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BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
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\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
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/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
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/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
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/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
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DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
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D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
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D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
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D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
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DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
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M00SE ILLUMINATI
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Issue #28| Disclaimer: The Editors will place almost anything | June 30, 1989
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---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
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the issue, so don't blame them for the quality or content of the submissions.
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Excepting those they may have written themselves, the enclosed items do not in
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any way represent the Editors' opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say
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that as far as this newsletter is concerned, they have no opinions at all. OK?
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================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Having just seen the Bat on friday there really isn't much to say except WOW..
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"He has such nice toys.."(The Joker)
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- Goblin WITHALL@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
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- SalmonM00se LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (Bitnet)
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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This just in: A thr0ng of approximately eleven m00ses was seen at the East
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Hartford Showcase Cinemas on Friday, the 23rd of June. Some of them were caught
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by the Channel 8 News cameras. They fl0cked through the d00rs to catch Batman
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on opening night. M00ses from the Wesleyan, CCSU and Hartford Thr0ngs attended.
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The m0vie received five bl00ps from Thr0ngel and M00sebert.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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If interested in M00se Illuminati T-SHIRT's contact DICKSON@HARTFORD.
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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Greetings my fellow M00ses!
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Due to several occurences recently [and in the future] I've decided
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upon something. After learning in my Prophecies that I am to become
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a deity in the future, and that Spaceman Biff! [who is NOT a wimp...I wouldn't
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want to wrestle him over a fish head] declaring "Long Live Lord Trelf", I've
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decided to declare my own Church - "The Followers of His High Holy Trelfness".
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This church, and it's followers, will make it's goals to be these - the
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improvment of the shelling and cooking of mollusks, especially those
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unwashed infidels the Scallops [OOOOOOHHHHH], the bettering of techiniques
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designed to cause the decapitation of fish [namely, bait fishing], and
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the lining of my pockets with cold hard cash.
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Holy Symbol : The head of a rainbow trout sitting on a can of Foster's Beer.
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Holy Colors : Cobalt Blue, White, and [what the hell] mauve.
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Entrance into the order:
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Very Simple - First, thou must watch the movie "Excalibur". Next,
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thou must watch the video of Sam Kinison's "Wild Thing" 300 times in
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a row while drinking Foster's beer and ripping the heads from Rainbow
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trout. [Be sure to place the fish heads on top of the empty cans]. After
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this, you should see the light and flock to me...but before you flock,
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be sure to surrender over to me all bank accounts, credit cards, and rebate
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stickers.
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Gifts of Lord Trelf:
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Remember, His High Holy Trelfness, Lord Trelf, is a most kind and
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benevolent spiritual leader, and will grant many gifts to his followers.
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These include eternal happiness, peace of mind, free love [a small nominal
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fee], contentment, and this beautiful yet fuctional 20-IN-1 digital watch.
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So come to me, my M00ses, flock to my banner and revel in my Trelfness.
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The universe and all eternity will be yours!
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Copyright: 1989, Ronco Enterprises
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Another song from those musical m00ses...
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Have you ever seen a m00se,
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fearless and brave,
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calm and couth?
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Have you ever seen him run,
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scared and cowardly,
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from a large gun?
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Have you ever seen him eat,
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large portions of hay,
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and gleaming wheat?
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Have you ever seen him rest,
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in the meadow or forest,
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at his personal best?
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Have you ever seen him fight,
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another m00se or c0w,
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in the day or night?
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Have you ever found a m00se,
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that could be your friend,
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all hip and loose?
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If you have, you've passed the test,
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you've found your calling,
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You're one of the best.
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Bl00p!
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*BritM00se*
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&
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**Mel0dy the Musical M00se**
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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More Star Trash...
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********************************************************************************
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Data:Captain, there is an alien life form on your head!
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Picard:Nonsense, Data. I simply have a (sigh) full head of hair again.
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Data:Nevertheless, it could be dangerous. I suggest we go to the medlab for
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some tests.
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Troi:Captain, I am feeling...
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Riker:You're feeling Wesley. Hands off, kid.
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Wesley:Gosh, sir, sorry.
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Worf:Hmmm. Giordi, is this look ME?
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Giordi:Looks good to me, Worf.
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Data:Captain, I must insist. If nothing else, the Chief Medical Officer has
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not yet appeared in this episode, and this provides an opportunity for
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your smoldering potential romance to receive more screen time.
