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Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwa
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
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\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
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/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
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/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
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/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
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DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
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D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
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D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
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D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
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DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
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M00SE ILLUMINATI
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Issue #34| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything in |Dec. 01, 1989
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---------- this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill the --------------
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issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions. Except
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-ing those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in any
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way represent the Editors' fnord opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
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that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
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================================================================================
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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************************************* STAFF ************************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Editor - Patrick Salsbury <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
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Submissions to: DangerM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
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Back issue requests: Max Handelsman <MHANDELS@DREW.BITNET>
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and Johnathan Clemens <FSJPC@ALASKA.BITNET>
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or <FSJPC@ACAD3.FAI.ALASKA.EDU>
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M00se List updates and changes: Darkling M00se <V123NKUX@UBVMS.BITNET>
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(This space to let): Contact WarM00se <V291NHTP@UBVMS.BITNET>
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Hello again! And welcome to Church Chat! (Oops! Wrong personality cartridge!
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Sorry!)
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Hi! Happy December! I hope all you happy Turkey eaters in America
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(Remember, this is a world-wide, globally conscious conspiracy group, and not
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everyone celebrates Thanksgiving) had a good holiday, gorged yourselves silly,
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etc. And are now all happy to get back and get your 'Droppings.
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One quick plug for what I feel is a pretty good cause:
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As the Christmas Holidays approach, remember those who DIDN'T
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get to have a nice Thanksgiving Dinner, and probably won't have a good Christmas
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or New Years, unless we help. Buy an inexpensive toy, (Or grab one of yours from
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you room, I know *I'VE* got a bunch of old stuff! I'm a pack-rat! :) ) and a
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can or two of food, and donate them to a local charity. There are lots of
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collection places springing up now, keep an eye out for them. After all, we are
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supposed to confuse the masses, but we can also help out those who need it.
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EAT THE RICH! ;^)
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-Pat
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Would you belive I had not one, but TWO Beez sightings last week??
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What can this portend?? does it mean the end of the world?? does it
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mean I've finally lost the last of my marbles and am hallucinating?
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does it mean Elvis really IS alive? does it mean that Sun workstations
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really ARE possessed by the devil?????
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-GypsyLynx
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Coming soon to a store near you, the ultimate in m00sey breakfast cereal:
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Fruit Bl00ps with Toucan m00se ("Follow your ears, your wonderful ears, to the
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flavor of bl00ps!) --*AND*-- New, Chocolate Bl00ps!
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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From "Toast, Sex, & Fig Newtons" <FSDEM2@ALASKA.BITNET>
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Any m00ses out there desiring a copy of the Snarbist
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many/fisto (manifesto, for those of you not phonetically inclined),
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send a SASE to:
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Arnold Snarb
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Box 84494
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Fairbanks, Alaska 99708
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So, what is the Snarbist many/fisto? Nothing really important,
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truth be told, but it's fun to xerox off and distribute around
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campus. If we're not too tight on $, several other meaningless flyers
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by Arnold Snarb will be enclosed with the many/fisto.
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Th/hank/s,
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Mugwump
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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From Joanne Rosenshein <JROSENSH@SBCCVM.BITNET>
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=========================================================================
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The Surgeon General's Report on AIDS
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(All Internal Destruction Subprograms)
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The Surgeon General's office report a computer virus of epidemic
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proportions growing in the computing community. These viruses
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are deadly and there is no known single cure for all of the
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strains. The virus attacks the comupter where it has the least
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defense: the operating system. Then it slowly destroys the
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system by slowly eliminating small portions of data. The
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original strain has been shown to be suppressed by the program
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AZT (Anti-Zealous program Terminator), but the product may be
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over-marketed, and lesss effective than promised. Additional
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strains have shown little effect when exposed to this program.
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A virus may be contained in a disk or memory for long periods of
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time before showing any of the effects. Some are time triggered
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to go off at certain times (Columbus day, Fri 13, Halloween,
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ect.) but all viruses seem to have some effect on all of its
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victims.
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Some users and computers are at greater risk than others. Those
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computers that communucate with their own kind (homocommunals)
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are the apparant target of many viruses, although the virus can
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be communicated to other computer types, as well. Those
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computers using DOS seem to have the highest concentration of
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the virus, compared to non-DOS machines. Data recovery experts
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are often exposed to viruses by accidentally putting their own
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disk into an infected computer, or having an infected disk used
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on their own systems. These experts should take extreme care in
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workign in these environments so they will not contract the
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disease. Virus hunters have much the same risk.
