755 lines
32 KiB
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755 lines
32 KiB
Plaintext
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********* *** *** ******
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********* *** *** *** *
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*** *** *** *** **
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*** ********* *******
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*** *** *** *** **
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*** *** *** *** **
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*** he *** *** umus *** ** eport
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THE Electronic Fun Zone dedicated to fertilizing Mother Earth
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in the finest possible tradition. Serving Mother since the 1950s.
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Issue 013, Vol III #04
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copyright (c) March 1992
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caren park
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chief bottle washer, owner, publisher, editor, other stuff
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all rights reserved, and any/all applicable legal rigamarole
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============================================================================
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February 1992: The month the president of the US would like
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to forget. The month his Republican competitor (Pat "I'm Not a Journalist")
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Buchanan set fire to his (President Bush) cojones by saying he (President
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Bush) was politically barely to the left of Hitler and not worthy of the
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office. The month when Buchanan was accused of consorting with/being "a
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journalist," with all the "liberal" baggage contained therein. The month
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when 30+% of South Dakota Republicans decided to give their vote of
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confidence to "None of the Above." The month that five major Democratic
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candidates stumbled over each other attempting to find "electability."
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March 1992: When we probably find out which of the candidates will still
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be "electable." When it's entirely possible the US electorate will finally
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decide that only the stupid would vote for "any of the above."
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We would like to thank cartoon artists and writers, your everyday
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news gathering agencies, idiots, biblical scholars and dieters everywhere,
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and the United States Executive Branch for making it exceptionally easy to
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find good fertilizings...
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So, without further adieu, on with the show...
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============================================================================
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"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here..."
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============================================================================
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The fundamental problem with program maintenance is that fixing a
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defect has a substantial (20-50 percent) chance of introducing another.
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So, the whole process is two steps forward and one step back
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- Frederick P Brooks, Jr, "The Mythical Man-month" -
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============================================================================
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Are YOU a CHOCOHOLIC? Take this easy quiz and find out!
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1. Do you consider chocolate one of the 4 basic food groups?
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Yes/No
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2. Do you lie awake at night worrying about a potential world
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chocolate shortage? Yes/No
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3. Do you buy chocolate chips, claiming they're for baking
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purposes, yet never actually bake? Yes/No
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4. Have you been known to dab chocolate syrup on your pulse points
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in lieu of cologne? Yes/No
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-*-*-*-
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DIETING UNDER STRESS
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This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds
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up during the day.
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BREAKFAST
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0.5 grapefruit
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1.0 slice whole wheat toast
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8.0 oz skim milk
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LUNCH
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4.0 oz lean broiled chicken breast
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1.0 cup steamed spinach
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1.0 cup herb tea
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1.0 oreo cookie
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MID-AFTERNOON SNACK
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rest of oreos in package
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2.0 pints rocky road ice cream
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1.0 jar hot fudge sauce, nuts
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cherries, whipped cream
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DINNER
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2.0 loaves garlic bread with cheese
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1.0 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
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1.0 large pitcher of beer
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3.0 Milky Way or Snickers candy bars
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LATE EVENING SNACK
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1.0 frozen Sarah Lee Cheesecake eaten directly from freezer
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DIET TIPS
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1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no
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calories.
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2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the
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candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
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3. When you eat with someone else, the calories don't count if you
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both eat the same amount.
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4. Food used for medicinal purpose NEVER counts, such as hot
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chocolate brandy, toast, and Sarah Lee Cheesecake.
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5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look
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thinner.
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6. Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they
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are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one's personal
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fuel. This includes Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots,
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and Tootsie Rolls.
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7. Cookie pieces contain NO calories. The process of breakage
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causes caloric leakage.
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8. Things licked off of knives and spoons have no calories if you
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are in the process of preparing something. Examples: Peanut butter on a
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knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
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9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
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Examples are spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.
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NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other
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food color
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============================================================================
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The press says, "Why are you always playing teenagers?" I'm
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nineteen. What am I supposed to do? Play a judge?
