108 lines
5.9 KiB
Plaintext
108 lines
5.9 KiB
Plaintext
_____________________________________________________________________________
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---------------------------- I Bleed for This? ------------------------------
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------05.25.94-----------------------------------------------------#013------
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How To Get By When You're Just As Dumb As Everyone Else, But Uglier
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by Snarfblat
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In an effort to rebel against your parents, you've shoved metal objects
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through your face, injected ink under your skin, and put dog shit, dye and
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bleach in your hair. You're an ugly fuck and there's nothing you can do
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about it. In the words of Milk and Cheese, "You morons! Tattoos aren't as
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easy to forget as bell bottoms!"
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Then one day you come to realize that the only things you're rebelling
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against are food, housing, fun and comfort. Don't worry, there are still
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options for you. True, these options suck, but if you don't like it you
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should just kill yourself. Otherwise shut up and get with the program.
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One job opportunity is to become a Generation-X anti-hero. This
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requires some talent, usually musical in nature. However, we will assume you
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have no such talent. If you are talented, but stupid, and a greedy label has
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not exploited you, you probably aren't as talented as you think you are.
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Your only hope is to make one dollar an hour playing in a dank, urine-soaked
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train station.
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It is insignificant whether or not you actually have the knowledge to
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make a living for yourself. We are assuming you have mutilated your body so
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badly that babies and grown men alike burst into tears when they look at you.
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You have more metal than skin on your face and you think it makes you better
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than everyone else. It only makes you better at sucking. You try to look
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like Eddie Vedder by not washing your clothes or hair for weeks at a time.
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Eddie Vedder is a millionaire, and he owes it all to your stupidity. You are
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all fucking insignificant feeble-minded worms. You can't get a real job
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because you have paid money to look like shit, and now you have become shit
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and there's no going back. You can only hope to get a shit job. Serves you
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right.
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Examples:
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Studied in school... but don't want to be... Try being...
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English English teacher Bookmobile driver
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History Historian/History teacher 7-11 cashier
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Philosophy Homeless Waiter at Friendly's
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Anthropology Drug Dealer Stop & Shop produce guy
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Music Musician Alternative musician
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Theater Actor Performance artist
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CompSci Unemployed hacker Independent Security
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Consultant
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You get the idea.
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There are also jobs that will actually let you take advantage of your
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repulsive looks. For example, alternative music stores, tattoo parlors,
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clubs. Aside from being a bouncer or bartender, you can actually get work as
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a club-goer. Places desperate to maintain a certain image will hire freaks
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such as yourself to show up every night and add to the ambiance. The only
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problem is that they know you would gladly pay to go the club, so you have to
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trick them into thinking that you don't always look like that. They want a
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normal person who is out looking to make a few bucks ripping off the freaks.
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Most likely you are too stupid to pull this off, and will continue to pay for
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something that should be free. Poor fool. If only you had taken your anger
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out on something other than your skin.
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Become a street musician. Being a street musician is easy. Just go
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somewhere where lots of people waste time. You can actually make some money
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this way. Here is a pointer for you. Don't play the music that inspired you
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to draw a yahtzee board on your forehead; you know Nirvana, Tool, or Stone
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Temple Pilots. The idiots who like that music do not have any money! Take a
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look at the 30-40ish professionals in yuppie gear holding hands walking by
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you. See they had rebellion in their music when they were kids, but they
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also had some common sense. And now they have money, while you have a marble
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in your penis. You know what kind of music they like? Music that makes them
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remember. Play Bob Dylan, the Beatles, Cat Stevens, Don McLean, James
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Taylor, and the like. If you have long hair and look cute, you cannot go
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wrong. Oh, and don't get me wrong. Those people suck too. But they have
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money.
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If you want to get your anger out, start a textfile group. Writing
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textfiles requires minimal talent, is free and doesn't scar you for life,
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except for that nasty Australian whore who read one of my usenet posts and
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said she "would never hire you, so don't even bother to apply." Big deal.
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Saggy titted kangaroo fuckers don't scare me. I'm in IBFT.
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---> The Revolution Will Not Be Televised. <--
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All of this is not to say that you shouldn't try to rebel against this
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shithole world we are forced to live in. You must learn to do it in such a
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way that lets you keep the benefits of a civilization while maintaining your
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free will and pride, if you have any left after a lifetime of being raped up
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the ass by MTV's oozing lumpy 12-inch. John Lydon (Johnny Rotten) looks
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relatively normal today, yet he has spent his whole life shitting in the face
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of corporately manufactured teen-exploiting commercial rock music. Do you
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want to be like him, or do you want to burn out and die in a pool of your own
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puke the way Sid Vicious did? Stupid fuck. You just don't get it. It's the
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punk ethic, not the punk uniform. You toothless gravy drooling moron. You're
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not fucking worth my time.
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==============================================================================
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IBFT: We Break Your Wooden Leg
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Information, mailing list:
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bleed-request@unix.amherst.edu
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ftp.etext.org:/pub/Zines/IBFT The Eleventh Hour (617)696-3146
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==============================================================================
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