257 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
257 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #808
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "The Five Worst Songs of ALL TIME"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Phairgirl
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 9/1/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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Preface:
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I listen to a lot of various types of music; however, there's a lot I
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don't listen to also. I have decided to exclude from my list the genres of
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rap and country altogether because otherwise I'd have entire genres on my
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list, and that's not fair simply because I can't properly judge what makes
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for good rap and country (although I think I could judge good rap pretty
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well, I still think that 95% of it is crap).
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Also, there are no Spice Girls or Hanson or any of that on this list,
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because that is all inherently crap. Nobody needs to tell you that a song
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by the Spice Girls or Hanson is going to be crap, because that reputation
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precedes it. This is also the reason why there is no sappy R Kelly-type R&B
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ballad bullshit on this list. Generally, the songs maintained within are of
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genres that I like, but have some very very bad seeds that have to be
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exposed. I wouldn't feel right saying I like classic rock if I couldn't
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make an exclusion or two.
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Anyway. Yeah. Avoid these at all costs, except maybe simply to hear
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the standards by which you should judge all music.
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[-----]
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5. "Summer Breeze," the Type O Negative version
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There is something that people of the world must realize right now:
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THIS SONG IS NOT EVEN REMOTELY CUTE. Like many Anne Rice sheep from back in
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the day, I too purchased Type O Negative's "Bloody Kisses," because Peter
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Steele looked like a vampire and sounded evil and gothy. But even the sheep
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that I seemed to be could not completely fall victim to a horrible song
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redone in the most horrid way. Granted, "Summer Breeze," the original
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version made by a no-name one-hit-wonder AM-radio-bullshit band that nobody
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remembers was never a gem. The verses were good, but when it hit the
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chorus, it all just fell apart. So what was Type O thinking? Never mind--
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this is what they were thinking: "Hey, let's do something ORIGINAL and COOL
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and remake a lofty shitty sixties song that nobody would ever expect us to
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remake!#@! That would be the coolest!#@! We are so goth!#@! [Puking
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blood]" However, this idea falls very flat, and the very mention of this
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song around me will force me to also puke blood.
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4. "You're So Vain" by Carly Simon
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When I was growing up in welfare land, my mom was in college. At the
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dinner table and while she was studying, we had an ancient AM radio that was
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always on 1490, WDBQ (in Dubuque, the only other AM option was KDTH, which
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plays big band music almost exclusively). This would not have bothered me
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much at all, because I learned a lot about the good, bad, and ugly of the
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history of music, except the programmer seemed to REALLY LIKE Carly Simon.
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Okay, I can handle that, too. However, I also believe his favorite song was
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"You're So Vain," and this is where my tolerance ended. Even in fifth grade
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and my horrible New Kids On The Block music taste could discern how awful
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this song is. Granted, now that I am older, I understand the song a little
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more and the reasons why it exists. However, if I hear one more awful
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metaphor like "clouds in my coffee" in a song EVER AGAIN, someone must die.
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Also, as my sister and I would complain for hours, "THIS SONG IS A TRAP!
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WHAT IF IT _IS_ ABOUT YOU? THEN YOU'RE NOT BEING VAIN! THEN SHE'S JUST
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TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT! WHAT A BITCH!"
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3. "Nookie" by Limp Bizkit
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Maybe it's not fair for me to put such a new song on my list; after
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all, the other songs are all pretty old, and they've had quite a long time
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to sink in and irritate me through and through. However, there's a special
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case for everything, and Limp Bizkit definitely filled my criteria for Pure
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Crap.
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I have to say, it's not so much the music in this song that annoys
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me, but they lyrics, and this might be the only reason why it isn't number
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one on this list. Granted, I don't like Limp Bizkit in general due mostly
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to parties that played NOTHING BUT, but that's irrelevant at this point. I
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simply have a problem with this stupidity:
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I DID IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIE
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YEAH, THE NOOKIE
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SO YOU CAN TAKE THAT COOKIE
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AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS.
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Because, as we all know, THESE LYRICS MAKE A LOT OF COHERENT SENSE.
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Ummm, cookie? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? COOKIE???
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What the FUCK does a COOKIE have to do with anything?
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I have decided that THIS is how the guys in Limp Bizkit wrote the
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song:
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"Dude, I'm so fried"
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"Yeah, man, so am I."
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"Dude, you wanna hear something funny?"
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"Yeah, man, what."
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[anticipation]
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"NOOKIE"
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"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
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"Dude, that's the funniest shit I've EVER HEARD. I'm gonna write a
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song called "NOOKIE" just for you, man."
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"RAD MAN, THANKS! Pass the bowl, will ya?"
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[later]
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"Dude, what rhymes with nookie?"
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"HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA YOU SAID NOOKIE"
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"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA YEAH MAN"
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"Ummm, dude, the only things that rhyme with nookie are "bookie" and
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"cookie." Are you gonna write a song about your bookie getting some
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nookie?"
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"Nah, man, I'll work that cookie in there _somehow_."
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"Cookies are GAY, MAN. I'LL STICK THAT COOKIE UP YOUR ASS!"
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"YEAH!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!! COOKIE UP YOUR ASS, MAN!!!!!!!!"
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Hurrah! A masterpiece is born.
