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575 lines
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
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\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
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/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
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/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
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/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
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DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
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D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
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D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
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D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
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DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
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M00SE ILLUMINATI
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Issue #11| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Sep. 9, 1988
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---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
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the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
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Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
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way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
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as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
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===============================================================================
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Hello all. As this issue is quite large, I won't include my own
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editorial. Also, I haven't written one yet. However, the material in this
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issue is (if I may say so) very good, and gives me hope that M00se Droppings
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will not die due to a lack of submissions after all.
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<< First, a lost-and-found notice....... >>
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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" "
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" Place "
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" Photograph "
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" Here "
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" "
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===========================================
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Have you seen this lost M00se? His name is Sabre (aka Eric Burns) and
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he has been missing from the Net for some days now. Suspicion has it
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that he has been captured by the Brotherhood of Evil Relayers. If you
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see him, please notify Wolverine at B45J@CORNELLA with info. There is a
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reward. We now take you back to your regularly scheduled program.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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<< We also have the following letter from Lord Rassilon: >>
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Here at Wesleyan, the socially-conscious and politically-liberal
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are beginning to continue their activities toward Divistment.
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Any information you could furnish about the situation at your
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own colleges would be helpful.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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<< THIS one speaks for itself. Please send some reader response, because
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the author does not wish to write episode 2 if everyone hates episode 1. >>
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***-> The Adventures of Super-M00se <-***
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--- ---------- -- ----- -----
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by CHAOS Engineer
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Forward- All that follows is pure fiction and fallacy, with most rip-offs
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being done on purpose. All puns on purpose and all violations
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acknowledged. Any resultant health problems due to reading
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these episodes are not the responsibility of the author.
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Prelude:
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In a forest in Maine, amongst the depths of the tall stands of
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pine there was a m00se couple. Not just any m00se couple, mind you. They
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had recently just escaped from the evil clutches of the U.S. Government,
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after being subject to weird experiments beyond all description. Mrs m00se
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was currently in the throes of labour, giving birth to her and Mr. m00se's
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first child. It was a momentous event indeed. Soon, the proud couple stood
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over their son, but it was obvious that he was not an ordinary m00se.
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"Somehow dear, I just don't think our son is a normal m00se. He
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looks so much like those men we escaped from."
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"You're right, love, but dammit, I just gave birth to the tyke,
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and he is our child, no matter what."
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"But we can't raise him here. We lack the facilities to raise him
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as a proper m00se. We have no choice but to see to it that he receives
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an education."
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Filled with remorse, Mrs. m00se acknowledged the wisdom of her husband.
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Taking the picnic basket they had found on their way here, the m00se couple
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put their first born in it, and headed off to the ranger station, filled
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with remorse, but buoyed ever so slightly by the knowledge that they were
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doing the correct thing.
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%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
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Ranger Bob Was awakened early that morning by a wailing outside
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his door. What in the name of tarnation could it be, he wondered. Stuffing
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his feet into his slippers and pulling on his robe, Ranger Bob went to his
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door to investigate, when what did he see but a picnic basket on his stoop
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with a small babe in it. "What in tarnation's name!" he exclaimed, as he
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bent over to pick up the basket, and taking it inside out of the cold morning
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air. Odd he thought, no note. Only m00se teeth marks on the basket's handle
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(Ranger Bob knew the marks to be m00se teeth marks, since he was indeed
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an expert on m00sey things.) Well, I guess I'll just raise him as my own,
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thought Ranger Bob.
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%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
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As the years wound by, Ranger Bob found out that his adopted son,
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Mark Kent (Ranger Bob's full name being Robert Clark Kent), was not an ordinary
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boy by any accounts. He grew fast, and was stronger than a normal boy.
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Ranger Bob knew that someday he would have to reveal to Mark his mysterious
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background. After twenty some odd years had passed, and Mark had completed
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college, Ranger Bob sensed that it was now time to tell Mark of his background.
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"Mark."
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"Yes father"
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"I have something to tell you Mark. It concerns your past. I know
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that I have told you that you are my adopted son, but there is more. When
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I found you, you were on my stoop in a picnic basket that bore no identifying
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marks save m00se teeth marks on the handle. I knew these to be m00se teeth
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marks since I am an expert on m00sey things, and have passed the m00se lore
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onto you as well. Also I have noted that you are much stronger than a normal
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man your age, as you are aware. I suspect that you have a hidden past that
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neither of us are aware of. Thus, I believe that you should go into the woods
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and perform the sacred m00se dance that I taught you and seek to contact
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Leviam00se and learn your true origin."
