712 lines
34 KiB
Plaintext
712 lines
34 KiB
Plaintext
============================================================================
|
|
|
|
********* *** *** ******
|
|
********* *** *** *** *
|
|
*** *** *** *** **
|
|
*** ********* *******
|
|
*** *** *** *** **
|
|
*** *** *** *** **
|
|
*** he *** *** umus *** ** eport
|
|
|
|
THE Electronic Fun Zone dedicated to fertilizing Mother Earth
|
|
in the finest possible tradition. Serving Mother since the 1950s.
|
|
|
|
Issue 005, Vol I
|
|
May 1988
|
|
copyright (c) 1988
|
|
caren park
|
|
chief bottle washer, owner, publisher, editor, other stuff
|
|
all rights reserved, and all that legal rigamarole
|
|
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
|
|
A few remarks from the chief bottle washer:
|
|
|
|
Hello, there, fellow friends of weird. We are very happy to bring
|
|
to you the strangest and most absurd that we can find in a format pleasing
|
|
to the inquiring mind. We will attempt to bring to you items of focus,
|
|
items for the discriminating thought process that some of us have (usually
|
|
after we order a Domino's Pizza with everything but onions and cooked
|
|
tomatoes on it), items with little social redeeming value. These are our
|
|
goals, and we wish you to become a small part in this orchestration.
|
|
|
|
If those among you would kindly send in junk that you have no other
|
|
use for, stuff that you read and find humorous, filth that no one else will
|
|
take, stories absurd or preposterous, news that isn't fit to line
|
|
litterboxes anywhere, if you would send those gems to us here at The Humus
|
|
Report, we'd appreciate it. Our address will be given to you near the end
|
|
of our report. We will cull from the post office box all death threats and
|
|
denunciations, and print what we can of whatever is left. The rest is up to
|
|
you...
|
|
|
|
We would appreciate it if: (1) the sending of copyrighted material
|
|
for publication was sent ONLY if you also send along a legal release for us
|
|
to use that material; (2) if you should see non-attributed copyrighted
|
|
material in our stuff, please let us know ASAP so we can take appropriate
|
|
actions; (3) if you like what we do here, please donate whatever you feel
|
|
appropriate, so that we can continue to bring you this stuff month after
|
|
month...
|
|
|
|
We would also appreciate it if you would distribute this newsletter
|
|
far and wide, to the six corners of the world, to the heights and depths
|
|
your soul can reach, the ends of the universe, and even to the Super 8 Motel
|
|
just outside of Milwaukee, if you should happen to be there before I... The
|
|
only restriction I make upon its distribution is that NO CHARGE, zero,
|
|
zilch, nil, none, all of the above, NO CHARGE will be made for this
|
|
newsletter unless I receive 100% of that charge... This means, NO CHARGE
|
|
for diskette distribution, NO CHARGE for inclusion with other junk, NO
|
|
CHARGE for access, etc... As I am insured by the Guido and Vittorio Pin-
|
|
Stripe Violin Case Maker Insurance Company, I hope there will be no
|
|
exceptions...
|
|
|
|
I also have a program called CKP-MSG.ARC which contains virtually
|
|
everything you will see here and about 2 megabytes (in ARC/PKX format) more.
|
|
For a nominal cost per year, I will provide the latest copy of the
|
|
ibEENmISLED/compatible program AND the latest updates of the datafile to
|
|
you... address inquiries about this program and/or the datafile to the
|
|
address near the end of our report...
|
|
|
|
This show can thank the following people: The Original Authors of
|
|
DECWARS, the Queen of England, Paul Eckert and the computer at the Oceanside
|
|
Blade-Tribune, a few flying chickens, and Sister Boom-Boom. So, without
|
|
further adieu, on with the show...
|
|
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
|
|
"Abandon hope, all ye who enter here..."