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Picard:No, I can handle this. As you were. Number one, you have the helm.
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{Captain's Cabin}
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Wesley:Knock knock
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Picard:Come, no no, stop thinking about Troi, ensign.
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Wesley:Yessir. Well, sir, I was wondering about the alien life form you have
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on your head.
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Picard:Yes, what about it?
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Wesley:Well, sir, Troi says she feels unhappiness radiating from it in great
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waves, sir. The one on Worf is apparently happy, but yours is ill,
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sir.
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Picard:Nonsense, Wesley. I have perfect faith in Counselor Troi's legs, make
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that abilities, but this time she is mistaken.
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{The alien life form slides off Picard's head, obviously kaput}
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Picard:Medteam to the Captian's quarters on the double. Emergency!
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{Close with closeup shot of Picard's anguished face}
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********************************************************************************
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{The Medlab}
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Pulaski:Well, it's definitely dead.
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Picard:What killed it?
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Data:Analysis indicates that the buildup of polishing materials on your scalp,
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Captain, was toxic to the organism.
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Picard:That's ridiculous.
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Data:Captain, you command a ship crewed by an android, a yuppie Klingon, the
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bastard son of James T. Kirk, a blind helmsman, the most precocious
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humanoid geek in the galaxy, and a walking biorhythms machine, and you
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have the gall to call ANYTHING ridiculous?
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Picard:Point taken, Data. Number Two?
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Crew:Umm, who's that, I dunno, what number are you?
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Picard:Never mind. Where's Worf? We must confiscate and examine his lifeform
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before it's too late.
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Worf:Growl. You called, Captain?
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Picard:Yes, Lt. Worf. You must remove the life form from your head and
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surrender it to Dr. Pulaski here for examination. One of the creatures
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has already died and before anything else happens, I want to know
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what's going on.
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Worf:Yes, sir (Tries to take it off but it won't budge) Captain, the organism
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is attached to my head. Growl!
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Data:As I am an android, sir, perhaps I could give it a try, seeing as my
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strength is greater than that of any lifeform.
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Picard:Go right ahead, Data.
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(Data rips the Toupee off Worf's head and suddenly the ship
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starts to shudder, red lights sound, and the camera
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goes 37 degrees to the left)
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Giordi:Data, I told you to cut that stuff out!
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Wesley:(Over the intercom)Captain, we're under attack! Gosh!
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Picard:We're on our way. Picard out. Let's go, people
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{Closing shot of Picard's determined face}
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*************************** M00SCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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June 19, 1989
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Bl00p! Spaceman Biff! here.
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Okay, after having taken on clams, scallops (oooh), fishkilling,
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Saturday Morning Star Trek, Quantum Love, and the Phone Company, it's
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time to address the evolution question. Specifically, why do some men
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have chest hair and others not? The accepted answer has been that chest
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hair is a vestigial tie to our simian past (the When-Our-Ancestors-
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Jumped-Down-From-The-Trees-Some-Jumped-Farther-Than-Others theory, first
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put forward by Lt. Dr. Coffman, Seoul, Korea, 1956). However, of the
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hundreds of stone figurines unearthed from our prehistoric past, NOT ONE
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has had deer fur, hemp,etc. glued to its chest to simulate chest hair.
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In fact, the earliest reference to chest hair is that in the bible, when
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Esau, a swarthy and hairy dude, was cheated out of his inheritance for a
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bowl of soup (noone ever said hairy=brainy) by his brother, who was
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jealous of the lush growth on his bosom (pardon). The conclusion is
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obvious; chest hair developed sometime between prehistoric time (June 19,
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100,000 BC) and the Biblical age.
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Now, normally, such mutations persist and dominate the earlier
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species due to a biological advantage either created by the mutation or
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imposed by the environment. However, jealous younger brats aside, there
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has been no particular advantage to hairychestedness; and thus both
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varieties of human male have persisted.
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What, then, is chest hair for? I think I have discovered the
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answer. It's for storing soap lather in the shower. Thus, with the
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invention of the shower in the nineteenth century, a tremendous
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biological advantage was created, favoring follicled fronts. For
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example, men who can more effectively store soap under a coursing stream
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of water will necessarily be cleaner, and thus more attractive to the
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female of the species, and thus more likely to propagate. This is the
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first known mutation that preceded the need by hundreds upon thousands
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of years. In any case, I predict that "smoothies" will die out within
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seven thousand years, and that the advantage will eventually be
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developed through mutation by the female as well. Blissfully, I will be
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dead by then.
