279 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
279 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
_____________________________________________________________________________
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---------------------------- I Bleed for This? ------------------------------
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------04.07.96-----------------------------------------------------#047------
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Cameo by S. Ratte'
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appreciated by IBFT
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[eye luv IBFT!@! That'z Y I wrotterzers this ph1le 4 themm. I hoppe 2 get
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lots' of 14 yrs. old girlies and $$$ whe|/| th1S ph1l3 becomes p0pular like
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some drugs. -S. Ratte']
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_____________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ _____________
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| ___________ _/_/ | | \ \ _/_/ ___________ |
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| | _/_/_____ | | > > _/_/_____ | |
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| | /________/ | | / / /________/ | |
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| | c o m m u n i c a t i o n s | |
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|____________________________________________________________________|
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...presents... Nocturnal Sundress
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by S. Ratte'
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04/01/1996-#311
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__///////\ -cDc- CULT OF THE DEAD COW -cDc- /\\\\\\\__
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\\\\\\\/ Everything You Need Since 1986 \///////
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___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___ _ _ ___
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|___heal_the_sick___raise_the_dead___cleanse_the_lepers___cast_out_demons___|
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I'm sitting on my folks' couch in the living room. .. I think
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I'll KILL myself by leaping out of this 14th STOREY WINDOW while
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reading ERICA JONG'S poetry!!
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It's 8:00am but I've been up all night. Feverish, from the mono.
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The couch is covered in dog hair. Mr and Mrs PED, can I borrow 26.7%
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of the RAYON TEXTILE production of the INDONESIAN archipelago?
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It smells like dog, but I smell worse.
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I sit hunched in a ball, scratching my bare knee, my plaid
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flannel boxers riding up my butt. "Nothing. Four thousand different
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MAGNATES, MOGULS & NABOBS are romping in my gothic solarium!!
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Nuttin'" I mutter, "Just wanted to drop a couple of quick notes and
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say Hi from Lubbock, which is where I'll be until the 11th. Texas is
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nice and warm, today was 60 degrees, and we took a trip to the other
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side of the Golden Alamo bridge and climbed all over the old military
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forts and bunkers that the US army fortified during WW][... It's all
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decomissioned now, and it's become a bit of a tourist attraction, with
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this amazing view of the city below (I'm gonna scan pictures of it
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when I get back. really nifty).... (Probably the most touristsy thing
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I've done since I was here, the rest of the time we've been wandering
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aimlessly.)
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I met a bunch of people from the Otaku Patrol Group (sorta like their
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version of the L0pht... lots of hacker / amateur radio types) and it's
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run by this maniac named Drunkfux. Extremely well organized, and
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lots of good talented technical people. They make the Boston hacker scene
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look like a bunch of kiddies. They were on NextStep (the Discovery Cable
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TV show) and they dressed the host in a EN shirt, leather jacket and lots
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of chains. (You know, the annoying guy from C-Net Central....)
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We're going to try to go to _so what_, an industrial club down here, and
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see how it is.. Maybe I'll actually get in with my crappy paper ID.
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If they buy it, i'll be amazed."
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I mutter. I mutter a lot. It doesn't matter what I'm saying. This is
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a NO-FRILLS flight -- hold th' CANADIAN BACON!! "No, see, there's
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like noooothing. None. None of that, no. I want you to organize my
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PASTRY trays... my TEA-TINS are gl eaming information like a ROW of
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DRUM MAJORETTES -- please don't be FURIOUS with me -- Nope. Nuh-uh."
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I speak slowly, mouthing the words to no one in my transplanted
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O-hi-o/Texas trans-axis lazy drawl. .. I see TOILET SEATS...
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I suddenly leap to my feet, waver a bit unsteadily as the blood
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rushes to and fro, spots getting their chance to show themselves in my
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head. Then they're chased off again as balances are made. "Gotta
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find it, check it out." I make my way to the "utility room" full of
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mingled cat-box stink and weird, exotic laundry chemicals beyond my
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Tide-level understanding of clothes washing. I am humbled.
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It's a simple old shotgun with a break-barrel. Single shot.
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Musta been made in the '50s at least, maybe earlier. It's old, but it
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works... I know that much. First, I'm going to give you all the
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ANSWERS to today's test.. So just plug in your SONY WALKMANS and
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relax!! That's good enough. Look behind the dryer, the washer.
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Nope. This PIZZA symbolizes my COMPLETE EMOTIONAL RECOVERY!!
