364 lines
19 KiB
Plaintext
364 lines
19 KiB
Plaintext
_ /\ _ _ /\ _
|
|
/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
|
|
\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
|
|
/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
|
|
/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
|
|
/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
|
|
|
|
DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
|
|
D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
|
|
D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
|
|
D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
|
|
DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
|
|
|
|
A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
|
|
M00SE ILLUMINATI
|
|
|
|
Issue #13| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 19, 1988
|
|
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
|
|
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
|
|
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
|
|
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
|
|
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
|
|
================================================================================
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Issue #13! Greetings all. Again, a fine issue, ready for your perusal.
|
|
My project to build my own Spiculum and rule the world is still in the R&D
|
|
stages; I'll keep you posted. One thing before I let you read the rest
|
|
of the issue: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact me about distribution! We're
|
|
getting no cooperation, and it's real hard to put together the list....
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
<< DANGER! Got this from Fiben... >>
|
|
|
|
Pickle, I found this in the Philadelphia Inquirer and I feel that
|
|
all M00SES must be informed with the following warning.
|
|
|
|
BEWARE OF THE FRENCH !!!!!
|
|
|
|
"There are big problems on Route 201 in Maine,
|
|
big problems.
|
|
A 50-Mile strech between Bingham and the Canadian
|
|
Border is called "M00SE Alley" because all to often,
|
|
M00SE meets car and things get ugly.
|
|
The problem caught the attention of the bureaucrats
|
|
with the state Department of Transportation who decided
|
|
to take corrective action.
|
|
Bureaucrats can be quite creative with corrective action.
|
|
They decided to put up some M00SE warning signs along
|
|
the road.
|
|
To appreciate the signs one has to take in to account who
|
|
typically get involved in M00SE accidents besides M00SE.
|
|
Game Wardens estimates that 98% of the M00SE/Car crashes
|
|
involve French-Canadians who naturally speak French.
|
|
The signs are in English.
|
|
Fiben
|
|
|
|
|
|
I would like to claim
|
|
responsibility for those signs. I knew it would cause great confusion
|
|
if all the signs were in English, and end up causing a lot of anarchy,
|
|
so I did it. (That's the REAL reason why I moved north..to be closer
|
|
to my target) Just wait til you see what I have planned for Central
|
|
New York State!!!
|
|
*maniacal laughter*
|
|
Wolverine
|
|
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-***
|
|
--- ---------- -- ----- -----
|
|
|
|
|
|
Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs
|
|
being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations
|
|
acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading
|
|
these episodes are not the responsibility of the author.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Welcome to Gothopolis, a hustling, bustling city full of all kinds
|
|
of folks, including mild mannered reporter Mark Kent of _The_Daily_Gonad_,
|
|
also secretly know as Superm00se, doer of good deeds, righter of wrongs,
|
|
Champion of all oppressed m00ses everywhere, and occasional window-washer
|
|
(the super-hero business does slow down every now and then, and those sky
|
|
scrapers are so TALL.)
|
|
|
|
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
|
|
|
|
"Mark, get in here!" bellowed Cherri Reddings. Cherri was the Editor
|
|
in Chief of _The_Daily_Gonad_ and was a sight to behold indeed. Tall and
|
|
voluptuous, ex playboy centerfold turned EiC, with tumbling locks of flaming
|
|
red hair.
|
|
Mark rushed in, out of breath. Mark had a crush on Cherri but was
|
|
too mild mannered to make a pass at his boss. "Yes Cherri?"
|
|
"Mark, I want you to get on this terrorist story. I'm taking Lou
|
|
off it and giving it to you. Here's two plane tickets. Take Biminy with
|
|
you. You're leaving for Kansas City in three hours."
|
|
"Kansas City? What kind of terrorist crisis is there in Kansas
|
|
City?"
|
|
"Mark, you numskull, don't you read the paper? Seven kids have
|
|
taken their high school principal hostage and are threatening to blow up
|
|
the city with a home made atom bomb if their parents won't increase their
|
|
allowances and let them watch David Letterman."
|
|
"All that to get an allowance raise and permission to watch David
|
|
Letterman?"
|
|
"Yeah. They want an allowance raise of several million dollars
|
|
and want to watch Letterman via satellite in the Bahamas."
|
|
"Oh."