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I used no chemicals, my confusion is natural,
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--Spaceman Biff!
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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In an exercise of pomposity and self-indulgent behavior, I am pleased to
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announce the first installment in a perhaps-regular feature:
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PICKLE REVIEWS THE MOVIES
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The title above may change from issue to issue, however, as I feel equally
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inclined to tell you how to feel about records and books. For now, however,
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it's going to be a movie. So let's get right along with my review of...
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DEAD POETS SOCIETY
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This movie is incredible. By that, of course, I don't mean unbelievable,
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I mean amazingly good. It reinforces a fact that is obvious to some of us
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already: Literature and writing are the single most important subjects to
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learn about in the entire universe.
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Engineering and the like are "noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain
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life," says Robin Williams in his role as English teacher John Keating. "But
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poetry, beauty, love -- these are what we stay alive *for*."
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I admit, it is difficult to take Robin Williams seriously at first. One
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look at that face and all you can think of is "Hallloooooooo! Shut the fuck
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up!" But as soon as he starts teaching his class, you start forgetting that he
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is a stand-up comedian.
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The other actors are also very good. Unfortunately, I don't recall any of
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their names, and I haven't got a paper with me. But watch Neil, Todd, and
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Charlie for exceptional performances. The young woman who plays Chris, The
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Most Beautiful Girl Knox Overstreet Has Ever Seen In His Life And Who Rates
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Pretty High Up On My Scale Too, does that job rather well. She acts, too, and
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quickly convinces you that Knox *would* fall in love with her in a single
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evening.
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Oh, and RoboCop fans, look at Neil's dumb-ass father! Recognize him?
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That's right! It's our buddy Clarence Boddicker (sp?), meanest crime-boss in
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town! The man is slime, and I hope I see him on-screen a lot more.
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What more can I say? I know. The photography is amazing, and the music
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is very good. But I think that's about all I can say without giving too much
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away. Now, how shall I rate films? I know....
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DEAD POETS SOCIETY: BL00P BL00P BL00P BL00P BL00P
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That'll be the highest rating I give. If I use some other animal sound
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besides that of the majestic m00se, you'll know I really hated it.
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You know, this is fun. And it was kind of short, so I think I'll go on.
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Now, for Pickle's videotape review of the day:
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EVIL DEAD II
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This movie is great! I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes! Easily
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the funniest movie I've seen all year, probably the funniest since Roger
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Rabbit. I have to thank fellow founding m00se Mike Harm for making me watch
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this one.
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Some background: Evil Dead was a very bad horror film made more than ten
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years ago. Some bozo said, "Hey....let's get the same lead actor, rebuild the
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set, and make a sequel."
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Somebody else, not without justification, pointed out that the first movie
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had really sucked goose eggs.
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"So, we'll have fun with this one," the bozo said.
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Man, did they! I hear that for one scene, where blood is supposed to
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squirt out of a hole in a wall, they bought the wrong pump. Blood gushes out
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of every possible opening on that side of the room with approximately the force
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of a firehose. When they saw the result, the film makers said, "what the hell?
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It's funnier that way."
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The lead actor is perfect. Faking (obviously) tears for his girlfriend
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one minute, looking like a deranged Mel Gibson Road Warrior the next, laughing
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in a stark, raving mad fashion at another point, he gets put through hell in
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this movie and makes you love every sadistic minute of it. The scene where his
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hand gets possessed and beats him senseless with dishes is hysterical. Even
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better is when he starts a chainsaw with his teeth and amputates the offensive
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little critter, shouting "WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?! WHOOO'S LAUGHING NNOOOWWWW?!?!?"
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And that's just the beginning. It gets FAR more deranged, entertaining, and
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laugh-riot-ish later on.
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The great thing about this movie is that, while we all like to rent bad
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movies and laugh at them, this one was made just for that purpose. And so you
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can't really say it's bad. It's not a horror film, it's a gruesome comedy, and
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a damn funny one.
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Only problem with the movie is that they don't tell you that the first
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five minutes is a condensed version of the first movie. So when you rent this,
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bear in mind that the whole section up until the front door of the house
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explodes and the camera rushes toward the main character, and he turns around
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and screams, is intro. Yeah, I know it's a bad sentence. Go write your own
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movie reviews.
