91 lines
4.6 KiB
Plaintext
91 lines
4.6 KiB
Plaintext
s$
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$$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1083
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[-- $$""b. $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
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$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ss$$ "Planting Trees for Tony Danza"
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$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ by Ninja Sloth
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$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ 05/21/00
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[-- $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
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$$ $$ "TssT" "TssT"
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1987: thrust into the universe from a vagrant pot-holder and a burlap
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rummage sack at 8:09 pacific standard time, reginald sprang from a
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dusty womb and was crowned PRINCE OF ALABASTER.
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1988: malnourished strikes our hero, and a severe case of the gout leaves
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him with a deviated septum and a swollen abdomen (think ethiopia).
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prince reginald visits uncle steve and discovers the game _cookie
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dough_ in grandpa's crotch.
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1989: a peter gabriel song changes the life of reginald while his father
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tragically dies from asbestos mixed with his daily gin and tonic,
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plus his mother gets _the clap_.
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1990: prince reginald acquires his second uterus and begins taking those
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crucial first steps that should be captured with a kodak insta-matik
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camera ("ribbed for her pleasure"). his mother yearns for the day
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when he too will become a real estate agent so as to annoy
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residential home-owners with quaint note pads that offer the local
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community agent's picture at the top left corner. reginald's
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vocabulary has now surpassed _hooked on phonics_ and is encouraged to
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begin reading some of the literary masterpieces such as _frog & toad_
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and _charlotte's web_.
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1991: denying the wishes of his mother, reginald graduates harvard, but
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does not seek a future with century real estate. with college behind
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him, he begins to realize that though he is a now an educated
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citizen, he still has yet to achieve the act of taking four whole
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steps in a row. tragedy strikes--another death in the family,
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magdolin the pantry whore has passed away after visiting aunt flo.
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1992: with a degree in the fine art of drunk choreography, reginald heads
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on over to colma, california ("everyone's favorite necropolis").
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upon visiting "lucky chance casino", he meets someone who knows
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someone who in turn knows some jack-ass that gets him a few
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guest-spots on mtv's ailing _120 minutes_ and then receives a revlon
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commercial with duff.
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1993: he meets eleanor verdum, the love of this life. together they adopt
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a physically-challenged half bonsai half-flippered man-boy from the
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circus. at once they have a steamy love affair--again tragedy
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strikes.
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1994: eleanor loses her left leg and will never be able to dance in
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another paula abdul video again. while recuperating she falls for
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emilio estevez, who had previously been having a romantic
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relationship with one of the male teen stars of mighty ducks.
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reginald is heart broken.
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1995: after a run in with the law, he had tried to buy eight hot-dog buns
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instead of ten, he is committed to a mental aviary for flightless
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birds of prey.
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1996: he begins to have reoccurring dreams of magdolin the pantry whore,
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and seeks pre-menstrual consultation from his 7th grade gym teacher,
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ms. staluka. reginald's mother has yet to speak to him since his
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graduation, but that will not damper his spirits, seeing as he is
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pitching a new sitcom for NBC (keywords never heard before: "fresh,
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witty, 20 something's with a quirky appeal").
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1997: reginald loses his seventh toe in a drunken tirade in a bar. the
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brawl leads to an intoxicated sailor [for respect for his family
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we'll call him Mackenzie O'Riordan] tearing his shoe off and removing
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his seventh toe only to place it in a bowl of kraft's macaroni and
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cheese.
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1998: reginald loses a pint of blood flossing his teeth one morning and is
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committed to the aviary once again.
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1999: after fully recovering, he heads on over to israel with a gaggle of
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heroin-addicted penguins and the physically-challenged half bonsai
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half-flippered man-boy, to plant trees in memory of his idol,
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TONY DANZA.
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2000: reginald now resides in an affordably quaint suburban neighborhood
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known as meadow view, situated closely to outlet malls with easy
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access to the freeway. reginald has gas.
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-end of transmission-
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[-------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu #1083, BY NINJA SLOTH - 5/21/00 ]
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