390 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
390 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
|
|
$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$
|
|
$$$$$$$$ HOLY TEMPLE of MASS CONSUMPTION $$$$$$$$$
|
|
$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$
|
|
$$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$
|
|
$$$$$$$ Issue #7 $$$$$$$$
|
|
$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$
|
|
$$$$$$$$$ Grinding "Bob"s bones into the Ultimate Hamburger $$$$$$$$$$
|
|
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
|
|
|
|
Contents:
|
|
|
|
Bowling for Grenades
|
|
The Good Humor Escapade, part 1
|
|
"Bob" and Slack
|
|
TV
|
|
Operation FindMuck, and How To Thwart It
|
|
SubGenius Calendar
|
|
|
|
For more info, send all your money to:
|
|
|
|
Holy Temple of Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu
|
|
PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET
|
|
Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
silver@xrtll.UUCP (Hi Ho Silver) writes:
|
|
> gypsy@alembic.acs.com (the dark girl) typed:
|
|
|
|
>> the people upstairs from us ... started making bowling balls in the
|
|
>> back bedroom and testing them by throwing them down the stairs.
|
|
|
|
> It would have been wholly irresponsible of them not to have done so.
|
|
> An untested bowling ball may have a hidden defect which could be
|
|
> uncovered at a very unfortunate time, causing grave injuries to
|
|
> innocent passersby.
|
|
|
|
An untested bowling ball sits in the rack, down at the Pizza and Bowl,
|
|
Twenty Lanes, No Waiting, on league night, fretting, fretting, fretting.
|
|
|
|
A pot-bellied, balding fellow who rents his bowling sneakers by the
|
|
hour, wears a white short sleeved sport shirt through which his
|
|
sleeveless tee-shirt and matted black chest hair is clearly visible,
|
|
smokes mentholated cigarettes, and smells of minty smoke, picks the ball
|
|
up with the gleam in his eye that says "this ball is going to take three
|
|
pins off my handicap today", and the ball starts to get real performance
|
|
anxiety.
|
|
|
|
And things go OK for a while, except that our hero is not rolling quite
|
|
up to par, and is starting to mutter under his breath that maybe this
|
|
_isn't_ the ball that is going to do magic for his game, and the ball
|
|
starts to burn with untrammeled insecurities.
|
|
|
|
And now it is the tenth frame, and our hero can still make a respectable
|
|
showing if he can pick up a 4-10 split, but as he's right handed this
|
|
one is a bitch to throw, so he glares at the ball and tells it to hook
|
|
or pay the consequences, and he winds up and prances to the foul line
|
|
and puts all the miseries of male pattern baldness, tobacco breath,
|
|
failing to live up to his teammates' expectations, and a string of
|
|
rejections from the bar girls running back five years into his throw.
|
|
|
|
And the ball screams down the left side of the alley, spinning like
|
|
mad, trying to get enough of a grip on the lane to hook a little to the
|
|
right and knock the four pin cleanly into the ten, and overdoes it, and
|
|
hits the four pin square on, and the undiscovered flaw gives way.
|
|
|
|
And the enormous pressure of distilled accumulated blazing angst, let
|
|
loose through poor quality control, throws screaming shrapnel across the
|
|
waiting bowlers in six lanes on either side, chopping them into messy,
|
|
irregular chunks of meat, plastic pocket protectors, rental shoes, thick
|
|
glasses, and cheap, gaudy hair ornaments, and the gutters run with blood,
|
|
and the air is full of the screams of the dying.
|
|
|
|
Kent, the man from xanth.
|
|
<xanthian@Zorch.SF-Bay.ORG> <xanthian@well.sf.ca.us>
|
|
--
|
|
Better let 'em test the bowling balls, dark lady; it's the humanitarian
|
|
thing to do. You test your guitar and amps at 2AM just to keep things
|
|
fair. Think quality control.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The Refined and Erudite Adventures of Captain Sodomy and His
|
|
Amazing Pastel-Colored Buick Regal.
|
|
|
|
"The Good Humor Escapade", Part 1
|
|
|
|
|
|
Hot summer days. My favorite. Little boys, little girls, faces caked with
|
|
grime that adheres to their sweat as they play in their little dirtpiles,
|
|
forming shapes that only their subconscious can identify. If one were to take
|
|
pictures of the formations in the mud and show them to these budding artists
|
|
upon their apex of sexual maturity, they would most probably blanch and deny
|
|
their own handiwork. Round mounds tipped with pebbles, long tumescent rounded
|
|
ridges, walled canals in the dirt to contain mysterious liquids...