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The Surgeon General's office reccomends the following measures
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to the US Government and its citizens:
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1) Don't do DOS. If you MUST dont share your disks, or at least
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use a cleansing program on those disks before using them.
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2) Do NOT copy programs from another computer, or if you must,
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try to only copy programs with another or a small, closed
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group that has been tested for the virus, and do NOT have it.
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There must be NO outside input into this group, or the whole
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group may be exposed.
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3) Avoid BBS's and Software pools known to carry illegal or high
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risk programs that have been uploaded and downloaded.
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Especially those that require payment for copy priviledges.
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4) Also, we should regulate and heavily test all Public Domain
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programs and distributors and recovery specialists for signs
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of the viruses. These are especially at risk since they
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draw programs from those who don't know that they have the
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virus, or those that don't know that it is contageous.
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The Surgeon General's office feels that these precautions will
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curtail the spread and magnitude of the disease, if the public
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is willing to act now. Soon, everybody in the nation will know
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someone with the virus, and you may have to work next to a
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computer that has it.
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C. Chicken Coop
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Still no word on M.I. T-shirts. I think they're just a myth.
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"A what?"
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"MYTH! MYTH!"
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"Yeth?"
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Submissions are starting to lag. Send in your material!
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Dominations are on the rise. Stock up on your whips! :)
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Mega-Thr0ng-A-Thon?
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Where?
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Big M00se, NY?
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Sounds good to me! When?
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Dunno. Maybe in the spring? Maybe as soon as school lets out (May-ish)?
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Maybe over winter break?
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SEND IN YOUR IDEAS!
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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(*Right about now, you are about to be possesed by the sounds of Emcee M00se
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Base and DJ EZ M00se*)
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Hit it!
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Bl00p! Yeah! Bl00p! Yeah! Bl00p! Yeah! Bl00p! Yeah! Bl00p! Yeah!
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It takes m00se to make a thing go right!
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It takes m00se to make it outa site!
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It takes m00se to make a thing go right!
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It takes m00se to make it outa site!
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Hit it!
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I wanna m00se right now!
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I'm M00se Base and I've come to get cow!
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I'm not internationally known.
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But, I can eat a microphone!
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Because I am stupid and outrageous!
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Get away because it's contagious!
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Because I'm a window, no not a cruiser.
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Bein' insane is what I choose-uh.
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Ladies snub me. Girls abhore me.
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I mean even the ones who never saw me.
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Hate the way that I pick my nose.
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The reason why, man, I don't know.
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So, lets blow chunks!
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(Bl00p! Yeah!)It takes bl00p to make a thing go right!
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(Bl00p! Yeah!)It takes m00se to fill my appetite!
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(Bl00p! Yeah!)It takes bl00p to make a thing go right!
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(Bl00p! Yeah!)It takes m00se to fill my appetite!
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********************************************************************************
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RuprechtM00se
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RN:1814
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ps-I have the tape of the real song. And the words sound exactly like this.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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[Wow! A double-shot of RuprechtM00se! Pretty hip, eh? :) -Pat]
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Description: what is a wilbury?
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Submitted by RuprechtM00se <V067LUFD@UBVMSD>
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(Originally From V201LRXA@UBVMS)
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the original wilburys were a stationary people who, realising that their
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civilisation could not stand still forever, began to go for short walks - not
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the "traveling" as we now know it, but certainly as far as the corner and back.
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they must have taken to motion, in much the same way as penguins were at that
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time taking to ledges, for the next we hear of them they were going out for the
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day (often taking lunch or a picnic).
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later - we dont as yet know how MUCH later - some intrepid wilburys
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began to go away for the weekend, leaving late friday and coming back sunday. it
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was they who evolved simple rhythmic forms to describe their adventures.
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a remarkable sophisticated musical culture developed, considering there
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were no managers or agents, and the further the wilburys traveled the more
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adventurous their music became, and the more it was revered by the elders of
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thetribe who believed it had the power to stave off madness, turn brunettes into
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blondes and increase the size of their ears.
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but as the wilburys began to go further and further in their search for
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musical inspiration they found themselves the object of interest among many
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lessdeveloped species - night-club owners, tour operators and recording
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executives.
