textfiles/magazines/HOE/hoe-1088.txt

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     $$     .d""b. .d""b.                  HOE E'ZINE #1088
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     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$ss$$              "The Nature of The Male"
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$                          by, Effy
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$  $$                      06/07/00
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     $$  $$ "TssT" "TssT"

        Due to the text file scene being primarily populated by the power of
 the XY chromosome, it seems only natural, if not a bit redundant (like this
 sentence), for these leaky pots of testosterone to write text files about
 chicks, how to get them, how much they suck, and how they won't put out.  I
 suppose there's nothing wrong with that, in a literary sense.  Mogel is
 known for his sure-fire ways to get luscious babes to fall for you, and
 Quarex is widely recognized for his soul wrenching rants of trauma over
 women, while AIDS is known to terrorize the egos of all female writers in
 general.

        I don't know where I first got the sensation that sounding even
 remotely feminist strikes itself as very uncool with me, but this text file
 might give off that aura.  I apologize for that, because I'm all for
 equality, and I don't see women as better than men, or vice versa.  Men
 have every right to complain if they're hurt by a callous, wretched bitch,
 but in most scenarios, it is just their pride that is hurt, and they never
 really loved the cunt anyway.  It's the nature of the Male.

        However, despite my near acceptance of his nature, I would just like
 to take this moment to attempt to offend every male who is reading this
 file.  You're all complete jerk-offs.  You're assholes.  If I had a dick,
 I would tell you to get down on your shaking knees and blow me like
 inflating a white water raft.  And I'm going to bring you all down to your
 knees begging for forgiveness before I'm done listing your worst of the
 worst attributes.  If you're a real man, you won't be offended, because
 you're realize simply that these attributes are embedded in your genetic
 code, and there is no altering mother nature's decision to make you all
 cunt grubbing pig slime.

        Let us count down from 10 to 1.

 #10 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:

        --LEAVING THE TOILET SEAT UP.  Okay.  Please, next time I have to
 piss like a russian race horse, please, won't you *please* leave the toilet
 seat up so I can get your crusty, diseased pubic hairs and last night's
 beer vomit all over my ass?!?!  I mean, really.  Sometimes a girl doesn't
 have TIME to inspect the seating state of the throne before she takes
 reign.

 #9 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:

        --GRABBING YOURSELF.  What, are you afraid that your dick and balls
 are going to fall off if you don't keep checking to make sure they're still
 there?  Is the evil package thief going to come and sneak off with your
 little organ in the dead of the night?  Tell me, I'd REALLY like to know
 why there seems to be a magnetic force between your hand and your love
 jungle.

 #8 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:

        --THE BLONDE BABE OBSESSION.  Why are chicks with yellow hair and
 brown skin attractive?  I think they look like a fecal (not to mention
 fetal) accident.  I would think that all that sun would kill off a lot of
 brain cells.  But it's not like that would matter to a you as a man,
 because most men rid themselves of most normal thought processes by
 consuming excessive alcohol.  Therefore, I can understand how your
 judgement is impaired, and you are more susceptible to the raging libido of
 these blonde sluts.

 #7 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:

        --THE LESBIAN FETISH.  Well, lemme tell you, it sure turns me on to
 see two guys wanking each other from behind; line up a few more homos and
 you got yourself a string of Christmas lights.  Why the fuck do lesbians
 turn guys on more than heterosexual acts?  Are men so horrified at the
 sight of their own genitalia?  Are you all homophobic bastards?  Are you
 closet cases?  You're all gay motherfuckers.

 #6 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:

        --THE INTERNET PORN ADDICTION.  I find it extremely disturbing to
 think about the fact that almost every one of you who has the internet
 (that would be all of you reading this, wouldn't it) has jerked off while
 looking at pictures of Madonna taking on an entire baseball team, Janet
 Reno giving a dog head, Bill and Monica having a smokin' time, or _Young
 Barely Legal Teenage Lesbian Sluts Caught On Video_.  If any of your keys
 stick boys, we know why.  You skanky perverts can't hide your actions in
 the closet any fucking longer.

