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_____________________________________________________________________________
---------------------------- I Bleed for This? ------------------------------
------04.07.96-----------------------------------------------------#041------
I'll Hit You Back! Issue #1
by IBFT/Syndicate
Last thanksgiving, IBFT published a questionnaire and asked people to submit
stories for a new group we claimed to be starting, called "IBFT/Syndicate".
This was a total lie. We had planned all along to tear apart whatever
bullshit applications were sent to us and try to humiliate the author, for
the reading enjoyment of everyone smart enough not to apply. We scored big
time. For some reason, a bunch of people wanted to see their names in tiny
ascii lights, joining the ranks of the electronically published. They sent
in the angst-ridden biography and dumb short stories and poems that you're
about to read.
Instead of dulling my razor-sharp wit on such soft, jelly-like pap, I'm just
going to let the applications speak for themselves. They fall into 2
categories: Friends who sent in applications just for the fuck of it, and
actual true-to-life morons who wanted to apply. E-mail addresses are left
intact in the second case, so that you can start up an electronic friendship
with these people and enter into a pathetic 90's cyber-relationship with
them.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
From: [sdkafhlkasjhl]@red-branch.MIT.EDU
Subject: IBFT
To: bleed@unix.amherst.edu
Date: Sat, 26 Nov 1994 21:42:05 -0500 (EST)
X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL23]
Content-Type: text
Content-Length: 2786
IBFT Syndicate questionnaire.
1. How many times were you beat up in high school?
None.. I beat them up. (truly). I was known for being very calm,
but after too much, I would basically blow up and insanely beat the hell
out of them. Rules? fairness? I know no such thing.
2. How many hours per day would you expect to spend on IBFT/syndicate
related projects?
Hmm.. depends I guess. I've been known to come up with some
wierd persfectives on things. Mainly depends on my mood.. but I have
been dubbed 'The pervert' by a few known comrades.
3. List Internet services you have access to. (FTP, IRC, etc).
Whatever I can get my hands on buster.
4. Please indicate any privileged status you have at your site.
(example: superuser status could be used to set up FTP/WWW server
newsadmin status could help push through IBFT newsgroup)
I basically have root access to a few servers where I work,
however the firewall prevents anyone from getting through. Which blows..
besides that.. i'm friends with the admin of the site, red-branch.. that
I'm using now. I also have an account at Umass Amherst. The stupid
bastards haven't disabled me even though I don't go there this semester.
5. How could she leave you, when you had so much love to give?
Well, basically she was a fucking two (or more) timing whore, who
didn't give a shit about love, and basically fucked me and left me naked
in her bed. Besides that, she wasn't worth my time and deserves her
disease and pot clouded existence, lying to her friends and herself. I
was raped.
6. Why did you fuck Kennedy?
Which one?
7. Why the hell should we let you join IBFT Syndicate?
I'm cool, and I want to be in damnit! *cry*
8. Check here if you forgot to put Kennedy's diapers back on after you
packed her colon full of rotten fruit: [*]
9. How many times did you try to commit suicide by running with scissors?
I normally run with scissors, and see how many people I can run into.
10. If there's anything else you want to say, do it now.
There's lots of idiots out there in our world giving their
twisted perspectives on things, so I guess I should be able to voice mine
too. Oh, I also love the literal value which this publication can provide
to my library.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>From jlawson@lynx.dac.neu.edu Mon Nov 28 02:26:08 1994
From: "John A. Lawson III" <jlawson@lynx.dac.neu.edu>
Message-Id: <199411280725.CAA16116@lynx.dac.neu.edu>
Subject: questionaire
To: bleed@unix.amherst.edu
Date: Mon, 28 Nov 1994 02:25:40 -0500 (EST)
X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL23]
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
Content-Length: 4977
Status: RO
IBFT questionaire
1. How many times were you bet up in high school?
Do you wany total or daily figures?
hell in high school even the nerds picked on me
2. How many hours per day would you expect to spend on IBFT/syndicate
related projects?
Hey, If I got the time I'll make the time. That ok with you?
3. List Internet services you have access to. (FTP, IRC, etc)
well Mosaic, telnet, IRC, FTP, email....If I don't got it I'll get it :)
4. Please indicate any privileged status you have on your site.
(example: superuser status could be used to set up FTP/WWW server
newsadmin status could help push IBFT newsgroup)
Well none really. I hope this doesn't mean I can't join.....If it
does..give me a momment and I'll take this place over.
5. How could she leave you, when you had so much love to give?
Yeah, I was willing to give all my heart to melody but she threw me away
like old rubbish....well anyway I'm glad she did leave now , I;ve heard
she's totally screwed up...definite National EnQuirer material.
6. Why did you fuck Kennedy?
Who the fuck is Kennedy? if she's cute well then there's your answer.
anyway now then I think of it is there anyone a kennedy hasn't fucked?
7. Why the hell should we let you join IBFT Syndicate?
I have that confusion that you claim to be the outlet for...
Confusion and Anger BUILT UP FOR YEARRS .....aand ABOUT To EXPLODE!
8. Check here if you forgot to put Kennedy's diapers back on after you
packed her colon full of rotten fruit: []
*ponders these questions* ok whatever....ok I'll go along with
this...Yeah I forgot....I forgot and I put the diapers on myself...DAMN
they were comfortable.
9. How many times did you try to commit suicide by running with
scissors?
well not lately, but in high school about twice a week if not more,.
10 If there's anything else you want to say do it now.
Oh no, You've created a monster with that invite oh well here it goes.
My confusion started way back in second grade. I had recently fell in
love for the first time going to class. And as the year progress I
could think of nothing but Jennifer. Well one day in the playground
she asked me to kiss her. I was so over whelmed that I started to
laugh. I just want to slap that guy I was across the face now cause I
never got my first real kiss...and have been at diffenrt levels of
depresssion ever since then.