|
|
|
|
I am their saviour of sweat, their salvation of saline solution that oozes
|
|
from their pores as the mercury oozes towards the top of the cheap thermometer
|
|
mounted on the doorframe of their ticky-tacky abodes of family apathy and
|
|
indifference. I am the one who brings them their sweet escapes, their cool
|
|
restful breaks in an otherwise monochrome collage of mindless sidewalk
|
|
activity.
|
|
|
|
I am the Good Humor Man.
|
|
|
|
I sell creamy globs and frosty concoctions from my white vehicle to these
|
|
playthings. As I cruise down their block in air-conditioned comfort, barely
|
|
recognizable cartoon blares distortedly from the open accepting mouth of the
|
|
converted megaphone atop the dusty white delivery van. The sound is like
|
|
pheromones to a moth. Clutching their shiny quarters in their tiny dirt-dull
|
|
hands, they race out of their swing sets, out of their Big Wheels, out of
|
|
their chalked-in confines of sidewalk to follow a slowly careening vehicle
|
|
of ice-cream dispensation in a youthful imitation of a bawdy conga line.
|
|
|
|
I stop the truck and move into the back, change dispenser at ready.
|
|
|
|
The children, sensing their iminent purchase, halt in their drunken
|
|
swaying parade, too expactant to be anything but silent. I let them hang
|
|
for a minute. The tension rises like over-yeasted bread dough set aside for
|
|
too long. I ready the freezers, opening the condensation-filmed steel doors.
|
|
The side panel swings up and out, and the kids ('prey', in my mental
|
|
dictionary) cluster around the open gateway to refreshment. They thrust
|
|
their cute little fists out, showing me faint glittery glimmers between the
|
|
fingers of a hand too small to successfully contain more than two quarters and
|
|
a dime. They all scream out their demands.
|
|
|
|
I do my best to serve them. Because I know that later, they'll serve me.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
In <2995@vela.acs.oakland.edu> atterlep@vela.acs.oakland.edu (Alan T. Terlep)
|
|
writes:
|
|
|
|
>I CAN"T BELIEVE IT!! For quite a while now I've been looking for an entrance
|
|
>into the world of Slack. I've heard only fragmented rumours of the existence
|
|
>of "that whole Bob thing",
|
|
>but I never thought I'd find them. So---what's the deal?
|
|
|
|
You see, Friend Alan, that's just the catch...
|
|
|
|
There is *no deal*.
|
|
|
|
You can buy a stick of gum, you can read a book on plumbing, you can rent
|
|
a roto-tiller, you can rob a pharmacy, you can borrow a condom. But
|
|
you can't *deal* in "Bob." Or, I mean, you can, or something.
|
|
|
|
PART 1 -- "The whole "Bob" thing"
|
|
"Bob" is an uncle of mine who lives in Fairlawn. "Bob" has a big
|
|
face with big features, and he does big things.
|
|
"Bob" is the guy who narrates the car rally commercials from the
|
|
Cow Palace to the Spectrum to the Meadlowlands. "40000 yard-feet of nitro
|
|
burning funny car POWER!! (power power power ower wer rr)" "Bob" came up
|
|
with the name of Anusol(tm) brand Anus treatment.
|
|
"Bob" sprays willing women's nipples with Alar. "Bob" is the special
|
|
consul to the police in the Philippines who shot a man today while he was
|
|
trying to commit suicide.
|
|
"Bob" is the voice on the second or third track of Negativland's
|
|
"Escape from Noise" album that mispronounces David "Magpie" Bowie's name.
|
|
"Bob" molested your Aunt Rhoda when she was in third grade. "Bob" gave
|
|
$666 dollars in counterfeit $3 to Oral Roberts. "Bob" *is* Oral Roberts,
|
|
especially the "Oral" part.
|
|
|
|
PART 2 -- "Slack"
|
|
There is no such thing as slack. Or there is, or something, but you
|
|
can't have it unless you don't want it, and everyone wants it. Or not,
|
|
or something.
|
|
|
|
Good luck. Buy The Book, and then send five times your purchase price
|
|
to:
|
|
|
|
World Otherness Ministries
|
|
P.O. Box 8502
|
|
Stanford, CA 94309-8502
|
|
|
|
Thank you.
|
|
|
|
--
|
|
# Daniel M. Rosenberg // Stanford CSLI // Chew my opinions,not Stanford's.
|
|
# dmr@csli.stanford.edu // decwrl!csli!dmr // dmr%csli@stanford.bitnet
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Shortly after being weaned from mother's milk, young children are
|
|
taught to absorb the junk food of television through their eyeballs.
