333 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
333 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$ C H U R C H of the S U B G E N I U S $$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$ *N*E*W*S $$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$ Issue #4 $$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$ Praise "Bob" Kill "Bob" Eat "Bob" Fnord "Bob $$$$$$$$$$
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$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
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Contents:
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What is SLACK?
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Witness for "Bob"
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Tearing Down the Malls
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Just who the hell is this "Bob" guy, anyway?
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Clench Update
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Update from Santa Cruz 25 Hour Clench
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For more info, send all your money to:
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Holy Temple of Mass Consumption SLACK@ncsu.edu
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PO Box 30904 netoprwa@ncsuvm.BITNET
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Raleigh, NC 27622 Finer BBS's everywhere
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Slack is a warm puppy.
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Slack is a gigantic warm-fuzzy, wrapped around a steaming, bloody dagger.
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Slack is like alt.sex, but without the calm, accepting charm.
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Slack is what "Bob" brings to all of us.
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Slack is in Dan Quayle. Slack is in COBOL. Slack is in the walking dead.
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Slack is in really, really bad haiku.
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William Shakespeare has slack. Dodobirds had slack, but they died.
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Salack is slack misspelled.
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Freud had no slack. Oral Robert's only slack is in his name.
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When you have slack, the world beats a path to your door, and then ties you
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up and licks warm mayonaisse of your nipples. When you have no slack, the
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world beats up up, turtles piss on you, and big, ugly, hairy guys named Bruno
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sodomize you repeatedly. Which is better? You be the judge.
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This is not to say I have anything in particular against being sodomized by
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big, ugly, hairy guys named Bruno. Hell, everyone needs a hobby. It's just
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not for me. And I have no slack. So there.
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Slack is warm and slippery. WHen you have lots of slack, it oozes out of
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you, and lightly coats your floor, and sticks to your shoes.
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Slack is in hostess twinkees.
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Slack is in Plan Nine From Outer Space.
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Slack is in The Witches.
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Slack is not in Darkman.
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Slack is really sort of sweet and smurflike, and you want to love everything
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and be sweet and buy carebears and then RIP THEIR HEADS OFF AND SHIT ON THEM
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AND DESECRATE AND BURN THE LITTLE RATFUCKERS. Slack is full of
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contradictions, and is good.
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Slack is a warm puppy.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
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....herein lies my witnessing to the power of "Bob":
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My car was stolen while I was reveling in Slack at WICN, a public station,
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gleefully playing tunes for my audience [small as it is]. Well, I finally
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arrived home [after having been given a Test to see if I still exercise my Sense
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of Humour] at 06h00...attempting to sleep [and failing], I was moved to get out
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of bed at about 8ish as one of my Friendly Neighbors thought that 8 in the
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morning is a good time to save my soul with cheezy gospel tunes [the ones that
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all sound the same-- a sustain-by-vibrato on every word]. I was rolling in my
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angst until about 11ish, when I decided to hear the "What did we tell you about
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that town" lecture from my father; I wound up hanging up, very -ahem- distraught
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and Slackless. Glenn was headed to That's Entertainment, so I felt the need to
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tag along. I recouped my lost Slack by pouring over lurid pulp comics, and
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feeling generally good.
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I went back to my place refreshed, only to have to deal with my father trying
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to harrass me more. While I was being harrassed, Jeremey [mpython] burst in
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with words that I will never forget: "I found your fuckin car, man!" I hung up
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on my father, grabbed the flak jacket and zoomed out the door. Two blocks from
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my house, I found it there...intact...with junk food wrappers all up in it and
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tghe only [visible] damage beyond scratches and minor dents was that they had
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cracked the column to get it going.
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Needless to say, I was elated...I looked up from the car...and there, there
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RIGHT where the car was ditched not TWO blocks from my house...THERE, sprayed
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on the concrete...was a Dobbshead and the message: "Slack".
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Jeremey is now the longest-lasting ShortDurPerSav that I have ever had. He is
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marked by Dobbs...Honour him...
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Disclaimer: "I'm the only one foolish enough to claim these opinions as mine."
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------------Reality---------------------------Outside----------
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INet: crimson@wpi.wpi.edu 100 Insitute Rd #296
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UUNet: ...!wpi!crimson Worcester MA 01609
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Others: crimson%<your favorite gateway here>@wpi.wpi.edu
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Blue Blaze Irregular Havoc In The Society: Bronnton of Atlantia
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Rev. Dkr. Nick LaRG0, ASC of the First Orthodox MegaSpooTemple of the
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Squirting Yeti Dobbs, Clench of the Unrepentant Gunman and Shrine of the
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Sacred Bleeding Head.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"He's seeing monsters. He's losing his mind and he feels it going."
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Last Friday I went to the mall to be a Part of the Problem, on this,
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the busiest shopping day of the year.
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Yeah!
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I went to Dillards and bitched the lady out for not having the right
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color of perfume! "My girlfriend wants blue, dammit, blue!!"