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- Winona Ryder -
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============================================================================
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If the Bible is to remain a living document, it must be
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periodically brought up-to-date to reflect the social and economic realities
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of contemporary life. We have already been given the New English Bible, and
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now a new edition is being prepared for the American businessman, edited and
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written in living business prose. The following excerpt is from Genesis:
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The Lord endowed man with sole proprietorship over the
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Garden of Eden, but with one legal restriction:
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"This is a free, competitive market," the Lord told man,
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"and all commodities are available for consumption, with the exception of
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the seasonal production of the Tree of Knowledge which, if consumed,
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advertently or inadvertently, will lead to consequences, the seriousness of
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which cannot be too greatly emphasized."
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Then the Lord, in executive session, decided:
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"Man is a socioeconomic creature whose standard of living is
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currently geared to the primitive subsistence level. Furthermore, as a lone
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operator he is handicapped by the absence of a free exchange of market
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information and by the lack of personal incentives."
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The Lord therefore initiated a research and development
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program that soon produced the hardware which was to revolutionize
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agriculture. From his laboratories poured birds and beasts of every
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conceivable make and model.
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This developmental achievement was capped with a surgical
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operation that must inevitably place His name alongside those of Pasteur and
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Salk: putting man under local anesthesia, a rib was removed, and using this
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rib as raw material, a new creature --- woman --- was synthesized. The
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economic benefits accruing from this technological breakthrough were
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numerous. The immediate effect was to double man's productive capacity, but
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in the long run it enabled him to create a cheap labor pool which
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effectively kept wages down and maintained favorable profit ratios.
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Now, a competitive situation soon arose in the Garden of
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Eden when a Serpent initiated a sales campaign aimed at lowering the
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unusually heavy post-seasonal inventory at the Tree of Knowledge.
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Approaching the woman, Eve, the Serpent said:
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"We have a special introductory offer on fruit from the Tree
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of Knowledge, better known by its brand name, Forbidden Fruit. How about
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taking home a few lugs?"
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Eve replied:
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"The Lord told us Forbidden Fruit is cheap foreign
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merchandise dumped in the Garden of Eden to try to undermine the Paradise
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Way of Life."
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"You must have our product confused with some other fruit,"
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the Serpent said. "Look at this report from an independent research
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organization. It shows that 84-percent of the serpents who ate of the Tree
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of Knowledge attained infinite wisdom. It can do the same for you."
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"Infinite wisdom --- who needs it? What else will it do?"
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"It's also guaranteed to give you a better complexion in
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thirty days or your money back."
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"I'll take two lugs," Eve said, "but don't tell Adam; he'll
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be furious."
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After Eve had consumed the Forbidden Fruit, she realized she
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had been duped by one of the few unscrupulous operators who give the whole
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selling profession a bad name. Ridden with guilt, she went to Adam and
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said, "Honey, take a bite of this apple; it's delicious."
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"Isn't that Forbidden Fruit?"
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"Yes, as a matter of fact, it is. I just bought a couple of
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lugs from the Serpent."
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"You little idiot. That's cheap foreign merchandise, dumped
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on the Garden of Eden in a naked attempt to undermine the Paradise Way of
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Life."
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"I know all that, but he assured me that it would improve my
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complexion and you know how I've been breaking out from all this rich food."
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"That's fine for you, but what's in it for me?"
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"Infinite wisdom."
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"Infinite wisdom? Who needs it?"
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"Look, sweetie," Eve said, smiling coyly, "do it for me, OK?"
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"Well, OK," Adam replied, and ate of the Forbidden Fruit.
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"Not bad for cheap foreign merchandise. Say, incidentally,
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Eve, why don't you throw a few fig leaves together and make a little outfit
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for yourself. It doesn't look so good parading in front of the birds and
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beasts like that."
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When the Lord received a communication to the effect that
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Adam and Eve had allowed cheap foreign merchandise to be marketed in the
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Garden of Eden in the face of explicit protective legislation, He was
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bitterly disappointed. As Adam and Eve walked through the garden, the Lord
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spoke to them over the public address system.
