169 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
169 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
s$
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$$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1061
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[-- $$""b. $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
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$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ss$$ "Joey The Teenage Menstrual Blood Vampire"
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$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ by Insert Wu Name Here
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$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ 04/18/00
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[-- $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
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$$ $$ "TssT" "TssT"
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Joey was staying out late, smoking pot, and talking about _Spawn_
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comics. He was hanging out with his friends at an old highway overpass.
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Joey wore vans sneakers and listened to Israeli Punk bands who wrote songs
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about cumming in the face of American virgins.
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"Lets go buy mushrooms and break stuff," Joey told his friends.
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All Joey's friends thought he was hard-core because of all of his good
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ideas. "We can get shrooms at Tina's house."
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Tina was a Goth girl who sold drugs and painted pictures of Trent
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Reznor with her own blood. When Joey was in grade Eight he wrote Tina a
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poem that didn't rhyme. It was about how great her ass looked. Tina
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said the poem was beautiful and gave Joey head. The next night Tina lit
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candles made out of dead children and saw an oracle who looked quite a bit
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like Charlie Sheen. The oracle told Tina that her and Joey were never
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meant to be. After that Joey and Tina only had casual sex together once
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in awhile, like when a new Radio Head video came out and reminded them
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how deep life really is, when you really think about it.
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The trip to Tina's house was uneventful. Joey and his friends
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threw rocks at cars and some one found a dead badger. They cut it open
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with a safety pin that was once in some ones nipple. They threw the
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badger at cars, screaming "Lupha sponge!! Lupha! Lupha!" Then they
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smoked another joint and went into a 7-11, and because he was an
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anarchist, Joey took a dump in the corner of the store where the fridge
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of near beer was. Joey's friends stole a box pixy stix.
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When Joey and his friends got to Tina's, there was a goth party
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happening. There were thousands (or at least twenty) hair dyed, leather
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clad creatures of the night mulling about. They were lighting candles,
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listening to the Cure and talking about Ann Rice novels. Joey and his
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crew found Tina sitting in the floor of her kitchen writing a poem about
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bleeding sex organs with a red magic marker circa 1984.
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"Hey there," Tina said when she saw Joey. She was stoned.
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"Hey. We want to buy drugs," he told her.
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"Not tonight, man," she told Joey. "Tonight the drugs are free."
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Tina made Tea with magic mushrooms and passed out cups to
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everybody. Sometimes she had to ask Joey's friends to stop screaming
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"Hell yeah, we're partying with the vampire bitches!" When they quieted
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down everybody went to the basement, smoked some hydro and watched _The
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Crow_ on DVD.
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While they were in the basement, Tina introduced Joey to Gwendolyn.
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"Joey, this is my friend Gwendolyn. I want you to meet her."
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"Hi," Joey said to Gwendolyn. He was stoned.
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"Hi," Gwendolyn said to Joey. She was stoned.
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Gwendolyn was a 6-foot-tall sex pot. She wore fish-net stockings,
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a leather skirt and a halter-top made entirely out of electrical tape that
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showed both her nipples. Her hair was dyed blood red and her eyes had
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the look of the cat who had sex with the canary. Joey and Gwendolyn
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stayed up all night talking.
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"You have a great ass," he told her.
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"Tina was right about you," Gwendolyn said. "You're the boy for
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me. Now, and forever." She dragged him in to Tina's room and locked the
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door. Gwendolyn threw Joey down and pinned him to the floor. She bared
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her fangs, ripped off all Joey's clothes, and bit his penis. Gwendolyn's
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fangs sank deep into Joey's teenage member. He wanted to scream, but
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soon everything faded in to darkness.
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Joey awoke the next night, naked on the floor of a crypt. His
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heart wasn't beating. He was in the arms of Gwendolyn. At first he
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thought the pot he smoked was from Hawaii or the shrooms he ate were bad
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or something. Soon he realized it was far more trippy than that. Soon
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he realized it was real. Gwendolyn held Joey in her arms and looked at
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him lovingly.
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"You're a vampire now," she told him, "We'll be together forever."
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Gwendolyn and Joey fucked liked Kennedys. They fucked till they were
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tired and sticky.
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"I love you," Joey said to Gwendolyn.
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"Let's go buy some pot and drink blood," Gwendolyn replied. It was
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a good idea, and Joey agreed. Gwendolyn dyed Joey's hair black and gave
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him clothes to wear. She burned his vans and gave him a pair of shiny
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combat boots, 'cause combat boots are cool. As they left the crypt,
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Gwendolyn told Joey all the things that could kill him.
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"Crossbow arrows can kill you, and wooden stakes can kill you, and
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sunlight can kill you, but crosses and holy water don't do anything,
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because religion is just a lie that oil companies told the world years
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ago."
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"What about garlic?"
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"It just tastes bad."
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They walked through the graveyard smiling. The night sky was
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serene and haunting, and crackheads whispered as they smoked drugs by
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the gravestones. Joey thought that he and Gwendolyn would be together
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forever. He thought they would always be happy. He thought that for the
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first time in his whole life things were starting to make sense. That's
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when the priests came and ruined it all.
