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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #16| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Oct. 31, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Hello again! First of all, I must sincerely apologize about the delay. I
was incredibly busy here, and simply didn't get to putting out the issue.
Hopefully this will put me back on track.
This will be the last issue to go out with Kami's distribution system. The
constant change in the number and locations of chapters will make it very
difficult for him to create a lasting system, and we now have a new
alternative. The Anachronist talked to his Sysop (or equivalent), and though
he was unable to get an actual listserv list for us (apparently, they don't
think we're educational), he was able to learn how a normal person may use a
listserv for distribution. So when I have the next issue ready, I'll send it
to him, he'll send it and a command file to his listserv, and it will send the
issue to the chapters. I don't know if the listserv will somehow moderate the
congestion this can cause, but it's by their rules, so we can't get in trouble
for it.
Also, I have just received requests from several people for M00se.Info. By
next issue, we can expect these people to be m00ses, and we'll start discussing
the megathr0ng-a-thon.
That's enough for now, have fun!
Pickle.
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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<< This report from Wolverine and Half-Elf. >>
A recent Thr0ng-A-Th0n took place in Boston, Mass, where members of the
Lansing, Syracuse, and Boston Thr0ngs all met for a weekend in Boston,
highlighted by attending the King Richard's Faire. Also, there were lots of
unofficial SABRE SIGHTINGS all weekend long, though we can't really prove any
of them. Well, here is how it went:
Friday Night: At 7:00 pm, Half Elf and Wolverine of the Lansing thr0ng met up
in Syracuse with Niniane and Guardian Angel of that thr0ng. After loading up
GA's car, we headed off for a long drive to Boston. The ride itself was fairly
uneventful, except for lots of general silliness in the car. (And some rather
poor singing in Wolverine's part.) Arrived in Boston, and then discovered that
the directions Sabre gave us to get to his apt were SCREWED UP. So we ended up
circling several streets and had a minor run in with an adamantium-armored cab.
Amazingly, the cab driver spoke English and was polite. Recovering from his
politeness, we got back in the car and began trying to find Sabre's domain.
After some more circling, we finally found it and entered, rather tired
considering it was about 2:30 am or so. There we unofficially met Sabre and
his room mates Robin and Andy (rorschach). Went to bed.
Saturday: Woke up to some lovely drizzle, and decided to wander down-town
Boston. Had lots of fun visiting all of the places Sabre has been promising
to show us "if you ever are in Boston." Also got some minor repairs done on the
car. Later that afternoon, we met up with Paladin (P-Word!!!) and some others,
and went back into town, where we saw lots of neat stuff. (Pretty neat
balloon-blowing mime, and THE greatest ice cream shop in the World!) Lots of
innuendoes flying around all day, as usual, and I, Wolverine, spent a great
deal of time blushing. (Still not quite as badly as Paladin though...we
tortured him on the trolley...hee hee hee...)
Sunday: Ren Faire at King Richard's!!! At 9:15 am, three car loads of us
(all in costume, of course!) headed off, a bit bleary-eyed but ready for one
hell of a good time. And we only got lost once along the way, and that wasn't
that bad at all. (Stopped at a Mom-and-Pop store for directions...should have
seen the people in the parking lot when everyone started piling out of cars in
cloaks and boots and swords and other period-type garb.) Arrived at the Faire a
bit before opening, and watched the entertainment that was going on. (Appeared
the Queen's diary had been stolen, containing some rather scandalous
information....)
Once on the grounds, we all split up for a bit, everyone going their
separate ways for a bit. (GA and Wolv went to check out the armories...and the
wenches. More on that later.) Some folks like Robin, Niniane and Half Elf got
their faces painted (very nice designs), and lord knows what some others did.
'Twas a slightly chilly day, or so everyone says. [I had a nice wool cloak
on...nice and warm.] We all met together for the first joust of the day, and
stood in the bad guy's section. [Long Live Sir Steven! 'What makes the grass
grow strong and tall?' BLOOD BLOOD BLOOD!!!!] We won the early contest, and
the joust ended with Sir Thomas [the wimp] whining that Sir Steven didn't fight
fair, and he laid down a challenge for a joust later in the day to the death.