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"I am bitterly disappointed," the Lord boomed, "that you
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have jeopardized the Paradise Way of Life by allowing foreign competition to
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make inroads into domestic markets. In order to assess the full extent of
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the damage suffered by our sales structure and to insure the containment of
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further erosion of our markets, it will be necessary to determine
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responsibility for violation of the Tree of Knowledge Tariff Act."
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"Of course, I accept full responsibility for the actions of
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those under my jurisdiction," Adam said. "However, for the record, I want
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it noted that it was Eve who made the illegal purchase of Forbidden Fruit
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and persuaded me to eat this inferior foreign product."
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"I'm only a poor housewife victimized by the sharp practices
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of an unscrupulous Serpent," Eve replied. "How are we consumers supposed to
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protect ourselves without adequate labelling laws?"
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The Lord declared:
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"This violation of sound business practices cannot go
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unheeded. It is the decision of the executive board that you are to give up
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your franchise to the Garden of Eden. I hope it is understood that this
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action was taken without personal animosity, since you have both rendered
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loyal service in the past. However, We find We must cancel your health
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insurance and pension benefits. You have My sincere best wishes and hopes
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for success in your future undertakings. Please leave the keys at the gates
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as you leave"
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- John J McLaughlin, "The New Businessman's Bible" (excerpt) -
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-*-*-*-
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There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense. In
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other words, a good offense wins
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- VP J Danforth Quayle, attempting to paraphrase Bobby Knight,
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basketball coach -
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============================================================================
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Delivered by Brother I/O at the December 1990 PULSAR meeting:
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THE SERMON ON THE MONITOR
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Dearly C-loved, we are basically assembled here today
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because PCing is believing. We're here to console you; ASCII and ye shall
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receive. We say there is a life worth debugging! Data, data everywhere,
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but not a thought to think, that is the problem...
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Dear friends, perhaps you've interfaced with someone out
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there with a terminal illness, some poor hacker with bloodshot eyes in data
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distress who's been attacked by the evil one, Glitch, and his wicked helper
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Crosslink, someone whose FAT is truly in the fire. Even if your data has
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been blown all to HAL and it's your cluster's last stand, there's not a
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thing we can do to bring it back. But, we can solace you in your hour of
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need.
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And that is why the Giver Of Data has downloaded to me, from
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his heavenly host mainframe, at 9,600 baud error-free, the Keyboard Prayer
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for the data distressed. Now, let us make the sign of the monitor (trace a
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square with your finger in the air), bow our heads, and pray in parallel:
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THE KEYBOARD PRAYER
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Our program who art in memory,
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HELLO be thy name.
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Thy keyboard hum,
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Thy work be done,
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On disk as it is in memory.
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Give us our data
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In key-field order
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And forgive us our I/O errors,
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As we forgive those with faulty logic circuits,
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And lead us not into frustration,
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But deliver us from power surges.
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For thine is the algorithm,
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the application and the solution,
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looping forever and ever.
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Return!
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============================================================================
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Other people set one's objectives, provide one's resources,
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and furnish one's information. One rarely controls the circumstances of
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his work, or even its goal. In management terms, one's authority is not
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sufficient for his responsibility. It seems that in all fields, however,
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the jobs where things get done never have formal authority commensurate
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with responsibility. In practice, actual authority is acquired from the
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very momentum of accomplishment
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- Frederick P Brooks, Jr, "The Mythical Man-month" -
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-*-*-*-
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SOUTHWESTERN DISTRICT,
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TEMPE, ARIZONA
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CASE #B19294,
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JUDGE JOAN KUJAVE, PRESIDING
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Wile E Coyote, Plaintiff
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vs
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Acme Company, Defendant
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Opening statement of Mr Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr Coyote:
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My client, Mr Wile E Coyote, a resident of Arizona and
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contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme
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Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise,
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incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and
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territory. Mr Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of
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business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the
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actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the
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United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to
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product liability.
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Mr Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he
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purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, `Defendant'), through that
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company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily
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injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling.
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Sales slips made out to Mr Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the
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possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr
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Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his
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profession of predator. Mr Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible
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for Workmen's Compensation.
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Mr Coyote states that on December 13th, he received of Defendant via
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parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr Coyote was to use the
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Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey.