During Junior High, High school and elementary I was the one that was
picked on. The one who was always picked last ..the one who was picked
on by bullies..etc.... And the one thing that got me because I was so
skinny and weak and had other physical ailments and was shy
i was thought to be gay. I later found out these ailments could have been
caused by a slight case of MArfan's syndrome, which supposedly Abrham
lincoln had. If you want to learn more about this ...read a Medical
Book and leave me alone. And if You say the reason people say you are
gay is because you are...SCREW YOU! And it got so intense that in the
elevth grade I had to go into counselling for being suicidal....Jumping
off a over pass into oncomoing traffic was my likely method. Luckily
somone talked me out of it....or was it.
Well ever since then I've been deathly afraid of asking any woman out or
in matter of fact in trusting anyone for that matter....Thinking that a
no would mean she belieives the lie.
Well yearpast And I got into college and finnaly got another crush on
this girl Melody...Hell I even changed my irc nick to harmony to go with
her real name.... well after about a year or so I finnaly got the guts
to try and ask her out...instead of saying no gently I was dumped real
hard I had seen her often after that I never saw her ver much after
that.
I had been so scared of asking but desperated for companionship that I
had turned to staring and other forms of harrasment looking fo a sign
... I've been talked to a dozen times at work and last weekend I lost my
infinity mud charchter for harrasing this girl in real life , who I
would later found out is a chracheter in the mud and lives with the
Mud's administrator. I had been on that mud so long that losing my
charchter put me in such a deep depression that I again felt like
killing myself....hanging in a empty elevator shaft. well this time I
found some people on irc and talked with them and sent out some email
and got counseling that way.
I had also been so desperate that I had turned to prostitutes...since If
I had to pay for companionship so be it....And I'm not talking the cheap
ugly street lady's either.. I'm talking the beautiful expensive
escorts... I had gone to differnent girls so much that I'm currently in
debt so deep I can't get out of it and not sure but possibly just short
of going personally bankrupt.
Well All I want to know is why is there only two kinds of women?
Those who won't go out with ya.
And Those who would.....but are going out with someone else at the time
ARRRRRRRRRRGH!
>From [aslkdfhlsdf]@netcom.com Wed Nov 30 19:14:40 1994
Date: Wed, 30 Nov 1994 16:15:10 -0800 (PST)
From: [nobody you know] <[laskjdsdf]@netcom.com>
Subject: Re: IBFT 23
To: bleed@unix.amherst.edu
In-Reply-To: <199411261209.AA08414@amhux3.amherst.edu>
Message-Id: <Pine.3.89.9411301657.A10592-0100000@netcom4>
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
Status: RO
On Sat, 26 Nov 1994, Snarfblat wrote:
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> IBFT Syndicate questionnaire.
>
> 1. How many times were you beat up in high school?
Never. I hate you. I had blocked it out. Too many times to
mention. Psychological beatings occurred too frequently. And those were
just from MYSELF.
> 2. How many hours per day would you expect to spend on IBFT/syndicate
> related projects?
Who knows. If I ever become a real lawyer, probably only those
necessary to keep goony bozos out of jail. And only if they get lucky
enough to go to jail in NY.
> > 3. List Internet services you have access to. (FTP, IRC, etc).
Whatever Netcom gives me. Any of 'em if someone prods me enough
to use them. Even though I can't figure out Farnon's simple commands to
"go taco"--whatever that means. Some weird native ritual, I think.
> > 4. Please indicate any privileged status you have at your site.
> (example: superuser status could be used to set up FTP/WWW server
> newsadmin status could help push through IBFT newsgroup)
I'm just happy that each time I pay 'em, they let me stay on. (I
TOLD you about those psychological beatings.) It does kind of remind me
of a protection racket, though.
> 5. How could she leave you, when you had so much love to give?
Would have been inapplicable, actually probaby is inapplicable,
'cause she's neither left me, nor have I had much love to give. I
consider myself lucky. Go figure.
> > 6. Why did you fuck Kennedy?
Because he said those mean things about my granny....Whoops.
Oh. THAT Kennedy. Because she was a worthless two-timing whore of a
porcupine!
> 7. Why the hell should we let you join IBFT Syndicate?
I don't know. Don't. I just like Sna and Farnon and even though
I don't yet know where Farnon lives, I COULD FIND OUT.
> 8. Check here if you forgot to put Kennedy's diapers back on after you
> packed her colon full of rotten fruit: [ ]
No. I refuse to conform to such arbitrary demands.
> 9. How many times did you try to commit suicide by running with scissors?
Never. But I did once try to drown myself in cool whip.
> 10. If there's anything else you want to say, do it now.
Leave me alone. Go away.
...
Huh? Oh yeah, I forgot. I was the one who sent the email.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>From [skfhaskdlkdf]@max.tiac.net Mon Nov 28 01:50:07 1994
From: [AShlkjf sadhlk] <dasflksd@max.tiac.net>
Message-Id: <199411280649.BAA19134@max.tiac.net>
Subject: app
To: bleed@unix.amherst.edu
Date: Mon, 28 Nov 1994 01:49:35 -0500 (EST)
X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.4 PL24alpha3]
Content-Type: text
Content-Length: 4631
Status: RO
IBFT Syndicate questionnaire.
1. How many times were you beat up in high school?
0
2. How many hours per day would you expect to spend on IBFT/ syndicate
related p
rojects?
119 systolic, 76 diastolic. i don't know. fuck you.
3. List Internet services you have access to. (FTP, IRC, etc).
all except WWW
4. Please indicate any privileged status you have at your site.
(example: superuser status could be used to set up FTP/WWW server
newsadmin status could help push through IBFT newsgroup)
willing to sleep with tiac admins.
or, willing to not sleep with tiac admins, if that would work better.
5. How could she leave you, when you had so much love to give?
we thought sna's dad might find out.
6. Why did you fuck Kennedy?
which kennedy?
7. Why the hell should we let you join IBFT Syndicate?
i will take a solemn oath not to worship you, other than that, you
shouldn't.