Once again, everyone split up a bit. Several of us went to see the Elves
at one of the stands, and after a bit, GA and I went back to the Gypsy Camp.
[More on that later...get the impression that there was something Wolvie liked
at the gypsy camp??? Read on.] We all got asked lots of questions by other
guests, as most of them were dressed as mundanes and thought we were all part
of the group. While at Excalibur, Wolv tried purchasing a young Dryad that was
up for auction, but Nin stopped him. "You can rape all the wenches you want,
but you can't eat any of the children!" was a phrase heard often that day.
Watched a dance performance put on by the gypsies, which was rather
interesting. [and suggestive..poor Paladin blushed mighty heavily.]
Other highlights were the Singing Executioners ["Well the place is really
jumpin' and the bodies are a-thumpin' at the Block!"], lots of really neat
shops and stands, wandering minstrels and actors, various performances, and of
course, the final joust of the day, where Sir Thomas defeated Sir Steven. [He
cheated..he carried a loaded horse! Anyway, Sir Thomas wets his armor, that
no good English wiper of other people's bottoms!] After the joust, we headed
back to the gypsy camp one last time. I shall now hand the keyboard over to
Half Elf, who will relate the incidents that occurred, while I go sit in the
corner and blush.
**************************************************************
As well he should blush.....Yes folks, my dear bigBro found a *very*
interesting gypsy in their camp area and convinced her to deposit his sodalite
crystal where no crystal has ever gone before......off the shoulder blouses can
be **SO** handy... And the fun did not stop there, she also willingly blessed
him with numerous kisses to thank him for the privelage of sporting his
sodalite in her cleavage (are you blushing yet Paladin?).
Upon hearing of this incident, both Niniane and I [Half-Elf] declared that
we must meet this fair maid that had so entertained our brother......Wolv
obliged by introducing us at the end of the day in combination with his bidding
her adiue...This lead to more, umm, lip smacking, amazing dips and a token of
the fair maiden's fondness for our favorite Trelf....We are unsure where this
is at the moment altough rumor has it that he keeps it close at hand. At the
time of this report, Wolv continues to wander about with a self-satisfied,
half-grin on his face, occasionally walking into objects, but doing no major
harm to himself (our furniture is another story however...lovesick trolls...
:-)).
Now, gentle readers, I must let you know that I do not usually relay tales
of kiss and tell, but this is Wolv's penance for other events which occured at
the Faire which will be related by the same post-haste.
**************************************************************
Ah, well, Wolv back here...wasn't that interesting, eh folks? Penance,
you ask? Well, after I had placed my bid for the Dryad, we all got to talking
with the elves at the booth there. At one point the little elf here got
confused by the person who ran the booth, thinking he wanted to buy me for
dinner. It was then stated that this was not so, but that he wanted to take
Half Elf TO dinner. There was then a great deal of talk about BUYING Half Elf,
or at least some of her favors. Sabre was challenged to an arm wrestling match
by one of the smaller elves, with the prize being to kiss Half Elf. Sabre
easily defeated his opponent and collected his prize.
The owner of the booth declared that he wanted a try at the prize, and
challenged me, her BigBro, to a match. Now, being the large troll that I am
(and somewhat confident in my strength), I took his challenge happily, with the
condition that should I win, I would recieve a similar prize from one of his
women. Well, he was rather strong, and his women were rather beastly, and I
lost the match. He then offered Sabre a chance at redemption, with a
double-or-nothing wager, which Sabre promptly accepted and lost. So, as the two
of us bashed our selves on the heads for failing Half Elf, the owner collected
the prize. (And I must say that Half Elf really didn't seem to resist the idea
all that much... needle needle needle.....*grin*)
Monday: We were supposed to leave to go back to New York this day, but as the
car needed some more work due to our meeting the cab on Friday, and no body
shops were open because it was Columbus Day, our vacation was extended an extra
day. Once again wandered Boston some more, visiting such places as the Trident
Book Store, a pet shop, and other neat places. And that night, four brave
souls, Half Elf, Sabre, Wolverine and Robin set out on.....THE QUEST FOR
PARMESAN CHEESE!