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Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled, Mr Coyote removed it from its
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wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the
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ignition. As Mr Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated
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with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr Coyote's forelimbs
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to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr Coyote's body shot
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forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and
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placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the
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horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path,
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the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr Coyote abreast of his prey.
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At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the
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right. Mr Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was
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unable to, due poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or
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nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of
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the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr Coyote into collision with the side of a
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mesa.
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Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit
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B), prepared by Dr Ernest Grosscup, MD, DO, details the multiple fractures,
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contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr Coyote as a result of this
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collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head
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(excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four
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legs. Hampered by these injuries, Mr Coyote was neertheless obliged to
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support himself.
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With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility
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one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product,
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however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which
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occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter,
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without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case,
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two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger
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safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr Coyote lost control of the Rocket
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Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard
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so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
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Mr Coyote states on occasions too numerous to list in this
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document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant:
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The Acme `Little Giant' Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc.
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(For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and
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attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe
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to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr Coyote
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performed in an expected manner.
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To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal
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effort, Mr Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden
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trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward around it
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to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough
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was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by
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Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation
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indicated by the X. Mr Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly
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on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue # 78-832),
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climbed to the top of the butte. Mr Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed,
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approached, and Mr Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the
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fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
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In addition to reducing all Mr Coyote's careful preparations
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to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the
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following disfigurements to Mr Coyote:
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1) Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle
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2) Sooty discoloration
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3) Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to
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dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise
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4) Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing
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kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration
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5) Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring
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We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains
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of a pair of these purchased by Mr Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's
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Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical
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laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis,
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but to date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and
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extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity
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itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs
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of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a
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cocking devise with a lanyard release. Mr Coyote believed that this product
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would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the
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chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.
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To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr
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Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder.
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Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr Coyote's prey was known to
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frequent. Mr Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and
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crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard
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release. Within a short time, Mr Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the
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path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr Coyote, well
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within range of the springs at full extension. Mr Coyote gauged the
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distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.
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At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr
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Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown,
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the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr Coyote. As
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the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr Coyote hung suspended in air. Then
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the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr Coyote to a violent feet-first
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collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters
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falling upon his lower extremities.
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The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound,
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whereupon Mr Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision
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followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had
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begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs
|
|
adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr Coyote came into contact with
|
|
the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr Coyote, or both came
|
|
into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process
|
|
continued for some time.
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|
|
|
The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical
|
|
damage to Mr Coyote, viz, flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement
|
|
of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression
|
|
of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a
|
|
vertical axis produced a series of folds in Mr Coyote's body tissues --- a
|
|
rare and painful condition which caused Mr Coyote to expand upward and
|
|
contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an off-key,
|
|
accordion-like wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing
|
|
nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr Coyote's pursuit of
|
|
a normal social life.
|
|
|
|
As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual
|
|
monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr Coyote's work. It
|
|
is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the
|
|
detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder,
|
|
giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber
|
|
bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr Coyote has
|
|
no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder
|
|
what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a
|
|
situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the
|
|
most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.
|
|
|
|
Mr Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard the
|
|
larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of
|
|
seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr Coyote seeks actual damages
|
|
(missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of
|
|
one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to
|
|
reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred
|
|
and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: Thirty-eight million, seven
|
|
hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr Coyote the full amount,
|
|
this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders,
|
|
successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm
|
|
the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law
|
|
|
|
- Ian Frazier, 26 Feb 1990 'The New Yorker' -
|
|
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
|
|
Last month's puzzle was a short little poem about an innkeeper
|
|
who had been asked to place 10 men into 9 rooms, such that each had their
|
|
own room. The poem made it sound as if the innkeeper was able to do so...
|
|
However, the true answer follows. In poetic form, of course... :)
|
|
|
|
-*-*-*-
|
|
|
|
Innkeepers are a clever lot,
|
|
But one was not too bright,
|
|
'Cause in nine rooms he could, he thought,
|
|
Sleep ten without a fight.