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"You believe that this will be of use father?"
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"I do my son, since I am wise in the ways of m00sey things, as were
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my fathers before me, the sacred m00se lore passed down from generation to
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generation."
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%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
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Mark ventured out into the pines, taking with him the necessary
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items to complete the scared m00se dance. Walking a great distance, Mark
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eventually came to the copse his father had told him of. Clearing out the
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fire pit, Mark made ready to perform the dance. Make the fire in which
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to burn the dried m00se droppings incense. Paint the face in ritual way
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of the m00se. Ready, Mark danced and chanted, every so often tossing the
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incense into the fire. He felt the power in him rise, and began to feel
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light and heady. Soon, he was ready to meditate and complete the ritual
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to call upon Leviam00se.
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"Leviam00se." nothing
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"Leviam00se!" still nothing
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"LEVIAM00SE!" bellowed Mark, and he was rewarded. His vision hazed
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over, and cleared to the sight of the pyramid. Eleven tiered, with the
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single eye and the antlers. Leviam00se. Sitting in a large straight back
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chair at the foot of the pyramid was a tall man with the head of a m00se,
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the brown fur amply dosed with gray. Strange that Leviam00se should choose
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to manifest himself in this way.
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"Greetings, Mark, adopted son of Ranger Bob and child of Mr. and
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Mrs. m00se." Leviam00se spoke to mark in amazingly good english considering
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that the formation of his jaw structure should have made it impossible for
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him to do so.
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"Greetings O great and wise Leviam00se" replied Mark. "How is it
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that you speak such good english when your jaw structure should not allow
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you to do so."
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"It is a m00sey thing, Mark. You need not concern yourself with
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it. But, let us get to the point. You are here at the urgings of your
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adopted father to seek your past, so gaze now into the eye of the pyramid
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of Leviam00se, and let all be revealed." Mark watched raptly, as he saw
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his true mother and father being experimented on by scientists of the U.S.
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Government, doing horrible and perverse things to them, saw how they escaped
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to the woods where he was born, how he was taken to Ranger Bob to be raised
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and educated. The rest he knew, and the spectacle stopped.
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"Now Mark, let me continue. You are possessed of great powers,
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and must use them to combat the forces of anti-m00sey-ness. Henceforth,
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whenever you say my name, the full force of your abilities shall be unleashed,
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and the foes of Leviam00se shall tremble in fear at the powers of
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*********** SUPERM00SE ***********
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(for dramatic effect, please imagine that there is a blaring triumphant
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fan-fare/symphonic score in place here. Something like Beetohven's fifth
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would be appropriate.)
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say now my name, Mark, and feel your power and birth-right."
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Mark stood, feeling a bit perplexed and more than a bit awed at
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the immensity of it all, and spoke Leviam00se's name. "Leviam00se!"
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There was a sharp peal of thunder, and in Mark's place stood
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Superm00se, tall, strong, powerful. A man, tall, powerfully built, garbed
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in a very tacky pink suit with the pyramid symbol on the chest in fluorescent
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green, but most importantly, with a m00se's head, with a MAGNIFICENT set
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of antlers.
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"You are now Superm00se, Mark. You must now go forth and battle
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as the champion of m00se-kind and those non m00ses oppressed by evil-doers.
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You must however, ware well your one weakness. I call it m00se-ite, but
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that is not it's true name. It is the foul concoction with which your mother
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was injected before your birth. It is a mixture of caffeine free diet
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Coke, Illudium Pu-38, Vidal Sasson hair spray, and Limburger cheese, a foul
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and devious mixture if ever there was one. It will rob you of your m00sey
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abilities. I suggest you avoid holding heavy objects over your head if
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you run a good chance of being exposed to it."
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"You are very wise, O Leviam00se. It shall be as you say."
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"Go now Mark, and do my bidding." Mark's vision became obscured,
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and when it cleared, he once again found himself in the clearing, a man
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of normal appearance.
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%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
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Returning home, Mark was met by his father at the door. "How did
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it go son?"
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"I saw Leviam00se, and he did tell me what I must do, and he gave
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unto me my birth-right and full powers. I now know what I must do. I shall
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go to Gothopolis, and get a job with _The_Daily_Gonad_ as a mild mannered
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reporter. There, I will be able to do battle against those who would seek
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to harm and oppress m00se kind."