 #5 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:

        --THE MALE POTHEAD.  I admit I love smoking herb, but a male who
 lives on it has problems.  My friend's former boyfriend grew his own pot,
 and smoked it fiendishly.  It took him ten minutes to get enough into
 foreplay to take off his shirt, and a good hour before penetration was
 even a consideration.

 #4 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:

        --MEN ON IRC.  I could write an entire text file about you pathetic
 assholes.  You're all 135 pound weaklings with puny dicks who talk all big
 and bad in an intellectually insulting, profane manner.  But your attempt
 at this facade of greatness is as effective as treatment for AIDS.

 #3 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:

        --UNRELIABILITY.  This goes for every single one of you.  We *HATE
 YOU* when you say you're going to call and you don't.  We *HATE YOU* when
 you forget our plans because you slept in because you drank too much and
 smoked too much the night before and can't drag your faggy ass out of bed.
 You'll never be able to do anything right.  We *HATE YOU* when you do
 anything, period.

 #2 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:

        --SIZEMATIC SUPERIORITY.  I know you have the biggest dick in the
 entire world.  I know your sack holds the most sperm.  I relish the fact
 that your penis has the circumference of a sequoia tree trunk.  Please, put
 that elongated blue tank inside me and rip my insides to shreds.  Please
 let me choke on your big German bratwurst; I just can't help myself.
 FUCKING PLEASE!#$!@

 And finally, The #1 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:

        --CONQUESTS.  Yeah, I'm a man, I'LL SHAG THAT BITCH LIKE THE OTHER
 6,383,197 CUNT RAGS I'VE NAILED TODAY; THAT'S JUST ANOTHER ONE FOR THE
 RECORD MAN; MOST OF 'EM WERE BLONDES BUT THERE WERE A FEW HUNDRED THOUSAND
 BRUNETTES AND A FISTFULL OF REDHEADS, NOT TO MENTION ALL THE ASIAN VIRGINS
 I'VE DEMORALIZED.  DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THE ENTIRE CONVENT I TOOK ON?
 YEAH MAN, I TOLD THEM I WAS JESUS AND THE ONLY WAY THEY WOULD GO TO HEAVEN
 WAS BY BLOWING MY SACRED ROD; YOU KNOW MY DICK IS SHAPED LIKE A CROSS SO
 THREE GODLY BITCHES COULD SUCK IT AT ONCE.  AND, STRICTLY MAN TO MAN OF
 COURSE, I WANNA TELL YOU THAT YOU HAVE A REALLY NICE ASS, AND WELL, I'D
 LIKE TO TOUCH IT BECAUSE I'M REALLY A RAINBOW FLAMING GAY LUSTER; I GIVE
 EVERYONE THE IMAGE THAT I'M HOMOPHOBIC BECAUSE I LIKE LESBIANS AND I HAVE
 A BIG MANLY DICK AND GOD DAMN YOU'RE BLONDE LIKE A BEACH BOY AND WOULD YOU
 PLEASE PISS ON MY FACE BECAUSE MY GIRLFRIEND WILL BE UPSET IF YOU LEAVE THE
 TOILET SEAT UP AND YEAH I'M A MAN'S MAN I'VE HAD MORE MEN THAN WOMEN AND
 YOU'LL BE NUMBER 7,000,000 SO LET'S FUCK THE FUCK ON, DADDY.  DO YOU MIND
 IF I CALL YOU DADDY?

        You can't really blame a man for being a man, but you can bitch
 about him.  It sometimes helps bring solace to a bitch to accept the fact
 that God is forcing the cunt rag to sleep with such sacks of shit in order
 to get off.  Because acceptance is the key to survival, you know.  Men put
 up with us whores because we're a good lay, and they can pretend they're a
 lesbian.  In essence, men and women both quite literally suck.  I just
 thought I would bring some support to the other side of the argument in
 the ever raging, underground, text file gender war.

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 [ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu        HOE #1088, BY EFFY - 6/07/00 ]