8. Check here if you forgot to put Kennedy's diapers back on after you
packed her colon full of rotten fruit: [ ]
oh, her.
9. How many times did you try to commit suicide by running with scissors?
suicide: 0 murder: twice for every teacher i had up through
fourth grade, as we stopped doing arts and crafts around then..
10. If there's anything else you want to say, do it now.
sadly, no. i think it is sad. there's a lot of free speech
these days, and noone has anything to be free with, much. that's the "goal."
you're supposed to out grow it, let the new generations have
their say. but i don't want to. i'm afraid to get old. i'm afraid
that there will be people younger than me, and that my journal from when
i was sixteen is inifitely more interesting than my journal from
eighteen. why am i getting more boring as time goes on?
you know what i think it is: fulfilling relationships. they fucking ruin
you. course that's not even true when you're sixteen cause 1. all you really
want when you're that young, is to be able to call someone else your
boyfriend, as much as possible, and 2 it isn't really fulfilling in the first
place. my boyfriend when i was sixteen, fifteen really, was such a
jerk, i can't even tell you. he was a jerk in unique, unprecedented ways. he
used to make me slow-dance with him in his living room and lip-sync
Rush love songs, then i was supposed to let him feel me up.he used to
call me and masturbate and go through this long corny phone-sex
ritual, and eventually i'd just put the phone down and go read a
magazine till i figured he'd be done. it was boring, and embarrassing
but not because i was such a prude, but because i kept cringing thinking
what a jerk he sounded like.
and of course eventually i ditched him and was miserable for a while, but
you know, you get to enjoyng your freedom. i had friends, at least. now
i have a very nice boyfriend, and no friends, and i'm watching my life
fritter itself away over the most trivial things, and it scares the shit out of
me, because i don't seem to want to stop it. i watched a tv movie tonight. the
most idiot tv movie i could find. i watched it with jeff, you know, the
togetherness thing."she led two lives". this woman married two guys.
neither of them were much of a catch. ugly fuckers, too. i thought this
was going to tie in with my main point, but i guess not. i guess i don't
have one. i will make one up:the biggest problem with seeking
happiness is that occasionally you succeed. the moral of this story is,
don't watch tv. i dont suppose a lot of college students do, or at
least, i didn't till i moved in here, but it ruins you and connie seleca's
is the last
miserable actress face i intend to see. (i didn't mention that my jerk
boyfriend was an actor, of the particularly snotty high school variety. he
goes to emerson now. once he saw me across the street when i was
coming out of berklee, and waved, and as the only good thing
i have ever done in my whole life, i ignored him.)
i was going to say, moral number 2, don't get too close to being happy,
but now.. i'm rethinking it. i have promised every one of the four
boyfriends i have ever had my hand in marriage. i knew every time that
it would never happen, that it was a total joke, but they didn't think so
and it made them happy and what were they going to do, sue? i was
only a little nervous that someday someone might call me on it. but
realistically, now. be as happy as you can, but don't expect it to
last, and don't be too sad if it doesn't, because then you will have
something noone else does and you can spend your time figuring out what.
erin
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>From E.J.Barker@durham.ac.uk Tue Nov 29 21:35:26 1994
Date: Wed, 30 Nov 1994 02:34:39 +0000
Message-Id: <13545.9411300234@altair>
Subject: Re: IBFT #023
Newsgroups: alt.angst
In-Reply-To: <3bf4j3$ad3@narnia.ccs.neu.edu>
Organization: University of Durham, Durham, UK
Content-Length: 4151
Status: RO
Responded to poster & address given. One never knows with these
fly-by-night outfits, does one?
In article <3bf4j3$ad3@narnia.ccs.neu.edu> you write:
>To apply for membership in IBFT syndicate, fill out the following
>questionnaire and mail it back along with as many writing submissions as you
>want. If we select you as a member if IBFT Syndicate, we will let you know
>before we publish the first issue of the zine.
Fuck you, mateyboots. You can have my questionaire answers and some
text, but I very much doubt that your little clique is either as
exclusive or as desirable as you would have us think.
>And please remember that being in the Syndicate does not mean you are in
>IBFT. If you ever claim to be "in IBFT", I'll find out where you live and
>stick my finger so far up your mom's ass that it will be way far up there.
You've never met my mum. I'd like to see you try.
>IBFT Syndicate questionnaire.
>
>1. How many times were you beat up in high school?
Nil.
>2. How many hours per day would you expect to spend on IBFT/syndicate
> related projects?
Nil.
>3. List Internet services you have access to. (FTP, IRC, etc).
All. FTP, IRC, Gopher, Telnet, UseNet, WWW, whatever.
Public access Unix/X-workstations, don't you know.
>4. Please indicate any privileged status you have at your site.
> (example: superuser status could be used to set up FTP/WWW server
> newsadmin status could help push through IBFT newsgroup)
Nil.
>5. How could she leave you, when you had so much love to give?
She never did. He never did. No-one has ever wanted to.
Or dared.
>6. Why did you fuck Kennedy?
N/A
>7. Why the hell should we let you join IBFT Syndicate?
I don't know. I don't think I want to.
>8. Check here if you forgot to put Kennedy's diapers back on after you
> packed her colon full of rotten fruit: [ ]
N/A
>9. How many times did you try to commit suicide by running with scissors?
Nil.
>10. If there's anything else you want to say, do it now.
Nice boots... wanna fuck?
>Remember: if you have anything of value to say, you have a chance at
>being recognized as a member of IBFT/Syndicate, and being published in an
>issue of I'll Hit You Back.
Lucky old me.
>Good luck.
St. George and no quarter!
> IBFT: If we hate you, you don't deserve to know why.
That's alright dear. I don't give a monkey's anyway.
-El-
Included text files follow.
--
Hate
-E J Barker 14/5/94
Hate by all means;
Hate what you will
Hate with passion,
hate without fear
Hate is still strength.