|
|
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
|
|
A disgruntled but poetic constituent recently wrote the following to
|
|
his congressman: "It is said that President Reagan is thinking of changing
|
|
the Republican Party emblem from an elephant to a condom, because it stands
|
|
for inflation, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while
|
|
one is being screwed"
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A communique received in Britain has me wondering uneasily if
|
|
there'll be an England in the near future. Accompanying a large shipment of
|
|
ballistic missiles to an English military base, he swears, was an order from
|
|
the British Admiralty that went as follows: "It is necessary for technical
|
|
reasons that these warheads be stored upside down, that is, with the top at
|
|
the bottom and the bottom at the top. In order that there be no doubt as to
|
|
which is the bottom and which is the top, for storage purposes, it will be
|
|
seen that the bottom of each warhead has been labeled 'TOP'"
|
|
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
|
|
This was a particularly busy month for births, so let's get on with
|
|
it... May 1st, Mary Harris Jones, better known as "Mother Jones," first
|
|
started raising hell (1830)... May 2nd (1904) saw Bing Crosby for the first
|
|
time... May 6th was definitely a busy one: Karl Marx (1818), Sigmund Freud
|
|
(1856, with his "unorthodox" views on phallic symbols), Rudolph Valentino
|
|
(1895, the chic sheik in EARLY moving pictures), Orson Welles (1915, author
|
|
of the Mars invasion that gave new meaning to Chicken Little and the
|
|
Drumsticks), Willie "Say Hey" Mays (1931, #24 in center for the San
|
|
Francisco Giants, #1 in the hearts of many), and Daniel Gerber (unknown
|
|
date), to whom babies have screamed that strained beets don't look or taste
|
|
any better than the whole stuff...
|
|
|
|
May 7th gave us wonderful music via Johannes Brahms (1833, the
|
|
"Lullaby" man) and Peter Ilich Tchaikovsky (1840, who made it something of
|
|
an adventure for theatre-goers AND conductors, requesting that cannons be
|
|
used in his 1812 Overture, something he wasn't even born to remember)...
|
|
the 8th, 1884, saw Harry S Truman arrive, the president with no middle
|
|
name... John Brown (1800, abolitionist) and Howard Carter (1873,
|
|
Egyptologist and Receiver of the Curse) were born on May 9th... Fred
|
|
Astaire tapped his way into our hearts on the 10th, 1899... Irving Berlin
|
|
(1888, prolific composer) and Salvador Dali (1904) shared birthdays
|
|
(11th)... George Lucas was created on the 14th (1944), and Pierre Curie,
|
|
Marie's better half, radiated first on the 15th (1859)...
|
|
|
|
Laurence Olivier (22nd, 1907), Al "Maammmeee" Jolson (26th, 1886),
|
|
Marion John "You Shouldn'ta Oughta Done That" Wayne (26th, 1907), Leslie
|
|
Townes "Bob Texaco USO" Hope (29th, 1903) help make May look like a good
|
|
month to start out as an actor... Other entertainers include Libe-"I Hope
|
|
You Like It"-race (16th, 1919), Ralph Waldo Emerson (25th, 1803,
|
|
poet/philosopher), Miles Davis (25th, 1926, "cool" jazz trumpetist),
|
|
Dashiell Hammett (27th, 1894, pioneer of the cynical, hard-nosed-type of
|
|
detective), Benny Goodman (30th, 1909, clarinetist supreme), and Walt
|
|
Whitman (31st, 1819, poet of America) round out the month for
|
|
entertainers...
|
|
|
|
All Alaskans proud of their heritage should thank Mr and Mrs Seward,
|
|
William's parent's, for his birth (16th, 1801)... He was responsible for
|
|
the purchase of Alaska at about 2 cents per acre... William Hewlett (20th,
|
|
1913) and Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit (24th, 1686) should both be thanked for
|
|
their contributions to the world as we know it... and, I would be remiss in
|
|
not including John Fitzgerald Kennedy, our 35th President, who apparently
|
|
rubbed some people the wrong way and paid a tremendous price for it one
|
|
November afternoon in Dallas... Born the 29th of May in 1917, he showed us
|
|
a dream of America that may never see the light of day... would that others
|
|
gave as much... Ah, Camelot, where art thou now?
|
|
|
|
May 1st, on the event calendars, proves to be full of things to
|
|
celebrate: Lei Day in Hawaii and May Day the world over... The first
|
|
adhesive postage stamps (Penny Blacks) were issued in England in 1840... If
|
|
any of you that have a mint copy of that stamp would like to sell your copy
|
|
to me, I'm sure we could work out a payment schedule... The first school
|
|
for the deaf was founded in 1860, and the high-strutting Folies-Bergere
|
|
opened in Paris in 1869...
