115 lines
4.9 KiB
Plaintext
115 lines
4.9 KiB
Plaintext
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ooooo ooooo .oooooo. oooooooooooo HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #611
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`888' `888' d8P' `Y8b `888' `8
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888 888 888 888 888 "How to Win a
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888ooooo888 888 888 888oooo8 Guess-Your-Age Contest"
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888 888 888 888 888 "
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888 888 `88b d88' 888 o by Seaya [5/6/99]
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o888o o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
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I am 21. Many people seem to think I'm 16. This causes problems,
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say, if I want to get a date.
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It also causes people not to take me seriously sometimes. People
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who don't take me seriously tend to suck.
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But there is one talent that I do have. It never fails. No matter
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how tricky they try to make it, I _always_ win at guess-your-age contests.
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So what if the two dollar junky stuffed animal wasn't even worth walking
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up to the booth at all and its eyes pop off as soon as you grab it. It
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feels _good_ to be good for something. Guess-your-age is all I'm good for.
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Once, when I was 19 I walked up to a booth which had the
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unprecedented and utterly built-to-lose stipulation that if they came
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within four years of your age, they had guessed correctly. ha!
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Nervously, I walked up to the booth, clutching the crisp bills in
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my hand, covetting the badly sewn blob of stuffed...I don't even know what
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that thing was, only that I wanted it. I pulled my jacket closed and hid
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my breasts. I put on my timid face. I played with my hair.
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The guy at the booth thought he had me pegged. His logic was that
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he would bet on the low side of young, and then even if I was 17 or
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something, he'd still come out a winner. With odds like this, how could he
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lose?
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He looked at me, nay, studied me for 10 unbearable seconds and
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reached for the mic. "I'd say you are....14!"
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I didn't know whether to be highly offended or highly pleased, but
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nevertheless I pulled out my college ID. "19!!"
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Embarassed, he handed over the junky stuffed whatsit to my eager
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fingers. I walked away triumphant from the inquest with my prize....well
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with my pride anyway. Eh, screw that, 14 hurt really bad!
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But despite the insulting nature of this hobby of mine, I return
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again and again to these booths of shame and delight for a piece of the
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stuffed quasimodo pie.
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The best thing I've gotten so far is a Clydesdale horse keychain.
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It was at Busch Gardens at a lame guess-your-age booth where they had to
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guess it right on the money. It was a way to get you to buy their stuffed
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animals and feel like you were winning, I guess. My friends chipped in on
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the $2 so I made out on top. And I got to show off my one talent.
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whoopee!
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@--->---@--->---@--->---@--->---@--->---
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Would you like to feel special too?
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Here are some tips to winning at guess-your-age:
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1) Take care of your skin.
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This makes you look a lot younger than you really are. Use
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sunscreen (like that god-awful song based on Kurt Vonnegut's address to
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MIT says).
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I was thinking that maybe having really awful leathery skin might
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work too, although it's a crapshoot because they never guess older if you
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look old. They always guess younger, especially on women, because they
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don't want to insult anyone. You might find them guessing younger to land
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on your exact age.
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So, take care of your skin. You don't want to be a loser.
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2) Hide your breasts/package.
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Make your primary and secondary sex characteristics as invisible or
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ambiguous as possible. You should do that anyhow. It is great for your
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health.
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3) Be timid.
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Try not to look the guesser in the eye. Oftentimes people have
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been able to tell that I am older than 18 just by the adult nature of the
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eye contact I make with them. Timidity is especially important in contests
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with large ranges designed to make you lose your hard earned cash.
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4) Display nervous kiddie habits.
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Play with your hair. Pick at your face. Cover your mouth in a shy
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manner. Rub your eyes. Anything to make you look awkward and un-adult.
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This works like a charm and adds the finishing touches on to your disguise.
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5) Be realistic.
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If you are a fat, balding, gray bearded, forty-something man don't
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expect any of the above techniques to work.
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Well, I've given you the secret of my talent. I guess that makes me
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worthless. Still, I challenge you to beat the four age range contest. I
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haven't met anyone else who could!
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Wishing you stuffed animal goodness,
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love,
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seaya
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xoxox
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[ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #611 - WRITTEN BY: SEAYA - 5/6/99 ]
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