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to the wilburys, who had only just learnt to cope with wives, roadies
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and drummers, it was a blow from which many of them never recovered. they became
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hairdressers or tv rental salespersons.
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but a tiny handful survived - the last of the traveling wilburys - and
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the songs gathered here represent the popular laments, the epic and heroic
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taleswhich characterise the apotheosis of the elusive wilbury sound. the message
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of the music travels, as indeed they traveled and as i myself must travel for
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further treatment. good listening, good night, and let thy wilbury done...
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sleeve note (c) hugh jampton, e.f. nori-bitz reader in applied jacket, faculty
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of sleeve notes, university of krakatoa (east of java)
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wilbury record company is a subdivision of the trans-wilbury corporation of
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bulgaria.
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and that, my friends, is a traveling wilbury.
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the supreme wilbury
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********************************************************************************
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this is possibly good for the newsletter, huh? You never publish my stuff*.
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RuprechtM00se
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Here's a copy of the M00se Quiz and Its answers from somebody at Buffalo
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The origional Quiz was deleted, This is the best I can do.
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>1) Do m00se ever wear red jackets ?
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Yes there are three times:
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a) They are waiters at a Chinese Restaurant
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b) They live in a specific area of Ellicott
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[Ed. note: UB has part of a housing complex (Ellicott) called
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Red Jacket Quad -Pat]
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c) They join the Shriners (Sit on a happy fez!)
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-- that last comment applies to hats, not m00ses.
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>2) How would a m00se...
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> 2a) .....hot wire a car?
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The general m00se technique of car hotwiring does not actually
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involve the wires. Since any respectable m00se carries around
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a good assortment of Craftsman hand-tools, he simply uses a file
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to file down his antlers into a key shape. This key-template can
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be broken off and used as a key, or kept on the head, and copied
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at a local hardware store.
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The second method is preferable to m00ses, as it is becoming
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increasingly popular or m00ses to have sculpted antlers, and a
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good set of keys is as attractive as a good Michelangelo copy.
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If all else fails, m00ses have been known to hire anarchists to
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either hot wire it (using human methods), or blow it up (if it
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was a particularly hard job, wasting much good antler space.
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> 2b) ....Pick up a girl in a club?
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Very carefully. Antlers can be damaging.
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> 2c) .........climb an elevator shaft ?
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What a silly question! But in case it's not obvious to everyone:
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He would hire a union crew to tip the entire onto its side, thus
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creating a horizontal shaft. The m00se would gingerly walk up,
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being a relative term, the shaft until the desired floor is reached.
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The same union crew would then be re-hired to set the building up
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in the position it was originally in -- ie: standing up.
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Climbing down the shaft is a bit trickier, and involves very
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difficult quantum physics, the nature of which is proprietary,
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and therefore cannot be divulged.
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>3) When is it a good time to avoid m00ses ?
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After they've been climbing elevator shafts. (Do you know how much
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a union crew of building tippers costs these days??)
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>4) Can m00ses ever be charmed ?
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Yes. A good m00se costume of the opposite sex works, but is danger-
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ous without chain-mail underwear around male m00ses.
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Another good method is giving them a free building tipping certifi-
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cate, as the number of m00ses taking up this hobby is increasing
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daily.
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>5) What's the average speed of a running m00se?
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For an automatic m00se, about 600 rpm. That's the normal idle. With
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air conditioning, 750 is average. For manual m00ses, 500 with no A/C,
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650 with. These averages can be used for timing and tuning up.
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Actual speed of movement depends on the model. The older Bl00ick
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Electras average only 90 or so, while the latest Antler-gini can
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has been rumored to reach 200 miles an hour.
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>6) What do you do when a m00se wants to sell you a used car?
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First see if he has the proper license. There has been a rash of
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m00ses opening up used car lots without licenses, which is ironic,
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as a m00se's license to operate a car lot it much easier to get
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then a human's.
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If the m00se can produce the license, make sure he/she is a m00se.
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There are a bunch of unscrupulous humans out there wearing very
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convincing m00se costumes, just so they can get a m00se license,
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thus avoiding the necessary literacy and urine tests humans are
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subjected to. An easy way of doing this is to look at the antlers.
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A real m00se does not have mold seam lines, nor the words "MADE IN
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JAPAN" imprinted anywhere.
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If you can determine that the m00se has a legitimate license and
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is a real m00se, use the charming methods I outlined above to get
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the best deal possible. (I saved over $8,800 on a '53 Studebaker
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using this method.)