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(I don't even have a girlfriend...)
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Yeah!
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And I bought a Hot Dog, with Ketchup and Mustard, and a Pepsi, a
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Medium Pepsi, "that'll be 89 cents for your Pepsi, sir..." and
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sat down on the bench and ate the hell out of my Hot Dog, much
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to the unhappiness of a couple grils who passing by on their
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way to J C Penny's 5% off sale, for they really hate it when
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strange xibotic characters eat the hell out of Hot Dogs in public.
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"Grosssss!" she said. That's what she said.
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Yeah!
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And I went to the arcade, to vent my frustrations of not having anyone
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to buy presents for, cuz I have no girlfriend, and don't particularly
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like my family, they live in Texas anyway, so I go into the arcade, to
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play SmashTV for a couple hours, but they don't have SmashTV, so I smash
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a couple other CRT's and come out even MORE frustrated then before.
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"Mommy, that guy just smashed Ms.Pacman!"
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Yeah!
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So back into the Mall go I. Walking along past the Radio Shack, where
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they're having a 3 1/2 % off sale on items they've been selling for
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the past 15 years. "Only $999 for this cruddy old XT-compatible computer!"
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"Comes with DOS!" So I go into Radio Shack, where they have bins of
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batteries, separated by type, and I MIX up the contents of the bins,
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so every bin has every type of battery, and then I walk out.
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"Can I sign you up for our catalog mail service, sir?" "No! Fuck off!"
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Yeah!
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And I walk by these two pretty sorority babes who've just came out
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of a shoe store where they've bought three pairs of high heels. I hate
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high heels. Every time I see high heels I think of the abuse the spikes
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are doing the floor, and I just wanna scream. So I do.
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And they give me nervous looks and run away.
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Yeah!
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Next thing I know I'm in a toy store and I'm buying this ultra-realistic
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copy of the AK-47, wondering why a toy has to be so realistic, but anyway,
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I take the copy, and I go to Santa Claus, and I walk over the barriers,
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and all the children scream, "he's cheating!" and take a little girl out
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of Santa's lap and I throw her back into the crowds, and I prod the AK-47
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into Santa's belly, and the Elf, Santa's helper, yells "Omigod he's taken
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Santa Claus HOSTAGE!"
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"AAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" I screamed, maniacally, as all the people
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and the snotty little kids run away.
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And then the security guards came and I ran like hell.
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And that's how I celebrated Thanksgiving.
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Xibo
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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In article <3753@qip.UUCP>, bobm@qip.UUCP (Bob Maccione) writes:
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> OK, could somebody please explain 'slack' and BoB ( or is it bob ) to me.
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> I asked everybody here and no-one knows ( or else they aren't telling ).
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> I think I saw the bob you all talk about in the Badger comic book awhile
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> back. Guy with a suit and a pipe, right ?
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No. "Bob" was the pipe with the guy and a suit. "Bob" was the suit with a
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guy and a pipe. "Bob" was the region of 4-space which was hollowed out by
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the guy with the suit and the pipe. "Bob" was the region between the ink
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and the page. "Bob" is what you read when you read between the lines on a
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blank sheet of paper. "Bob" is the sound of one hand picking wallets.
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You can learn even less about "Bob" by going to a bookstore and buying the
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"Book of the SubGenius." You may even be able to find The Book at a library,
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but it will be in a welded, lead-lined safe in the Rare and Ancient Book
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section.
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The less you know about "Bob" the closer to "Bob" you are. "Bob" himself is
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COMPLETELY IGNORANT of his own existance. Praise be to "Bob"!!
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--
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John Woods, Charles River Data Systems, Framingham MA, (508) 626-1101
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...!decvax!frog!john, john@frog.UUCP, ...!mit-eddie!jfw, jfw@eddie.mit.edu
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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I thought you all would like to be informed of the tremendous existance of
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the Goddess of the Northeastern United States, Tennessee, Arkansas,
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Cleveland and Tulsa in the church of the SubGenius(the church being
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something I haven't heard mentioned at all on this news group). She
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is the most incredible female anyone will ever be cognizant of in
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their lifetime. Seriously. She does the Rochester, NY version of
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the Hour of Slack, and all the hierarchs want to make mad passion-
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ate love to her. Just listen to either KPFA or KNON. SHe loves you,
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and y'all should love her too. Eris played euchre with her in college
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and agrees she is worthy of your attentions. Very, extremely humble, too.
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Watch for her in the next Stark Fist (called the Stark Filth) and
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Factsheet 5. Not that I'm advertising for her wonderfulness, but if
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you'd like to send her money, or just experience for yourself the only
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female avatar fof slack(and a nice, smart girl too) you can contact\
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her at pobox 18754, Rochester NY 14618.
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Remember, GOBI, she's neat, sweet, has great feet, knows her glands
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and can whip Nhee Ghee's butt in a second. Connie is jealous of her!
