117 lines
5.9 KiB
Plaintext
117 lines
5.9 KiB
Plaintext
s$
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$$ .d""b. .d""b. HOE E'ZINE #1055
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[-- $$""b. $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
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$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ss$$ "LatinMan's Guide to Getting Chickas"
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$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ by, LatinMan
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$$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ 04/07/00
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[-- $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
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$$ $$ "TssT" "TssT"
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Greetings this is LatinMan, the latino ladies man. This pamphlet
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is for all of you who try your damnedest to be a latino mack but just come
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up a bit short. To help with some of your dating needs I have enclosed
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some scenarios that all macks are faced with at one time or another, test
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yourself on how much of a latino papi you are. Add your points up at the
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end to see how well you are able to mack the wimmens.
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Scenario 1: You an yo boyz be hangin out on da' corner at a
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bodega an a fly azz chicka stuffed into a pair of tight ass dazy dukes
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walks by carrying a bag of groceries humming Oye Como Va. Do you:
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a: Say, "Greetings Ma'am, top of the morning to ya'. Would you
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like some help with those bags you're carrying?"
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b: Say, "Damn girl, that blouse is very becoming of you, hell if I
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was that close to you I would becumming on you too."
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c: Say, "OYE MAMI, COME OVER HERE SO WE CAN MULTIPLY LIKE FUQIN
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COCKAROACHES!!"
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d: Combination of A. and C.
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Answer: If you chose A or C you get 1 point for partial credit,
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if you chose B. you don't get any credit for using a lame ass line from
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the 70s. The correct answer is D. Combination of A. and C which gives you
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5 points if you chose it. Yeah, she may look like a hot mami, but is she
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a Mommi to a bunch of rug rats? To make sure either way, you come out
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with, "OYE MAMI, LET ME CARRY YOUR BAGS FOR YOU, DON'T WANT YOU TO GET
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EXHAUSTED BEFORE WE MULTIPLY LIKE COCKAROACHES." After her obviously
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being completely turned on by your comment, you look into her bag and look
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for any pampers, baby bottles, cereal, or any other shit dealing with
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kids. If you see any baby shit, this will be the perfect time to test out
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your new pair of Payless shoes as you run in the opposite direction. You
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wont get any ass but you'll get some free groceries.
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Scenario 2: You an yo boyz be chillin at the local Salsa club
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lookin for some mo' fly azz chickas. An ol' friend of yo's from dat one
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class you took at Community College be walkin past you, do you:
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a: Start a conversation with her cuz she's kinda cute.
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b: Grab her head and shove it towards your crotch.
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c: Go towards the other side of the club to avoid her completely.
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d: All of the above.
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Answer: If you chose A, B, or C you get the partial credit of 1
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point. The correct answer is D. All of the above which gives you only 2
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points because it was an easy question. Yeah dat hoe is cute as hell, and
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yes she will be on your crotch sometimes tonight, but you must not let yo
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boyz know that you were ever in college. Even if it was that one day you
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went into a class because you thought it was the AA meeting. You must
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always make sure your boyz know that there isn't one part of your body
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that has ever seeked higher education, if you do, you'll lose all respect
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from them. Without your boyz, who the hell are you going to hang out
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with?
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Scenario 3: You be on yo first date with some hoe you met at the
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welfare office. (If you didn't already know, the welfare office is where
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you find the loosest chickas refer to page 69 in "Where da hoes be at
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mang?" by LatinMan for further information.) Where do you take her:
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a: McDonalds
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b: Burger King
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c: White Castle
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d: None of the Above.
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Answer: No point for any answer other then D. None of the Above,
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which is the right answer and gives you 5 points. You don't want ANYONE
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you know seeing you with this ugly bitch in public. Tell her you want to
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make a "Romantic Meal" for her and invite her to your house. Make sure to
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spray the furniture with tick repelant prior to her coming over, and make
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sure all the sofas have the original plastic covering on them. (Need more
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info and preparation for an Ugly Hoe refer to, "GOD DAMN SHE UGLY" by
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LatinMan.)
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Scenario 4: Continuation of Scenario 3. You got Cujo a lil
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arroused by sitting her on the chair that had a heating pad hidden inside
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of it, now what do you do:
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a: Turn on some Ricky Martin on low.
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b: Turn on some Ricky Martin on medium.
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c: Turn on some Ricky Martin on high.
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d: No music at all.
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Answer: Of course it's C so there's no credit at all on this
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question, but if you answered wrong please begin bashing your head with a
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Ricky Martin CD now. You've seen this chick in just about every 70s porno
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movie you have ever seen. She's the ugly chick that gets it towards the
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end of the movie. (Director's put her here because most guys cum within
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the opening credits so there is little chance of her being seen.) Using
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your knowledge of porn, you will know that the ugly chick ALWAYS screams
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the most for some god damn reason. Having the music on high will make
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sure that no one on your floor will think that you're watching some
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Discovery channel show that has a walrus being humped on by an elephant
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anally. If she'll let you, try to stuff her mouth up with her panties so
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as little noise as possible escapes her bovine lips.
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Point Totals:
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10 or More -> Playa of LatinMan status.
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6-9 -> On your way to macking the hootchies with the best of em.
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5 and under -> You're probably a cracka and should not buy any
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more of my materials.
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That is all for "LatinMan's Guide to Getting Chickas." I hope
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this pamphlet helps you as it has helped millions of wannabe latinos
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around the world. Please keep a look out for further productions of my
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award winning materials.
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[-------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu HOE #1055, BY LATINMAN - 4/07/00 ]
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