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>7) If a m00se is seen on a highway, what should a driver do?
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Pull off and take public transportation! M00ses are notoriously
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bad drivers -- they're much better at selling cars.
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BL00P!
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Chris M00spaw
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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From V093P9AX@UBVMS (Who STILL hasn't supplied a name of any sort, but it
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doesn't really matter much, as this is the last episode of "Things" that I
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have.)
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Here I go with THINGS V : DIETETIC GRASS
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(yes, each sequel gets worse)
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PRUNES
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-----------------------
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Okay, a guy has no arms, no legs, and a face: what's he gonna do? If he
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had only suscribed to SPY, he could have become ruler of Croatia. But no, he
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went for curtain number 7.
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hopPING MAD
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---------------------------
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Beneficially, we are often forced to do things that we find are necessary.
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But they can be quite pleasant if you accuse it of lighting up in a subway sand-
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wich. Non-metaphorically, life can be a bowl of francs if you mark it now and
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yen with a lire of milk.
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TwO much to SOON
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_______________________________
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Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please,
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please, please, please. Don't try it, you'll like it. I think it sucks when
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things are cut off and continued at a later t
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*******TO BE CONTINUED*******
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[Maybe. -- Pat]
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Hey! I located an Oracle on USENET! I'm not sure if it's the same source as
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previous Oracle stuff, but it's funny! :)
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-Pat
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
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Your question was:
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> O Oracle most Unburdened with Mortal Affairs! Why is it, that no matter
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> how hard you try, you can't bend a potato chip?
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And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
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} Seeker, you are trying too hard. You yourself must bend, like a blade
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} of grass in the wind, before you can bend a potato chip. You must spend
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} long years learning to center yourself, learning to quiet the multitude
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} of voices in your mind, learning to be calm, learning to walk across
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} vast bonfires, learning to chew with your mouth closed, learning to
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} levitate and fly. Then, and only then, can you bend a potato chip.
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}
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} Or you could soak it in water for a day or two.
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}
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} -- the zen oracle
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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> What is the meaning of lif?
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And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
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} Th meanin o lif i butterfl hoverin ove flowe. Th meanin o lif i lov an
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} ligh an happines. Th meanin o lif i purit o spiri, an blessednes. Th
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} meanin o lif i lif.
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}
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} Yo ow th oracl Ne Ag sourceboo.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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> Why have I never read an Ernest Hemmingway book that I thought was very
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> good with the possible exception of the "Old Man and the Sea." Did he
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> sell his soul to the devil as a claim to fame, or is it that I have no
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> taste?
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And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
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} Ernest Hemingway lived in a simpler time. A time when men were men and
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} women were women (except for Dorothy Parker, who was Marie of Romania,
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} and Marilyn Monroe, who was an android from Mars, but it's basically
|
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} accurate). A time when what was important was deeds. Deeds were
|
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} important! Leins were pretty important too, and certificates of title,
|
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} but deeds were king. So, anyways, Ernie wrote about deeds, but his
|
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} editor said to him "Mr. Hemingway, you have no head for real estate.",
|
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} so he wrote about other things instead. He also threatened to take
|
|
} several of the most important reviewers on drinking expeditions with him
|
|
} if they wrote bad reviews.
|
|
}
|
|
} He didn't sell his soul to the devil, although at one point he offered
|
|
} the devil Van Gogh's ear in exchange for a new typewriter.
|
|
}
|
|
} You owe the Oracle some AM radio jamming equipment.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
> What are text editors made of?
|
|
|
|
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
|
|
|
|
} It depends on the editor. MacWrite is made from congealed sparrow farts
|
|
} woven together with absurdities. Most editors running on IBM PCen under
|
|
} DOS are made of cholera and bubonic plague germs compounded with the
|
|
} smell of rancid butter and marsh gas. Vi is made of the glint of
|
|
} moonlight on steel, the smell of violets, and the gurgle of a brook.
|
|
} Emacs is made from the glint of starlight on purest gold, the echo of
|
|
} distant thunder, the smell of a ``La Reine Victoria'' Bourbon rose, a
|
|
} reflection of a shy maiden's smile, and the taste of the best champagne.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Nothing this time. Sorry.