|
|
|
|
Technology, space and space travel figure prominently this month:
|
|
On the 5th (1961), Alan Shepard became the first American in space when Cape
|
|
Canaveral launched Freedom 7... Telstar 2 was launched on the 7th in
|
|
1963... The first US planetarium opened in Chicago on the 10th in 1930...
|
|
Jay Forrester was issued a patent in 1951 (11th) for computer core memory...
|
|
The 14th (1973) saw America launch the ill-fated Skylab, only to see it
|
|
plunge into various parts of the atmosphere a few years later... The last
|
|
of the Mercury flights, Faith 7, was launched on the 15th in 1963... Does
|
|
anyone out there remember who the pilot is/was withOUT going to the local
|
|
encyclopaedia?... On the 25th, "Star Wars" (1978) and "Return of the
|
|
Jedi" (1983) became block-busters for George Lucas and company... The 26th
|
|
(1946) saw the issuance of a US patent for the hydrogen bomb... wonder if
|
|
that patent is still on file, and why the government bothered?
|
|
|
|
Events to celebrate this month include Cinco de Mayo (5th), the
|
|
ending of World War II in Europe (7th, 1945), Native American Day (10th),
|
|
Leprechaun Day (13th), and Never Turn Your Back on the Ocean Day (does
|
|
anyone know anything more about these last two?)... According to the
|
|
television series MASH, the wedding anniversary for BJ & Peg Hunnicutt of
|
|
Mill Valley, California, is on the 23rd of May... And on the 31st, two
|
|
famous women make the headlines: Joan of Arc gets invited to a barbeque
|
|
back in 1433, and Lady Godiva gets on her horse and rides through Coventry,
|
|
England, displaying to all that she had more than just a mind...
|
|
|
|
On the 17th (1954), the Supreme Court rules on Brown v. Topeka Board
|
|
of Education, overthrowing the principle of 'separate but equal', giving
|
|
minority Americans a fighting chance at overcoming bigotry and rascism...
|
|
Mount St Helens went on a diet on the 18th (1980), shedding more than 24,000
|
|
inches from her top during a single eruption... On the 24th (1883), the
|
|
Brooklyn Bridge was opened by President Arthur & Governor Cleveland...
|
|
This, of course, started the largest bridge-selling project in history, and
|
|
we believe it continues to this day...
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
African lions in the wild feed first on the intestines of their
|
|
kills. For whatever's therein their bodies crave. Fat and vitamins.
|
|
Curious how the bodies of animals, even as yours and mine, send signals to
|
|
dictate diet. What do you suppose is in a salami sandwich to make it so
|
|
compelling?
|
|
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
|
|
Last issue, we played the first installment of the earliest (and
|
|
perhaps, even the original) copy of the BBS/Computer-World Classic:
|
|
DECWARS... It's hard to believe that such imaginative writing could have
|
|
come from somewhere east of Reseda but, believe it or not, it's true!
|
|
|
|
If someone out in our vast viewing audience has the inside on
|
|
whether (a) this piece IS the original and/or (b) there is more out there
|
|
that hasn't surfaced yet, PLEASE PLEASE let us know so that we can include
|
|
it in something called "The Further Continuing Saga of the Adventures of
|
|
Luke VaxHacker..."
|
|
|
|
So, without tiring your eyes and mind with too many big words, allow
|
|
me to present you with Part Two of the DecWars Anthology...
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A long time ago, on a node far, far away (from ucbvax)
|
|
a great Adventure (game?) took place...
|
|
|
|
XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X XX XXXXX XXXX X
|
|
X X X X X X X X X X X X X X
|
|
X X XXXXX X X X X X X X XXXX X
|
|
X X X X X XX X XXXXXX XXXXX X X
|
|
X X X X X XX XX X X X X X X
|
|
XXXXX XXXXXX XXXX X X X X X X XXXX X
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
THE CONTINUING SAGA OF THE ADVENTURES OF LUKE VAXHACKER
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"This is no regular file," murmured Kenobie. "Look at the ODS
|
|
directory structure ahead! They seem to have us in a tractor beam."
|
|
|
|
"There's no way we will unlink in time," said Solo. "We're going
|
|
in...."
|
|
|
|
...Well, fans, this is where we left you, and this is where we
|
|
pick up our heroes...