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"Why, that's a noble thing to do son. I wish you luck."
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********-> Next episode, watch as Mark goes to Gothopolis and gets a job
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and has his first encounter with the evil forces that oppose
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m00se kind.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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<< And now, for two rather hilarious contributions by Wolverine. I don't know
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where they come from originally. >>
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What with Tom Sellick appearing on Murder She Wrote, Jessica appearing
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on Magnum P.I., and characters from Dynasty and Dallas constantly
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getting cofused as to which set they should go to, have you ever
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wondered what would happen if this was followed to it's natural
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end? For example, suppose Captain James T. Kirk met the Roadrunner.
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This means, of course, that we must somehow integrate the Saturday
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Morning Laws of Physics into the Star Trek universe.
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i.e.: 1) Sentient creatures do not fall until they realize they are
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about to.
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2) Objects fall at a rate inversely proportional to their mass
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(otherwise known as "Anything falls faster than an anvil")
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Now, if we assume that this is an effect of the Road Runner, as opposed
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to some general joke of the universe (although, I admit I have never
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seen an anvil descending over Kirk's head while he was falling), then we
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can expect other effects, as well. Notably:
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1) Anything struck by a deadly weapon (presumably including phasers) is
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not killed, but merely singed and stunned (somehow "He's covered with
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soot, Jim" just doesn't carry, though).
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2) Crewmembers surprised by the Roadrunner jump much higher than gravity
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should allow.
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Now, the difficulty here is that there must be some reason for the
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encounter. Remembering that the Roadrunner is a fairly self-centered
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beast, the motivation for the episode must come from the Federation in
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some form. Let us suppose that the Enterprise is doing some sort of
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research mission to an unknown planet. I think the Captains Log would
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be worth a look:
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Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the
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Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet --- in advance of a
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full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable,
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but are recieving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am
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beaming down with a landing party composed of all our chief officers
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except for poor Scotty.
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Supplement: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently while
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exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a loud sound
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and jumping before being struck. After examination by Dr. McCoy he has
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been judged capable of continuing duty.
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Supplement: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet.
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While it does not itself seem menacing, a unfortunate occurance took
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place when it was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu
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withdrew his phaser. The creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke,
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immediately following which a loud noise was heard next to Sulu. Sulu
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fired, hitting Ens. Chekov. Oddly enough, although Sulu's weapon was
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set to stun, Chekov was also covered with a black powder similar to
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soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship for examination and
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quarantine.
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Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate that
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the creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed
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over the surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature once
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again. In an attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted to
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fire on it. The creature, however, appeared to move faster than the
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phaser beam. Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above
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the Captain's head, causing it to break off and fall. Although it
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appears that several tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was
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driven straight into the ground but apparently not seriously injured,
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though stunned. The Captain has been beamed up to Sickbay, leaving me
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in command of the research party.
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Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on the
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planet surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party I am
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currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our lab,
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for when the creature is finally apprehended.
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Captain's Log, stardate 54342.3. The strange occurences that have
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dogged the landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to
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believe that the creature is in some way directly responsible for them.
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Mr. Chekov and I have both been declared fit for return to duty, though
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Dr. McCoy has entered in his medical log that he feels we should be kept
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under observation. Mr. Spock has constructed a device which he suspects
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should be able to counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows:
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We have placed a dish of birdseed out in the open, with several signs
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pointing to it. The dish is atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which
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will open when any weight falls on it. The creature will then travel a
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slide, eventually being deposited in a cage constructed of sheets of
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transparent aluminum. We will then be free to analyze it at our
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leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down to the surface of
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the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order.
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Captain's Log, supplemental. The plan failed. The creature was indeed
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lured by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish, consumed the
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bait, and sped off without setting off the trap. Mr. Spock is as
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puzzled as I, and has begun tests to discover the flaw in the design. I
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have sent out three search parties to see if we can box the creature in,
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one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist
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Xontel.
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Captain's Log, stardate 54342.8. Sociologist Xontel has been
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temporarily incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men
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somehow managed to cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just
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as he completed the corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all
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four of my men were suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just
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before they fell into the cage we constructed. We are now trying to
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release them with phasers, as the lock was inadvertently smashed by the
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impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot as he fell. I consider this a
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major setback. Mr. Spock considers it "fascinating."