Hate is stronger than love
Love is for others
Hate is for the self
Hate makes you strong
Love makes you dependant
Hate injustice, hate weakness
Hate pathos, hate fatalism
Hate fatally.
Corectly allocated,
hate will solve all problems
Hate will overcome
all hurdles
Hate makes right.
Love your hate,
hate makes right.
--
An organic achievement
-Elena Barker 16/2/94
Coach-sick and restless I beheld
To my right- A Marvel! An arial farm!
A field of poles, growing slowly amid
Their support-wires, lustrous and strong;
What wondrous saplings mankind has sown!
--
Our Charming Mania
-Elena Barker 11/2/94
In joy, we bacame a childish assembly
Singing Sylvian songs on a train, again
And we flashed our eyes with a manic smile.
Because nothing is so intimate as joking, laughing
Being together alone in a public place.
An elegant joke was played upon
The glittering run of the endless track
And the Harpenden Boy loves his Purple Girl.
And they stared as we stared longingly at each other
As we recklessly kissed for commuters to see.
Harpenden Boy, bang your tin drum
For a Purple Girl from another town
Singing Sylvian songs on the Harpenden train.
Commuters, lost, turn away to their papers
Totally excluded from our charming mania
Tired from work and ashamed of love, and
Lost without intimacies that we share.
--
| E.J.Barker@dur.ac.uk St. Aidan's College, Durham, UK |
| Dead End Street http://www.dur.ac.uk/~d2190e/home.html |
| 70 words per minute 0 thoughts per word |
>From lithium@rci.ripco.com Thu Dec 1 21:36:52 1994
To: bleed@unix.amherst.edu
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 1994 20:32:55 -0600 (CST)
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
Content-Length: 3915
Status: RO
------------------------------------------------------------------------
IBFT Syndicate questionnaire.
1. How many times were you beat up in high school?
none. people look at me funny though. they think i'm weird. too bad
they're wrong. you see, everyone else is weird; i'm the only normal
person in the whole fucking school.
2. How many hours per day would you expect to spend on IBFT/syndicate
related projects?
2 per week.
3. List Internet services you have access to. (FTP, IRC, etc).
ftp, irc, gopher, archie, mail, usenet. no html, though.
4. Please indicate any privileged status you have at your site.
(example: superuser status could be used to set up FTP/WWW server
newsadmin status could help push through IBFT newsgroup)
none. and i slept with the guy. do you believe it? he couldn't even
call me back, that son of a bitch...
5. How could she leave you, when you had so much love to give?
sometimes it just make me want to scream and then say "sorry for
screaming. it's just a little disorder, that's all."
6. Why did you fuck Kennedy?
i was hungry and she looked like a big chicken leg.
7. Why the hell should we let you join IBFT Syndicate?
cuz i'm pretty funny. huhuhuh.
8. Check here if you forgot to put Kennedy's diapers back on after you
packed her colon full of rotten fruit: [ ] X
9. How many times did you try to commit suicide by running with scissors?
once. after they let me out of the Ward, i tried more effective means
of killing myself, like those gun thingees.
10. If there's anything else you want to say, do it now.
no. i have nothing else to say. i am not being redundant.
Here's a little article i am going to pop in the second issue of my
multimedia zine for PC's as an example of my writing style:
---
I recently came to a horrendous realization. Electronics
manufacturers of our fine nation are all racists.
Yes, it's true and very evident. To prove it, do this simple
task: pick up any ordinary calculator. Notice its color. Black.
But wait, there's more. Look at your personal computer, which
you're most likely looking at right now. It's white.
You see, most Amerikkkan electronics manufacturers see a great
opportunity to degrade the Afro-American race when decided upon a color
for their new machine.
Calculators are simple devices. They mainly consist of a single
chip with a simple matrix keypad with a finite number of functions all
outputting to a simple 10-digit LCD screen. They are not the epitome of
intelligence by any means. Even the most advanced of graphing
calculators can perform nowhere near the magnitude of larger desktop
computers. You will almost always find these machines in the color of
black, representing the negro race.
Personal Computers, on the other hand are more powerful on the
electronic evolutionary scale. They can inevitably solve any problem
and are deemed to be smarter than man. They are always found in the
color of the Aryan race. Nowadays, they outnumber calculators because
people believe that if you have the money, why not get the best? Yes,
you sick perverts, why not get your self a piece of racism?
So go fuck yourselves, all you ignorant consumers. Be blind to
the fact that the corporations are slowly inflicting their ideas on our
weak subconcious minds. Heed these words: they will take over. Nazism
is not dead. Hitler is alive in your PC. The KKK lives in your floppy
drive. Supremacists like to fuck around with your screen saver.
Skinheads frequently frag your hard drive up.
So in conclusion, I estimate that all computers by the year 2000
will have blond hair and tiny little blue eyes painted on them. The
standard language will be german. Either that, or they will have tiny
little pointy white hats and ride horses and hang out near bonfires.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>From s766184@aix2.uottawa.ca Fri Dec 2 17:59:44 1994
Received: from amhux3.amherst.edu (root@amhux3.amherst.edu [148.85.1.53])
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Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 17:58:23 -0500 (EST)
From: Sum Idjut <s766184@aix2.uottawa.ca>
Subject:
To: bleed@unix.amherst.edu
Message-Id: <Pine.3.89.9412021700.A65519-0100000@aix2.uottawa.ca>
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
Status: RO
IBFT Syndicate questionnaire.
1. How many times were you beat up in high school?
None. I run fast. But I hope to get beat up a few times before
I quit university. This one guy I know has been beaten so many
times he's lost count. At this one party last year some guys
beat him up and threw all his clothes in the fire.
2. How many hours per day would you expect to spend on IBFT/syndicate
related projects?