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
When we last left Luke, the Milliamp Falcon was being pulled down to
|
|
the open collector of the Administrative Are-Em Star Workstation. Dec Vadic
|
|
surveys the relic as Administrative Flunkies search for passengers...
|
|
|
|
"LS scan shows no one aboard, sir," was the report. Vadic was
|
|
unconvinced.
|
|
|
|
"Send a fully equipped Ncheck squad on board," he said. "I want
|
|
every inode checked out." He turned around (secondary channel) and stalked
|
|
off.
|
|
|
|
On board the Milliamp Falcon, .Luke was puzzled. "They just walked
|
|
in, looked around and walked off," he said. "Why didn't they see us?"
|
|
|
|
.Con smiled. "An old munchkin trick," he explained. "See that
|
|
period in front of your name?"
|
|
|
|
.Luke spun around, just in time to see the decimal point. "Where'd
|
|
that come from?" he asked.
|
|
|
|
"Spare decimal points lying around from the last time I fixed the
|
|
floating point accelerator," said .Con. "Handy for smuggling blocks accross
|
|
file system boundaries, but I never thought I'd have to use them on myself.
|
|
They aren't going to be fooled for long, though. We'd better figure a way
|
|
outa here."
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
At this point (.) the dialogue tends to wedge. Being the editor and
|
|
in total control of the situation, I think it would be best if we sort of
|
|
gronk the next few paragraphs. For those who care, our heroes find
|
|
themselves in a terminal room of the Workstation, having thrashed several
|
|
Flunkies to get there. For the rest of you, just keep banging the rocks
|
|
together, guys --- Editor
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Hold on," said Con. "It says we have `new mail.' Is that an
|
|
error?"
|
|
|
|
"%SYS-W-NORMAL, Normal, successful completion," said PDP-1.
|
|
"Doesn't look like it. I've found the inode for the Milliamp Falcon. It's
|
|
locked in kernel data space. I'll have to slip in and patch the reference
|
|
count, alone." He disappeared through a nearby entry point.
|
|
|
|
Meanwhile, RS232 found a serial port and logged in. His bell
|
|
started ringing loudly. "He keeps saying, `She's on line, she's on line',"
|
|
said 3CPU. "I believe he means Princess _LPA0:. She's being held on one of
|
|
the privileged levels."
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Once again, things get sticky, and the dialogue suffers the most damage.
|
|
After much handwaving and general flaming, they agree to rescue her.
|
|
They headed for the detention level, posing as Flunkies (which is hard
|
|
for most hackers) claiming that they had trapped the Bookie executing
|
|
an illegal racket. They reached the block where the Princess was locked
|
|
up and found only two guards in the header --- Editor
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Good day, eh?" said the first guard.
|
|
|
|
"How's it goin', eh?" said the other. "Like, what's that, eh?"
|
|
|
|
"Process transfer from block 1138, dev 10/9," said Con.
|
|
|
|
"Take off, it is not," said the first guard. "Nobody told US about
|
|
it, and we're not morons, eh?"
|
|
|
|
At this point (.), the Bookie started raving wildly, Con shouted
|
|
"Look out, he's loose!" and they all started blasting ROMs left and right.
|
|
The guards started to catch on and were about to issue a general wakeup when
|
|
the ROM blasters were turned on them.
|
|
|
|
"Quickly, now," said Con. "What buffer is she in? It's not going
|
|
to take long for these..."
|
|
|
|
The intercom receiver interrupted him, so he took out its firmware
|
|
with a short blast.
|
|
|
|
"...guys to figure out something is goin' on," he continued.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Ok, like, remember we left our heroes in the detention priority
|
|
level? Well, they're still there...
|
|
|
|
Luke quickly located the interface card and followed the cables to a
|
|
soundproof enclosure. He lifted the lid and peered at the mechanism inside.
|
|
|
|
"Aren't you a little slow for ECL?" printed princess _LPA0:.