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Captain's Log, stardate 54343.4. In an all-out attempt to stop the
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creature once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from
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the Enterprise. The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning
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manner, yet I am unsure whether this is a sign of actual intelligence.
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Lt. Uhura has been unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet
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Command. Meanwhile, Mr. Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals
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are deteriorating at an alarming rate. He has juryrigged a system that
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will prevent the decay for a time, but it is imperative that we find new
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crystals soon.
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Captain's Log, supplemental. Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder
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readings from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet
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been sighted. He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the
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high-elevation spot from which the readings emanate. I have begun to
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analyze the creature's movements. It seems to travel consistently over
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a set path. Perhaps we can corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass
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through frequently.
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Captain's Log, stardate 54344.7. Mr. Sulu has located a cache of ACME
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dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting
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them, the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummetted
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several hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both
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survived the fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact,
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although they did pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up
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completely buried. A rescue excavation has commenced, and they should
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be safe shortly.
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Captain's Log, stardate 54344.9. Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship
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with them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he forsees
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compatability problems. Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekov led
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seven men into the tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in
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transit. A loud BEEP, BEEP was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle
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and commanded his men to spread out. I wish to state for the record
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that I would have acted similarly, and that Ensign Chekov should in no
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way be held responsible for the unfortunate circumstances arising from
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the unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style freight train. He has
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been beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries.
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Captain's Log, stardate 54345.1. Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo
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containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian
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concentrate, a theragram derivative, and some other items he found in
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unmarked containers in Sickbay. By injecting a small amount into each
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member of the landing party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature
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on its own high speed terms.
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Captain's Log, supplemental. The latest experiment to deal with the
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strange creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured dose
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of the compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud
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BEEP, BEEP! Dr. McCoy, understandably flustered, accidentally pressured
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in the entire contents of the hypo into his arm. A full security team
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is in pursuit of him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.
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Captain's Log, stardate 54345.2. I have ordered the landing party
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transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been
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successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to
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engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its
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semi-erratic course across the planet's surface.
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Captain's Log, supplemental. This is a warning to all other starships
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that may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical
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events occuring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If
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you have heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will
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learn that this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channelled full
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ship's power through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the creature
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should have been destroyed; however, the energies were too much strain
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for the ACME crystals. The full force of the phasers backlashed over
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the Enterprise, engulfing her completely. At first, the only noticeable
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effect was a complete failure of all systems save emergency gravity and
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life support. Then a web of black lines spread through the Enterprise's
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superstructure. Next, the ship began breaking up, piece by piece,
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falling through the atmosphere to land on the surface of the planet.
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When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was left hanging in space
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for a short time, and finally each of us began to fall to the planet
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below. We have no theories on how any of us survived, but every
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crewmember has reported nothing more than a sense of uneasiness,
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followed by the realization that they were several hundred miles up in
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|
the air, a sinking sensation, and then a gradual drop: first the feet,
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then the body, and finally the head, usually wearing a resigned
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expression of perplexion. We are attempting now to communicate with the
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creature in the hopes that it will prove intelligent. Perhaps we can
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communicate our peaceful intentions to it. Mr. Spock has constructed a
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crude rocket launcher from the wreckage of the ship, and with this we
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hope to send the recorder marker up into space, where hopefully someone
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will find it. Captain James T. Kirk, of the United Federation of
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Planets, Captain of the Starship Enterprise, recording.
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******* end message *******
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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AT&T Customer Service Memorandum
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Please stop submitting compliants. This is our system. We designed
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it, we built it, and we use it more than you do. If there are some
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features you think might be missing, if the system isn't as effective
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as you think it could be, TOUGH! Give it back, we don't need you.
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See figure 1.
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*-------------------------------*
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| _ |
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| | | |
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| | | |
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| .-.| |.-. |
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| .-| | | |.-. |
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| | | | ; |
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| \ ; |
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| \ ; |
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| | : |
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| | | |
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| | | |
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| |
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*-------------------------------*
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Figure 1.
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Forget about your silly problem, let's take a look at some of the
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features of your AT&T computer system.
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* Options
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We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you would need two
|
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strong people to carry around the documentation if we had bothered
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to write it. So many that even we don't know what most of them do.