Lotsnlotsnlots cuz I have no life and I sit around my apartment
all day listening to Fugazi and Fudgetunnel and Tool and Melvins
and Jesus Lizard and Goats and KMFDM and my fucking neighbours
getting busy on their fucking electric organ and my roommate
whining at me to do the dishes or wash the bathroom or blah blah
blah fucking blah. Or I read t-files or books about how fucked up
society is or stare at JPEGs or get fried and watch AcidWarp or
just wank or whatever. Sometimes I go to other peoples houses or
to a concert to get fried and listen to music. But I don't have
lots of friends so that wouldn't interfere with my possible IBFT
career. Oh yeah, I go to class too sometimes. But that's not so
important.
3. List Internet services you have access to. (FTP, IRC, etc).
FTP IRC telnet gopher www Usenetnews blah blah blah. . .
4. Please indicate any privileged status you have at your site.
I'm top downloader from alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.*
5. How could she leave you, when you had so much love to give?
I left HER before she could leave me. Bitch. Oh well.
6. Why did you fuck Kennedy?
Marilyn said he was a good lay, for a US President, so I figured what
the hell? His sphincter was kind of tight at first (anal virgin,
you know) and he wouldn't stop squirming, but after a while he sort
of got into it more. Afterwards he said he had a really good time.
He gave me his phone number and stuff, and I meant to call him,
but someone blew his head off the next day so that was sort of the
end of it.
Yeah, yeah, Fuck MTV. I'm Canadian; we don't get it, we don't want it.
7. Why the hell should we let you join IBFT Syndicate?
Because I suck. Maybe worse than you. Actually, I'm a fucking
loser. I really fucking felch the dead dog's maggotty corn hole.
This is my only chance. If you reject me I'll just have to drink
one of those hundred-hit vials of liquid and take a high-dive off
some downtown skyscraper.
8. Check here if you forgot to put Kennedy's diapers back on after you
packed her colon full of rotten fruit: [ x ]
Anything you say, bub.
9. How many times did you try to commit suicide by running with scissors?
Fuck off, you can't kill yourself by running with scissors. The
worst thing about trying to kill yourself with tools is that you
usually just end up giving yourself a non-fatal mutilation.
Sometimes you can give yourself a fatal wound, but it takes the
rest of the day for you to die. Read your suicide file. Poison
is IT, man.
10. If there's anything else you want to say, do it now.
Gotta have it. Pepsi.
11. Do you like citrus fruits?
Yeah. And then some.
12. Who's your favourite muppet?
The girl with the droopy eyes and the deep voice who plays in
Animal's band. Oh, what the fuck is her name... Janet, Joan,
something like that? She's hot. Wheww. Pzzt. Furrp.
13. What about grapefruits?
I already said I like citrus. Fuck off.
14. But don't you think they're really sour?
Fuck off, I like them. Try putting sugar on yours. Personally,
I hate really sweet things, but some people like eating
grapefruits with sugar.
15. Don't you think Sugar sounds way too much like Husker Du?
What did you expect? Anyway, all that jangly pop-punk sounds
the same to me. It's all shit.
16. Do you have any good acid stories?
Yeah, one time my buddy and me and his girlfriend and my mom
dropped about a billion hits and went to this nine-week rave
in the Grand Canyon--Fuck, no; I'm so tired of peoples'
tripping stories.
17. Do you have red hair?
No. But I can dye it if you want me too. I crave acceptance
above all else. Personal integrity? Fuck it. I'll renounce
all my beliefs if you'll be seen in public with me. It's a
cruel and lonely world, punk; start molding yourself to others'
specifications.
If you accept me, I'll send you some of my stuff. I can't think of a
good handle right now. I'll make one up later. Nothing wanker like
"DeathMaster" or "Darklord" or "Eggheaded Fucktwerp of Doom", I promise.
Thanks for your time. Praise Allah. Have a nice day.
>From casey@jones.synapse.net Fri Dec 2 20:59:18 1994
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To: mikeb@ccs.neu.edu (Mike Bukhin)
From: casey@jones.synapse.net (Casey Jones)
Subject: Re: Syndicate
Date: Fri, 2 Dec 1994 20:55:53 LOCAL
Message-ID: <casey.53.004B765D@jones.synapse.net>
Status: RO
In article <3bgb18$es3@narnia.ccs.neu.edu> mikeb@ccs.neu.edu (Mike Bukhin) writes:
>_____________________________________________________________________________
>---------------------------- I Bleed for This? ------------------------------
>------11.26.94-----------------------------------------------------#023------
>So... Cut along the line and mail this shit back now!
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>IBFT Syndicate questionnaire.
>1. How many times were you beat up in high school?
Never.
>2. How many hours per day would you expect to spend on IBFT/syndicate
> related projects?
Maybe 1 or 2.
>3. List Internet services you have access to. (FTP, IRC, etc).
PPP connection (USENET, ftp, irc, www, gopher, telnet, etc)
>4. Please indicate any privileged status you have at your site.
> (example: superuser status could be used to set up FTP/WWW server
> newsadmin status could help push through IBFT newsgroup)
No priviledged status, but I could probably push through an IBFT newsgroup if
nobody else can.
>5. How could she leave you, when you had so much love to give?
She left because she was hungry. I wish I had fed her better..
>6. Why did you fuck Kennedy?
Kennedy deserved to be fucked.
>7. Why the hell should we let you join IBFT Syndicate?
Why the hell am I even thinking about helping you? If you don't, I'll just
set up some competition! :)
>8. Check here if you forgot to put Kennedy's diapers back on after you
> packed her colon full of rotten fruit: [ ]
>9. How many times did you try to commit suicide by running with scissors?
Not even once!
>10. If there's anything else you want to say, do it now.
No. I'll tell you if you make me a member.
> IBFT: If we hate you, you don't deserve to know why.
--
Please direct any comments, criticisms, flames, etc to casey@jones.synapse.net -- My opinions are not necessarily those
of any company I am or am not affiliated with. It is quite possible, however, that my opinions *are* shared by someone else,
and I hope that anyone who agrees with me is not offended by this
disclaimer. :)
>From techs@lucifer.ankle.com Fri Dec 2 17:02:47 1994
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From: techs@lucifer.ankle.com (Knife Richter)
Subject: ibft/syndicate appykation.