|
|
|
|
"Wha? Oh, the Docksiders," stammered Luke. He took off his shoes
|
|
(for industry) and explained, "I've come relocate you. I'm Luke Vaxhacker."
|
|
|
|
Suddenly, forms started bursting around them. "They've blocked the
|
|
queue!" shouted Solo. "There's only one return from this stack!"
|
|
|
|
"OVER HERE!" printed _LPA0: with overstrikes. "THROUGH THIS
|
|
LOOPHOLE!"
|
|
|
|
Luke and the princess disappeared into a nearby feature.
|
|
|
|
"Gritch, gritch," mumbled Two Bacco, obviously reluctant to trust an
|
|
Administrative oversight.
|
|
|
|
"I don't care how crufty it is!" shouted Con, pushing the Bookie
|
|
toward the crock. "DPB yourself in there now!"
|
|
|
|
With one last blast that reprogrammed two flunkies, Con joined them.
|
|
The "feature" landed them right in the middle of the garbage collection
|
|
data. Pieces of data that hadn't been used in weeks floated past in a pool
|
|
of decaying bits.
|
|
|
|
"Bletch!" was Con's first comment. "Bletch, bletch," was his
|
|
second. The Bookie looked as if he'd just paid a long shot, and the odds in
|
|
this situation weren't much better.
|
|
|
|
Luke was polling the garbage when he stumbled upon a book with the
|
|
words "Don't Panic" inscribed in large, friendly letters on the cover.
|
|
"This can't possibly help us now," he said as he tossed the book away.
|
|
|
|
The Bookie was about to lay odds on it when Luke suddenly
|
|
disappeared. He popped up accross the pool, shouting, "This is no feature!
|
|
It's a bug!" and promptly vanished again.
|
|
|
|
Con and the princess were about to panic() when Luke reappeared.
|
|
"What happened?" they asked in parallel.
|
|
|
|
"I don't know," gasped Luke. "The bug just dissolved automagically.
|
|
Maybe it hit a breakpoint..."
|
|
|
|
"I don't think so," said Con. "Look how the pool is shrinking.
|
|
I've got a bad feeling about this..."
|
|
|
|
The princess was the first to realize what was going on. "They've
|
|
implemented a new compaction algorithm!" she exclaimed.
|
|
|
|
Luke remembered the pipe he had open to 3CPU. "Shut down garbage
|
|
collection on recursion level 5!" he shouted.
|
|
|
|
Back in the control room, RS232 searched the process table for the
|
|
lisp interpreter. "Hurry," sent 3CPU. "Hurry, hurry," added his other two
|
|
processors. RS232 found the interpreter, interrupted it, and altered the
|
|
stack frame they'd fallen into to allow a normal return.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Meanwhile, PDP-1 made his way deep into the core of the Workstation,
|
|
slipping from context to context, undetected through his manipulation of
|
|
label_t. Finally, causing a random trap (through nofault of his own) he
|
|
arrived at the inode table. Activity there was always high, but the Spl6
|
|
sentries were too secure in their knowledge that no user could interrupt
|
|
them to notice the bug that PDP-1 carefully introduced. On a passing iput,
|
|
he adjusted the device and inode numbers, maintaining parity, to free the
|
|
Milliamp Falcon. They would be long gone before the locked inode was
|
|
diagnosed...
|
|
|
|
Unobserved, he began traversing user structures to find the process
|
|
where the Milliamp Falcon was grounded. Finding it and switching context,
|
|
he discovered his priority weakened suddenly. "That's not very nice," was
|
|
all he could say before the cause of the obstruction became clear.
|
|
|
|
"I have been pausing a long time, PDP-1 Kenobi," rasped Dec Vadic.
|
|
"We meet again at last. The circuit has been completed."
|
|
|
|
They looped several times, locking byte sabers. Bit by bit, PDP-1
|
|
appeared to weaken. The fight had come into the address space of the
|
|
Milliamp Falcon, and provided the .di (diversion?) that allowed Luke and the
|
|
others to reassert control. Luke paused to watch the conflict.
|
|
|
|
"If my blade finds its mark," warned Kenobi, "you will be reduced to
|
|
so many bits. But if you slice me down, I will only gain computing power."
