^) -Pat]
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
> Every night while she sleeps, my girlfriend slowly changes into a
|
|
> shapeless blob of pulsating flesh, still wrapped in her own skin. By
|
|
> morning she is herself again, and apparently none the wiser. Should I
|
|
> tell her about this?
|
|
|
|
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
|
|
|
|
} Nah.
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
> I hope the Oracle has the answer to this most difficult question: Why
|
|
> does my 25 year old son keep seeing a girl that he has broken up with
|
|
> and only gives him grief? A puzzled mother wants to know!
|
|
|
|
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
|
|
|
|
} Hold it, the Oracle needs to switch modes for this one. What was the
|
|
} magic word for the German Psychaiatrist again? Oh yes: Goot Zex! Goot
|
|
} Zex! Goot Zex! Goot..
|
|
}
|
|
} [blur blur blur]
|
|
}
|
|
} Ja! Dat ees much better! Vell, ve schall see joost vat ees vrong vit
|
|
} your son, Frau Vorryvart.
|
|
}
|
|
} He ees 25 years old, eh? I vould say dat he is doing just vhat he damn
|
|
} vell pleases, den! Actually, he ees seeing zis girl solely for der
|
|
} poorpose of making you und nutzkopf. You should haff never given him
|
|
} such a vhipping over that broken bowl vhen he vas drei years old.
|
|
}
|
|
} Actually, eef you vould just meet zis girl vitout your son around, you
|
|
} vould see she ain't so bat after all, eh?
|
|
}
|
|
} So, quit meddling vit his bizness, unt get on vit your more pressing
|
|
} matters, like vhen ees he going to produce some grandtchildren ver you
|
|
} und Herr Vorryvart.
|
|
}
|
|
} Now, how vas dat I get back to zee normal Oracle? Oh ja, Veert Answers!
|
|
} Veert Answers! Veert Answers! Veert...
|
|
}
|
|
} [blur blur blur]
|
|
}
|
|
} You owe the Oracle a better German accent.
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
> What would be a good question to ask you?
|
|
|
|
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
|
|
|
|
} To start off, that WAS a good question.
|
|
}
|
|
} Other good questions include...
|
|
} Why is the soap dish always in line with the water in the shower?
|
|
} What is the correct response to "Thanks for calling!"
|
|
} What is the correct response to "What's up?"
|
|
} Do we have the right to an attorney being present on Judgment Day?
|
|
} Why did Ronald Reagan have to wait until AFTER he left office to
|
|
} have his brain fixed?
|
|
} Why do health food fanatics not look so healthy?
|
|
} Was Manuel Noriega any fun when he was a kid?
|
|
} If diamonds tasted like chocolate, would people actually eat them?
|
|
} Why don't acoustic guitars have wa-wa sticks?
|
|
} Whatever happened to the manned Mars mission Bush promised us?
|
|
} Why do smokers think they have the right to litter the world with
|
|
} cigarette butts?
|
|
} Why are places that are open 24 hours have locks on the doors?
|
|
} Why does the lighter flame drop to an unusable height every time you try
|
|
} to do a bong load?
|
|
}
|
|
} Just to get you started.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Maybe next decade..... :-)
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Will be sent under separate cover, as this issue is quite large already,
|
|
(And I don't have it yet from Darkling M00se! :) )
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
-- Christmas Issue and Last Issue of the 1980's! Wow, eh? Pretty hefty stuff! --
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|