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Tina was a narc working for the oil companies. She ratted on
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Gwendolyn after their first lesbian experience when Gwendolyn showed Tina
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her fangs. The priests were waiting outside the crypt that night and
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surrounded Joey and Gwendolyn.
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"Die you spawns of Satan!!" The priests shouted.
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"Fuck you!!! You Nazi Fuckers!!!" Gwendolyn screamed. Gwendolyn
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was tougher than a navy seal, and could kick more ass than Tank Abbot.
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She attacked the priests with all her fury. She snapped necks, ripped off
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arms, and kicked crotches. Joey, with his new found vampire strength,
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helped her kick some Catholic ass. The priests were prepared, though,
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and they had wooden stakes, kevlar jackets, and cross bows. They shot
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Gwendolyn with arrows until one pierced her heart, and she burst into
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flames.
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Gwendolyn's screams filled the air until her body was engulfed by
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fire. Soon she was no more. Joey's heart broke as he saw his first true
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love die before him. He wanted to cry. He wanted to kick some ass!
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Joey savagely attacked the priests. He shot them with their own crossbows,
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he stabbed them with their own wooden stakes, he crushed their brains
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with the one-inch-punch, and snapped their necks with round house kicks.
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He didn't stop until all the priests were dead. Then Joey fell to the
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ground and wept over the loss of the only girl he ever really loved.
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Dawn was approaching, so he ran to the woods and hid in a cave
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that he and his friends used to smoke drugs in.
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The next night, Joey was scared and alone and hungry. He was hungry
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for blood, but not just any blood--he was hungry for menstrual blood. He
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knew because the voices in his head told him. It all made sense. His
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vampire senses were more intense than his human ones, it was like bad
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acid. The scent of flow grabbed on to Joey's skull and refused to let go.
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He followed it all the way to the house of Mrs. Jenkins, his
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substitute Math teacher. Joey rang the bell. When Mrs. Jenkins answered
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the door, Joey knew exactly what to say.
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"Hi. I'm collecting donations for poor Asian kids in Cambodia who
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can't afford Pokemon toys."
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"You kind little soul. Come in... I'll get my wallet."
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As Joey walk inside, he barred his fangs. Mrs. Jenkins screamed.
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She started to cry. She was afraid. She thought Joey turned into one of
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those crazed Marilyn Manson fans they were always talking about on _Hard
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Copy_.
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It was all too much for Joey. He didn't want to see another
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innocent person hurt. He thought of Gwendolyn and it made him think of
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all the beauty in the world and how it never has a chance to survive
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because its always being destroyed by Catholics, and little league coaches
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and republicans. Joey sat on the floor and started to cry. He didn't
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want to be the cause of misery, no matter what the voices in his head
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told him. His body ached with hunger pains and his heart ached with
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sorrow.
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"I'm sorry I came here," Joey told Mrs Jenkins. I'm going to
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leave now. I'd rather starve to death than cause hurt and take beauty
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away from the world. Joey got up to leave. He was going to go outside
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and wait for the sun to end his life. It was all he could do.
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"Don't go," Mrs. Jenkins said. "What do you need?" She felt
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sorry for Joey and was deeply moved by his words and actions.
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"Menstrual blood. I need to drink menstrual blood or I'll die."
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"Well then, come here," she said to Joey. "I guess I can help you
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after all. My husband is with the kids at lacrosse practice, so we have
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a few hours. Mrs. Jenkins Took off all her clothes. She had gigantic
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breasts and a tan line that made her look like an expensive hooker in a
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Czechoslovakian stag movie. She embraced Joey and removed her tampon.
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Carefully and gently Joey drank the good drink. His fangs nipped
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at Mrs. Jenkins' tender bits, and they both realized the his fangs
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released an aphrodisiac. While he drank her menstrual blood, Joey messaged
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Mrs. Jenkins' peach fish. Vampire tongues are magic tongues and can rub
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a woman's G-spot more times than Warren Beatty. Soon, Mrs. Jenkins was a
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sweaty, euphoric river of vaginal fluid.
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When it was all over, her life had changed. She was enlightened,
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and happy, and never again suffered cramps or bloating. She put her
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clothes on and handed Joey a moist towellette.
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"You have a gift," she told him. "If you just be your self and
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respect the feelings of other people, you will always find happiness."
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"Thank you," Joey told Mrs. Jenkins. "Thank you for everything!
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Well... I better get going."
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"Okay, take care." She kissed Joey on the cheek. "See you in
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thirty days!" The night sky was luminous as Joey walk back to the cave
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in the forest. He felt like a monk in a kung-fu movie. The hurt was
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still there, but he knew if tried, he could find solace.
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Somewhere it was waiting for him.
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[-------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) HOE E'ZINE - http://www.hoe.nu BY INSERT WU NAME HERE - 4/18/00 ]
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