|
|
|
|
When to the inn our party strode,
|
|
I was the last of ten
|
|
The other nine were bedded first,
|
|
My turn had come, but then;
|
|
|
|
Back to the first, the innkeep ran,
|
|
From there one man was led
|
|
He took him to the room twas mine
|
|
And gave to him, MY bed.
|
|
|
|
He called him last who was the first,
|
|
And left me cold and tired,
|
|
So with my sword, I ran him through
|
|
And in his bed, retired.
|
|
|
|
Now wiser men from this should learn,
|
|
A simple rule of thumb
|
|
When fucking with a tired man's bed,
|
|
A clever plan is dumb
|
|
|
|
-*-*-*-
|
|
|
|
Straight men need to be emasculated. I'm sorry. They all need to
|
|
be slapped around. Women have been kept down for too long. Every straight
|
|
guy should have a man's tongue in his mouth at least once
|
|
|
|
- Madonna -
|
|
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
|
|
Now, we come to my favourite section, "The News Slick," where truth
|
|
is almost always stranger than fiction... It's doubtful that anyone could
|
|
make up better news than what the normal wire services provide on an almost
|
|
daily basis... With that in mind, here's all the news that fits to
|
|
print... Enjoy!
|
|
|
|
-*-*-*-
|
|
|
|
An enraged South African motorist bit off a policeman's ear while
|
|
being ticketed
|
|
|
|
- March 1986 -
|
|
|
|
-*-*-*-
|
|
|
|
Berlin Heights, Ohio: A couple filed a $125,000 lawsuit
|
|
against a pizza company, claiming a "spoiled, rotten, rancid and moldy"
|
|
pizza caused the death of their dog Fluffy. Their lawyer said the couple
|
|
"became violently ill after eating a small quantity of the pizza. Then,
|
|
they became severely distressed in their search for medical assistance and
|
|
ran over Fluffy in the driveway."
|
|
|
|
-*-*-*-
|
|
|
|
A goldfish dealer in Florida asked tax collectors if he should keep
|
|
a dead fish as proof of a loss.
|
|
|
|
The auditors' reply? Please don't
|
|
|
|
- March 1986 -
|
|
|
|
-*-*-*-
|
|
|
|
Indianapolis: A woman accused of writing more than $100,000 in bad
|
|
checks was freed when she posted $1,800 bail --- by writing another rubber
|
|
check
|
|
|
|
- March 1986 -
|
|
|
|
-*-*-*-
|
|
|
|
Gresham, Oregon: A supermarket clerk sued a co-worker for
|
|
$100,000 for mental stress and humiliation. He charged the colleague with
|
|
"repeatedly and intentionally" passing gas at him while both were clerks in
|
|
a local supermarket.
|
|
|
|
-*-*-*-
|
|
|
|
"Human Events" has come up with what we think is one of the best
|
|
definitions of deficit spending we've seen. Such spending, it says, is like
|
|
burning the logs of your life raft to keep yourself warm
|
|
|
|
- March 1968 Augusta Georgia Herald -
|
|
|
|
-*-*-*-
|
|
|
|
Bellevue, Washington: A man, frustrated after his car got stuck,
|
|
took a tire iron out of his trunk and smashed every window in the car.
|
|
Still not satisfied, he pulled out a 9mm pistol and shot all four tires full
|
|
of holes. The man then reloaded the gun and fired several more shots, but
|
|
the gun jammed. He threw it down in the snow and returned to the tire iron.
|
|
He was battering the hood when the police arrived. They said the man
|
|
appeared sober and rational, just extremely perturbed
|
|
|
|
-*-*-*-
|
|
|
|
The war between deadbeats and businesses issuing credit cards is
|
|
being escalated again. And it has gone electronic with a vengeance.
|
|
|
|
Two Wisconsin inventors have re-designed those imprinting devices
|
|
that merchants use to record your name and account number on sales slips.
|
|
They added a computer wire to it and also a small oven.
|
|
|
|
When your card is placed in the new device, the home-office computer
|
|
goes over your account. If you've been paying your bills, the gadget works
|
|
just as before. But if you're a deadbeat, the oven goes on --- and your
|
|
credit card goes up in smoke...