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
I Bid Thee Greetings And Salutati0ns !!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
My Name is M00se... DArkling M00se!
|
|
And I'm here with y0ur issue by issue update:
|
|
But First An Edit0rial Resp0nse:
|
|
<*CENS0RED*>
|
|
That's right... Y0u've guessed it... N0w 0n with the c0untd0wn(I mean update :>
|
|
|
|
)()()()))()()))()()()()()()()())()()NEw M00ses)()()()))()()()())()())()()()()(
|
|
Welc0me t0 the realm 0f M00sed0m:
|
|
Wizard M00se (MHANDELS@DREW)
|
|
BL00P!
|
|
Fr0m this day hence y0u are welc0med, Arise:
|
|
Ice L0rd (DICRESCE@CTSTATEU)
|
|
BL00p!!
|
|
Y0u have travelled far...Y0u t00 are welc0med:
|
|
Emile Leblanc (LEBLANCE@MATH.UT0RN0T0.CA)
|
|
Bl00p!!!
|
|
ALth0ugh y0u have n0 name Y0u are still Welc0med:
|
|
(TIETJEN@CTSTATEU)
|
|
BL00P!!!!
|
|
M00seketers 0f Marist, I salute thee:
|
|
Rescue M00se (STJT@MARISTB)
|
|
Sensu M00se (KKJM@MARISTB)
|
|
Raistie M00se (KJE2@MARISTB)
|
|
Bl00p!!!!!
|
|
I welc0me thee, Me thr0ng Su Thr0ng:
|
|
LadyBlue M00se (V087Q5JD@UBVMS)
|
|
BL00P!!!!!!!!!
|
|
And 0f C0urse we must n0t F0rget (Again ,S0rry :>)
|
|
Welc0me t0 thee:
|
|
W0rld M00se (V129J6ED@UBVMS)
|
|
BL00P!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
And t0 0ur fell0w M00se fr0m The Realm 0f the Net,
|
|
C0nsider Thyself A part 0f the Family:
|
|
-GreyF0xM00se (NET%"GREYF0X@UUNET.UU.NET")
|
|
BL00P!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
Greetings And Welc0me t0 the Newest Chapter(S0meday T0 be thr0ng!)
|
|
I Am Pr0ud t0 Welc0me Thee, James Madis0n University's first M00se.
|
|
Amy S. Fitzgerald (STU_ASFITZGE@JMUVAX1)
|
|
BL00P!!!!!!!
|
|
Last But n0t least, Greetings and Salutati0ns t0 the newest additi0ns t0
|
|
0ne 0f the Fastest Gr0wing Thr0ngs in the nati0n. SBCCVM !!!
|
|
Arise and Be C0unted As M00ses Am0ng M00ses,
|
|
I Bid thee Arise:
|
|
Mark R0vner (MR0VNER@SBCCVM)
|
|
Mike Mathews (ASYMPT0T@SBCCVM)
|
|
Chris Halecky (CHALECKEY@SBCCVM)
|
|
Drew Riggi0 (ARIGGI0@SBCCVM)
|
|
Dave Klingman (DKLINGMA@SBCCVM)
|
|
Steve War0nek (XRAYSR0K@SBCCVM)
|
|
BL00P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
Welc0me T0 all the new M00ses!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
)()()()()()()()()()()(()(BE M00sey t0 each 0ther()())()()()(())(())()()()))(
|
|
0ne m0re thing...
|
|
I am sad t0 rep0rt that we have l0st a few m00ses.
|
|
(*SNIFFLE,SNIFFLE,SNIF,SNIF*)
|
|
G00d bye t0 :
|
|
"0ZER@CHEME.TN.C0RNELL.EDU" (D0n't take any w00den dr0ppings)
|
|
The entire 0ld D0mini0n Thr0ng!!! (Hasta Lueg0!!! DUDES!!)
|
|
0h well, that's the way the the M00se chips crumble!
|
|
|
|
(Y0U may BEH0LD and TREMBLE, n0w)
|
|
_ /\ _
|
|
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
|
|
\_____/ () \_____/
|
|
/ \
|
|
/ \__/ \
|
|
/__________\
|
|
_ /\ _ _ /\ _
|
|
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
|
|
\_____/ () \_____/ \_____/ () \_____/
|
|
/ \ DArkling / \
|
|
/ \__/ \ M00SE / \__/ \
|
|
(J0M00se(*blush*)/__________\V123NKUX/__________\ *updates fr0m N0v 14-29*
|
|
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()(@UBVMSD)()(()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwax Issue - Earwa
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|