|
|
"Mark, you idiot, get going, and don't forget Biminy."
|
|
"Yes Cherri." Mark walked out, in a slight daze. Gosh, he loved
|
|
it when Cherri got mad at him. She was SO pretty when she was mad.
|
|
Biminy was _The_Daily_Gonad_ 's best photographer. His real name
|
|
was Johnanthan Robert James Edward Peter Joseph Harold Paul Parker Oppenheimer,
|
|
but since every one had trouble remembering it all, they just called him
|
|
Biminy, since that was where he came from. Poor Lou. Lou would be so upset.
|
|
Lou was Louis Street, and was the best reporter the paper had until Mark
|
|
was hired last year.
|
|
|
|
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
|
|
|
|
Mark and Biminy arrived mid-evening in Kansas City, and the crisis
|
|
had become even more tense. The children had made even more demands, wanting
|
|
two sex-slaves each, while the parents remained adamant that they were going
|
|
to get sent to bed without dinner and had further promised that television
|
|
privileges would be revoked for two weeks as well unless they stopped this
|
|
nonsense immediately and surrendered.
|
|
"Gosh Mark, this is so exciting!"
|
|
"I know Biminy. Just take some pictures. Make sure that they're
|
|
good ones. Get some of the parents, and a few of the principle's wife.
|
|
I'll get some statements from people."
|
|
Biminy went around, dutifully snapping pictures, while Mark approached
|
|
the chief of police. "Excuse me chief, Mark Kent of _The_Daily_Gonad_.
|
|
Could I get a statement."
|
|
"Mark who of the Daily what?"
|
|
"Mark Kent sir, _Daily_Gonad_. I was wondering if I could get a
|
|
statement."
|
|
"Yeah, sure. Five kids got their principal in there hostage. They
|
|
got an Atomic bomb. anything else?"
|
|
"How come you haven't called in the National Guard?"
|
|
"Because the governor doesn't see this as a serious threat. Spank
|
|
them, he sez, and they'll behave and go home and everything will be fine.
|
|
What we need is one of them super hero types, like Chipmunkman or something."
|
|
"Hmm... Thanks a lot chief."
|
|
"Stupid reporters.." muttered the chief, as Mark made his way to
|
|
someplace private. This was a job for Superm00se he thought, not a half
|
|
rate rodent face like Chipmunkman. Having made sure the rest-room was empty,
|
|
Mark uttered the fateful word. "Leviam00se."
|
|
Magically transformed, where Mark once stood there was now Superm00se,
|
|
replete in his pink tights and blue cape. "Well," thought Mark/Superm00se,
|
|
"This should be a cake walk. Four kids with a bomb. Easy."
|
|
Emerging from the rest-room, Superm00se arrived forthwith at the
|
|
scene.
|
|
"Evening chief. Heard you needed a super-hero. What can I do for
|
|
you." The cloying arrogance in Superm00se's voice was unmistakable.
|
|
A look of incredulity crossed the chief's face when he turned around
|
|
to see who was speaking to him.
|
|
"Who the fuck are you? Mickey Mouse or something." The chief was
|
|
clearly unimpressed.
|
|
"No. Tis merely I, Superm00se, champion of all m00sekind and oppressed
|
|
non m00ses."
|
|
Great, thought the chief. Just what I need. A loony psychopath
|
|
loose in a pair of tights.
|
|
"Listen Pal, I don't know where you got the hokey get up, but why
|
|
don't you give it a break and go home to the wife and kids. This is a dangerous
|
|
situation we got here and we don't need no crazy kooks who think they've got
|
|
super powers running around. Get lost."
|
|
This man was obviously in need of an education. How dare he treat
|
|
the mighty and righteous Superm00se in such fashion. We'll, I'll show him.
|
|
Flexing his mighty m00se muscles, Superm00se leaped forth at moderate
|
|
speed and slammed into the brick wall making a nice impression, but otherwise
|
|
failing to crash through. Great display of m00sieness, Superm00se thought
|
|
to himself. Guess I'll just have to use the door.
|
|
In the meantime, several officers were taken to the hospital for
|
|
treatment of severe hyperventilation from extreme fits of laughter.
|
|
|
|
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
|
|
|
|
It was dark inside the school, but it did not bother Superm00se,
|
|
as he merely used his enhanced m00se-ray vision to probe the murky halls.