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I giggle to myself. Out on the driveway. Just hose it down, no
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problem. I want to so HAPPY, the VEINS in my neck STAND OUT!!
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<sratte> msg godot he's so sweet. he has silku blonde hair, bright
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blue eyes, he's a little taller than me..maybe 5'8, smooth..fuckin
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nicest smile.
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> i got a coke
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<sratte> get mne one
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> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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<sratte> ge me coke
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<sratte> ge me coke
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<sratte> ge me coke
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<sratte> ge me coke
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<sratte> ge me coke
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<sratte> ge me coke
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<sratte> ge me coke
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<sratte> ge me coke
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<sratte> ge me coke
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<sratte> ge me coke
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<sratte> ge me coke
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<sratte> Farnon lets go
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<sratte> somewhere
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> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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<sratte> i'm fuckin with a faggot
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<sratte> it's so much fun annoyinh erm
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<sratte> rm
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<sratte> em
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> BAHAHAHHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
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<veggie> YOU PHAG#@!
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> what the FUCK was that?
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> nutir grain
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> yumy um
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> sratte you got some explaining to dfo
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<sratte> :)
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<sratte> hahaha
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<sratte> I told you read the above
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> sratte im ashamed
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<sratte> of what?
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> what would your dad say?
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<sratte> cant a person bash another person in peace?
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> then why did you try to scroll it off the screen ith "get me a coke"
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<sratte> why not?
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<sratte> you can always scroll up
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> yeh but youre not too bright
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IRC Log ended *** Thu Apr 27 14:53
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Funny, it used to be leaning against the wall behind the dryer, I
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swear. I'm getting frantic. I'm the biggest hypocrite in the world,
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talking about stupid this and stupid that, blah blah blah. .. I
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feel.. JUGULAR.. I've gotta fix things, set things right. The box
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of shells was up here in the little cabinet above the washer. Gotta
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clean TEXTILE production of the INDONESIAN archipelago?
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Seven months later.
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Eddy never left. He stayed. I built a special room for him in the
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basement, one with a super-wide door. I purchased a bed with a storng
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iron frame - and he stayed in that most of the time. The industrial scale
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I purchased and had in the garage weighed Eddy in at a whopping 1012
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pounds. His brother had also moved in, and was in the very next room.
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The two rooms were connected via a single door - equally as large as the
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main ones. Eddy's brother, Swampy had managed to get up to 1200 pounds,
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but had to come down because of his health. He was around 980. Both men
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didn't mind the fact that I would sit on their chest and jerk off on their
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faces as they ate and ate and ate.
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AND WE'RE DAMN PROUD OF IT T00, Y0U ST00PID FR00T L00P.
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It's a little green box with at least half-a-dozen shells in it. It
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was right here in the corner, by the Woolite. Gotta bring some
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justice to the world, Darwinism is a cool thing. FUN is never having
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to say you're SUSHI!!
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I like it. I got no problems with that. Where're those damn
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shells? Sacrifices must be made for the greater good. This MUST be a
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good party -- My RIB CAGE is being painfully pressed up against
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someone's MARTINI!!
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It's not by my battered metal Peanuts lunchbox (2nd grade vintage, I
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think) or the old ice trays either. I AM DISCIPLINED, I AM IN
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CONTROL, AND I AM RESPONSIBLE. Maybe that lunchbox is worth something
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to a collector? Huh. I want to kill everyone here with a cute
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colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!
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There are those lame "pencil holders" I made for my parents for
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Christmas one year: orange juice concentrate cans covered with red
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construction paper. Buncha shit. Fuckin' pile of fuckin' WORTHLESS
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SHIT. .. I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining
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I.Q. LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE! I'm spitting,
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I'm foaming and I'm stomping around now, 'cause I'm the baddest
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motherfucker on the planet but I can't find the damn shotgun and I
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can't find the damn shells TO FUCKING FIX THINGS RIGHT, GODDAMNIT.
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AND NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY PISS ME OFF MORE THAN TO NOT BE ABLE TO
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FUCKING FIX THINGS RIGHT, GODDAMNIT.
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I storm back to the hairy couch and slump down, arms crossed. ..