|
|
|
|
- March 1968 Atlanta Journal-Constitution -
|
|
|
|
-*-*-*-
|
|
|
|
Meribel, France: The Safest Sex Award at this year's Winter
|
|
Olympics goes to the United States hockey team which, despite the presence
|
|
of 36,000 condoms being passed out to athletes at the games, evidently had
|
|
no energy to use them.
|
|
|
|
"Ice hockey," said forward Viatcheslav Bykov, "is the best
|
|
form of contraception"
|
|
|
|
- 23 February 1992 -
|
|
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
|
|
Editorial Commentary
|
|
|
|
-*-*-*-
|
|
|
|
January 1991: 58% of the people in the US live in areas
|
|
where the air quality falls short of the standards set by the 1970 Clean Air
|
|
Act
|
|
|
|
-*-*-*-
|
|
|
|
Every ton of re-cycled paper saves 9.9 cubic feet of landfill space
|
|
|
|
-*-*-*-
|
|
|
|
Every day, the citizens of Los Angeles drive 142 million
|
|
miles --- the distance from Earth to Mars
|
|
|
|
- 50 Simple Things You Can Do to Save the Earth -
|
|
|
|
-*-*-*-
|
|
|
|
Every second, on each square yard of its surface, the sun
|
|
produces enough energy to light 100,000 homes
|
|
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
|
|
And, last but not least, a few words of wisdom. It's true that
|
|
mankind does not live by bread alone, and we've pretty much proved that
|
|
axiom with these unusual masterpieces. To quote someone much smarter than
|
|
myself (hi, Kalen!): "I am non-denominational --- I accept all forms of
|
|
currency. So, open your hearts and empty your pockets!"
|
|
|
|
A wonderful sentiment, don't you think?
|
|
|
|
If you should find it in your hearts to like what we are doing
|
|
here, and would like to help us stay in business AND solvent, please send
|
|
your non-tax-deductible subscriptions and donations in whatever amounts
|
|
please you to:
|
|
|
|
caren park
|
|
2557 - 14th avenue west
|
|
suite 501
|
|
seattle, washington 98119
|
|
|
|
(01 March 1992)
|
|
|
|
We will acknowledge, in print, messages from our reading public
|
|
with the warmest thoughts for our survival...
|
|
|
|
If those among you would kindly send in junk that you have no
|
|
other use for, stuff that you read and find humorous, filth that no one
|
|
else will take, stories absurd or preposterous, news that isn't fit to line
|
|
litterboxes anywhere, if you would send those gems to us here at The Humus
|
|
Report, we'd appreciate it. We will cull from the post office box all
|
|
death threats and denunciations, and print what we can of whatever is left.
|
|
The rest is up to you...
|
|
|
|
We would appreciate it: (1) if you should see non-attributed
|
|
copyrighted material in our stuff, please let us know ASAP so we can take
|
|
appropriate actions; (2) if you like what we do here, please donate or
|
|
subscribe with dollar amounts you feel appropriate and helpful, so that we
|
|
can continue to bring you this stuff on a regular basis...
|
|
|
|
We also have a program contained within CKP-MSG.ZIP (a
|
|
Fortune-like program) from which everything you will see here can be found,
|
|
and then some. For a nominal cost per year ($25 US), I will provide the
|
|
latest copy of the ibm/compat program AND the latest updates of the
|
|
datafile to you... Address inquiries about this program and/or the datafile
|
|
to the address above...
|
|
|
|
We leave you now with a last thought...
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The president is to be the commander in chief of the army
|
|
and navy of the United States, and of the militia of the several states,
|
|
when called into actual service of the United States.... In this respect
|
|
his power would be nominally the same as the King of Great Britain, but in
|
|
substance much inferior to it. It would amount to nothing more than the
|
|
supreme command of the army and navy as the first General and Admiral of the
|
|
Confederacy; while that of the King extends to declaring of war and raising
|
|
of fleets and armies; all which by the constitution in consideration would
|
|
appertain to the legislature
|
|
|
|
- Alexander Hamilton, The Federalist #69, March 14, 1788 -
|
|
|
|
|
|
...until next month...
|