|
|
|
|
"Here, kids, suck on this. Just be quiet and don't wake Daddy. If
|
|
you're good, you can watch all day, and if you don't see the fnords,
|
|
they won't eat you."
|
|
|
|
Parents are conditioned to feed this teenage mutant fuck you crap to
|
|
their kids so that what little brains they inherited from mom and dad
|
|
will be so hopelessly atrophied that the final brainwashing will be a
|
|
breeze.
|
|
|
|
Society has now degenerated to the point that when TV does try to put
|
|
out a good social message, they have to make it "following the rules,"
|
|
rather than "be a good citizen who occasionally gives two neurons
|
|
worth of thought toward a fellow human being."
|
|
|
|
Case in point: A Saturday morning "Public Service Announcement"
|
|
starring Conspiracy programmed robots that look like kids telling
|
|
other kids out there in the vast video wasteland to "Be Cool. Follow
|
|
the rules."
|
|
|
|
Oh, so back when we were growing up, it was OK to not bend to pressure
|
|
>from others. "Be yourself," they said. "Don't worry what other
|
|
people think. You don't have to do what everyone else tells you to do
|
|
to be cool," and nowadays they expect kids to knuckle under to the
|
|
peer pressure to "Follow the rules" when just a little while ago they
|
|
were saying that it's OK to be different.
|
|
|
|
I don't know about you, but my kids (when I get around to having some)
|
|
are damn sure not going to be little video perfect clones walking
|
|
around going "Be Cool. <whir> <click> Be Cool. <whir> <click> Follow
|
|
the rules. <whir> <click> Yes, officer my daddy was smoking something
|
|
that smelled funny. <whir> <click>"
|
|
|
|
Saturday morning cartoons and the blipverts in between them are a
|
|
prime example of the tools that the Con uses to control people. After
|
|
all, money isn't power. He has ultimate power over a thing who can
|
|
destroy that thing. The Con wants ultimate power over the human race.
|
|
Money is only a Con created tool which allows them to gather up the
|
|
real tools they need to exercise their ultimate power. Of course they
|
|
don't have any slack so they can't possibly realize that they will only
|
|
acheive ultimate power at the moment of their mutual destruction and
|
|
won't have even that moment to enjoy it.
|
|
|
|
There is no longer any slack in Saturday morning cartoons.
|
|
|
|
Except for Beetle Juice. <whir> <click>
|
|
|
|
--
|
|
Mc"B" - OverMan 1st Class of the Clench of the Stark Pistol of Removal.
|
|
Just say NO to the war on your freedom which, by the way, is being fought
|
|
with YOUR money.
|
|
|
|
-----
|
|
|
|
Q: Which of these is actually on my TV set right now?
|
|
|
|
a) "Star Trek: The Next Generation"--Mr. Data becomes addicted
|
|
to Nintendo and his head explodes and the Enterprise almost blows up but
|
|
five seconds before the show's over they push a button and it's all ok.
|
|
|
|
b) "Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous" visits Patty Hearst.
|
|
|
|
c) "The "Bob" Channel" begins broadcasting 25 hours a day
|
|
subliminally (across the bottom of the screen on all the other channels.)
|
|
|
|
d) Jay Leno announces that his guest host will be Lyndon LaRouche.
|
|
|
|
Send $1 for the answer.
|
|
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Operation FindMuck, and How To Thwart It
|
|
|
|
There has been an ongoing campaign by some local people to screw with people's
|
|
heads in every way possible. This "brute-force illumination technique" has
|
|
been dubbed "Operation FindMuck." There are some easy things YOU can do to
|
|
stymie and confuse these dastardly villains...
|
|
|
|
1. Write strange things on dollar bills and buy things with them.
|
|
|
|
2. Send ALL your money to the DobbsTown BBS's crack squad of anti-
|
|
FindMuck terrorist-guerilla-philosophers.
|
|
|
|
3. Print strange flyers asking for money to be sent here.
|
|
|
|
4. Walk around muttering the word "fnord" under your breath
|
|
constantly.
|
|
|
|
5. Oppose authority everywhere.
|
|
|
|
6. Upload the ASCII image of "Bob" into the "message to next caller"
|
|
of every board in town.
|
|
|
|
7. Hire a skywriter to write "SLACK" in the sky.
|
|
|
|
8. Repent, Quit your Job, and Slack Off.
|
|
|
|
If you follow these instructions, the FindMuckers are bound to be horribly
|
|
confused (even more so than they are now) and they will probably stop trying
|
|
to do whatever it is they are trying to do.