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I've heard the first movie isn't worth seeing even as background, so I
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haven't watched it. Evil Dead II is thoroughly enjoyable without it.
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EVIL DEAD II: BL00P BL00P BL00P BL00P
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This has been your roving entertainment critic/cynic/snob. If you
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disagree with me, your artistic opinions are obviously not worth a damn.
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NOTE: The snobbish, mildly offensive attitude in these reviews is simply part
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of getting into character for the reviewing business. Don't take it personally.
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******************************* MEET THE M00SES ********************************
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W W ^ W W
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WW WW / \ WW WW
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WWWWWW/ \WWWWWW
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/ {0} \
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/ \
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/ VVVVVVV \
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/ ^^^U^^^ \
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/_____________\
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Chapter Name: B0liver Shagnasty Chapter (formerly Din0m00se Chapter)
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Grand P00bah: Christopher Weller
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Bullm00se: C. Weller
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Treasurer: Toph "Mad Dog" Weller
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Thr0ng: Wilfed Hyde-White thr0ng (formerly Trinity Throng)
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Nickname(s): Black Adder, Roach, Dark Qvelle, Hey, You!
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Life Form: I'm receiving strange readings, Captain.....
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Positions of
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Importance: Jester, Trinity Fantasy Guild; High Priest of Isaac Azathoth
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bullm00se of Wilfred Hyde-White thr0--
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I WON'T INTERRUPT THIS ID FILE FOR A POUND.
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Sex: Okay, come round my place about 11:30. BYO Mayonaise.
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Net Adress: CWELLER@TRINCC Purity Quotient: 55.5% (2/89)
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Description: Carbonbasedbipedalcaucasian of Half(insertpointyearraceof
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yourchoice) descent approxiamtelyfivefootninebyonehundredfifty
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poundsBrownhairBlueeyesand twelvetentacle-likeappendages.
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Favourite Saying: "If you can't say anything nice about anyone, come sit
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next to me."
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--somebody
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Religion: Relaxed Agnostic. Dunno the answers, ain't lookin' too hard.
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Patron dieties: Elvis, Isaac Azath0th
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Pet: Lord Siegfried Montgomery Lizardo a fuckin' pesky ferret.
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Activities: Trinity College Fantasy Guild (Veep), RPG's (ADND,
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Champions, Star Wars), Comic Books, Scifi, Movies, Books,
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Writing, Interactive Literature.
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College Info: Trinity College (Hartford CT) Class of 91
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Major: East Asian Studies (Nihongo o hanashimaska?)
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Other: kimble grumble knock vent whoop! Whoop! Finercrimson
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duck duck nurley wang tang Chocobar Galactica!
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FNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORDFNORD
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The Official M00se Illuminati Identification Form
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Chapter Name: Kendall Rush
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Nickname(s): Satan,Mentat Mode(a Dune(the series) reference), Rasta
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Life Form: Subconscious Projection
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Sex: Male by birth, Heterosexual By Choice, Monogomist by
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Neccessity
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Net Address: v096jbxl@ubvmsd Purity Quotient: 64%
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but I'm trying
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Description: 6'3, ex-high school footballer (lineman), brown eyes,
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and black hair, known to be a charmer.
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Favourite Saying: "Every body wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die"
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"I hear ya... i'm withya... a thousand points of light."
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Other Stuff: I like any form of music as long as it's not redundant
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and/or you can dance to it. Really fond of Reggae and
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African Folk as well as Afro-pop.
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I can usually found with my nose in a book.
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I like hard core punk and when asked how come I
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don't look like a punker, my favorite answer is,
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"I'm a non-conformist, and in order to prove my
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non-conformity you expect me to conform to what
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society believes a non-conformist should look like,
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and only until I conform to what society thinks, does
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the punk community of the place consider me a
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non-conformist. This my friend is a what we call a catch
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22 there fore I look like i do because I refuse to
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be like anyone says I should be or expects me to be.
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I try for true non-conformity."
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P.S.
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I'm also known for thinking too much and/or for my
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Philisophical Bullshit.!
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May The Circle Be Unbroken,
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Mentat M00se
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Of The U.B. Giga-Throng
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE-BATM00SE
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