Few people know that Parmesan cheese is the most rare substance in Boston.
We searched for TWO HOURS looking for Parmesan cheese. We started getting
delirious, yelling at cars for cheese, yelling at apartments for cheese, even
asking one shop owner if they had any goats we could buy to make the cheese
ourselves. Finally we settled for canned Kraft Pseudo-Parmesan cheese. Now, I
can hear you asking "Why did they need Parmesan cheese?" For Fettucini
Alfredo, of course! You see, Wolverine's are part Italian, and make on hell of
a Fettucini Alfredo. [Also, it is an inexpensive way to feed seven people who
were low on cash.]
Finally getting back at the house, we started making the Alfredo, and of
course the stove was an electric one, and poor at that, so it took over an
hour for the water to boil for the fettucini! We finally had dinner somewhere
around 9 p.m.
Tuesday: Finally got a place to do some work on the car. Stayed downtown for
a few hours, and finally headed back to our home towns. After a long car ride
we arrived at Syracuse, where Wolverine and Half Elf took another 1.5 hour
drive back to Lansing, their home thr0ng. Tired and cramped, yet satisfied
from a very fun vacation, they tossed their luggage into a corner, went to
their respective bedrooms, fell a sleep, and dreamed dreams typical of m00ses
returning home. [And no, those dreams don't include Annette Funicello rolling
in jello! That's sick, and I'm shocked at you for thinking of it!]
The End. [Until the Faire hits Sterling next summer...
I WANNA GO BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
- The above report compiled by Wolverine and Half Elf.
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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<< From Sean Blinn >>
The Tale of Young Danforth
(Plagiarised from the tale of Sir Robin, from Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
And so the members of the Class of 1969 of DePauw University went their separate
ways. Young Danforth went into the Indiana National Guard, accompanied by his
favourite minstrel.
Minstrel:
Bravely bold young Danforth
Rode forth from Huntington.
He was not afraid to die,
Oh, brave young Danforth.
He was not at all afraid
To be sent to Vietnam.
Brave, brave, brave
Brave young Danforth.
He was not in the least bit scared
To land at Cam Ranh Bay.
Or to fight the Viet Cong
In the Tet Offensive.
To leave his privileged home
And his wealthy family,
Who got him out of combat;
Brave young Danforth.
He stayed at home and he wrote press briefs,
And he stayed away from the Viet C.,
And he talked his way into legal school,
And he --
Danforth: I think that's enough music for now.
Suddenly, in front of young Danforth, a monster loomed: the dreaded Draft
Notice! For several seconds, our hero wondered what to do. Then, suddenly, he
decided!
Minstrel:
Brave young Danforth ran away.
Danforth: No!
Minstrel:
Bravely ran away, away.
Danforth: I didn't!
Minstrel:
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave young Danforth turned about,
And gallantly he chickened out...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< And now, M00se Illuminati Press presents... >>
Mike's Saturday Morning
A normal story by Nathan Irwin
One Saturday morning, Mike James woke up, as he often did on
Saturday mornings. This was not unusual. As soon as he woke up, he
became conscious of the sun shining into his room through his window and
of the birds chirping outside. Since this this story is set in the late
spring, this was not unusual, either. However, Mike also noticed that it
was 9:00 am, which was unusual, since Mike normally slept in until
11:00 am, at least on Saturdays.
Taking all these things into consideration, Mike decided that, thus
far, two things about this day were perfectly normal, and one thing was
not. Looking at the overall picture of things, Mike concluded that this
was basically a normal day.
He couldn't have been more wrong.
Having decided that this was a normal Sturday morning, Mike decided
that he would take a shower. This, too, was quite normal. Even for a
Saturday. However, as he was walking to the bathroom, he heard a loud,
high-pitched noise coming from downstairs. This was definitely unusual,
especially on a Saturdy. Since he was still only half awake, it took
Mike a full minute to realize that this high-pitched noise was his mother
screaming at the top of her lungs. Screaming at the top of her lungs was
not something to which Mike's mother was accustomed.
