92 lines
5.0 KiB
Plaintext
92 lines
5.0 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #681
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "Ginny Innygunk"
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8
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888 888 888 888 888 " by Effy
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o 6/14/99
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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Long, long ago, there was a tiny village in a distant land called
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Utopia. It was so long ago that the moon had not even been created. The
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hoi polloi of this prosperous, bustling locality were all happy and
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generally well-to-do. Everyone was free to do as they pleased, and since
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the people of Utopia were a gentle, peaceful people, there was little need
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to worry about danger, crime, or other atrocities. Along with this
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naturally gentle nature however, the Utopians were very proud of their
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village and beliefs. They believed in working hard to achieve the comforts
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of life, and above all, temperance.
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It was in Utopia that there lived a girl that was...well, you might
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say that in the respectable panoply of fruit that made Utopia, she was the
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bad apple. This girl's name was Ginny Innygunk (pronounced Innyjunk, mind
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you). She was a rather corpulent, greedy girl, who above else, coveted
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food. Because of this unfortnate tendency to indulge every waking moment,
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Ginny grew rather obese by the time she hit her teenage years. She was a
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roly poly, fat specimen of a girl, with the round body of a hot air balloon
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and the face of a boiled cabbage. Because she had so many layers of fat,
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her body adopted a sweaty, fetid odor.
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Unfortunately for Ginny Innygunk, her behavior went completely
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against the standards of the village. It became so bad that her mother and
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father disowned her when she was 17, forcing her out alone onto the streets
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of Utopia. She then began robbing bakeries and meat factories and candy
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stores, gorging herself upon everything she possibly could. She claimed it
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was for survival, but when she ran the soup kitchen dry of food after the
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first day of her banishment from home, and began stealing from everyone, the
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council of Utopia decided it was time to teach her a lesson.
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The mayor of Utopia called up God on the telephone to help with the
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plan. "God," said the mayor, "I need your help. Ginny Innygunk is eating
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up all the food in town. Not only did she eat everything at the soup
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kitchen, but she's robbing bakeries, meat factories, and candy stores. By
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God, I saw her eat a whole cow alive this morning!"
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God scratched his bearded chin in thoughtful consideration.
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"Alright," he said. "We'll teach her a lesson she'll never forget."
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The next day, God had his gimpy disciples place a huge piece of green
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cheese in Utopia's village square. It was a grand looking hunk of cheese,
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topped off with a toothpick and an olive. It was over a hundred feet long
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and twenty feet high!
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Ginny Innygunk was cooking a skunk killed on the road over an open
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fire when she smelled the chunk of cheese from a mile away. She quickly
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forgot her roadkill roast and began to bounce toward the cheese, leaving
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deep tracks in the land from her enormous weight. As she reached the
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square, the people of Utopia began to gather. Ginny took her first huge
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bite of the vividly green cheese and squealed in delight. The people
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watched in amazement as Ginny devoured over half of the cheese within ten
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minutes.
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By this time, Ginny had grown to about three times her normal size
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(which mind you, was gargantuous to begin with), and she was still eating!
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God poked his bearded face through the clouds and cleared his throat
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in obvious omnipotence. The people gasped and looked into the face of God,
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and even Ginny stopped eating. Her mouth dropped open in amazement, and a
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wad of chewed-up, green cheese fell to the ground with a splat.
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God spoke. "Ginny Innygunk," he bellowed, "you have violated the
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standards of the village of Utopia! These extremities will no longer be
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permitted!"
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As he spoke, Ginny began to float up in the air and into the sky.
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Then God seemed to go a bit loony with his amusement. "The cheese
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was made of helium, specially seasoned!" God screeched, laughing like a
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madman. "Now you have learned your lesson Ginny...you will never eat again!
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You will become what you eat!" With that, God closed the window of clouds
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and returned to his other business affairs.
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As Ginny floated away, the green cheese also floated away and
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disappeared. That night for the first time, the people of the world saw the
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moon, which truly was made of green cheese. It taught the future
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generations temperance. It was a reminder to everyone that "you are what
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you eat."
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #681 - WRITTEN BY: EFFY - 6/14/99 ]
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