|
|
Moving about, Superm00se located the students in the teacher's lounge. His
|
|
super-m00sey hearing brought him startling sounds
|
|
"And now from our home office in Scottsdale, Arizona, here's tonight's
|
|
top ten list. Tonight's list is the Ten most improbable Super heroes in
|
|
Kansas City. (drum roll) Number ten: Sweat-sock Man. Number nine: Faded
|
|
Denim Blues Man. Number eight: Tastey-Cake Girl. Number seven: Kansas
|
|
City Chiefs Football team. Number six: Hair-Spray Woman. Number five: Coffee
|
|
Man. Number four: Cheezewhiz Lad. Number three: Bill Bixby. Number two:
|
|
Jake & Elwood. And number one (faster drum roll and a cymbal crash):
|
|
Superm00se."
|
|
Good God! What fiendish deviltry was David Letterman working now?
|
|
And how was it half past midnight when it was only mid-evening several
|
|
paragraphs ago? Superm00se needs answers, and needs them now.
|
|
Once again flexing his mighty m00se muscles, Superm00se crashed
|
|
into the door to the teacher's lounge and enjoyed much more success than
|
|
with the brick wall. However...
|
|
"greetings Superm00se, we've been expecting you. Won't you come
|
|
in and sit down?"
|
|
Holy M00se! How could this be? In with these innocent children
|
|
sat one of the foulest scourges of m00se-kind in existence. DORITO-BREATH
|
|
MAN!!! (insert chintzy suspense music here.)
|
|
"Oh come now, Superm00se, do sit down. Let's have a nice little
|
|
chat. I take you're here to negotiate the principle's release?" Dorito-Breath
|
|
man sputtered out in-between handfuls of doritos and swigs of his drink.
|
|
"No, I think not you foul villain. I'm here to take you in and
|
|
free the principle and set these children straight." said Superm00se, wrinkling
|
|
his large m00sey nose at the terrible reek Dorito-Breath man was emitting.
|
|
"Oh you have, have you? Well, think again m00se brain!" exclaimed
|
|
Dorito-Breath Man has he gave a mighty exhale in Superm00se's general
|
|
direction. Superm00se took one whiff and went out like a light.
|
|
|
|
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
|
|
|
|
"OOohhhhh......" moaned Superm00se, as he came to. What was on
|
|
Dorito-Breath Man's breath to put him out like that. It gave new definition
|
|
to chronic halitosis. Phew!
|
|
"Ah, sleeping beauty awakes. I see you like my new Limburger doritos
|
|
Superm00se. Fiendish, aren't they? Took my head chef nearly a year to
|
|
come up with them." Dorito-Breath Man gloated over Superm00se, carelessly
|
|
holding a bottle of Caffeine Free Diet Coke in one of his hands.
|
|
No wonder I blacked out, Superm00se mused to himself. Half the
|
|
ingredients to m00se-ite and the fool didn't even know it. I'll just have
|
|
to humor him for a while.
|
|
"Well, Simperm00se, I'd like to stay and watch your demise, but
|
|
I have to be going. Just to let you know how you'll die, pay attention.
|
|
When all the sand in that hour glass drains out, the ball will tighten the
|
|
cord that will start the motors on the cranks. The cranks will tighten
|
|
the Titanium Steel Alloy cables wrapped around you until you're crushed
|
|
like an egg. Ha Ha ha ha ah ha haaa (maniacal laughter)." Cackled Dorito-
|
|
Breath Man as he left the boiler room. Looking at the hour glass, Superm00se
|
|
figured he had maybe five minutes to escape from this one.
|
|
|
|
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
|
|
|
|
Well, It certainly looks bleak for our hero. He's in a real tight
|
|
spot. Tune in next week, same m00se channel, same m00se time.
|
|
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
<< Continuing Beez's random babbling until he comes up with those stories... >>
|
|
|
|
The Sauve Lady's Men in Dry Clothing Assn. printed da 1st issue of 'Sauve
|
|
Lady's Men in Dry Clothing' this Tuesday. The leader of SLaMeD ClAss (???)
|
|
was happy about the first issue, but was disappointed about the circulation
|
|
which is currently at 2. He also stressed that the fact that the other member
|
|
was female, that he may have to change the name to Sauve Lady's Man in Dry
|
|
Clothing. This shouldn't deter any women from joining the organization and
|
|
maybe a sister organization could be created. (Debutants You Kan't Escape--
|
|
DYKES [just joking...just joking!!]