It was, in fact, so unusual that Mike decided it would be best to go
downstairs and see what unusual circumstances could be causing his mother
to behave in such a peculiar manner on this Saturday morning in late
spring. However, as he began to go down the stairs, the screaming
suddenly stopped. Mike concluded that, since his mother had halted her
unusual activity, everything must be back to normal. He also concluded
that, if everything was back to normal, he could continue with his
shower. Hearing no objections, he did so.
After finishing his shower, Mike dried himself off and put on some
clothes. This was not, in and of itself, unusual. Having done so, he
went downstairs. He then proceeded to enter the kitchen, which was
another thing which happened to not be unusual. In fact, it was
something he did quite often, even on Saturdays.
However, Mike was quite surprised by what he saw in the kitchen.
For Mike's mother was lying prone on the kitchen table, with blood, gore,
and various green stuff spewing out of her body, and dripping all over
the table. And the floor. And into a bowl of Cheerios on the table.
The flow of this muck was facilitated by a hole in her abdomen, about the
size of a basketball.
Mike, by the way, was an excellent basketball player. His father
hoped that Mike would go to college on a basketball scholarship and, one
day, play professional basketball.
This, of course, is totally irrelevant.
Mike was, of course, very upset. After all, his mother appeared to
be quite dead, and seeing your mother dead is an upsetting experience for
anyone. Not to mention, quite unusual. Even on a Saturday, when unusual
things are extremely likely to happen. At least, in this story. Of
course, it wasn't his mother's death that upset Mike so terribly much, it
was her creating an awful mess all over the kitchen. And dripping on his
breakfast. Rendering it quite inedible. Even on a Saturday.
Then, Mike took a look around the room, and noticed a strange object
in the far corner. Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be a basket-
ball. Mike's basketball. Covered with the same blood and muck that was
seeping out of his mother's carcass in smaller and smaller quantities.
Mike was, as I have already stated, a fairly good basketball player.
I suppose I should mention that Mike presumed that his mother was
quite dead. She wasn't. In fact, she lived a few more hours. In
excrutiating pain, I might add. As if soeone had pushed a basketball
completely through her body. Which, apparently, someone had. But,
anyway, she died. Eventually.
Mike, of course, was quite traumatized by the whole thing. He
never could eat Cheerios after that.
Oddly, that day, Mike gave up basketball for good. You see, after
that day, he found basketball incredibly boring. He was, however, quite
interested by the muck and gore that he had seen oozing out of his
mother. In fact, he found it fascinating. He even kept a sample in jar,
in his room. He went on to study anatomy and learn all about those
little things in the human body. Many of which, he had seen in his
mother. He went on to become a brilliant, albeit eccentric, surgeon. He
even performed the world's first intestine transplant.
And lived happily ever after.
Even on Saturdays.
That, of course, is totally irrelevant.
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*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
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<< More for the M00se Illuminati dictionary, pilfered by Wolverine. >>
Well folks, here's more from that wonderful tome of knowledge and
all-around m00seiness, "The Complete Discordian M00semas Celebration Handbook"
by Andalusia the Heretic.
M00sletoe -- Sacred plant which grows on m00ses, once part of ancient rites
involving wonderful orgies (see 'M00zola Party'), now reduced to the
tradition that you must kiss any m00se upon which it is growing.
M00swich -- Velveeta, mayo, and a m00se between two slices of Wonder bread;
also any Witch Initiated into the M00steries of Bullwinkle.
M00siah -- Spiritual leader whose coming was prohpesied in the Old M00stament;
at M00semas celebrations, the glad cry rings out, "The M00siah
comes! (and comes, and comes, and comes, and comes....)"
M00slim -- A Middle Eastern sect of the M00steries, whose adherents believe
that "There is but One M00se, and Bullwinkle is His Name." They
worship in temples called m00sques.
M00seltov! -- A traditional cry of blessing and congratulations, called out to
anyone seen in public in the company of a m00se.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<< And now, a quote from Bard. >>
`When in Danger or in Doubt
Run in Circles, Bl00p and Shout'
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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As previously stated, an updated list will be mailed after this issue.
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