148 lines
7.2 KiB
Plaintext
148 lines
7.2 KiB
Plaintext
,...
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$$$$T""P$$$ba, ,gd&P""T&bg. ,gd&P""T&bg.
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gggggggggg $$$$ $$$$$b d$$$$ $$$$b d$$$$ $$$$$b ggggggggggg
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"""""""""" $$$$ $$$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$ $$$$$bxxP&$$&P """""""""""
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$$$$ $$$$$$ T$$$$ $$$$P T$$$$
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$$$""""" " """" $$$$$$ "T&$bxxd$&P" "T&$bxx$$$$$' " """""$$$
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""" """""" """
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ggg "Precursor" ggg
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$$$ by -> Caitlin $$$
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$$$ $$$
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$$$ (* HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #902 -- 11/29/99 *) .,$$$
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`""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""`
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I am staring across the classroom at a face that's become more
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familiar over the past few days. At first disgusted - now I've come to
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entertain these frequent meetings of our eyes (mine and his) with a
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smile and a wink. I never thought I'd be so brave.
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I like watching him watch me. Sometimes I pretend he can't see
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me. Sometimes I wait until i catch his eyes then smile and avert my eyes
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to the chalk board quickly. The litany... the music we make each time our
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stares collide is enough to keep me motivated for the next few months.
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When will tenth grade ever end?
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- So, in my cynicism, I barely said hello before he realized i was
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curious. I think he had a hole in his smile that sort of caught me in a
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trap. -
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He's staring at me again. I wonder, what's so fascinating about
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girls with red hair and red lips and small rib cages and big hips. Maybe
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I should finish my biology homework.
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Did it ever occur to him that maybe I'm not so pretty without
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makeup on? Haha. Maybe underneath my clothing I look like a pear... I
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don't know if my round rear end is green.
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I feel really pretty today. I've got on black vinyl platforms I
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had my mother buy for me off of ebay. Sometimes middle class is so ...
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comforting. Or maybe just comfortable. I dislike the lack of stability,
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but hell.. what can I say.. I get what I want. (almost always)
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My standards aren't too high, I suppose. I'm staring back and him
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and realizing what a loser he is. I think he's 17 and won't graduate
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even if he goes to summer school and night school and passes all his
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classes in the future. He's got pretty lips and a cute nose for a boy.
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- I think I have this inferiority problem... where I convince myself
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everyone is much more complex then they really are and mainly.. more
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complex then me. -
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I'm beginning to think something is wrong with myself. I mean, how
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can he possibly stare at me this much and think that I don't know. Don't
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know.. something.
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`-`-`-`-`--`-`-`-`-`-`-
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I just left his house. He is definitely the best kisser out of..
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haha.. well... everyone. He's so fucking ignorant too. I sat and smoked
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all his cigarettes while he extended his opinion on music and school and
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police. It was fairly amusing, but hell... I tuned him out most of the
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time. He's no different from a lot of people I am forced to interact with
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in school.
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I'm laying in my bed, not wondering about my future or much of
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anything else... except why he kisses so good. Maybe I am under some sort
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of spell. I wonder if anyone from Wayne, Michigan would be spiritually
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strong enough to force people to do things with their own will. It sounds
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like a bad movie.
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How ironic. It just occurred to me that I may be getting the
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highest grade in Biology, and he may be getting the lowest. Or, maybe his
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loser friend is. Actually, his friend, Matt, I've known for quite some
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time. He was the fat boy in elementary school who the girls didn't like.
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He used to be really nice. My mom gave him thousands of baseball cards
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one time. I can't remember exactly why my mom starting collecting sports
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cards in the first place, but it didn't last long.
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My nails look kind of long this week. Maybe it's because I
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haven't been playing my violin much anymore.
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I can't believe I am getting an A in literature/composition. My
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teacher is amazing. She doesn't do anything except give extra credit for
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bringing in food for her. She would be so little and petite if she wasn't
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so fat. Her feet must be at least size 4 or 5. Her average weight should
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be about 100 lbs. She's really short.
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- What is it about obesity that makes people so uncomfortable? I sure
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as hell know it isn't the seven deadly sins. Some people dig that shit
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though, Have you ever seen some of those talk shows? -
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``-`-`-`-`---`-`-`-`--`
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- Were those computer voices some sort of pretext for the future? -
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Why the hell don't I sell that electric guitar? I'd take $300 for
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it, and it's in perfect condition. I think it's been played all of two
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times. It's worth like $1100.
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- I wonder where this anger has came from. I used to pretend I had it.
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Or maybe I genuinely thought that's what it was. I hope I get into
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college -
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Jesus Christ, my mom decided she doesn't care if I don't go to
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college. That's good. I can't possibly endure more years of direction and
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learning. What the hell is education anyway? The state curriculum is
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stupid. My school is stupid. My teachers are lazy and most of them don't
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care about us anyway. I hate.
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- I've been trying to stay motivated. I wonder where this sudden
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emergence of beauty came from. I don't drink soda anymore. I don't
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eat hamburgers. I don't wish ill upon anyone who doesn't deserve it. I
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don't meditate. I eat granola cereal for breakfast almost everyday. I'm
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an angel, I think. Or maybe just a revolutionary.
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Or.. maybe I am just one of god's warriors; maybe I'm here to spy. Or
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maybe I'm just a flower who's seen more then all of these seeds and
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bulbs. I haven't played violin in about 5 months. I haven't made love
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in 2 weeks. I can't even get off anymore manually. -
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So I went to his house again today. That was the most pathetic
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excuse for oral sex I've ever endured. First he just kind of poked his
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tongue around like a .. I don't know, like he was trying to tenderize
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meat. Disgusting. Then he just sat up and said "I know I'm horrible..
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I'm sorry." I laughed and said I'd teach him a thing or two.
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- I can't believe I told him I'd never had an orgasm with anyone before
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in my life. -
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"And I've just got one more thing to tell you.. cuz words are
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vitamins and life is short."
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I've got a hunch that something is about to happen. I read some
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articles mentioning that humanity or society is.. anticipating..
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something. Yes, I agree. I feel like I'm at such a dead end. Some boy
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said my clavicle is sexy today. Some boy also asked me to give him head.
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Jesus Christ, and I laugh and laugh, and do nothing besides. Well,
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sometimes i just make odd face and ask if i can copy their homework.
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- I'm so proud of my 4.0 but I really don't feel any different. I feel
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like the middle stage of pokemon evolution. I know everything, but
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something else is on it's way. Metapod. Butterfree. Beautiful voices.
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Maybe if I pray for sanity I'll see the future. -
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #902 - WRITTEN BY: CAITLIN - 11/29/99 ]
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