111 lines
7.2 KiB
Plaintext
111 lines
7.2 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #807
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "A Lost Highway"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Gideon
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 9/1/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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A lost highway. A fear of the night. A distaste of your motion. A
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unsure feeling in your direction. Anticipation of your destination. A
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growing fire in your chest. A pain untold of. These are things to describe
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the way I feel of my love, and it seems fate.. in all its dramatic
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overplayed ironic cruelty seems to have the hand played out. I dont
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understand where im headed. Ive learned not to care, all I know.. all I
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care to know is im moving. This isnt how it always was. I was that guy
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that when someone stated a limitation or a general considered rule of
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living, asked why? Why must it be like that ? Why cant you change that?
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Now life is a complete 180 of the person who asked why. But now I must ask
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again, why? What happened, what pain overwhelmed the lion in my heart.
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Darkness, all around. Not darkness as would be percieved by the eys, but
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darkness as if I were once again in my mothers womb.
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The walls are up, the chains once again reattached, the beast yet
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again bound, the defenses are real. How did it come to this, what changed,
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what significant event could change everything that you thought you knew,
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thought you held dear. Ive been trying to track down that one single event
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in my mind for months now, the only thing I have determined is that it
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wasnt a single event, but rather a change. The pain throbs. It pulsates
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bluring even your vision, in every sense of the word. The lonliness sets
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in, the need to be held. I did it. Its my fault. Thats all I can decide.
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I wasnt enough, I didnt give enough, I wasnt there enough, I pushed to
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much, I didnt support her the way she needed it. Thats the only thing it
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could have been. My heart has beat its way out of my chest. Im empty now,
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but how I long to be whole again. Where did I go wrong? I went from
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batheing in the spring of life and drinking in all its indulgent tastes to
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a dark, black, hard, shell. Nothing more, perhaps much less. Ive stopped
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moving now, the street lights illuminate my path, showing all the turns
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possible.. but that is all, and as I can see the turns I cant focus on
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them.. I cant determine if they are the way I need to go.. I dont know if
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they feel right.
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The shell cracks. A small amount of hot, thin blood pours out.
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Thats me, or what has become of me. The shell cracked, and I got to feel
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myself again. I got to taste my existence for only a moment. Someone
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please break the shell. Someone please release me. But I can only do that.
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I can only allow myself to fly again. Foreward movements, baby steps. But
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all the time im moving foreward, im only looking behind me. Looking at
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those roads I turned on, looking at those decisions I made. As they fade to
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the haze of distant memory the pain pulsates, reminding me of another turn
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waiting around the next bend. Where did I make a wrong turn? Where the fuck
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is my map? The shell hardens again.. a fear, an instinct.. a preminition of
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what is to come. I lose the taste in the vast empitness of the road. Im
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alone, thats the worst part... through all the pain, im alone. I can talk
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to a thousand people... but I will still be alone. I can let someone in
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only so much, but give all I have. And im always alone.
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Something happened. I went numb. Ive changed. That open minded,
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challenging, arrogant, boy I once valued myself to be is gone, who have I
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become? I dont like it, make it stop.. turn the clock. DO SOMETHING!?!?!!
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But alas I am the only one who can. The fear makes the pain pulsate. It
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will always be present, I have determined. No matter who comes along no
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matter how special. That pain will never go away. It is part of me now. I
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dont like it, someone take that away. Doctor? The person ive become only
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seems a blur. Nothing solid, nothing consitent. Nothing special. I lost
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my support system, someone gave up on me and turned it off. Someone stopped
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my heart from beating, someone stopped my breath from flowing. Ultimatly
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that someone is me. Why would I do this to myself? Who am I? Why am I?
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Punishment, this must be punishment... for my shovinistic ways
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before I found her. For my double standard male ways before I found myself
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in her. At the same time. It wasnt her. It was that someone listened, it
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was that it felt like someone cared. Something I never had before. It was
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that someone took my baggage and love me anyway. Thats what I needed, that
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was my power, that was my life support system. Facing certain death,
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starvation, homelessness, and malnutrition meant nothing, there was only
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her. Now I need that again, this shell is becoming old. This crust is
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getting too thick. My heart growing stale. Now where do I turn? Which
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road is well lit, which isnt? What the fuck did I do with that map? I am
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sure I have one, should everyone, or is this another joke fate decided to
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play on me, is this another form of disgusting entertainment so that fucker
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can get off to something? I could always make a U-turn, but ive been down
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that road already, I know where it ends up. Nothing new, nothing special.
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Pulsation quickly reminds me of the impending decision. I can taste
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the forsaken. I feel dirty, I feel as though a thousand years of dust have
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settled on my bones. I hang a sharp right. Is this correct? Now where am
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I headed? Which direction is this, what lies ahead? Fucking map, you were
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never good to me anyway. Apathy, I feel it inside, but self pity to a
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degree. Its this place, is this road, every turn I make I end up in the
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same place. Every foreward movement, isnt. This middletown, this circle.
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I have felt this way before, It resulted in a depression, it resulted in a
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sunked solomn mood. I ran that time. I left it all behind, I packed a
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single suitcase and jumped on a bus headed south. I ran from everything, I
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ran from everyone, most of all I ran from who I had become. I ran only to
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find those demons I left behind showed again, demanding I face them. I
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did. Or so it seemed, only they reared their ugly heads once more. Another
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thump of pain against my chest. Now what? Now where? God im so alone.
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Why does it have be this way, why did my comrade in arms bail? The darkness
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is so vast. I need to escape. I need to face those demons again. I need
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to overcome myself once more. This time it will be harder, this time it
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will take longer. But I know where this road leads, and I like it. im
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comfortable with it. I need it. The pain dulls. A decision has been made.
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A plan put into action. But is it right? Only when I finally come to a
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stop will I know for sure, but for now, its a start.
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #807 - WRITTEN BY: GIDEON - 9/1/99 ]
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