|
|
|
|
Whatever you do, kill "Bob" at every possible opportunity.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
This has been a public service announcement of Nobodies for Everybody.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
> It sure is convenient that all the major religions follow, or at least
|
|
> tolerate, the seven-day week. Image the hassle if half the country
|
|
> operated on (say) an eleven-day cycle.
|
|
|
|
Hehehe... Naive pink-boy.
|
|
|
|
Naturally, the true SubGenius favours a 13 day week with two rest days. 13013,
|
|
the Holy Number of "Bob", tells us this.
|
|
|
|
13013 = 13 0 13 <- "Thirteen! Oh, [I see,] Thirteen!" - number of days in week.
|
|
^-^-^---- "Two numbers [of] about zero" - two days of rest.
|
|
|
|
The original X-ist names for the thirteen days are:
|
|
|
|
Oneday - First day of the week.
|
|
Chewsday - Day of Holy Junk-food Frenzy.
|
|
Whensday - The SubGenius may proclaim Whensday whenever he wishes, at any
|
|
position within the SubGenius calendar week, according to choice.
|
|
It is the first day of rest. Once it has been taken, the remaining
|
|
days continue in sequence until the week has been filled.
|
|
Turdsday - Day of Sacred Excremeditation.
|
|
Flyday - Traditionally, the day on which X-ist saucers are sent on missions
|
|
to raid Earth and harass pinks.
|
|
Satallday - The second Holy Day of Rest.
|
|
Gunday - A time to prepare for the difficult times ahead in 1998.
|
|
Pinkday - The day on which most pink-harassment occurs.
|
|
Krillday - Origin unknown.
|
|
Fropday - A day for sacred frop-based rituals.
|
|
Slackday - Mistakenly thought by pinks to be a day of rest, it is in reality
|
|
the day which commemorates J.R. "Bob" Dobbs' discovery of Slack.
|
|
"Bob"day - Presumed to commemorate the birth of Dobbs.
|
|
Xday - The final day of the week; not to be confused with X-day, which
|
|
is the-final-day-period.
|
|
|
|
I hope that that explains everything. If not, try The Book.
|
|
|
|
mathew.
|
|
Hamburgers for WOTAN, Inc.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I walked in to the Burger King the
|
|
@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ other day, and told the woman at the
|
|
@@@@@@ @@@@@@ register that I had misdialed Fiji.
|
|
@@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ She said she couldn't give me instant
|
|
@@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@ credit. I said, "AT&T always did".
|
|
@@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ She blubbered, "But you're not dealing
|
|
@@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ with AT&T!" "Well I am NOW!" I said
|
|
@@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@ O @@@ as I stormed out the door. Then I
|
|
@@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ walked to the nearest pay phone,called
|
|
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } @@@ the operator and ordered a Whopper.
|
|
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@
|
|
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@
|
|
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@
|
|
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ $ $ $ $ $
|
|
@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ 1 3 0 1 3
|
|
@@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@
|
|
@@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@
|
|
@@@@ _~ ,en, `@@@~ en `@ ]l J@@@
|
|
@@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@ |
|
|
@@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@ -+-
|
|
@@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@ j
|
|
@@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@
|
|
@@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@ His Rightful Assholiness
|
|
@@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
|
|
@@@@@_ @@@@@@ @@ @@@@@@@@@@ ;$@@@@
|
|
@@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w, wU@@w'],@@@@@@
|
|
@@@@@@@ @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@ $20
|
|
@@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@
|
|
@@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@
|
|
@@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@ D R O N F The pipe is
|
|
@@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@ R N alive!
|
|
@@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ O O
|
|
@@@@@@@@@ @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@ N R
|
|
@@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ F N O R D
|
|
@@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ @@@@@@@@@
|
|
@@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@ Pen up your Nose! No One is Safe!
|
|
@@@ , ,ww,w@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@@
|
|
@@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@
|
|
@@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@P _@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Send all soiled female underwear to:
|
|
@@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@
|
|
@@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Holy Temple of Mass Consumption
|
|
@@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ PO Box 30904
|
|
@@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Raleigh, NC 27622
|
|
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
|
|
Holy Temple of Mass $ >>> slack@ncsu.edu <<< $ "My used underwear
|
|
Consumption! $ $ is legal tender in
|
|
PO Box 30904 $ BBS: (919) 782-3095 $ 28 countries!"
|
|
Raleigh, NC 27622 $ Warning: I hoard pennies. $ --"Bob"
|
|
|
|
|