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Don't ask us for any of these options, because we probably can't
|
|
find the PEC for it anyway. Even if we find the PEC, we probably
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can't order it either (just TRY asking for nroff on a 3B2). If you
|
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don't like it, call Technologies. They'll tell you to see Figure 1.
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* Hot Lines
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If you need technical help, call our hotline. You say that the guy
|
|
at the other end doesn't know any more than you do? Too bad. If we
|
|
could afford to pay qualified people to answer the phones, we'd be
|
|
paying them to make our computers work in the first place. Besides,
|
|
you don't ever need to do anything sophisticated anyway. If you do,
|
|
see Figure 1.
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|
|
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* Integrated Voice and Data
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|
|
What the hell is integrated voice and data? All it means is that
|
|
you can talk on the phone while you are typing on your terminal.
|
|
So what if the terminal and the phone aren't integrated; that's
|
|
not what we advertise. Besides, you probably can't even walk and
|
|
chew gum at the same time, much less talk and type. If you can,
|
|
see Figure 1.
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|
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* Unix
|
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|
|
We invented it; it's perfect, and we're the only ones who do it
|
|
right. We're so happy with it, we put it on every kind of computer
|
|
we make. We even try to keep it the same from release to release,
|
|
but usually we blow it. If you want a computer with stable file-
|
|
systems, get a VAX. Another thing: those nerds from Berkeley are
|
|
just troublemaking hackers who have a productivity complex. They
|
|
took our operating system and made it useful, so we told them to see
|
|
Figure 1.
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|
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* Applications Software
|
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We give you MS-word; what else do you want? So what if it is a
|
|
clumsy port from another operating system, it works doesn't it?
|
|
Well, OK, it sort of works. If you want applications software, get
|
|
an IBM PC. You can get lots of it and they even support it
|
|
sometimes. If you already bought one of our computers and are
|
|
unsatisfied, you're stuck with it. We spoke with our applications
|
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software people about this, and they think a lot like we do; they
|
|
said "see Figure 1."
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|
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* Shells
|
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|
|
We have two shells; one we sell and one we use. The Bourne shell is
|
|
plenty good for trivial little hacks, which is all you do anyway.
|
|
Don't ask for the Korn shell either. It's great, everybody at AT&T
|
|
has a copy, but we won't give it to you. Besides, if you want to do
|
|
anything important, write it in C. We told our shell programmers to
|
|
see Figure 1 a long time ago.
|
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|
|
|
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* The C Programming Language
|
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|
|
We like it so much we named a book after it. You can do anything
|
|
our machines can do, which is not very much. Where else can you
|
|
put so much unreadable code in such a small space? Besides, you
|
|
probably should be programming in the shell anyway; C is too hard
|
|
for you. We told our C programmers to see Figure 1 a long time
|
|
ago anyway.
|
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|
|
|
|
* Floating Point Hardware
|
|
|
|
We have the WE32106 Math Accelerator Unit, one of the fastest chips
|
|
around. It's so special that you need a special compiler to use it.
|
|
Nobody knows how to get you a copy of the compiler? That's right.
|
|
We don't release it because we are writing another one. When it's
|
|
ready, we might give it to you, but probably not. In the meantime,
|
|
you have to stick with the interpreter, live with the slowness, and
|
|
see Figure 1.
|
|
|
|
|
|
* Support
|
|
|
|
We have thousands of service people out there, but most of them are
|
|
busy. If your computer breaks, you will just have to wait. Our
|
|
techs are rehashed phone installers, so don't expect them to be very
|
|
helpful unless it involves tip and ring. Oh, if something breaks
|
|
between 5:00 PM and 9:00 the next morning, don't waste your time
|
|
calling us, we're out. We also take lots of lunch breaks. If you
|
|
need real support, see Figure 1.
|
|
|
|
|
|
In conclusion, stuff your complaint. Love your AT&T computer or
|
|
leave it, but don't bitch to us. We don't give a shit. We don't
|
|
have to. We're the phone company.
|
|
|
|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
|
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Add:
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|
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Wesleyan thr0ng LBURKA @ WESLEYAN Leather Goddess
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Change:
|
|
|
|
North Dakota State U. chapter UD140680 @ NDSUVM1 Nathan Irwin
|
|
to: The Anachronist
|
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|
The Penn State chapter is now a thr0ng!
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And until further notice, Guardian_A is reachable through GypsyLynx's account.
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