|
|
|
|
I checked the Syracuse Library (you know the one..it gets shorter every year)
|
|
for any books on M00sian Geometry, M00sian Physics and M00sian Martial arts..
|
|
Does anyone know anything about these or where I can find books? (actually this
|
|
is meant to spar one of you to write on the subjects, which would give me some
|
|
ideas to write on) The closest thing I could find is a book on Zen and the art
|
|
of M00se maintance. Thank you for all your help.
|
|
|
|
Mr. Ed is not a M00se. Wayne Newton is not a M00se. Julia Child is not a M00se.
|
|
Donna Reed is reported to not be a M00se. I hope this clears things up.
|
|
|
|
Beez 'Jimmy Olsen's best pal' Beeler
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
<< This from new m00se Spaceman Biff >>
|
|
|
|
Jeez guys, I made it!!! Bloooop!
|
|
|
|
Thanks for my induction to m00sehood; I look forward to
|
|
my continued and active involvement. (The fiction and fancies in
|
|
issue 11, having to do with Sat. A.M. physics and Star Trek, and the
|
|
AT&T memo (see figure 1), came to me from a buddy in Berzerkeley, who
|
|
got 'em from a pal in Wisconsin, etc., and I forwarded them to my
|
|
m00sepapa, wolverine, and the rest is history...)
|
|
|
|
There are, however, two corrections I feel I must make:
|
|
|
|
1: The nick is Spaceman Biff (two effs, thank you),
|
|
or just Biff for short, and
|
|
|
|
2: My last name is ZEMANIAN, not ZEMANINA; the latter
|
|
form will only cause your e-mail to be returned
|
|
poste haste (sorry, my keyboard doesn't do italics
|
|
or underlines. If you're a TeXhacker, you may assume
|
|
there to be an \it command just before the line two
|
|
oops, three lines above this one. \rm) and I won't get
|
|
my 'droppings.
|
|
|
|
|
|
That, in a nutshell, is my statement upon induction, and you
|
|
will most definitely be hearing more from me later. Consider yourself
|
|
warned.
|
|
(Spaceman Biff)
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
<< Here we have a few unconfirmed Sabre sightings. First, I must say that
|
|
I *MAY* have seen Sabre in my room this evening, where he mentioned that
|
|
Niniane could blow up my ship. Well. That's why I've got me 8 g's of thrust,
|
|
and shields to get away. >>
|
|
|
|
The was a confirmed Sabre-sighting on 9/19/88 by the one and only
|
|
GypsyLynx....right before he was once again kidnapped by the bookstore
|
|
slavers....rumors have it that he *might* actually show his face at
|
|
a miniature thr0ng-a-th0n in Siberacuse this weekend!
|
|
|
|
GypsyLynx
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
Quote found scrawled on wall in Amherst,
|
|
|
|
"The best way to deal with an elevator full of hair girls
|
|
is to throw in a lighted match and run like hell!!!!!"
|
|
|
|
--Sabre (or so it claimed)
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
Fellow M00ses,
|
|
Thank you for helping me in my search for Sabre! And yes, he is
|
|
in fact free! I received a telephone communique from him this past
|
|
weekend, and while at first I thought it was going to be a ransom
|
|
call from his captors, it turned out he was enslaved by an
|
|
institution of another type: The Boston U. Bookstore. Plans are
|
|
underway to organize a store-break. So thank you all for aiding
|
|
in my search. Oh, and by the way, does anyone know the phone
|
|
number for Abbott's Dairy Products Inc.?? I have to call them and
|
|
cancel the ads on all those milk cartons.....
|
|
|
|
Wolverine/Trelf
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Please add:
|
|
|
|
Hartford thr0ng MELINOSKI @ HARTFORD Slick Jones
|
|
ROSSI @ HARTFORD Loki
|
|
|
|
U of Vermont chapter DZUCKER @ UVMVM dzucker
|
|
|
|
Saunacuse thr0ng RETANTS @ SUNRISE Scamp
|
|
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|
|
|
Please remove:
|
|
|
|
Saunacuse thr0ng MMAUSTIN @ SUNRISE Scamp
|