|
|
|
|
"Your documentation no longer confuses me, old version," growled
|
|
Vadic. "You are my Role MASTER now."
|
|
|
|
With one stroke, Vadic sliced Kenobi's last word. Unfortunately,
|
|
the word was still in Kenobi's throat. The word fell clean in two, but
|
|
Kenobi was nowhere to be found. Vadic noticed his victim's uid go negative,
|
|
just before he disappeared. Odd, he thought, since uids were unsigned...
|
|
|
|
Luke witnessed all this, and had to be dragged into the Milliamp
|
|
Falcon. Con Solo and Two Bacco maneuvered the Milliamp Falcon out of the
|
|
process, onto the bus and made straight for system space. 3CPU and RS232
|
|
were idle, for once. Princess _LPA0: tried to print comforting things for
|
|
him, but Luke was still hung from the loss of his friend. Then, seemingly
|
|
from nowhere, he thought he heard PDP-1's voice say,
|
|
|
|
"May the carrier be with you"
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
ADA: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
|
|
Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
|
|
awareness." Not useful for much else
|
|
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
|
|
Chocolate: Food of the Gods
|
|
|
|
If you consider yourself a "choco-holic", take heart, your passion
|
|
for chocolate is nothing new and you're certainly not alone in this love
|
|
affair. For hundreds of years people have been attracted to the delights of
|
|
cocoa and chocolate.
|
|
|
|
The cocoa bean comes from the evergreen Theobroma, which means "Food
|
|
of the Gods", and was already in the marketplace in pre-Columbian days. The
|
|
Aztec Indians roasted, husked and ground cocoa beans into a powder to which
|
|
they added water, vanilla and red peppers. They whisked this creation until
|
|
it was frothy and then enjoyed it as their version of instant hot cocoa.
|
|
Cortez found them sipping this beverage when he arrived in Mexico in 1518!
|
|
|
|
The Spaniards returned home with cocoa beans and vanilla. After
|
|
replacing the red peppers with sugar, Chocolate House began selling the
|
|
tempting beverage in Europe and the craze for hot cocoa soon spread
|
|
throughout the world.
|
|
|
|
In 1853, a mixture of sugar and cocoa butter constituted the first
|
|
chocolate bar. This was followed a few years later with the Swiss addition
|
|
of milk solids (12-22% now-a-days) and the development of milk chocolate,
|
|
which greatly increased the popularity of chocolate candy.
|
|
|
|
Today, the Swiss consume an average of over 16 pounds of chocolate
|
|
per person. Over 1 1/2 millions of cocoa beans are ground annually
|
|
thoughout the world, with the United States grinding approximately 21% of
|
|
the total. So, Choco-holics, take comfort in knowing that you're not alone
|
|
in your bingeing, and, in fact, your love of chocolate. "The food of the
|
|
Gods", is helping to perpetuate a tradition that is hundreds of years old!
|
|
|
|
- from the sale flyer, Cost Cutter Foods, in Bellingham -
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A fanatic is someone who can't change his mind and won't change the
|
|
subject
|
|
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
|
|
And now, for the news... With the exception of the news flash from
|
|
Nicaragua, all of the news this issue will be true just as it came off the
|
|
wire into our editing room. None of the facts have been changed to protect
|
|
the innocent, or anyone else for that matter... I wish we had more time
|
|
this issue, but the hope is that the quality will more than make up for the
|
|
lack of quantity...
|
|
|
|
A special thanx to John Walker, sysop of "Inner Sanctum", a computer
|
|
bulletin board in Seattle, for the exclusive NEWS FLASH from Nicaragua...
|
|
|
|
Behold...