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Yes well, here is a latest update from the Santa Cruz 25 Hour Clench.
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If ya'll don't know where Santa Cruz is, well lets just say that
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its the same town that is depicted in the movie Lost Boys. Its
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much spookier than that though.... The Boardwalk (the amusement
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park from the movie) is opening a Two-Story Indoor Miniature Golf
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Course. This alone makes this town a mondo-bizarro cool place to
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hang and chase bobbies. Killer Clowns from Outer Space was also
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filmed here...
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We have a *huge* SubGenius colony here. Ya can't go too far in this
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town without seein that piped-and-'smilin face starin right back at ya.
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Under bridges, on cars, deep in the forest, in the bookstores, and
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especially on our gleaming campus of UC Santa Cruz (or is it UC
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Santa Carla???) that overlooks the Monterey Bay.
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Some of the Reverends in Residence here are:
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Rev. Kareem du Gristle (myself)
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Rev. Patio Daddy-o
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Rev. Banshee
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Rev. Chroma
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Rev. Seaweed (Demi-glob Seaweed)
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Rev. Superior
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Rev. Borneo (king of the free faxin of "Bob" to random places)
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Rev. Madwoman
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Rev. Lorax (Dominatrix Maximus)
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Rev. Das (famous for his Negativland work on Escape from Noise)
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Rev. Sarahel
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Rev. Pseudo
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Rev. Uberbutt (Uberman inc)
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Rev. Crisper Diction
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this to name a few....
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I recently had a "Bob" face starin out at a large campus wide
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lip-sync contest, and had a "Bobtar" on stage with me during our
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rendition of "Sweat Loaf" by the Butthole Surfers.
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Soon, the band NoMeansNo will play here. These true musical gods
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are immortalized in a quote from their song The Day Everything Became
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Nothing: "Its weird being a Bob, but I'll get used to it, I'll have to!"
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As far as "Bob" TV appearances are concerned, we have all seen the
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automobile ad with the "YIELD TO BOB" signs all over it...
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But a much more notable appearance is at the end of the movie
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Cleopatra Jones, when she walks away after vanquishing the bad guys,
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"Bob" piped and smiling, looks on from the crowd.... very clear
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sighting there....
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enjoy jello,
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Rev. Kareem du Gristle
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ A lonely women fled down the street.
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@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@ She was angry at the world and
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@@@@@@ @@@@@@ generally unhappy. Then she tripped
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@@@@@ w ww wi @@@@@ over a rock and became enlightened.
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@@@@, ~ ~~ ~I @@@@
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@@@@' ; ,-@< @@@@ Her lightness was very contagious
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@@@@ _eW@@@ `@@@ and with a few days her entire town
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@@@@ @@@@@@@q j@@@@@@@ O @@@ was enlightened and by the end of the
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@ month, a crisis crisis was felt in
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ } @@@ full force.
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@ Then it wore off and everyone got
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@~ ; @@@ back to fighting, lying and generally
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[] | ]@@@ being unhappy. It seems that her
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@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | @@@ enlightenment was not a Bud
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@@@@ ~_._ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@ enlightenment.
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@@@@ ;;- `@@@@@' @@@
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@@@@ _~ ,en, `@@@~ en `@ ]l J@@@
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@@@@ -()- @@@/ _-()- @ ]L @@@
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@@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@
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@@@@ . @@ @ @@@~-zz..@@@ ][ @@@@
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@@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@
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@@@@. @@@@&&&@@@ @@&@@@@@@@@@@@[ @@@@
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@@@@@ || @@@@@@P' @@Q@@@@@@@@@@@[:C@@@@ J. R. "Bob" Dobbs
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@@@@@_ @@@@@@ @@ @@@@@@@@@@ ;$@@@@
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@@@@@@w| '@@P~ ,@@@@-w, wU@@w'],@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@ @@ P]@@@=~j ~Y@@^ ] @@@@@@ $20
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@@@@@@@_ !@@t+ ~~ ]]@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@[ - -J@@T# @@@@@@ YOU'VE ONLY GOT EIGHT YEARS, PINK BOY
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@@@@@@@@,@ @@, _,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@ @ @@ C !@@ @@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@ i @w. ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@ @2' '@@@@~ @@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@@`,P~ / ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ F N O R D
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@@@@@@@@@@@. y @@@@ @@@@@@@@@
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@@@@^^=^@@^ ^' .@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@
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@@@ , ,ww,w@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@@_xJw w , @@@@@@@&~_@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@ @~ ~ ,@ @@@@@@@P _@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@ U. ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@ v; @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@~ _-@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Holy Temple of Mass $ >>> slack@ncsu.edu <<< $ "My used underwear
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Consumption! $ $ is legal tender in
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PO Box 30904 $ BBS: (919) 782-3095 $ 28 countries!"
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Raleigh, NC 27622 $ Warning: I hoard pennies. $ --"Bob"
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