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2. "Kathmandu" by Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band
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This song is the only song that has ever actually made me throw a
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radio. I used to work at 7am every Sunday for about an eight-month run, and
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of course we would listen to the radio. Unfortunately, because of all the
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hills in the area, we could only get in four local stations: one was soft
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rock (NOT good at 7am), one was popular music (gag), one was country (oh
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yes, PLEASE, ugh baby YEAH gimme more of that), and the other was one was
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KGRR, Dubuque's only independently owned and operated radio station. It
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plays a classic rock format, tending to play a lot of the stuff the
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mainstream classic rock stations don't play often. And some sick
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programming manager there apparently thought "Kathmandu" didn't get enough
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mainstream airplay.
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EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY they would play "Kathmandu" before they switched
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to a satellite-fed show of some type, and EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY I would turn
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the station to fuzz, unplug it, or just complain nonstop until it was over.
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You see, "Kathmandu" features many irritating facets and would DEFINITELY be
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my number one choice if only one more horrid song did not exist.
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a) It is 6-7 minutes long.
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b) It has maybe 20 actual words in the song, repeated in various forms.
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c) It gets stuck in your head worse than any kind of glue.
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d) There are too many instruments in the song for no reason.
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If you have never heard "Kathmandu," it is written in a 12-bar style,
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with a happy, jumpy, piano-and-guitar rockabilly thing going on, much like
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something written by, oh, Bob Seger. Any moron could have written this.
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I do not know the lyrics by heart, but I am going to attempt to
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emulate one verse. Keep in mind that even though I do not know the actual
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lyrics, these might very well BE the actual lyrics, as any tweaking of the
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formula will result in further verses:
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I THINK I'M GOING TO KATHMANDU
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THAT'S REALLY REALLY WHAT I'M GONNA DO
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IF I EVER GET OUT OF HERE
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THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO
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KA KA KA KA KA KA KATHMANDU
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IT'S REALLY REALLY WHAT I WANNA DO
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AND IF I EVER GET OUT OF HERE
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I'M GOING TO KATHMANDU
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The worst feature of this song, however, is that just when you think
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it's over, just when the music is winding down, just when its big finish
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approaches... IT STARTS BACK UP AGAIN FOR ANOTHER MINUTE OF HELL.
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I know what you're thinking. How can it get WORSE than that?
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Well...
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1. "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen
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Oh. I do not even know how to describe the horror, the sheer
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awfulness, the utter complete rage inside of me that boils when this song
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should start to play anywhere near me.
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Maybe it's the lyrics themselves, which cry of pain and anguish and
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the utter inability to function when not in a relationship. That, my
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friends, is why I hate 90% of the people on this planet and will never be
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able to tolerate the Backstreet Boys. It's that mentality that has lead our
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society to such horrible things as The Gap and body glitter. Nobody should
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live their lives simply to be a part of a twosome. I highly advocate the
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mass suicides of anyone who does.
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Maybe it's Eric Carmen himself, with his COMPLETE AND UTTERLY AWFUL
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WHINEY VOICE FROM THE NETHER REGIONS OF HELL. Sure, there are worse whiney
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voices, like Chris DeBurgh or the guy who sings "Without You" (I can't think
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of his name, but you know the song: "Can't live, if living is without you/
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can't GIIIIIIVE, can't GIIIIIIVE ANYMOOOOOORE," Mariah Carey did a remake of
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it about a year ago). And granted, "Without You" is an awful enough song,
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except for the fact that I like the way that song begins, which is what
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saves it from this Eric Carmen fate.
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There are two distinct covers of this song that exist (possibly more,
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but I don't care about any others). One gives this song the true credit it
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deserves, and the other turns it into a gigantic shitpile, not really
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improving it but at least eliminating Eric Carmen's voice. One was done by
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Babes In Toyland, the other by Celine Dion. Guess who did what.
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Celine Dion's version is just as crappy as the original, except you
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get the added advantage of having Celine Dion shit all over something, which
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we ALL REALLY WANTED TO HEAR, much like everything else that dribbles out of
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her mouth. I would rather listen to her version, however, than Eric
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Carmen's. Therefore, Celine Dion turned it into a shitpile.
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Babes in Toyland, the garagey-punky-shitty girl band, came out with a
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truly awful album, _Nemesisters_, which basically made all their fans forget
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how cool their older stuff was by creating the ultimate unlistenable album.
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However, the only shining light on this disc was their version of "All By
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Myself," which only people as obsessed with hating Eric Carmen as me can
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appreciate. The song begins with a fucked up piano intro, half the notes
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played off-tempo, and Kat Bjelland's voice sounding like a dying cat in
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heat. It climaxes with her screaming at the top of her lungs several times
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and mock-sobbing at the true soulful sadness of having to be ALL BY MYSELF.
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Therefore, Babes in Toyland gives this song the credit it deserves.
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RUNNERS-UP:
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"Ramblin' Man" by the Allman Brothers
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"Mr. Roboto" by Styx (declared by my old roommates as THE worst song of all
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time)
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"Sister Christian" by Night Ranger
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"Keep the Faith" by Bon Jovi
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"She's Tight" by Cheap Trick
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"Young American" by David Bowie
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...and oh-so-many more.
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I'm not sure if I can possibly convince other people about the evils
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and horrors of music such as this. Many people disagree with me and think
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I listen to "crap." However, well, just fuck you, okay? Because these
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songs SUCK, and if you don't agree with me, I'm not going to cry while you
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flood your brain with this crap. I'm just going to find some way to make
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sure you die before you breed.
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[--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #808 - WRITTEN BY: PHAIRGIRL - 9/1/99 ]
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