To: bleed@unix.amherst.edu
Date: Fri, 2 Dec 94 16:41:26
Reply-To: lucifer!techs@freedom.NMSU.Edu
X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.3 PL11]
X-Status:
Status: RO
1. How many times were you beat up in high school?
Uhm... ONly a few times. I wasn't very social at all during high school, so
there wasn't much chance of me actualyl running into all the people that
wanted to beat the shit out of me. I think I learned this as a defensive
skill from being beating up so many fucking times in middle school. of
course, the one little toad that kept beating me up in middle school got
his revenge.. weeks before we moved away, I saw him walking along down the
street (shortly after having had my ass whipped by him) and I hopped on my
little bicycle and hauled as much ass down the street as a 12 year old can
haul, and rode down the hill towards him. I'm not surprsed he was so
stupid as to NOT hear the soft purr of knobby BMX tires on pavement
travelling at what I would now estimate as a good 15 miles an hour. He
noticed it when I plowed directly into his back and transferred all my
momentum into him causing him to fall on the ground and slide a long way,
tearing the hell out of his face. I laughed and rode away very very fast
and spent the next few weeks avoiding his retaliation that never came.
2. How many hours per day would you expect to spend on IBFT/syndicate
related projects?
Depends on how many hours i'm not jerking off. i dunno. maybe an hour. feel
priveledged, even my classes dont get that much of my time.
3. List Internet services you have access to. (FTP, IRC, etc).
uh.. all of them... and what I dont have, I compile for my system anyway.
4. Please indicate any privileged status you have at your site.
I am the sysadmin. not that that's terribly special, considering we're
only a student organization, and we still have to kow tow to the assholes
in networking, but it ain't bad.
5. How could she leave you, when you had so much love to give?
How the fuck should I know? I assume that this is some defect in their
miserable little psyche's that makes them assume that the following line of
thought is logical:
"I love him so much that I am going to just leave him and never tell him
why I left, because I don't want to hurt him, I'm just not into his shit.'
Or at least that's the tripe i got.
6. Why did you fuck Kennedy?
Because I always end up fucking dog ugly people who have no self-esteem
because it's the only kind I can get ahold of. the rest are smart enough
to know they can't change me into a nice person so they dont come around
and try to be motherly. Kennedy is a bullshit MTV whore. I bet she fucked
LL Cool J back when he was popular.
Unless you meant JFK, and then I wasssn't old enough to fuck him, but I bet
the warm soppy mess of his head would have been a good lay.
7. Why the hell should we let you join IBFT Syndicate?
I dont give a fuck.. I'm just doing this for my own self image.`
8. Check here if you forgot to put Kennedy's diapers back on after you
packed her colon full of rotten fruit: [ ]
Golf balls and wine spritzer.
9. How many times did you try to commit suicide by running with scissors?
Zero. I only run when chased, and then I'd rather kill them instead of me.
I save the suicidal thoughts for when I'm sitting around my house trying to
poison myself with rum. alone. in the dark. with extremely whiney music
playing. like the cure. and sobbing about how much I suck.
10. If there's anything else you want to say, do it now.
Beadworld.
Next come the submissions. I didnt write these. I only claim to have
enjoyed them.
-----------------------------------
erotic toaster poem
by jeff vogel
in masturbatory glee
the other night
i put my penis in
everything in sight
banana peels were fun
but to my dismay
in the disk drive my cock
would just not stay
drains were good
the keyhole better
and the ice tray kept getting
wetter and wetter
and not to seem
and awful boaster
but then i had sex
with the toaster
down went the plunger
and in went my meat
it felt really groovy
when i turned up the heat
i thrust even deeper
and pressed my attack
i pushed in a bagel
for a post-coital snack
but in case you think
this poem is to amuse
as my toes started curling
well, out blew a fuse
the shock singed my penis
and forced out my breath
i write this while i pray
for sweet and kind death
the end
- Jeff Vogel
Copyright 1993
All rights reserved.
No public readings of this poem
permitted, without prior written
permission of the poet.
BTW, GE toasters have great springs.
----------------------------------------
This gem was written by my best friend. Dent L'Dir. a long time ago.
Let me tell you the story of Happy Bunny and Happy Squirrel. Happy
Bunny and Happy Squirrel were very very good friends. They knew each other
for a very very long time and did everything together. Anything Happy Bunny
found, he shared with Happy Squirrel. Anything Happy Squirrel found, he shared
with Happy Bunny. They were friends forever. Until one day :
Happy Bunny was walking very hapily along when he came across a pot of
gold.
"Ive found a pot of gold!!" exclaimed Happy Bunny.
The first thing he wanted to do was show Happy Squirrel his new found
treasure. So he ran, and he ran, and he ran all the way to The Happy Hideout
where Happy Bunny and Happy Squirrel spent all of their secret time.
"Hello Happy Bunny, " said Happy Squirrel.
"Hello Happy Squirrel, " said Happy Bunny, "do you know what I found?"
"No, no, what did you find?" asked Happy Squirrel.
"Its a surprise! I have to show it to you!" said Happy Bunny
"Well lets go, lets go!" shouted Happy Squirrel excitedly.
So the two friends left their secret hideout to go find the pot of
gold. Happy Squirrel was so excited and wanted so badly to find out what Happy
Bunny's secret was. He could not wait. Happy Bunny on the other hand was now
thinking twice about showing Happy Squirrel the pot of gold. Happy Bunny now
wanted to keep the whole pot of gold to himself. Even though Happy Bunny and
Happy Squirrel always shared everything, Happy Bunny did not want to show
Happy Squirrel the treasure anymore.
"We have to cross the road to get to the surprise, " said Happy
Bunny "Thats okay, we do it all the time, " said Happy Squirrel, "all
we have to do is look both ways and make sure no cars are coming. Then we
can walk across the street just like our parents showed us."