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
NEWS FLASH --- from the Jungles of Nicaraugua.
|
|
|
|
General Seymour Fallopia reports that the contras are not
|
|
disheartened by the recent congressional vote against military aid to the
|
|
contras. In fact, they have taken heart at the success of recent attempts
|
|
to obtain humanitarian military aid. Fallopia reports that a new team of
|
|
bean counters has been hired to examine all aid from groups, such as the Red
|
|
Cross, to find ways of converting it to humanitarian military aid. In a
|
|
parallel effort, contra covert agents are scouring the world to find other
|
|
resources. General Fallopia is a widely experienced mercenary with many
|
|
medals and honors won through past efforts in Johannesburg, Ethiopia, Watts,
|
|
and Manila.
|
|
|
|
Finding a break in his busy filming schedule in Tokyo, the famous
|
|
movie star monster "Gamera" has been approached by covert contra operators.
|
|
Indications are that Gamera has tentatively agreed to help the contras in
|
|
their freedom fight, however all action which includes Gamera will be filmed
|
|
for possible inclusion in the next blockbuster smash hit, "Gamera versus
|
|
Ortega and the Feelthy Commies". Gamera, a giant monster turtle, 200 feet
|
|
long and 18,000 pounds, has considerable experience squashing hospitals and
|
|
eating metropolitan areas
|
|
|
|
- John Walker, 07 February 1988 (18:02) -
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
In 1972, a man walked into a California bank with a squirt gun and
|
|
handed the cashier a note that read "Milk, loaf of bread, pick up laundry."
|
|
After he panicked and ran, his car wouldn't start
|
|
|
|
[ed: Sometimes it just doesn't pay to get out of bed in the morning...]
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
[ed: And, it comes to pass, that more than a few people have had problems
|
|
with "effluence" during the month of May...]
|
|
|
|
A man who said he was injured when the portable toilet he was using
|
|
was pushed over filed a $53,220 suit against the Mount Angel Oktoberfest in
|
|
Marion County circuit court.
|
|
|
|
Robert Rispler, Portland, claimed the portable toilet was pushed
|
|
over by unruly patrons. His suit said he was "violently thrown about inside
|
|
said portable toilet and became intimately mixed with the contents thereof"
|
|
|
|
- 1978 Salem Oregon UPI -
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Organizers of the Commonwealth Games set in Edmonton (Alberta)
|
|
Canada, in 1978, will spend $50,000 to build a washroom at the stadium for
|
|
the exclusive use of the Queen. Canadians are calling it a "Royal Flush"
|
|
|
|
- 1978 -
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Pleasant Hill police installed a portable alarm system at a local
|
|
church in an effort to stop a rash of petty burglaries. The alarm was put
|
|
in the Hillcrest Congregational Church and hooked to sensors to trigger a
|
|
silent radio signal at the police station.
|
|
|
|
However, police arriving at the church over the weekend found the
|
|
entire alarm system was stolen. It was the only item missing, police said
|
|
|
|
- May 1978 -
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Young, skinny and timid chickens make the best flyers, according to
|
|
organizers of today's seventh annual International Chicken Flying Meet.
|
|
|
|
"The big egg-layers don't do very well," says Chicken Flying
|
|
Association spokesman Phil Porter.
|
|
|
|
About 150 chickens are expected to compete in this southeastern Ohio
|
|
community for a shot at the world record and a $500 first place for their
|
|
owners. Flying chickens are placed in a mailbox 10 feet off the ground by a
|
|
"flight director" who may nudge them with a toilet plunger, Porter said
|
|
yesterday in Columbus.
|
|
|
|
"It doesn't hurt them to be a little scared of people. When they
|
|
see huge crowds, they tend to fly better." Porter said contest rules allow
|
|
no exotic breeds, cross-breeds or other "non-chickens." An extension
|
|
service specialist will be at the contest to spot imposters, said Porter
|
|
|
|
- May 1978 Rio Grande Ohio AP -
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
[ed: It's entirely possible that you missed this political "exposee" when
|
|
it first came out, so we give you a second chance... I wonder if Gary Hart
|
|
has been interviewed on the same pages as Hunter Thompson...]
|
|
|
|
The friends of Paul Eckert, conservative candidate, were shocked to
|
|
read a newspaper story about him.
|
|
|
|
In one place, Eckert, the owner of a van and storage company, was
|
|
quoted as saying he likes Texas because "you can actually drive around there
|
|
drinking Wild Turkey out of the bottle and be admired for it by the police."
|
|
|
|
In another, the profile said Eckert views politics as "a form of
|
|
self-defense against politicians," and asks him: "Why did you come here
|
|
tonight?"