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I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!! Grab the remote control,
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stab a button. _CHiPs_ is on. His hands were big and dirty - they
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looked like they could never be the pink colour of skin again. To
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call this guy fat would be an understatement. He stood there, in his
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dark blue, dirty overalls wheezing, even though he wasn't doing
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anything strenuous. His hair was a little long, and the way he kept
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it, it looked like it was due for a trim. His faced puffed out from
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under his hair, down to a pudgy nose that was turned up at the end.
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His lips were big, and they dropped down to a chin that was hidden by
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fat, and doubled up under his jaw. His neck and shoulders were big -
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and they ballooned down to a barrel like chest. His belly was massive
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- it hung down far enough that it turned into a facade covering his
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hips and thighs. As customary with some big men, he didn't wear his
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pants over that overhanging belly - he wore them under, which pushed
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the massive gut up and out. His overalls showed the belly nicely -
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and they didn't fit too well as a result. If these overalls were a
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size 78, they were tight - anything less would look ridiculous on him.
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I sigh.
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"Y0 B1TCH! I WANT A FUKN QUADRO-P0UNDER W1TH N0 FUKN VEGETABULZ 0R SH1T
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THAT GR0WZ 0N TREEZ!"
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My parents must have hidden it. Maybe I didn't blink enough as I
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stared at the television while Kurt Loder on MTV endlessly droned on
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about some rock star blowing his head off. Who cares about that?
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What's that got to do with anything, with me? Nothing at all. Gee, I
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feel kind of LIGHT in the head now, knowing I can't make my satellite
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dish PAYMENTS! But that's not the point. Some people make a big deal
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out of everything.
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"They said on the news he was a heroin addict," Mom stated,
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disapproval in her voice. Those aren't WINOS--that's my JUGGLER, my
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AERIALIST, my SWORD SWALLOWER, and my LATEX NOVELTY SUPPLIER!! I
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don't do drugs, Mom. I'm a responsible, disciplined person. I just
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want to fix things right. I was born in a Hostess Cupcake factory
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before the sexual revolution! Goddamnit. I clean up after myself. I
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clean up easy...
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DETH IZ IMMINENT. THE EARTH MUZT DIE. MEAT EATERZ ARE THE MAJ0RITY
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AND WE'R FUKIN PISSED. GIVE US WHAT WE WANT 0R BE PREPARED T0 FACE THE
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WRATH.
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"what up? how was your weekend? hopefully, more sober than mine...hehehe.
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the rugby banquet was WILD....they put blindfolds on us and led us into
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the basement of plimpton. they gave beers and sprayed shaving cream and
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smashed eggs on us. after we took off our blindfolds, they made us drink
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more. we had our awards ceremony. i saw some impressive drinking. i
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don't remember too much more. swamp ratte', the s-side scrum-half,
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whipped out his slong and started pissing on jesse locke. jesse just
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stood there until someone told him. anyways, i left soon after. i heard
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that three people went to the hospital and that security showed up. sat.,
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we had to clean up which REALLY sucked....i'm glad i left early. the
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basement was absolutely foul. i worked outside. it was cold but better
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than smelling that shit. i was still hung over but i managed to get some
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work done. i wasn't up to going out though."
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I clean up easy. Out on the driveway. With a hose.
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.-. _ _ .-.
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/ \ .-. ((___)) .-. / \
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/ \ / \ .-. [ x x ] .-. / \ / \
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-/-------\-------/-----\-----/---\--\ /--/---\-----/-----\-------/-------\-
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/ \ / \ / `-(' ')-' \ / \ / \
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WORLDWIDE \ / `-' (U) `-' \ / WORLDWIDE
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`-' .ooM `-' _
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Oooo / ) __
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/)(\ ( \ Copyright (c)1996 cDc communications. / ( / \
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\__/ ) / All rights reserved. Award-winning CULT OF THE DEAD COW \ ) \)(/
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(_/ is published by cDc communications, P.O. Box 53011, oooO _
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oooO Lubbock, TX, 79453, US of A. Edited by Swamp Ratte'. __ ( \
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/ ) /)(\ / \ ) \
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\ ( \__/ Save yourself! Go outside! Do something! \)(/ ( /
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\_) "THE COW WALKS AMONGST US" Oooo
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==============================================================================
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IBFT: No matter how hard you laugh with or at it, you'll NEVER get it.
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http://www.amherst.edu/~mcspinks/ibft/ibfthome.html
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email: mcspinks@unix.amherst.edu
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ftp://ftp.etext.org/pub/Zines/IBFT The Eleventh Hour (617)696-3146
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==============================================================================
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