"Thats right, we'll make sure to look both ways. You look one way,
Ill look the other," Said Happy Bunny.
They came upon the road and each looked their seperate ways to
check for cars. Happy Bunny looked left. And Happy Squirrel stared right.
But Happy Bunny did not look left for very long. Happy Bunny pushed Happy
Squirrel out into the road and Happy Squirrels skull was crushed. Little Happy
Squirrel brains were squished out all over the road and looked like a bloody
lump of Happy rotting flesh. The smell was not very happy either. Happy
Squirrel smelled real bad because Happy Squirrel was dead.
Happy Bunny had a large evil grin on his face as he stuck his
Happy Bunny foot in the blood red squashed remains of his Happy friend. His
teeth were shining like sharp razors and he had a crazed look in his eye.
"Now you will never get any of my gold you worthless squirrel!!!
Happy Bunny laughed and laughed and laughed.
But this is not the end of our story. This is only the beginning.
Happy Squirrel's spirit was rising from his dead squirrel body.
It was going to heaven becuase Happy Squirrel was a good Squirrel. But a
large gust of wind blew Happy Squirrel's soul back down to the ground. Now he
was stuck on the earth because he did not have wings yet. So Happy Squirrel
was now trapped between two worlds. He was not in heaven, but he was not on
earth.
"What am I to do as a ghost?" asked Happy Squirrel.
Happy Squirrel cried and cried and cried until a little bird who
saw Happy Squirrel crying landed next to him.
"Hello, My name is Happy Pigeon, why are you crying?" asked the
bird.
"Im crying because my friend Happy Bunny pushed me into the road
" cried Happy Squirrel.
"Im sorry. What a mean friend you have." replied the Happy Pigeon.
"He's not my friend anymore, NO ONE IS MY FRIEND ANY MORE!!!"
Screamed Happy Squirrel.
Happy Squirrel grabbed Happy Pigeon and choked him to death. Happy
Pigeons useless body fell limp to the ground as Happy Squirrel laughed and
laughed and laughed. For some reason Happy Squirrel felt very good about
himself now.
"Im going to get that Bunny and pay him back!" exclaimed Happy
Squirrel.
So Happy Squirrel ran all around looking for Happy Bunny. When
he did find Happy Bunny, Happy Bunny was playing with his pot of gold.
"The squirrel is dead! The gold is mine! Im glad hes gone!
The gold is all mine," sang Happy Bunny.
"IM GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU WORTHLESS RABBIT!!!" shouted Happy
Squirrel.
Happy Bunny looked up to see the grotesque face of a hellish like
demon hovering above him. The creature he saw had fangs and crooked teeth
to match. His hair was on fire and his eyes bulged out of their sockets.
The monster had dirty claws that dripped blood. You could see his ribs
through his pale and gaunt skin. Happy Squirrel was not so happy any more.
"Oh no! Its the devil!" screamed Happy Bunny.
And so it was. Not So Happy Squirrel had been possessed by satan
Happy Squirrel was now a walking manifestation of the evil and hatred
found in the past, present, and future. Happy Squirrel was now a demon.
Happy Bunny was too scared to move. His little shaking rabbit
body could not even twitch. The claws and fangs of Not So Happy Squirrel were
slowly tearing apart the once happy body of Happy Bunny. First he gouched
out Happy Bunny's eyes. Then tore off Happy Bunny's happy little ears.
Then he tore off Happy Bunny's little tail. Then all four legs were ripped
off the dying carcass of a once very rich and happy rabbit. This was not the
end of it all though. Not So Happy Squirrel then cut open the body of
Happy Bunny and dug out with his claws Happy Bunny's guts. He slowly
shoved them in his mouth savoring the sweet delicacies of blood and guts.
Happy Bunny was now dead.
Dead Happy Bunny's spirit did not rise from his body. It fell
into hell to burn in torture for eternity. For the rest of time Happy Bunny
was trapped in hellish flames that engulfed him forever.
Happy Squirrel was now stuck on earth as a ghost and spent the rest
of eternity killing rabbits.
So the next time you see a squirrel and a rabbit playing in the
forest, remember the story of Happy Bunny and Happy Squirrel. For you now know
that cute little furry animals are the devil in disguise.
------------------------------
(I have a videotape of me reading that to my speech class I should make an
.au out of. they did say 'tell us a story')
------------------------------
Thats about it for today. all of these (and other stuff like it) are
accessable thru http://scf.nmsu.edu:4280/ then hit the Public Text link.
--
Erik "Techs" Fichtner [Web Me! -- http://freedom.nmsu.edu/~emf]
(emf@freedom.nmsu.edu || lucifer!techs@scf.nmsu.edu) ________
Physics and Astronomy, New Mexico State University. /\
Systems Adminstrator, NMSU Student Computing Foundation /--\
_/__\_\_
"Any clod can have the facts, aNk1e ByT0rz
but having opinions is an art" -Charles McCabe
>From kevyn@ksu.ksu.edu Sun Dec 4 10:48:38 1994
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Date: Sun, 4 Dec 1994 09:48:25 -0600 (CST)
From: Kevyn Jacobs <kevyn@ksu.edu>
Subject: IBFT Questionnaire
To: bleed@unix.amherst.edu
Message-Id: <Pine.3.89.9412040948.A25455-0100000@matt.ksu.ksu.edu>
Mime-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII
Status: RO
IBFT Syndicate questionnaire.
1. How many times were you beat up in high school?
More times than I can count.
2. How many hours per day would you expect to spend on IBFT/syndicate
related projects?
0.00000000000000000000000000000002
3. List Internet services you have access to. (FTP, IRC, etc).
The works. At least my tuition goes for SOMETHING useful!
4. Please indicate any privileged status you have at your site.
(example: superuser status could be used to set up FTP/WWW server
newsadmin status could help push through IBFT newsgroup)
Hey, I am a total peon.