|
|
|
|
"The reply attributed to Eckert: "... to get some coke money."
|
|
|
|
The Blade-Tribune editors were stunned but quickly figured out that
|
|
their computer which puts stories in its memory and then into print had
|
|
somehow combined the Eckert interview with a story about a talk by "Gonzo
|
|
Journalist" Hunter Thompson before a college audience.
|
|
|
|
Managing Editor William Missett apologized to Eckert, a 44-year-old
|
|
candidate for San Diego county supervisor, and printed his story right in a
|
|
later issue. Missett said the mixup may have given Eckert unexpected
|
|
attention in his first race for public office and offered this tongue-in-
|
|
cheek consolation to the bewildered politician:
|
|
|
|
"A lot of people are saying that if Paul Eckert snorts coke, they're
|
|
going to vote for him"
|
|
|
|
- 14 May 1978 Oceanside AP -
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
"Sister Boom Boom" is getting married.
|
|
|
|
Jack Fertig, a 30-year-old gay social worker who grabs attention by
|
|
dressing in a nun's habit, said he and Mystie Gray, 32-year-old sex
|
|
therapist from Pittsburgh, were checking astrology charts for the perfect
|
|
date to wed.
|
|
|
|
"This doesn't make me any less gay," Fertig said.
|
|
|
|
Gray said she did not think of her husband-to-be as a homosexual.
|
|
"I see him as a man," she said. "I myself am sexual. It's a match made in
|
|
heaven. It couldn't be any more perfect."
|
|
|
|
She said her family took the news as well as could be expected. "My
|
|
father said, 'That's fabulous,'" she said. "'I've got a nun for a son-in-
|
|
law.' I think they think I'm joking."
|
|
|
|
On the practical side, Fertig said the marriage would allow them to
|
|
take advantages of benefits such as sharing pensions and insurance.
|
|
|
|
The couple said they have been deluged with offers from friends
|
|
wanting to design their dresses, act as bridal attendants and give away
|
|
whomever ends up being the bride.
|
|
|
|
As for wedding gifts, the couple says one friend already has
|
|
promised them leather sheets
|
|
|
|
- 12 May 1985 Seattle Times -
|
|
|
|
[ed: If I remember correctly, Sister Boom Boom also ran for public office a
|
|
few years before this "event" and did quite remarkably, considering...
|
|
Perhaps I should dig up that particular newsclip for the edification of the
|
|
reader?]
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A friend got on a Wien Air Alaska jet in Nome, bound for Anchorage.
|
|
After sitting in the plane for 20 minutes, he heard the jet engines shut
|
|
down. Moments later, a stewardess spoke through the cabin speakers, "Ladies
|
|
and gentlemen. Welcome aboard Wien Air Alaska. We are very sorry for the
|
|
delay we are experiencing. The pilot has heard strange noises coming from
|
|
one of the engines.
|
|
|
|
"We regret to announce that it will be approximately 30 minutes
|
|
before we find another pilot. Thank you"
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
After adding two weeks to the schedule for unexpected delays, add
|
|
two more for the unexpected, unexpected delays
|
|
|
|
============================================================================
|
|
|
|
And, last but not least, a few words of wisdom. It's true that man
|
|
does not live by bread alone, and we've pretty much proved that axiom with
|
|
these unusual masterpieces. To quote someone much smarter than I, "I am
|
|
non-denominational --- I accept all forms of currency. So, open your hearts
|
|
and empty your pockets!" A wonderful sentiment, don't you think?
|
|
|
|
If you should find it in your hearts to like what we are doing here,
|
|
and would like to help us stay in business AND solvent, please send your
|
|
non-tax-deductible donations in whatever amount pleases you to:
|
|
|
|
caren park
|
|
2557 Fourteenth Avenue West
|
|
Suite 501
|
|
Seattle, Washington 98119
|
|
|
|
(01 January 1992)
|
|
|
|
We will acknowledge, in print, those with the warmest thoughts for
|
|
our survival...
|
|
|
|
We leave you now with a few thoughts...
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three wise men of Gotham
|
|
Went to sea in a bowl;
|
|
If the bowl had been stronger,
|
|
My song would be longer
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
|
|
back
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
...until next month...
|