5. How could she leave you, when you had so much love to give?
Actually, I told her to get the fuck out - I'd much rather give my love
to him than to her.
6. Why did you fuck Kennedy?
He BEGGED me to! He kept telling me that Marilyn just couldn't make him
feel like a man the way I could.
7. Why the hell should we let you join IBFT Syndicate?
You shouldn't. But I suspect you probably will anyway....
8. Check here if you forgot to put Kennedy's diapers back on after you
packed her colon full of rotten fruit: [ ]
9. How many times did you try to commit suicide by running with scissors?
Do you mean BEFORE or AFTER I lost my virginity? It was MUCh more common
before.....
10. If there's anything else you want to say, do it now.
Fuck you. Fuck Me. Fuck Jesse Helms. (No, on second thought, YOU fuck
Jesse Helms!)
>From gregk@borneo.ucsd.edu Fri Dec 16 05:33:57 1994
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Message-Id: <199412161033.CAA29101@ucsd.edu>
From: Greg <gregk@borneo.ucsd.edu>
Date: Fri, 16 Dec 94 02:28:32 -800
To: bleed@unix.amherst.edu
Mime-Version: 1.0
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Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1
Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit
Subject: take it, or fuck you
Status: RO
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> IBFT Syndicate questionnaire.
>
>
>
> 1. How many times were you beat up in high school?
>
> The beatimgs were nothing. It was the anal rape that really got to me. Everyday after gym class,
> guys from the football team would trap me in the showers, bend me over the towel rack, and take
> turns on my sphinctor while all the cheerleaders watched. I usually passed out after the fourth or
> fifth guy, and I would wake up hours later, my ass caked with blood and semen, and practically
> drowning in vomit. It would take me hours to pull the quarterback's mouthpiece out of my colon.
> To this day, whenever I take a shower, I can still the hear the "ka-thump, ka-thump" of those guys
> driving their long rods hard into my ass.
>
> 2. How many hours per day would you expect to spend on IBFT/syndicate
> related projects?
>
> I'm so busy, with all the exciting, important things going on in my life, I could only fit, say,
> between 12-14 hours per day in.
>
> 3. List Internet services you have access to. (FTP, IRC, etc).
>
> All of 'em, baby.
>
> 4. Please indicate any privileged status you have at your site.
> (example: superuser status could be used to set up FTP/WWW server
> newsadmin status could help push through IBFT newsgroup)
>
> I have SU status on my Silicon Graphics Indy at work. I run a WWW site on it. It's at
> http://borneo.ucsd.edu. It's oceanographic data, for global warming research, or something like
> that. I would be happy to make an IBFT WWW page. It would make me feel good, being
> associated with such Generation-X poets as yourselves.
>
> 5. How could she leave you, when you had so much love to give?
>
> She did it twice. The last time being yesterday. She's not answering the phone, all I get is the
> machine. To prove my love, I'm going to take a whole bottle of Darvocet, wait till I'm about to
> pass out, then call her and let her machine record the sound of me trying to say, "I still love you"
> as I drown in a pool of my own vomit. She'll pick up the phone just as I go unconscious and beg
> for me to forgive her, but it'll be too late.
>
> She fucked the guy she dumped me for while on an acid trip. How the fuck can I compete with
> acid? Fucking impossible. My personality is boring enough in the first place. Acid is better than
> personality.
>
> 6. Why did you fuck Kennedy?
>
> Who's Kennedy? Does not knowing make me un-cool? Not that I don't want to fuck him/her. I
> will if it's required.
>
> 7. Why the hell should we let you join IBFT Syndicate?
>
> Becuase I have so much love to give.
>
> 8. Check here if you forgot to put Kennedy's diapers back on after you
> packed her colon full of rotten fruit: [ ]
>
> 9. How many times did you try to commit suicide by running with scissors?
>
> That's pretty funny. You make me laugh.
>
> 10. If there's anything else you want to say, do it now.
>
> My Soul Was Destroyed At Banana Republic
> by Greg K.
>
> I was living in the athletic apartments before the classes started in order to make pre-season
> cross-country practice. I was living with two girl runners. One of them was beautiful. I fell in
> love with her. But she was cool, and bought clothes at Banana Republic, so I knew I didn't have
> a chance. I didn't even have a car. So I just sat in bed reading "Zen And The Art of Motorcycle
> Maintenance" all day, like the pathetic pseudo-intellectual that I am.
>
> She came into my room.
>
> "What are you reading?" she asked perkily.
>
> "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance," I replied, coolly.
>
> "Ooooh, Zen, that's sooo cool!!" she replied perkily. "I've been meditating all summer. It really
> helps me relax and stuff. I think that's so cool that you're reading that. Does it have any
> meditation in it?"
>
> "Um, no. It's about a guy who goes fucking nuts. But if you want to read it sometime, I'll lend it
> to you. I think you'd like it," I lied, trying valiantly to make some kind of real social contact with
> the goddess.
>
> And then she smiled at me. Not a fake, patronizing smile, either, but one with such spontaneous
> warmth that it instantly destroyed my defensive walls of sarcasm and bitterness. She had me.
>
> I felt a rare confidence. I felt like a man, not the pathetic loser I'd been all my life. I asked her
> out, without thinking.
>
> She accepted, and suggested we go to the mall.
>
> All my bitter resolve to never again approach the temple of conformity was destroyed. I went.
> We went to Banana Republic. Once inside, we saw two other girls from the team. They walked
> up to us, and asked what we were doing. She said, "I'm just getting some clothes," turned to me,
> and asked, "What are you doing here?"
>
> I played along for her sake, went home, and picked up my book my book where I left off.
>
> I don't know what a real smile is anymore.
>
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IBFT: No matter how hard you laugh with or at it, you'll NEVER get it.
http://www.amherst.edu/~mcspinks/ibft/ibfthome.html
email: mcspinks@unix.amherst.edu
ftp://ftp.etext.org/pub/Zines/IBFT The Eleventh Hour (617)696-3146
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